A Broken Spirit
by Hanistar7
Summary: Save it,Kanda Yuu.You don't know the first thing about friendship,let alone apologising.To think I thought you were my friend,a comrade.But why would you care? I'm just a pathetic loser to you.aren't I? I'm an idiot for believing in you. Dark Yullen
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Man,obviously. Dogs could fly before that would happen.**

**This is my first fanfic so go easy on the flames cos it won't exactly be the best thing you've read. Secondly,it's rated M for later chapters and thirdly,I've never written smut before so I'm gonna need lots of advice there.**

**Reviews are appreciated and will be replied to. Happy reading!**

**Prolouge: Harsh Reality**

"Moyashi, just stay out of my way!" Kanda fumed as Allen rushed by with his activated Innocence.

"BaKanda! If you haven't realised, we're in the middle of a battle here! Just fight, would you?" Allen retorted and huffed as Kanda snorted and shoved him to the side.

*****

_(an hour ago)_

The two exhausted Exorcists had just finished a difficult mission involving 2 Innocences in a town where the inhabitants were mostly level 3 Akuma. Both had escaped with the Innocences into a nearby forest yesterday but the lack of energy and exhaustion made the journey even more tedious. Plus, they were getting on each other's nerves.

Allen's stomach had been growling continously for the past hour and frankly, Kanda was getting irritated. The light blush that dusted Allen's cheeks and his nervous laugh did nothing to ease his irritation and just made Kanda start another argument which consisted of threats with Mugen slicing Allen's noisy stomach open.

It was during their bickering that Allen's eye had gone into action as they were ambushed by a group of level 2s and 3s. Kanda, as usual, had dived into the fight after a scowl and a loud "Stay out of my way!" directed towards Allen.

Allen gave an exasperated sigh and activated his Innocence and charged in as well. He could not help but to think sadly that no matter how hard he tried, to Kanda he would always be useless. He quickly shook that thought out of his head and charged on.

_(back to the present)_

With a well-aimed attack from his Innocence-activated hand, Allen managed to kill 3 Akuma who had been closing around him. He gave a wry smile as he watched the tortured souls being released before turning his attention to the fight around him before he noticed something that made him gasp in horror.

"Kanda!" Allen screamed.

With a pained grunt, he pushed his body forward in the line of the Akuma attack intended for Kanda. Allen screamed as the attack tore at his body.

Suddenly Allen got knocked to the ground and his skull cracked on a nearby rock as he lay there, limp. His vision turned blurry and the world started spinning. The pain obliterated every thought and feeling from him. The pain that overcame him was too much as he slowly slipped into unconsciousness, letting the darkness take over him. The last thing he heard was Kanda's harsh and cold words…

"You're useless, Moyashi".

Allen managed one last thought before he let the darkness claim him, "Yes, I am" before collapsing.

*****

Kanda said nothing as he picked up the smaller boy and laid him down as he took out the bandages he had been keeping in his pocket to staunch the rapid bleeding from Allen's chest. Timcanpy started fluttering around Kanda's head in distress as he saw the amount of blood seeping through Allen's clothes.

Their Finder had been killed before they escsped yesterday so Kanda had stuffed all the bandages that he could inside his pockets, having an insight that it'll probably come in handy. And it did…

As soon as Kanda appeared satisfied with his handiwork, he picked up the small boy and began the journey back home which was thankfully not far away with Tim fluttering around him. Eager to get back, he picked up the pace and pushed back a twinge of concern as he felt the Moyashi's breathing became more laboured and cold sweat breaking out on his forehead with each passing hour.

"Tch."

That was all Kanda said when he walked through the doors of the Order.

**So how was it? Please give me your honest opinion and I'll try to improve as much as possible. By the way, this ff will get very dark in the following chapters before any smut happens. I've already written the next 3 chapters, I just need to skim trough them for any mistakes. Thanks for the time to r&r**


	2. When Everything Falls Apart

**A/N: I think I need a beta-reader… Hmm what do you guys think? Sorry for the wait. I decided to rewrite the whole chapter and couldn't get in through some technical glitch.**

**Kikiyoinuyasha: Thank you so much! I'll work harder for the next chapters XD  
Aion Laven Walker: Thank you for positive feedback (:  
aznsk8trgrl323: Thank you for the feedback. Kanda will get better in the next chapters, I promise**

**Please review so that I can improve!  
I do not own -Man**

**______________________________________________________________________________**

_(2 weeks later)_

The sound of the machines was the only things breaking the silence of the room as a white haired boy slept in the infirmary. Allen was covered with bandages on his chest, head and legs. He had not woken up from his 2 week coma, partly due to the cocktail of drugs Komui had put him on to prevent him from waking up when Komui had 'looked' at his Innocence the other day.

With a flutter of his eyelids, Allen opened his groggy eyes to a familiar white room-the infirmary. He tried to recall what happened but his mind felt fuzzy. He groaned and turned his head away from the bright lights.

"Welcome back, Allen-kun" chanted 3 very familiar voices around him. Allen slowly turned his head around towards the general direction of the voices. He squinted to see who were with him. Lenalee gently pushed the hair out of his eyes and smiled with tears in her soft violet eyes. She gently kissed him on the forehead and Allen's eyes closed at the silent comfort Lenalee was giving him.

"Lenalee? Lavi? Komui-san? What happened? When did I get back? "Allen heard himself speak with a slur from the drugs that he was on. He tried his hardest to concentrate, not wanting to fall asleep halfway.

"Hey, Moyashi-chan! You got back 2 weeks ago unconscious, carried by Yuu-chan" Lavi answered Allen's questions with a wry smile. He could not help but suppress a shudder as he remembered the sight of Allen at that time. Yuu had carried Allen all the way back with Timcanpy. His lips were blue, his face a pale deathly white and his breaths were shallow and ragged. He had a raging fever and kept mumbling from hallucinations. Needless to say, Moyashi was in a very bad state.

"Hush, Lavi. Now Allen-kun, tell me exactly what you remembered and don't leave any part out," Komui asked Allen.

Slowly Allen recounted how they had ran into a bunch of Akuma on their way back. He had thrown himself in the way of the attack on Kanda and received the brunt of the attack. At this point, Allen just shook his head and said he didn't remember anything else, even though he did. How could he not?

Suddenly Komui sat up straight and looked at Allen. "Allen-kun, I know you're not gonna like hearing this but I'll say it anyway. As much as all of us are grateful to you for saving Kanda, you seem to have forgotten something. Kanda heals much faster! Kanda told me you lost a lot of blood and was so badly hurt,"

Komui started to sigh, "I'm really sorry Allen-kun. I know it's wrong for me to say all that but you really gave us a huge scare. We were all so worried and I guess I got my emotions carried away. We were so scared that you might not pull through..."

Allen kept his gaze to the sheets on the bed before answering in a hoarse and raspy voice, "I know...I'm really sorry. How bad am I right now?"

"Your shielding Kanda meant you took a lot from the attack. You have a huge gash across your chest. You have 5 broken ribs and your lungs are in need of repair. Apparently the attack missed your heart by a few centimetres but your lungs are hurt quite badly. You also have a skull fracture and a broken jaw, probably from the impact of the attack when you fell. Your legs had a few deep cuts and some of your leg muscles were torn but with therapy, it should get better. You had a few blood transfusions and your Innocence had injuries too. But not to worry, I repaired that while you were under heavy anesthesia"

At the last sentence, Komui could not help but to smile with a dreamy look on his face. He had so much fun poking around in Allen's hand with all those tools. The hours of fun he had at that time!

Allen blanched quite considerably, considering he was already quite pale. Lenalee and Lavi shuddered as they remembered the tools that Komui had used. But Allen didn't need to know… What he didn't know couldn't hurt him right? Lenalee slowly tugged her older brother's hand.

"Nii-san, don't scare Allen-kun anymore. He just woke up. We'll leave Lavi with Allen-kun. Anyway, I promised Reever that I won't let you stay too long. You've got piles of signing to do. Now say goodbye and go," Lenalee said sternly.

"But but…I'm looking after Allen-kun, he's injured! Oh all right… Well Allen-kun, I think that's about it but just to warn you… You're not going to be allowed on mission for the next 6 months, minimum and you're gonna need lots of therapy and training to get back to your previous level. Bye bye!" Komui said hurriedly at another look from his sister. Lenalee could be quite scary when she wanted to be.

And with that, both Li siblings left Allen after Lenalee gave him a kiss on his forehead. Allen was very dear to her, like a brother and the scare had left them all a little protective of him. As the door closed, Allen turned to the Bookman apprentice who had said nothing after getting hushed by Komui.

"I've been really stupid haven't I, Lavi?" Allen said quietly as soon as the Li siblings were out of earshot. His throat really hurt.

"Yep, Moyashi-chan, you were. But I guess we should be grateful to you… No matter what Komui said, Kanda would have been badly hurt by that shot. And the Order can't lose one of its best Exorcists, can it? But don't do it ever again, you hear me? Don't give us any more heart attacks," Lavi answered in his chirpy voice.

"Don't worry. You just heard what Komui just said, I think I can hardly walk right now," And with that Allen sighed slowly, too overcome by distress to realize that Lavi had used his nickname.

"Haha too late for regrets there, Moyashi-chan! Anyway I'm glad you finally woke up… It's not much fun when you're stuck here in the Infirmary. Hey I got to go now before Panda finds out I'm here alright? I'm supposed to be deciphering some old document. Oh yeah, I brought Tim to keep you company!"

Lavi had dug Timcanpy out of his pockets letting the poor golem out of his small pocket. Allen chuckled as the golden golem bit Lavi's hand in irritation before his chuckles were subdued quite rapidly as he coughed to catch his breath.

Lavi looked up in concern and passed Allen a glass of water while trying to get rid of the golem on his other hand. "Hey, you ok Moyashi?"

"Yeah…Just…hard…to…breathe…My…name…Allen" as his breathing went back to normal.

"Haha whatever, Moyashi! Take it easy alright. I'll catch you later, bye!"

Lavi finally managed to wrench Tim off his hand and ran for his life, closing the Infirmary door with a bang. Allen smiled and stroked Tim before falling asleep again.

The day passed without any eventful happening except when the Head Nurse came bustling in with his lunch and he had gobbled the whole thing up and asked for seconds. The Head Nurse had affectionately scolded him when she let slip that Kanda had bandaged him up, thus saving Allen's life.

That made Allen's silver eyes open wide. That was a surprise to him!

*****

As the next few days passed, Allen became more and more downcast. The daily therapy sessions usually left him crying in pain and exhaustion at nights. He had nightmares and always woke up in the middle of the night in cold sweat. He couldn't go anywhere without help, not even to the toilet.

Even though almost everyone had visited him, it made Allen more depressed. Their pity for him were so painfully obvious that it made Allen cringe as another person came through the Infirmary door. Everyone had come except for Kanda and Master Cross, but Master's visits were always dreaded by Allen so Allen was glad. And Kanda never came to the Infirmary unless he was in it.

As the days passed, Allen got really depressed. He couldn't even do the simplest of things- breathing! He was sick of being stuck in the white room and he had nothing to do to pass the time. He truly felt useless, thus proving Kanda's words. He couldn't walk forward like Mana told him to. All he could do was- nothing. He continued to act cheerful for his visitors though, not wanting to worry them. He only let his guard down in front of Lavi and Timcanpy, knowing that the redhead and golem wouldn't treat him differently. Hell, even Lenalee was treating him differently. Everyone treated him like a precious glass crystal.

As his friends left for mission after mission, it gave him another painful reminder that he couldn't go with them. He was still stuck in the Infirmary. It was in these truly depressing moments that he only had Tim for company and he cried bitterly as Tim tried to desperately comfort its young master. The only good thing left was that his appetite was still normal.

The Head Nurse had told him that if he continued eating normally like he used to, he would recover much faster with his Innocence helping him. This gave Allen hope and made him much happier. His therapy sessions were becoming less painful and he was now able to slowly walk, though for only a short time. It was small things like this that made him more cheerful, knowing he was on the road of recovery.

It was only 4 weeks later that he was discharged and could go back to his own room again. With only Tim to accompany him, Allen had gone out in the middle of the night. Frankly, he was sick of all the attention and he just wanted some time alone. He still had the scars and gashes on his body with a bandage wrapped around his chest but overall, even the Head Nurse had been surprised by his progress. He still walked with a limp and needed to support himself by leaning heavily on walls but he was much better.

After promising the anxious Head Nurse that he'd come back should he be in any pain, he gave her a wide smile and hugged her affectionately. Slowly he made his way to his room with Tim guiding him for fear of getting lost. He walked at an extremely excruciating slow pace but Tim never left him. Finally he made it!

With a painful sigh, he got on his bed and fell into a deep sleep. And for the first time in many days, no nightmares came and Allen slept with a small smile on his face.

*****

Allen woke up early the next day, cheerful. The long corridors and the sunlight slipping through the cracks of small windows felt welcoming for the snowy-haired boy who had been stuck for so long in the Infirmary. He made his way to the canteen limping, after he had a shower and pulled on his pants and boots, leaving his Exorcist coat open for fear of hurting his chest wound.

He had left Tim in his room so it was some time before he found the canteen. The familiar warmth welcomed the boy as he made his way to Jerry at the kitchen counter. As soon as Jerry saw his favorite customer, he squealed with joy and came to Allen, his face lit up with a huge smile.

"Hello Allen! It's so good to see you up and about again! What would you like today? By the way I've missed you so much. There were so many leftovers when you were gone," Jerry crooned but pouted as he spoke the last part.

"Hey Jerry, I've missed you too! I 'd like seconds of everything that you have right now," Allen said eagerly.

Allen staggered under the weight of his food and barely made it to the nearest empty table.

Luckily, most of the tables were empty due to the early morning hour. With a wide smile, Allen started attacking his food with such vigor and such enthusiasm that the Exorcists and Finders that filed into the canteen could not help but to smile fondly at him. The growing pile of empty plates was all that was hiding Allen when Lenalee and Lavi walked in.

With smiles on their faces, they ran towards Allen and hugged him. They talked and laughed as if nothing had happened and for that, Allen was glad. He had missed these times the most.

-

Unfortunately, someone else had woken up in a very bad mood in the building. After Kanda and Allen had gotten back, he had only about 1 day to recuperate before he was sent on another mission. He had just gotten back a week ago before he was sent again on that same day for an Akuma infestation. He had only come back yesterday and needless to say, he was pissed- big time. Personally he blamed it on the Moyashi who was stuck in the Infirmary.

His body was aching and he was tired. It had taken his many years of discipline not to sleep in, thus making him even grumpier. And on his rest days, he was followed by a pestering Lavi who kept going on and on about visiting Moyashi. Kanda could care less about the bean sprout. And an angry and grumpy Kanda usually spelled disaster. He was out for vengeance when he heard 2 Finders talking.

"Did you hear? Allen's out of the Infirmary already! He's in the canteen now"

"Wow, really? Man, that kid's will to live is amazing. I heard the Head Nurse is missing him already haha"

Kanda made his way to the 2 Finders who were talking. They gulped as they saw him and wondered what the hell they did wrong. It took all their courage not to run away when they saw him approaching.

"Tch. You two! Did you just say that the Moyashi was out already?"

The 2 Finders nodded and heaved a sigh of relief as Kanda stalked in the direction of the canteen. Kanda smirked evilly. Maybe today wasn't so bad after all…

Kanda made his way to the canteen. The dark aura surrounding him made people stop their conversations and scuttle quietly. The people who didn't see him got shoved out of the way. He saw a big pile of empty dishes and guessed that must be where Moyashi was. He strode forcefully to an unsuspecting Allen. He was laughing with Lenalee about some comment Lavi had just made.

It wasn't until Kanda banged his fists on the table, did they notice Kanda. They all jumped slightly from the shock before realizing that he was in one of his very bad moods. They quietened, even Lavi kept his mouth shut.

"Hello Moyashi. Didn't realize you were up and about again," Kanda said with a sadistic smile.

"Oh my, what's this? A mountain of food?" Kanda asked, feigning surprise. The whole canteen became silent at this point.

"You know what, Moyashi? You're pathetic! Useless! All you ever do is fucking eat! No wonder you took so bloody long to recover… You're a pathetic excuse for an Exorcist, Moyashi! You're a fucking loser! You spend all your bloody time eating and don't even train… I shouldn't even be surprised that you just got out, since it's you. You go around trying to save other people when you can't even save your sorry ass! No wonder your parents and Mana left you. You're just a useless simple-minded kid with a hero complex," Kanda's cold words rang throughout the whole canteen.

"ENOUGH!"

"Excuse me, I think I need a breather, "Allen's voice cracked twice as he shakily stood up and limped his way out as fast as he could. He tried to contain the tears of pain and humiliation as he went out to one of the nearby corridors. He leaned against a pillar and took a deep breath.

*****

Meanwhile in the canteen, there was a tense silence all around until Lavi broke it with a scorn.

"Great going, Yuu! Kick the kid when he's down, real nice. Like he doesn't feel bad enough, pathetic enough… You didn't even bother to visit him even though he saved your life! You just had to make him so pathetic on his first day. Did you even know the pain he went through? Of course you didn't! Why? Because you just don't care!" Lavi shouted at him with anger.

"Kanda, why are you so mean to Allen-kun? You're horrible!" Lenalee raised her voice, her eyes flashing.

"Tch."

That was all Kanda said before he left.

*****

Allen took big gulps of air in one of the open corridors of the Order. He tried to muffle the sobs coming out of his mouth and stuffed his fist inside in an attempt to stop. Unfortunately, tears kept leaking out from his eyes and his sobs could still be heard as he slowly sank to the floor. His heart felt like it was torn to pieces by a blunt knife. His chest ached with pain as sobs racked through his small frame.

With his free hand, he kept tearing at his hair. The pain that he felt now was unlike any other physical pain he had felt in his entire life. The words that Kanda said kept repeating through his head like a broken recorder. His mind was scrabbling around for a sense of sanity but sanity eluded him. Allen gave up trying and decided to run.

Never mind the fact that he was barely healed and that he had no destination in mind. He had had enough! All he had been trying to do was help… Why was that so wrong?

All his life he'd been called useless. A freak. A weirdo. The son of the devil. Countless names until he'd refuse to remember. He'd been abandoned by his own parents, leaving him to fend for himself on the streets. With the exception of Mana, no one gave a damn about him. And even then, Mana had left him.

He had borne with it all. He had been labeled so many things and had endured all sorts of things but he had swallowed them all. Every insult. Every name. Every punishment. He had swallowed it all with a smile even though he was crying on the inside.

Kanda's words had cut him deeper than anything he'd gotten since he woke up. He had thought that he could trust Kanda to protect him as he had Kanda. He had opened up to Kanda. The best part was… he even had a crush on Kanda!

Allen had considered him one of his friends, from the continuous missions they had together. He even thought that their friendship had been progressing. Kanda had been giving him less death threats and they had had a couple of conversations that made them understand each other better. He remembered one most clearly.

-

_They were on one of their missions and were going back by a train. As they sat in a luxurious train cabin, Allen suddenly sat up straight._

"_Kanda, do you really hate me as much as you say?"_

_Kanda looked up to him and snorted._

"_Tch. No, I don't hate you Moyashi. I never did, I don't hate anyone except for the Earl of Millennium and his sick, perverted Noahs,"_

_Allen persisted in knowing Kanda's reason_

"_But you always said you hated me…"_

_Kanda sighed slowly and tried to find a way to explain to the impatient boy across him._

"_I don't hate you; I just hated what you brought. Before you came to the Order, we were all happy there in a way. We were all family, though I hate to admit it. But we knew what we were in for… We had missions and finished them. We came back alive if we were lucky. We didn't know who was going to die next. We lived only in the present, never the past nor the present. Every day was a struggle for us. That was how we lived, until you came along. When you came. You brought something that none of us had, or had been long-forgotten,"_

_Allen smirked," What? Laughter? Craziness? Can't be… Komui and the Science Department's enough to drive anyone nuts,"_

_Kanda snorted in agreement. "You brought hope. Most of us have been fighting this war for as long as we can remember. I've been fighting my whole life. I don't know any other life besides this. It's been too long for me to consider another one. But you had hopes for a bright future and all you ever did was to walk forward. You made me question my existence in this world. You made me hope and yearn for another future. I hated that,"_

"_Why? Were you scared? Or the fact that I made you feel some kind of emotion for the first time" Allen laughed._

"_Kanda smiled sadly, a genuine smile nonetheless._

"_Tch. I was apprehensive, confused but never scared. The only thing in my mind was that why hope for something that's not likely to happen? I may not even survive tomorrow and to hope for something like that will just make me bitter in days to come. Reality can be your worst enemy sometimes and I have no inclination of dying with regrets. Why raise your hopes?"_

_-_

From that conversation onwards, Allen had begun to think differently of Kanda. He started to slowly like Kanda before it became a crush. But now he knew what Kanda really thought of him.

"Just another weakness of mine. I trusted him so much and he threw everything back to my face" he growled with the strain evident in his voice. The large wound on his chest had opened up due to over- exertion and the bandages surrounding it were slowly getting soaked.

"I opened up to him and gave him my friendship and trust. Everything that I had. All I ever wanted was to be accepted… Was that so wrong? I thought I knew him, that I could trust him. But now… To him, I'm probably just a waste of space…"

**To Allen, someone betraying his trust and friendship is probably the worst. He trusts everyone but to let someone into his past and feelings is probably someone very special to him. I find that he doesn't talk much about his life in the Order so this is what I think.**

**Kanda does have his good side and he'll become better in chapters to come. Until then, please review!**


	3. The Cleverest Idiot Ever

**All I can say is that even the most timid of people would flare up if you push them beyond their limits.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own -Man. Holding on to my sanity is hard enough**

**To all whom favorited this story, put the story on story alert or put me as favorite author; I thank you from the bottom of my heart. (:**

**Ican'tDENYyou: LOL. For now, yes…He'll get better *promise*  
Nusku: Haha not sure about the stiletto heels but thank you!  
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Aion Laven Walker: Haha…The emotions will get even stronger. Thank you for the review (:  
Kayday: I'm glad that the emotions were strong enough for you! Thank you so much.**

Kanda strode through the corridors, looking for Allen. He gave an exasperated grunt as he once again ended up at another dead end. Although it was against his principles and nature to even let a word of apology be let loose on his lips, he knew he owed Allen- big time. He had betrayed Allen's trust. He had basically divulged the kid's secrets and just stopped short of shouting the rest of it in public! No matter what, Allen did not deserve any of that.

Kanda didn't know why he had flared up so suddenly when he saw Moyashi. He had only meant to tease Moyashi a bit but as soon as he saw the younger boy, all thoughts flew out of the window. To his surprise, he had mixed feelings when he saw Moyashi. Feelings he didn't even know he possessed; feelings that he had fought and suppressed for years to the point that he no longer felt anything. After all, he had felt nothing for years and had a sense of detachment to everything.

During the first few months when he was apprenticed to General Tiedoll, he had quickly learnt that to be an Exorcist meant that he had to make sacrifices, meaning that he couldn't risk an emotional attachment to anything. Because that meant that you had to feel pain and suffering. So, he had taken the easy way out-to not feel anything. It had taken a few months but as time passed by, Kanda no longer felt anything. His view on feelings became negative. To him, feelings only got in the way of finishing the job and made it hard for people to concentrate on their duties. He couldn't even remember what being happy felt like.

So it was a surprise that he felt something, let alone a bunch of feelings at the same time. It was surprising, but not entirely impossible. After all, one could be with Moyashi for so long before some of his eternal cheerfulness rubbed off on them. The changes had been subtle but they were there.

At first, they were only twinges of happiness when he saw Moyashi doing ridiculous things, like playing in the rain or singing softly to himself when he thought Kanda was asleep. It had slowly progressed to smirking slightly when nobody would notice. Kanda's ice cold heart was slowly melting and he didn't even know it! All thanks to Moyashi…

He had felt relief at seeing the white-haired boy okay in the canteen considering the extent of his injuries. Then, when he saw Lenalee and Lavi on each side of the boy, he suddenly felt jealous and annoyed. Why were they sitting so close to him? Why does Moyashi look so much happier with them than with me? Not knowing why he was feeling like this made Kanda confused; which in turn made him frustrated. All this, coupled with his bad mood made all rational thought disappear when he decided to speak before thinking.

Kanda sighed again and decided to try the next few corridors. He truly regretted all this. It would have been much easier if he hadn't gone to the canteen. His mind started to drift again as his eyes still searched. He thought back about the conversations they had and what they had learnt about each other. He started to smile, reminiscing.

They had had a couple of decent conversations in recent missions and found that they had much to talk about. Due to the time they spent together, Moyashi had learnt to recognize his moods and knew what to do appropriately and he really appreciated that. Not many people took the trouble of trying to understand him. And some people like Lavi, just did whatever they wanted. Moyashi knew.

He left Kanda alone in his sullen moods giving the older boy some space, stayed by him and chatted without wanting any reply in his quiet ones and had conversations with him during his rare talkative moods. He, on the other hand, learnt that Allen did have bad days, contrary to the belief that he was always happy. Sometimes Allen had tears rolling down his white cheeks as he told Kanda about the good times with Mana.

Allen always acted happy in front of everyone but Kanda had realized that it was a mask, sometimes. No matter how happy he seemed, he was always careful not to say too much about his past and he was on his guard. But slowly, he had begun to lower his guard around Kanda, knowing the man won't treat him any differently. Kanda listened when Allen told him stories and let the boy cry when he had to, though he was uncomfortable with Allen's tears.

He remembered what Allen had told him that time during their train ride home when he had explained why he 'hated' Moyashi.

-

_Allen had slowly sunk back into his seat. He said quietly, barely a whisper. "Actually, I wasn't always this happy or always filled with hope. After Master Cross took me away, it was a long time before I took Mana's advice and walked forward again. I had an eating problem for a while. I was depressed; I even considered dying,"_

_Kanda was very curious by now; Moyashi refused food?"Why? Because he made you do all sorts of stuff that made you go all dark?"_

_Allen smirked at that. "That's one part…Mostly I just felt useless. I mean, what kind of person am I? I made my father, the person who saved me and loved me with everything he had, hate me. I just couldn't deal with that. For so many days I wished that my life had ended there. I still remember everything so clearly about that night and I even have nightmares about it until now. No one has ever loved me like Mana and when he died, I felt so lost. I've never said this to anyone though. Everyone just thinks that I'm always happy no matter what happens,"_

_Kanda replied him uncomfortably. "Tch. Everyone has their bad moments Moyashi. Of course nobody loves you like Mana, Baka. Mana is Mana and well, we're ourselves. You can't compare us to him. He was your father and no other love can be compared to that. Anyway I think he would have been proud,"_

_He continued sarcastically, "I think we both have established the fact that you're useless. Now shut up you dolt! I want to catch up on my sleep,"_

_Kanda had shut his eyes at this point. Suddenly he heard Allen say something._

"_Thank you, Kanda"_

_Kanda was startled and peeked at Allen through his long lashes. Moyashi had tears in his silver eyes but what made his heart beat faster was the sweet innocent smile on Allen's face. He knew that Moyashi had understood that Kanda had said that he cared for him as a friend in his own way and that he'd keep the conversation a secret._

-

*****

Sure, he still thought that Moyashi was useless and that the boy had a hero complex. Sometimes he felt that the boy wore his heart on his sleeve but that made Moyashi, well Moyashi. To Kanda, the fact that he was sure that Moyashi was watching out for him gave him a sense of comfort that someone actually cared for him. No matter how many bad things he had done to the boy, Moyashi still was there for him. Despite their constant agreements, they worked splendidly together. Kanda could not deny that.

"Damn you, Moyashi! Where the fuck can you be in this bloody place? For once I'm trying to do the right thing and apologize. Gahh Moyashi!!" Kanda let out an angry shout at the 12th empty corridor he had walked past by. The feelings of overwhelming regret made him unable to stop looking but this was getting ridiculous. Where the hell was he!

"Looking for something, Kanda?"

Kanda flinched as he heard Allen's voice somewhere behind him. Kanda turned but all he could see was the pillars and their shadows. Where did Moyashi's voice come from? Kanda felt perturbed. He usually prided himself on his extra-sensitive senses which were far better than an average Exorcist due to his blindfolded training, with the exception of Lavi. But then again, Lavi was training to be a Bookman so his senses had to be even sharper. So how was it that Allen Walker; the boy who was most famous for not even being able to find his own room and got lost most of the time had managed to sneak up onto him?

"Tch. Where did you come from and where the heck are you, Moyashi?"

Allen ignored Kanda's questions and walked out from the shadows of the pillar he had been leaning on. He limped towards Kanda. "You didn't answer my question, BaKanda. Who're you looking for?" he mocked questioningly.

"I was looking for you," Kanda said albeit reluctantly. He wasn't used to apologizing; in fact it was his first time. It was hard! His eyes widened as Allen came into the line of his version. He looked like a mess! He was panting and sweating as if he had run for miles and miles. The limp had worsened and his face tightened with pain as he took each step. His face had dried tear-streaks, evidence that he'd been crying. The front of Allen's coat was still open and Kanda could see that the chest wound had already opened, soaking the bandages. Allen's white hair stuck to his forehead from the sweat and his face had a red flush that made his resenting silver eyes more pronounced.

"Well, you found me didn't you? Or I found you…What? Come to insult me some more? Don't you think you've done enough damage for one day? Don't you think I'm pathetic enough? Hmph don't bother Kanda. I think you've made it pretty clear to the whole Order what you think of me…"Allen cut in with a sharp tone.

"Didn't you hear me? I'm trying to apologize to you here! You're not making it easy okay!" Kanda growled.

"Save it Kanda Yuu. You don't know the first thing about friendship, let alone apologizing. To think I actually thought you were my friend, a comrade. Fuck you, Kanda! How could you do that to me? After everything I've done for you… After everything we went through together. Who do you think saved your ass so many times? Who do you think dragged you back to your room from the training room each time you collapsed there? That was all me! Me! Me!" his voice got higher and higher with each sentence until he was screaming, his face red with anger.

"I…I…" Kanda stuttered. He had never seen Allen this angry before, let alone shouting.

Allen continued. "I gave you everything I had; my friendship, my trust, my past and secrets. But why would you care? I'm just a pathetic loser to you, aren't I? So don't worry, Kanda. I'm fine. I should be grateful to you instead right? Thank you for saving me and thank you for finally showing me what you really think of me. I was an idiot for believing in you. I was so naïve to believe all those things you told me,"

At this time, Allen's voice dropped to a whisper. Tears bathed his cheeks as he slowly turned away from Kanda. The excruciating pain in his heart had returned. Agony and despair gripped him as he dropped his eyes to the ground. His feet swayed as he fought the urge to just drop down to the ground and black out from the pain. Allen started to hyper-ventilate. His chest ached as if there was a gaping hole there. His arms slowly encircled around his torso and tried to breathe. He slowly gasped for air as his arms tried to hold his body into one piece, instead of crumbling into pieces. He tried to hold on to the pain, not letting it go fully

It was time for Kanda to know the truth, the real truth. As his breathing started to slowly go back to normal, he stopped and said something that Kanda would never forget.

"You know what the best part was, Kanda? The very best part was that I actually had a crush on you. I actually believed everything you told me. I believed that you were something more. I believed in _you_. I saved you not because of a hero-complex; I saved you because I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I thought that as long as you didn't get hurt, my sacrifice would be worth it. All I ever wanted to do was to help you. But I was so wrong…"

And with that last sentence, Allen left an open-mouthed Kanda frozen as he ran once again, but this time with a destination in mind. Allen started to sob silently. He had finally admitted his feelings and now he could never look at Kanda the same way again. Rejection washed over him like acid, burning him from the inside. Allen could not keep the pain away from him now. He unleashed the pain within him. The bitterness he had accumulated and fought against over the past few weeks all made themselves known to him. Nothing mattered now.

_The darkness is beckoning  
pain is so alluring  
they're making their way to me_

_I prepare myself to what's about to come  
as I drench myself in the pain  
I blind myself with the darkness_

_So tired of fighting...  
So why not embrace it?  
People keep disappointing you over and over_

_Holding the pain away for so long  
exhausting and painful  
but misery loves company_

*****

"Komui-san, get me on the Ark to the Asian Branch please. Let me recover and train with Fou there. Please don't make me stay another day here. I'll do anything; just don't make me stay here. I'm begging you, Komui-san!"

Allen banged the door open with such ferocity, waking Komui from his half-dozing state. Komui jumped slightly before staring at Allen with blurry eyes. He finally snapped to supervisor mode after recollecting his thoughts. He gave Allen a nod. He had heard many complaints about what happened in the canteen from Lenalee and the Science Department since this morning.

"Be careful, Allen-kun."

Allen gave Komui a teary smile before setting off to pack his stuff and Timcanpy. Komui could not help but to feel as if something about Allen had changed. It was only an hour later did he realize that Allen had a look of despair as if he had lost something really precious in his eyes then. Komui could not help but to sigh as he thought of the damage Kanda had done.

*****

Kanda woke up the next morning with a purpose-to find Allen. Yesterday, in his shock, he had stayed at the spot frozen for a long time and before he knew it, he was back in his room. He had gone back to his room without even realizing it! His brain did not seem to be able to process the last part of what Allen had said. He had finally nodded off sometime in the late night, unable to continue thinking.

His reasoning for the outburst was that Moyashi had been too distraught and didn't know what he was talking about. Though something told him he was denying the truth, Kanda held on stubbornly to his belief. He searched the entire building before coming across Lavi in the library, sleeping on a very thick book.

"Tch. Typical Baka Usagi," he thought. Kanda immediately banged his fists on the table making Lavi jump in surprise.

"Wuh…What happened? What's happening? Huh… Yuu?" Lavi woke up, mumbling in confusion.

"Where's Moyashi? I need to find him," was his curt reply.

Lavi immediately awakened at the word 'Moyashi'. He gave Kanda a hard look; and with a voice to match it, he said," You're too late if you wanna apologize Yuu…He went to the Asian Branch yesterday. He's staying there until further notice,"

And with that said, Lavi left the library with his book.

"I am the cleverest idiot ever" Kanda said in shock as his mind processed what Lavi just told him. Allen had left, and it was all his fault…

*****

Kanda's POV

I can't believe it. Moyashi actually had feelings for me. And I did so much wrong to him. I never meant to hurt him like that.

Do I have feelings for him too? Do I still stand a chance? Fuck…What the hell am I thinking? This is Moyashi we're talking about. How can I have feelings for a bean sprout like him? He'll get over it…Yeah. He'll come back and this whole thing will be forgotten. We'll be back to normal.

After all, I can't possibly love him, right?

That's just wrong…But is it really?

**So what do you think? Please review! Reviews will be replied to. Thank you**


	4. Lies and Deceptions

**This chapter really got on my nerves…*sigh* I actually wrote Kanda's part 5 times before I was finally satisfied with it. It was hard to keep him in character while showing the change in him. Plus, keeping the storyline in mind. Thank god it's over!! And to all, I did keep my promise. Kanda is much better now, just confused. More angst in the next few chapters!**

**Nusku: ^^ updated just for you! LOL thank you for putting down the stiletto heels though…  
Ican'tDENYyou: LOL no worries. I'm weird too ^^  
Kayday: Erm…thank you for reviewing? Haha  
Aion Laven Walker: I understand how you feel…I got really frustrated reading it too haha  
kikiyoinuyasha: Thank YOU for continuing to review this story!  
Lala-tan: Muahaha…Then this chapter is for you, my dear (:  
Erendyce: LOL. I'm not sure what canon means but thank you very much for reading and reviewing!  
Seika Dragon: He'll get his chance haha. But it'll take some time for Allen to recover for now  
Allen-Is-Mine: Thank you very much! I will try to keep the work and quality of this story. I'm really glad you love this story (:**

**Happy reading!**

Kanda stifled a groan as he leaned back against a tree in a meadow, closing his eyes. With Mugen by his side, he made himself comfortable. He was very tired, but he couldn't sleep. There was too much on his mind. His thoughts flew to a certain white-haired boy. Now that he was partnered with Lavi for missions, he really appreciated Moyashi and mentally thanked Moyashi for sticking with him for so long. He and Lavi had just finished a mission in England and were waiting for their Finder to come and pick them up. He wasn't sure where Lavi went but figured the Bookman Apprentice should be able to take care of himself.

After Moyashi left, none of the people in the Order talked to Kanda for the next 2 weeks. Not even Lavi and Lenalee. Kanda accepted that, not that he really cared. He had never been one to talk to others and preferred to solve disputes by Mugen. But this was different. For those 2 weeks, Kanda had put up with glares, muttered mumblings and pointed looks. Since none of them actually dared to confront him, they talked behind his back and shot icy glares at him. That was the consequences for his actions and he would take full responsibility for it. It was his fault; after all…Though his hand itched to behead every single one of them, he resisted the temptation with extreme difficulty. It was torture, but thankfully for him, the torture had ended when Moyashi called on the night of the 2 weeks.

Moyashi had refused to talk to anyone besides Komui and Lavi but he had instructed Komui to inform the Order that he was recovering just fine and not to worry about him. Though Moyashi had been very vague about his recovery process and shied about any question of when he was returning home, the Order now had a peace of mind. Moyashi had told Komui that he wasn't ready to go back yet and he'd promise to call once a week but that was all. Kanda had tried to get more information from Lavi but the red-haired guy had been very guarded about whatever Moyashi had been telling him. Though Moyashi hadn't said much, he had told enough to stop the mumblings and looks towards Kanda. Since then, the Order acted normal towards Kanda once again. Lenalee had taken longer to warm up to Kanda until Moyashi had personally talked to her and assured her that he really was fine. But Lavi had embraced his friendship with his best friend with such vigor, that Kanda almost wished for the silence once again.

Kanda sighed once. The fact that he'd managed to survive those 2 whole weeks without threatening anyone or beheading someone was a major achievement in itself! Being with Moyashi for so long had made him more tolerant of others but if 1 more day had passed, he was sure that he would have to ask Komui to send him out on a solo mission somewhere far far away from the Order!

The last thing that had changed was him! At first, there had only been subtle but wistful reminders in his mind as the weeks had passed. He missed Moyashi's smiles and laughter. He missed the aura of cheerfulness that always surrounded the boy. He missed arguing with the white-haired boy since arguing with Lavi was just pointless. Scratch that-it was just plain stupid! Lavi did whatever he wanted and when he wanted. No number of threats would be enough to ward off the Bookman Apprentice for long. But when Moyashi first left, Kanda had thought that Moyashi would've forgiven him as usual and come back and declare it all a misunderstanding or something. After all, Moyashi usually forgave him no matter how bad he treated the poor boy sometimes.

When Moyashi didn't come home after the first week, he started to feel a twinge of regret and guilt. But Kanda being Kanda, he had pushed it away and firmly held on to the belief that Moyashi was just too distraught and didn't know what he was talking about at that time. As the 2 weeks came to an end, the guilt and regret in him had grown and festered in his heart. Each time he closed his eyes to meditate, he would see Moyashi's face in agony and despair in his mind. The all-too familiar silver eyes filled with sadness and pain, with tears swimming in them. The face he had last seen on that pale face before Moyashi ran off. The turmoil of feelings in Kanda's heart would burst from within! The feeling of guilt had grown strong enough to conquer his mind, even in his waking moments. To people who saw Kanda, they would never have guessed the battle and struggle in his mind which was going on every minute of the day. The obstinate part in him refused to admit to anything while his newly found conscience would stand its ground and continue to push the obstinate part in him to surrender to the confusion deep in him.

Within the guilt, regret and confusion; Kanda discovered other new emotions as well. He discovered sadness, as well as longing. After Moyashi had called the Order, he started to feel it even more as days went by. The more he thought about Moyashi, the more he missed the younger boy. With the ongoing battle in his mind and heart, Kanda's façade was starting to slip. His control on his emotions and actions weren't as strong as before. The reminders became more pronounced. He was slowly changing.

Each action he did reminded of Moyashi. When it was raining outside, the people of the Order would often find him outside in the courtyard with an unreadable expression on his face as he would remember how Moyashi loved to play in the rain, no matter how heavy it was. Sometimes, they would even catch a ghost of a smile on his face. On the days when Jerry cooked bean sprouts for dinner, the ends of his mouth would twitch as he remembered how Moyashi absolutely hated his nickname as he collected his food. Moyashi had tried countless times to correct him, to no avail. Kanda would just irritate him further until Moyashi would just go off in a huff and glower at him from a corner. Kanda even dreamt about the white-haired boy and his confession in the middle of the night. Then, he would wake up in shock and realize that it was all just a dream…That was when the grief would follow. Sometimes, it was only for a while. On certain nights when he had had a bad day, the grief would be just too much. At those times, Kanda would just put his head between his hands and stay like that until morning came. He was miserable…He longed for the boy to come home and be with him again for their missions. He was sad that he never got the chance to apologize properly. It was the first time in his life that he had ever tasted so many emotions at one go. It was the first time that he had experienced such raw and powerful emotions!

He had tried training till he collapsed but it just reminded him of Moyashi even more. Furthermore, now that he knew that Moyashi was the one who had been dragging him back to his room, he realized that the arms that usually carried him back had been gentle and guiding. Now that Lavi was dragging him back, he could feel the difference. With Lavi, he felt as if he was a bag of potatoes being dragged across the room!

Kanda still did not know what to make of these emotions and dreams. He had never had feelings for anyone, let alone love someone. He couldn't even remember what his parents' faces looked like! He had no concept of love or feelings. The long forgotten human emotions were resurfacing and there was nothing he could do about it! Kanda just wished that someone would just explain all this to him…

Kanda slowly opened his eyes and gazed out towards the sunset. How he wished that everything and Moyashi could end like how day turned into night. And everything would be the same again without all this trouble like a new day when the sun would rise once again. And that was how Lavi found him, with a pensive look on his face and many unreadable emotions in his dark eyes. With his midnight hair flowing behind him from the gentle breeze, Kanda was a perfect picture of melancholy.

Lavi stood from afar, watching Kanda. He had noticed the small changes in Kanda since the day that Moyashi left. But there was something nagging at the back of his mind as if he had forgotten one important clue. He decided to confront Kanda. But he had to do it carefully, or Kanda would clam up. Kanda had always been a private person by nature. Lavi decided that for now, he would be Kanda's best friend.

He walked slowly and settled himself not far from Kanda. Kanda turned to face him. Lavi was stunned; there was such a lost look on his face. It was as if Kanda was at a crossroad and he could not make a decision. Lavi decided to start first.

"You look like you have a lot on your mind, Yuu-chan. What's up?"

Kanda stared at him. After a moment of silence, he faced the sunset again. "Yes, I do. I'm tired but I can't sleep. There's too much on my mind," he said quietly, ignoring the name that Lavi had called him by. He had no one else now, only Lavi. If Lavi could help him, why not?

Shock was now visible on Lavi's face before he hurriedly tried to hide it. Not only did Kanda ignore the name Lavi had called him by, Kanda was actually willing to tell him what his problem was! He swallowed. "Hey Yuu, do you remember how when you, me and Moyashi-chan would just laze about somewhere in the forest when the three of us were free from missions? You'd be meditating as usual, I'd be dozing and Moyashi-chan would be lying down on his back in between us. Then when he thought that both of us weren't paying attention, he'd start singing very softly, remember?"

The ends of Kanda's mouth twitched upwards. Of course he remembered those times! Those were the only times he felt so relaxed in the company of other people…Sometimes, even Lenalee would join them but she was happier hanging around the science Department with her brother there. Plus, it saved them a whole lot of trouble when Komui thought that they were corrupting his little sister's mind. But he stiffened as he heard Lavi's next question.

"You miss Allen, don't you?"

Kanda tried to reply normally but his voice was tense and defensive. "So what if I miss him? I'm not the only one. Everyone misses him, even you. I'm just not used to him not here disturbing me,"

"No need to get so defensive, Yuu. I'm just saying. Anyway, I doubt anyone doesn't miss that kid. To see him have hope even now, it's an achievement already. It's hard to think what'll happen to him when he loses it. I think everyone'll do anything…just to keep him smiling. Even you, I suppose," Lavi commented with his usual air of cheerfulness, waiting to see Kanda's reaction.

Kanda relaxed slowly, after realizing that Lavi wasn't going to make fun of him or do anything. It was true what Lavi said. No one could help not seeing Moyashi smile. His hope was what that was keeping the Order going now in the war. Even _he_ had gone to a certain extent of making sure that Moyashi would continue to smile, no matter what. As long as Moyashi kept smiling, it was worth it. Come to think of it, he had broken many of his own personal rules just to do that. Moyashi was the only person that managed to make him do all that. Kanda's face started to show frustration at this thought. Didn't he promise himself a long time ago that he'd never break those rules for anyone? But then why had he broken most of it for a white-haired boy who spent most of the time irritating him? What were rules had he broken?

First of all, he had broken his first major rule. No feelings allowed. He had allowed himself to feel. Secondly, feelings and missions do not belong together. He had allowed Moyashi to cry countless of times on their missions together. Thirdly, do not put up with any nonsense from other. After all, a job is a job. He had tolerated a lot of nonsense from Moyashi and had even smirked in private over them. Fourthly, treat everyone with detachment to prevent emotional attachments. He was much more protective of Moyashi than others and he missed the boy, even now. He already had an emotional attachment to the boy. Lastly, don't ever hope. He was learning to hope. He had hoped that Moyashi would come home. That was why he was sad when Moyashi said that he wasn't coming home yet! He had hoped too much…

He had broken all his rules for Moyashi. All of them. No wonder he'd lost his bearings! All the rules that he broke made up the basis of his life. The rules he had lived by for so long were all broken. What frustrated him the most was where Moyashi was placed in his life. He still treated everyone the same, except for the younger boy. What did that mean? He started when Lavi commented.

"You've changed a lot, Yuu"

Kanda looked at Lavi and snorted. Lavi had no idea of the battle in his mind. Of course, he had changed! "Tch. What do you mean, Baka Usagi?"

"You've been fighting an internal battle for a long time, haven't you, Yuu?" Lavi said quietly.

Kanda shot him a questioning look. How did Lavi know of the internal battle in him? This was news to him! Lavi took a deep breath and started talking. It was unnerving to see Kanda Yuu listening so intently to him. Kanda had never listened to anyone before!

"I've known you for a very long time, Yuu. But I've never seen you like this before. Ever since Moyashi-chan became your partner, you've started to soften haven't you? I didn't really pay much attention until much later but I saw…You cared for him. You were protective of him. You let him through that thick barrier that you put around you and he did the same to you, didn't he? You always said that feelings and missions don't belong together but you let him cry countless times during the missions, right? I know all about that…He told me once. You did what you could to keep him smiling. You tolerated all the things that he did. Things that you used to call nonsense but you tolerated it anyway. You treated everyone the same, with scorn and detachment with the exception of him. The only people you've allowed to see this side of you was only me and Komui and that was _years_ after you finally trusted us. But you let him in only after a while. You weren't the only one that had changed you know, he did too. Allen started to become closer to you, always looking for your approval before doing something. He even knew how to appease you when you were in a rage and even I don't know how to do that,"

Lavi looked at Kanda, expecting a rebuff. What he didn't expect was a look of shock on Kanda's face! After a few minutes of tense silence, Kanda finally replied. "I didn't realize it until much later but you saw it so fast. Before I knew it, I had let him in through my defenses. He took the trouble of learning to understand me and I guess that's what made it easier. He made an effort to and that took guts. I admired that about him. I didn't have to be on my guard around him. I didn't have to try so hard. He never gave up and was always there for me. He understood me better than I understood myself sometimes. He genuinely cared about me. At first I reasoned with myself when I realized that he was depending on me. I told myself that he's had a sad life and though I was a cold-hearted bastard, I wasn't inhumane. I told myself that Moyashi deserved something to hold onto since he suffered so much already. I still thought he was useless and all but that doesn't mean I didn't care,"

Lavi smiled and said cheerfully, now that he was sure that Kanda wasn't going on a rampage. Clearly, he had a lot on his mind that he needed to share. "Everyone in the Order had a sad life, Yuu. That never stopped you before. He broke through every rule that you made didn't he? He made you feel something for the first time in years! Man, that kid's special,"

Kanda scowled. "You have no idea…"he replied darkly, thinking of all the sleepless nights and failed mediation sessions.

Lavi looked at him, surprised. "So what's on your mind, Yuu? You've been acting weirdly ever since Moyashi-chan called home,"

Kanda sighed, defeated. He started to tell Lavi everything. Once he started, he couldn't stop. He told Lavi about Moyashi's confession, his regret and guilt, the unexplainable dreams. Everything. It was like the dam that had been holding everything inside just broke. He couldn't stop even if he wanted to. As soon, as he had told Lavi everything, he leaned back against the tree once again. It felt good to let it all off his chest. Having to carry the burden alone was much harder than he'd thought. At least now that Lavi knew what was going on, maybe he'd know what to do.

Lavi just sat there, dumbfounded. He had not been expecting Allen to confess to Kanda. His Bookman mind started to work. As far as Lavi knew, Kanda did not feel. Nor did Kanda ever feel guilty. But what Kanda had just said proved that he did have emotions, he was just discovering it. It was just that the potent of his emotions were much stronger than other people because he was feeling everything for the first time. There had also been a wistful tone in his voice when he was talking about Allen. Kanda had winced slightly in slight discomfort at the touchy subject as he described the confrontation with Allen that had ended horribly, showing that he truly did regret everything that happened. Kanda never lied so Lavi did not doubt a single word of what Kanda was saying.

Lavi started to laugh from the amazement and shock of it all. Kanda's scowl returned and he started to move, trying to get up. Lavi pushed him down with one hand, trying to stifle the laughter to no success. Finally, he stopped. He looked at Kanda with an amused look in his eye. "Yuu, I'm sorry. I'm just shocked. You really have changed, haven't you? I'm only going to tell you this once, Yuu. You're in big trouble if the rest of the Order finds out you just broke their favorite's Exorcist's heart. Remember that time that I refused to tell you what Allen's been telling me?"

He stopped. Kanda nodded slowly, just realizing the amount of trouble he was in. Kanda internally groaned. As if he didn't have enough on his plate already!

"Yeah, about that. Moyashi didn't really say much but what made me really curious was that he avoided any conversation about you like plague or he would change the subject real fast. I kept pestering him until he finally told me to ask you what happened before hanging up. That's when I started paying close attention to you. Yuu, you have one last chance to make it up to Allen when he comes back. If you ever hurt him again, I will take him away from you. I love him like my own brother and I will do anything necessary to protect him. Even if it means that my friendship with you would end, get it?" Lavi said seriously.

"Tch. Yes, you stupid rabbit. I get it, you made it clear enough. Now are you going to help me solve this problem or are you just going to continue threatening me?"

"Seriously, Yuu…Don't tell me you still haven't figured it out?" Lavi asked him incredulously.

Kanda just shook his head. He was perplexed. Lavi knew? How was it that Lavi knew so fast while he had struggled for the past one month. Lavi slapped his forehead with his palm in exasperation. "Yuu, you have feelings for the kid! Ever since he left, you're more prone to prolonged silences and you'd wince each time me or Lenalee started a conversation about Moyashi-chan. You pine for him, you're fighting an internal battle about him and you're learning to hope. You've never felt emotions but now you are! All that points to something, you know. You may not want to admit it and it might not be romantically now but you have to know the truth. You _do_ feel something for Moyashi-chan and you have changed, whether you like it or not. I doubt you can hide those emotions again since they're out already but it would be easier for you to admit the truth. Your internal struggles should stop once you admit it but I can understand if you're scared. Being with him changed you, but only towards Allen. Not anyone else. He loved you for who you really are and Allen doesn't love easily, mind you. When he told you he loved you, it meant that he had given you everything he had. I'm not sure whether you still stand a chance but if you're really sincere, it might just work"

Kanda's scowl deepened as he mulled over everything Lavi had just said. Suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle fitted together. The internal battle in him stopped and everything became crystal clear. Lavi smiled by his side, happy as he saw Kanda accept the truth. As he embraced the truth, Kanda said it aloud in shock and amazement, "I have feelings for Moyashi!"

*****

Allen grunted before pushing himself off the wall once again and attacked Fou again and again with strike after strike. In fluid movements, Allen defended himself and jumped back, before running towards Fou, with his Innocence activated. His movements were like a dangerous but hypnotic dance as Roufa, Rikei and Shifu looked from the side, entranced by it. Allen's movements were gentle and swift like the wind, but deadly like a hurricane. They gasped as Fou charged towards him at the same time, with a grin on her face as she advanced towards Allen. They continued sparring for the next hour, each side not willing to concede defeat.

Allen was quickly tiring. He drew his breath in short pants and welt across his chest was starting to hurt, making it hard for him to breath. His leg muscles were protesting against the exertion. After 2 weeks in a coma, 4 weeks in the Infirmary and 1 month in the Asian Branch; this was his first try in any rigorous training. Fou's movements started to slow down as his legs wobbled dangerously.

"Gahh! Don't go soft on me now, Fou!" Allen shouted as he fought to remain in control of his body's actions, the strain on his face showing.

"Hmph Walker, I'm impressed. You've improved much faster this time! Well, at least there's something good from the tons of food you keep eating. You're going to eat all of us dry, you know. Don't think I'm going soft on you, though! Bak wants to know how you're doing in his office, now go. I need to rest anyway, we'll continue tomorrow morning," Fou said with a smirk as she backed off.

Allen nodded and deactivated his Innocence. He wasn't really ready to give up but his body seemed to think it was a good idea. He gave a wave and a bright smile to the 3 spectators before setting off for Bak's office. Allen walked over to Bak's office as fast as he could, trying not to put his weight on his limp. He sighed. Even after weeks of therapy, he was still trying to correct his limp and regain back the full use of his lungs. He grimaced as he tugged on his sleeveless shirt. The long gash across his chest was healing much faster, but it was still sore and painful.

He knocked on Bak's office door and waited until a voice inside bade him to come in. Allen entered and asked the man behind the desk cheerfully, "You asked for me, Bak-san?"

Bak looked up from his desk and motioned the boy to sit on the couch in front of him. He smiled at Allen's flushed face and asked a few questions about the training and how he was coping.

"Did Fou push you too hard? Are you ok, Allen-kun? Is the therapy thing working?"

Allen smiled, trying to put the man at ease. Allen could see that Bak had been very worried about the first training with Fou and hurriedly reassured the man. "I'm ok, Bak-san. Fou didn't push me too hard; in fact she took it slow. The therapy is going fine and Wong said that I'd have the full use of my lungs soon. Thank you very much for your concern and your willingness to let me stay on here, Bak-san,"

"Wong said you did well, Allen-kun. He was observing you through the golems placed in the training room and he said that your Innocence rate is almost back to normal. Your body looked okay meaning the injuries did not get worse. I think that's all to it, then. Have a good rest, Allen-kun!"

Allen bowed and went out. He found Tim waiting outside the office, waiting for him. He stroked the yellow golem and went back to their room together. As soon as he reached his room, he found trays of food inside courtesy of Roufa. Ever since he'd confessed to her that he always got lost searching for the canteen here, she had kindly brought trays of food up to his room with Shifu and Rikei at every mealtime. With a groan, he slowly sat down on his bed. He ate slowly, savoring the food. In no time at all, all the trays were finished. He stacked them up nicely and turned to Tim.

"Hey Tim, return the trays for me, will you? I don't think I can walk there. I'll probably just get lost again,"

Tim opened his mouth and swallowed the trays before flying out of the open door. Allen closed the door silently and let the mask of happiness fall. His bottom lip quivered. What Fou had said jokingly about him eating too much had been a sharp reminder and hurt him more than he'd ever show. His acting skills had always been good for him to beg for money a long time ago before Mana found him. After Master Cross had found him, he had honed his acting skills to help him pay off his master's debts.

All this while, his smiles and laughter at the Asian Branch had been faked. Should he have shown his true feelings in him, they would've probably sent him to a hospital or back to the Order. He looked out of the window.

It's been one month, ten hours and fifteen minutes since he'd left home. He yearned for home but he could not go back. Not ever. As long as his heart was broken, he would never step into the Order. He will not disturb Kanda with his presence anymore. The people at the Order were better off without him. He had been sorry to leave, but it was for the best. Hopefully, time would heal him. After all, people always said that time heal all wounds. As he looked away from the window, Allen started to feel nauseas and quickly went into the toilet next to his room.

The ache in his heart returned. He slumped next to the toilet bowl, his arms circling his torso once again. He held his body together and started hyper-ventilating. The ache throbbed around the edges, the pain lapping at him like waves on a beach. He was consumed by the pain and was pulled under. Tears started to form on his eyelashes and run down his cheeks like twin rivers. Finally, he couldn't hold it in and retched into the toilet bowl. All the food he had consumed came out, tears and sweat bathed his face. As the feeling of nausea passed, he smiled sadly. The broken pieces of his heart had grown too much to bear and each time he called home, the pieces would break even further. As much as he wished to blame and hate Kanda, the love for the man in his heart was too much. He wiped the tears off his face.

He pulled himself off the floor and washed his face, not leaving any trace of the breakdown. He went back to his room. As he settled into his exercise position on a chair, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. With the chair resting on one leg on the floor and his left arm folded behind his back, he balanced himself on his thumb. He opened his eyes once again. All the despair from his face was gone, leaving a blank look.

He hid all those emotions in his heart, locked and barricaded with a thick barrier. He put on his mask of happiness once again as Tim fluttered in through the open window. As he started his normal exercise, he blanked his mind and gave everything he had into the exercise. Ignoring the aching in his heart, he continued living his beautiful lie.

**Note of thanks to my darling god-mother, Sandra Okaa-san for being my cheerleader and encouraging me on even when I was tempted to throw my laptop out of the window and to Juraimy, my friend for the wonderful feedback and criticism.**

**To all readers, this chapter is extremely crucial, especially Allen's last part. Do try to refer to it for the following chapters. It will be explained soon. The next chapter will be quite long so it might take some time okays? Until next time, read and review! **

**Arigato and sayonara…**


	5. Finding A Broken One

**I know I said that it was going to be long. I'm not kidding about that haha. Anyway, I would like to apologize for the wait. Firstly, there was a mix-up for my course when I went to register which caused a whole lot of confusion and. I am now officially taking Diploma in Mass Communications instead. **

**Secondly, I went to a camp and got back with rashes all over my face and hands. Damn, it was itchy! So that delayed my typing some more. And then some writer's block…Blehh ):**

**I forgot the disclaimer for the last chapter. So here goes, I don't own nothing. Not even the bed in my room. All belong to Hoshino Sensei.**

**Nusku: There is always hope… Thank you for reviewing!  
Erendyce: Don't worry, I get you. By the way, I was reading one of your stories and I didn't even realize it was you! I was wondering why the name sounded so familiar haha. I'll leave a review next time (:  
Seika Dragon: Hehe… You'll get your answer in this and the next chapter *evil grin*  
Kayday: LOL read a happy one if you must but please come back to review!!!  
alice456: Thank you for reviewing!  
EXO718: You're not the only one…I wrote it and I was ready to kill both of them. Haha  
BonneNuit: Thank you very much. I really appreciate it!  
: My newest pen pal! LOL I have replied your message already!!  
Lala-tan: Haha…he will find Moyashi in this chapter. Thanks for the review  
xserenityx13x: He will, trust me (: Thank you for reviewing  
Juraimy: . Meanie. You lecture me about my laptop when you wanna dissect organs? Pfft.  
Aion Laven Walker: Yes, I agree (: Lavi's the best for these situations LOL  
Klueless9099: Arghh! Don't sock him! He'll be better really…I need him alive**

**Thank you to all who took the time to read this story, favorited it, put it on story alert or put me as favorited author!**

**Happy reading!**

Allen winced as his back hit a building behind him, imprinting the outline of his body on the brick wall. The Level 3 Akuma that just blasted him there just grinned in anticipation. His left eye began whirring wildly once more as pain flared in his left eye signaling that more Akuma were joining in the fight. "Shit!" he thought. As he slid down slowly, he let the ends of his Crown belt reached out to some nearby trees. Allen put his palms forward and dropped on the balls off his feet, his knees absorbing the impact of his fall.

The ends of his Crown belt helped him to slowly stand up, gasping as he did so. Allen stifled a groan as he felt blood seep through his head. His white hair was matted with grime and blood, staining it crimson red. He stumbled forward, only to be surrounded by three Level 3s. Pain shot through his head as he moved a few steps forward, only to center himself even more between the 3 Akumas.

"Okay, not good, not good!"Allen internally shouted.

He was all alone.

He had no back-up and he was in an abandoned town.

Black spots began to color his vision and his head was swimming with dizziness. The blood had dripped all the way down to his Exorcist coat, making it hard for him to move. With a grunt, he shook his head clearing it from dizziness and pushed himself forward once again with the last bit of strength he had. He slowly turned around, observing the Akumas' positions and began to devise a strategy. With a yell, he threw himself back into battle mode but this time with a plan in mind.

As he delved in the empty places between the Akumas, the Akumas started to get confused by the white cloak that surrounded the boy and began shooting randomly. The cloak and the belt was everywhere at once trying to confuse the Akumas and making them turn on each other amidst the confusion. It worked! Shots started flying in the air, filling the sky with debris and flying chunks of bricks from nearby buildings.

As soon as the first Akuma got killed by the other 2 Akumas, Allen started to fight the remaining two. Two he could handle, but three was impossible without back-up. The brutal dance went on as Allen jumped back and forth giving attack after attack while defending himself with his cloak. The two Akumas were getting frustrated, making their movements easier to predict since it was more exaggerated than usual. The remaining buildings were smashed into smithereens, making the sky look like it was filled with fireworks from the blasts from both sides of the attack. With one last attack, Allen silenced the remaining two with one last strike before falling on his knees. He deactivated his innocence and coughed from the dust and grime in the air.

"May God grant peace on your souls," he muttered.

He slowly pushed himself off the ground and started to move forward, using trees and the remains of the buildings around that was still standing to support him. Allen was panting heavily. The dust that covered the air was too thick making it hard for him to breathe. His legs felt like jelly with no more strength in them. The black spots in his vision had returned once again and blood still kept dripping from the wound at the back of his head. He stumbled a few steps forward before he slumped forward, defeated. The dizziness had come back, only ten times worse than before. There was no strength left in him as he blacked out on the ground.

*****

Kanda was walking towards his Finder, furious. He and Toma had been here for the past one week and all they'd done was destroy Akumas! The large number of Akumas meant that there was at least Innocence in the area but neither of them could find anything. Not even a small clue! He was tired, hungry and frustrated. The closest thing to civilization was 5 miles away and they had to walk all the way back to their inn there since the town they were in was totally deserted.

He and Toma were just about to set off when Kanda's sharp hearing caught the sound of a wall being smashed. It seemed far away but Kanda turned his head towards the direction and set off, with Toma at his heels. He didn't know why but he had a sense of foreboding as his quick run brought him to a small clearing. The buildings on each side of the clearing had all been smashed or were just standing remains. Dust was thick in the air making Kanda's eyes water and he coughed. That was when he heard a slight movement to his right and squinted his eyes towards that direction. He heard Toma gasp.

"Kanda-dono! That's Walker-dono over there!"

Kanda's head swiveled towards the right direction and fought a gasp himself.

He ran towards the slumped body on the ground, the white hair visible even now. Kanda fought a cry from his throat as he saw the long-awaited boy from his dreams. He felt Allen for any intensive injuries and found that Allen's head wound was still bleeding profusely. Kanda signaled to Toma for bandages and began to wrap the bandage around the head, stopping the bleeding. He quickly examined the boy once again and sighed with relief when he found no other life-threatening injuries except for a few shallow cuts. He had just picked up the boy in his arms when Toma called him to come forward.

"Kanda-dono, I found Walker-dono's golem Timcanpy!"

Tim was stuck in between the branches of a tree, struggling futilely trying to get out when he saw his master's body carried by Kanda. Toma released the golem when the golem shot out and landed on Allen, stroking himself against Allen's cheek. Tim looked up and saw Kanda. Tim's first reaction was simple-this Kanda had hurt his master before! He started to flutter around Kanda's head aggressively trying to give a warning. Kanda gave an exasperated groan and shifted the younger male in his arms. He pulled on Tim's tail and said slowly.

"Tim, I'm not going to hurt him. Lavi and the rest of the Order would kill me if I ever do that again. Now show me what happened!"

At Kanda's statement, Tim fluttered a few times around Kanda's head before finally settling down and projected the incident. Apparently Allen had put him on the branch putting in the two Innocences that he'd found a few days ago in Tim's mouth for safe-keeping. Kanda had grumbled at that. No wonder they couldn't find the Innocences! Moyashi had them… Kanda continued watching. Allen had just finished putting the Innocences when his left eye whirred into action. He had spun around only to be blasted into a wall, the smash that Kanda had heard ages ago. Tim had tried to fly out to help his master when he got stuck in between the smaller branches of the tree. As the recording finished, Tim settled on Allen's head once again and looked at Kanda expectantly.

Kanda hoisted Allen up in reply and walked forward. Toma quickly fell into step beside Kanda and they both walked towards the inn. Kanda sighed internally. It had been nine months since he saw Moyashi and by some stroke of luck, he'd met him here! Moyashi had stayed on in the Asian branch and had only been allowed into the field three months ago. In the six months that he was in the Asian Branch, his synchronization rate had increased once more making him eligible for General status. According to Komui and what information that he'd gotten from Lavi, Allen had resisted vehemently until Bak had told him that if he did not accept, Inspector Louvelier would have to come and make him a General himself. That had made Allen shut up and receive the Exorcist General coat. But Lavi had gleefully told Kanda that Allen had been so mad that he'd considered killing Bak. Kanda has sputtered at that, trying to imagine _the _Moyashi killing someone. Sure, the kid had killed plenty of Akuma but that hardly made him a murderer.

In those three months in the field, even the higher-ups had been amazed at the achievements that Moyashi had accomplished. The youngest General had proven his worth of attaining General status.

Moyashi had found 9 accommodators of Innocence; a record for the Order for one Exorcist. This did not count the number of Innocences that he had found along the way. He had saved plenty of Akuma souls as well as towns. But some things had changed. Moyashi still didn't come home but he would send Tim off back to the Order with regular updates and new accommodators, not wanting to take on any apprentices just yet. Sometimes when Moyashi didn't send Tim, he'd call from any town that had a Finder's base but that was very seldom. He preferred to send Tim since his own sense of direction made it hard for him to give directions to the new accommodators to go to the Black Order. It made sense to Moyashi to just send Tim as guide, making things easier for everyone.

In the amount of time Moyashi had been gone, the Order returned back to how it was before Moyashi ever came, but with less happiness and laughter. The white-haired exorcist was still sorely missed by everyone.

"Hmph maybe you did bring laughter to the Order, Moyashi" Kanda thought.

In that same amount of time, Lavi and he had gotten closer. True, they still fought every single day and Lavi still irritated him to death, but things between them had gotten to a higher level of understanding for each other. Lavi now allowed Kanda in the room when he was talking to Allen, knowing that the older Exorcist would rather die than admit that he missed the younger boy's voice. Sometimes, they'd have conversations in corridors and exchange any gossip that they heard about Allen. For Kanda, he was very grateful to Lavi for not revealing his secret and for any recent news on Moyashi. Now that he'd admitted the truth, he was very much at peace with himself but was very anxious as to when Moyashi would ever come home. He, in return, tried to put up with Lavi's company more often. Kanda understood that the red-haired guy was very much lonely after Allen left, being deprived of a friend and a brother. Unlike Kanda, Lavi had been much closer to Moyashi and thus, missed him more than anyone else. Moyashi had looked up to Lavi as a big brother and Lavi had always watched out for Moyashi, no matter where he was.

Kanda frowned as his thoughts came back to earth. Hold on. Why was Moyashi so damn light? It was like he didn't even weigh anything. His pace started to pick up as they saw the inn in their sight. The morning light peeped through the clouds, signaling that a new day had come. As the light cast long shadows on nearby trees, Kanda found himself thinking about his confession to Lavi. As Toma hurried beside him, Kanda abruptly turned to the Finder and stopped in his tracks. Toma skidded to a stop, not wanting to bump into Kanda.

"Find a doctor. I'll bring Moyashi up," Kanda ordered.

Toma nodded. He was the only Finder who could stand Kanda's behavior, thus being paired up with Kanda much more often. He was very used to Kanda's ways so he didn't question Kanda's abrupt order, figuring that the swordsman had his reasons. He turned away from the direction of the inn and walked off in search of a doctor. In these early hours of morning, it would take some time before he could find one that was willing to make a house visit.

With Allen in his arms, Kanda hoisted the still unconscious boy to a more comfortable position, almost making Timcanpy fall in the process. Tim shot up. But before he could even bite Kanda, Kanda had held him tightly in a fist.

"Go back to the Order. Tell Komui, I found Moyashi and that I'm bringing him home. Oh and tell that idiot that Moyashi's still unconscious so he can't work the Ark. Got that? Stay there until we come,"

Kanda growled all of that quietly before letting Tim go. Tim glared up at the ebony-haired man but set off for the long journey, knowing that his young maser was in much danger and that no matter how this man had hurt Allen in the past, he was the only who could help his young master right now.

Kanda sighed in exasperation and trudged up the stairs of the inn after giving a sharp nod to the owner of the inn. As he laid Moyashi on the bed in the room, he went to the adjoining washroom next to the room. Grabbing a basin and filling it with water and a washcloth, Kanda went back to the pale white-haired boy on the bed and looked properly. The boy who had made the great Kanda Yuu fall and eat his own words…

Finally seeing Moyashi in proper light, Kanda stifled the gasp that threatened to leave his mouth. "What the hell did you do to yourself?!"

Allen was deadly pale, a sickly white with a sheen of sweat on his face. His skin looked almost yellow under the bedroom light. Kanda looked closer. Allen's face had lost all the slenderness of his former self, only leaving sharp angles accentuating the cheekbones making him look haggard and old beyond his years. The skin was sagging where his once almost chubby cheeks were. Beneath his closed eyes were purple shadows, eye bags big enough to challenge the Panda Bookman. He looked like he was going to die any moment… His breathing came in sharp pants, making Allen look so vulnerable and small. His chest was rising rapidly. The once silky and thick snowy locks were now thin and all the silkiness were now gone.

Kanda immediately set down the basin and the washcloth before ripping Allen's Exorcist General coat and shirt open, not bothering with the neck ribbon. Did he miss any intensive injury on his Moyashi's body? Why did he look like he was on the brink of death? Was he hurt anywhere else? What Kanda saw next, made the swordsman cry out, unable to keep the despair out from his mouth. He clapped his hand over his mouth, attempting to fight the nausea and bile in him from rising. He knelt beside the bed with his free hand holding his head. The last wall of defense around Kanda broke as he tried to process the image before him. Despair and shock clouded his mind as he tried to comprehend what had happened. His eyes were clenched tight but the image of his former partner could still be seen behind his eyelids.

"No, no… What did you do to yourself, Moyashi?!?"

Allen's coat hid a bag of bones, literally. The usual flat planes of his chest had been replaced by ribs sticking out. His ribs, collarbone, hipbones and shoulder blades all stood out. The once slender but agile body was no more. Allen's once fine physique had changed drastically to reveal a small body. The skin was also sallow and dry, not the former milky white and smooth as it used to be. As Kanda gathered Allen in his arms, he could feel the whole of Allen's skeleton in his frail body. There were scratch marks on the left part of Allen's chest on his heart but since the cuts were healing, Kanda didn't think much of it. The long gash that was across his chest from the Akuma attack 10 months ago, including the time he spent in the Infirmary had healed to a long thin welt that was a few shades darker than his skin color. But what caught Kanda's eyes was the thick white bandage that covered the whole of Allen's right wrist. Kanda frowned. What else had Moyashi done to his body…Did he even want to find out what was behind the bandage? Did he really want to know?

As he put Moyashi down again on the bed, Kanda sidled towards the bandaged wrist slowly and picked up the wrist carefully. The wrist looked so fragile and he was afraid to grab it in fear that it'll break or crumble into pieces. Kanda took a deep breath and tried to prepare himself mentally for whatever stupidity Moyashi had done to himself. After some hesitation, Kanda squared his shoulders and began to slowly unravel the long bandage. And that was when Kanda Yuu finally snapped and broke down.

The bandage that covered the wrist began to reveal stained blood as it neared the end. As Kanda tore through the bandage, he muffled the sounds of shock with one of his hands. The whole of the Moyashi's wrist was covered by slashes and cuts of deep red blood! Some of them were recent as blood was still dripping from them. Some of the cuts were old as scabs had started to form and heal. The blood slowly made their way down to the bed sheets as Kanda just stared at the wrist with horror-struck eyes. The cuts varied from light to deep, and the slashes were long and short. Thin lines crisscrossed on the wrist creating a sick distorted pattern that adorned the pale skin. Some of the cuts had healed, leaving thin white lines on the even whiter skin. The coppery smell of blood soon filled the air. Kanda's nostrils flared at the smell as his mind went blank for a moment.

Kanda quickly scrambled to his feet but not before putting the wrist down gently. He started to quickly look through Allen's clothes and expertly felt the hem of the Exorcist coat, knowing that people usually kept their things hidden here. Finally after painstakingly searching through the hem of the entire coat, he found what he was looking for. He found 2 penknives in the hem. Kanda could not believe his eyes. No-more like he couldn't deal with this new Allen Walker. This was not the person he had fallen in love with 9 months ago. What had made Allen change so drastically?

There were unshed tears in his beautiful dark eyes as he quietly picked up the basin and washcloth. He did not know what to do. He did not know what to think. So, he did the only thing he could think of. Kanda started to unravel the makeshift bandage on Allen's head and clean the wound. This time, he applied some medicine around the wound to make it heal faster before wrapping it up securely. Silently, he got up once again to change the water and refilled it. Reaching for more bandages along the way in his backpack, his gaze once again fell onto the younger boy on the bed. This time, he heaved a sigh that held many unspoken emotions before he took the bleeding wrist and cleaned that too.

After finishing bandaging the wrist, Kanda just knelt beside the bed and stared at the younger boy whose face had haunted him in his sleep and meditations. With longing written all over his face, Kanda hesitantly raised his right arm and gently stroked the unconscious boy's cheek. Kanda's eyes glistened. He remembered of all the times he had dreamt that he was holding Moyashi in his arms and now he finally had the chance.

He scooped up Moyashi in his arms and just sat there. He held the boy in his arms and hugged him. He cradled the boy to his chest, reveling in the sweetness of the moment. For Kanda, time had stopped for now. To him, this was bliss… It didn't matter that he was sweaty and sticky. It didn't matter that Moyashi was half-naked and was covered in sweat and grime of his own. Nothing mattered. All that mattered was the long-awaited boy in his arms. All the guilt and regret that he'd carried for 9 months vanished without a trace. For that moment, it seemed perfect to Kanda. Kanda gently stroked Moyashi's cheek over and over, not daring to do anymore.

"I've missed you so much, Moyashi" he whispered finally.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Kanda dressed Allen back but didn't button up. He could hear Toma and the doctor coming up the stairs and knew that the doctor would need to examine Moyashi. Kanda went off to the washroom with the basin of water and blood. As he greeted the incoming doctor with a grunt, Kanda and Toma waited as the doctor began his examination on the Allen.

*****

_(Half an hour later)_

The doctor that Toma had brought began packing his bag after examining Allen carefully. Kanda immediately stepped away from the wall he had been leaning against and asked abruptly.

"What happened to him?"

"Well, Mr. Kanda…It seems that Mr. Walker hasn't been eating or sleeping much. In short, he collapsed from exhaustion and lack of energy. His body is trying to get as much rest as possible right now so just let him sleep off his exhaustion," the doctor explained.

"So what do I do?" Kanda asked quickly before Toma could. Toma raised his eyebrows.

"Feed him regularly every 4 hours, just liquids. Drip the liquid in his mouth slowly since we can't put a drip into his arm due to the cuts there and make sure he swallows, got it? I'll give you some medicine to lessen the pain on his head when he wakes up. He might suffer from temporary amnesia but I cannot confirm that. I'll leave some nutritional liquids here for you to feed him but get some more from me when your supply finishes," the doctor instructed.

"Tch. Fine"

Toma gave the doctor some money before sending the doctor back to his house. Kanda closed the door and decided to give the Moyashi the liquids that the doctor just gave. He would need Moyashi to regain some strength if he wanted to bring Moyashi back to the Order soon. He had had enough of this place. As he slowly dripped the liquid down Allen's throat, Kanda made sure he swallowed before proceeding with another spoonful. Kanda's face held tenderness as he slowly fed the liquid to the boy. The concern in his eyes made no one doubt his worry and care for the boy he nursed, should there be someone there.

And that was how Toma found Kanda when he got back. Kanda had just finished spooning the entire bowl of liquid and was tucking Allen in; making sure that the young General was warm before washing the bowl in the washroom.

*****

_(24 hours later)_

Allen woke up with a groan. "Urgh…What happened? Where in the world am I? Argh…My head feels as if Lavi just hit me with his hammer or something."

It took a moment for him to realize that he was in a bed inside an inn. The curtains were drawn so he couldn't tell if it was day or night but he felt as if he had been asleep for a very long time. Allen started to stretch his stiff muscles while lying down when he realized that someone was watching him. That someone appeared to be watching him from the far corner of the room. Allen tried to sit up when he got pushed down. The figure had moved quickly to push him down, not allowing him to move.

"Tch. Stop moving, Baka Moyashi! Go back to sleep," the voice ordered.

"What the hell! Don't touch me!" Allen screamed and tried to scramble away from the figure and away from the touch.

"Stop moving, you idiot! And what's with that sentence…I saved your bloody life again, Baka Moyashi!" Kanda shouted in exasperation, trying to stop the younger male from struggling.

Allen started at the word Moyashi. He froze. That voice sounded very familiar and only 1 person called him by that nickname…Wait, wasn't that Kanda's voice?

"K…Ka…Kan…Kanda!"

Kanda stared at Allen. He finally removed his hand from the boy when he realized that Allen wasn't going to struggle anymore. He had heard Allen acknowledge him so he knew that the doctor's previous fears of him suffering from short-term amnesia were unfounded. Moyashi was fine! Kanda internally sighed with relief. He had thought that the boy would have taken longer to wake up but was glad that he had sent Toma in his place to get more liquids from the doctor's house.

Allen had finally calmed down enough after a few minutes of mumbled curses and unintelligible words. He slowly sat up and regarded Kanda with a strange look in his eyes. Kanda sighed in exasperation and sat on the corner of the bed. He did not miss Allen's reaction. Allen had stiffened and moved farther away. Kanda felt sad. The boy still had not forgiven him after all these months, it seems.

Allen groaned softly. "Of all the people to save me. It just had to be him-_again_…Does God really hate me that much?" he thought to himself.

Each was trapped in their own thoughts as minutes slowly ticked by. Allen continued to stare at the blankets that covered him waist downwards while Kanda looked at Allen with sadness in his eyes. Time crept by slowly as the tense silence grew.

"Moyashi, what happened to you?" Kanda asked quietly when the silence became unbearable and stifling. Allen stiffened.

"Why would you care, Kanda? When did you ever care…I don't wanna talk about it okay. I'm fine, I'm just exhausted. I'll be okay after some more sleep. Just leave me here; I'm not going to burden you with my presence more than necessary. I'll even pay for your stay at the inn. Then you'll go your way and I'll go mine," Allen answered back just as quietly but with a sharp edge to his voice and coldness that didn't suit him.

Kanda could only stare at Allen in shock, mouth open before he bristled. He growled angrily and started to raise his voice again. What the hell? How could Allen say that about him?

"What the fuck do you mean by you are fine?!? You just bloody collapsed yesterday and I had to rescue you from that godforsaken place! Do you realize you could have died there if I didn't happen to be there with Toma to look for Innocence? Your corpse would have laid there and nobody would've known that you died there. _I_ had to rescue you! I had to tell Toma to find a doctor in early hours of the morning and what do I find? A boy who slashed his wrist repeatedly and fainted from lack of sleep!" Kanda shouted.

Kanda's chest was heaving up and down from his sudden outburst of anger. He could barely control his anger. Oh how he longed to threaten the boy that lay in front of him! But he knew it wasn't going to solve any problem… Nor was it going to help him with Moyashi. He was about to continue his ranting when he heard Allen laugh. Kanda froze. He could've sworn that his heart had stopped beating for a moment.

That had not been Allen's usual laugh. Kanda would know. He and Lavi had spent so much time with the younger boy that they had even classified Allen's laughs! Allen's laughs of pure happiness, laughs tinged with sadness and chuckles that usually involved pranks from Lavi. That laugh had not fit into any of the categories above. That laugh had been cold and bitter-devoid of all emotions.

"Well then, I guess I'll just have to apologize right? I'm sorry Kanda for burdening you for saving my sorry ass, as you would say it-again. Not that I asked you to, but sorry for the trouble. If I had known that you'd make a fuss about saving me, I wouldn't have even bothered coming. Face it Kanda, I'm still nothing to you,"

Allen had closed his eyes and shook his head gently. He had a pained expression on his face as he mocked Kanda with his words. Why couldn't Kanda just leave already?

"Fuck you, Moyashi…Do you even realize what you're doing to your body? You, of all people, should know that you have to take care of your own body if you want to go on saving others. What the fuck did you think you were doing? I told you so many times that your body is a temple; you must protect and cleanse it. Not destroy it!" Kanda shouted again as he rose from the bed.

Allen still had his eyes closed but he'd stop shaking his head.

"No matter…I'm bringing you back home, whether you like it or not," Kanda continued in a softer voice.

Allen immediately opened his eyes in shock and stared at Kanda in horror. No, he could not! Not now, not ever! He was about to protest when Kanda cut him off.

"Komui's orders, Moyashi! No buts…" he growled.

Kanda had Toma connect to the Order during the time Allen was unconscious and the supervisor had told Kanda to bring the young General home. Apparently Tim had arrived after flying non-stop the whole time and he had some things to discuss with Allen after seeing some footage from Tim.

Upon hearing that, Allen shut up. He knew that he had no power against the Supervisor's orders. A smile started to form on his face. Kanda's breath hitched, he felt perturbed. That was exactly the same smile he had fallen for. That was the smile Moyashi had had before this entire mess started. Kanda felt his heartstrings pull at the sight of the familiar smile. Angelic. Naïve. And completely innocent.

But what made his heart ache were Moyashi's eyes. The usually lively and sparkling eyes were now lifeless with a look of utter defeat in them. The spark in them had gone leaving the eyes blank and dull like old metal. Allen closed his eyes and took a deep, slow breath before opening his eyes again. Kanda gaped at the transformation.

When Allen had opened his eyes, only a look of his former happiness remained. All the despair had gone. His eyes had returned back to normal making Kanda really wonder if he had seen truly the lifeless look in Allen's eyes. Allen had locked all his emotions away in a dark corner of his heart and brought on his mask. All that could be seen was happiness and nothing but that. He looked up at Kanda and smiled again. Kanda took a few steps back in shock. Did anyone know that Moyashi was a bloody good actor? He sure didn't!

Why had Allen changed so much? Why was he like this? Why? When? How? Those questions kept running through his head as he stared in horror at Allen. It was at this moment that Toma came in. Kanda hurriedly pulled himself together, letting the questions float to the back of his mind. He watched as Allen talked to Toma with his usual cheerfulness. Kanda left the room, not wanting to watch the lies.

For the next few days, things remained the same. Toma would go out to take the nutritional liquid from the doctor's house in the morning while Kanda and Allen would stay indoors. When Kanda had mentioned that he wanted to return as soon as possible, the doctor had suggested for Allen to be kept on liquid diet since it was the easiest for Allen to gain energy. Since Allen could now feed himself, Kanda only had to make sure that the younger male would not sneak out as he was prone to do when he was alone.

Fortunately, Kanda always got to him before he got too far. Allen would then go back sullenly into the room with Kanda watching his every move. Every time Kanda tried to broach the subject of what had made Allen this way always ended up in an argument. Allen would deflect the questions with an irritating air of cheerfulness while Kanda would get so angry that he'd stalk off outside to stop himself from murdering the young General.

As soon as Allen got the green light from the doctor to travel, Toma had immediately bought the first train tickets for the 3 of them. The journey back home had been tense and uncomfortable. On Toma's side, he had been glad to finally see the Black Order building. Acting as a mediator between the 2 Exorcists had not been easy for him. The two of them had been arguing all the way in the train until even the train conductor had gone to their cabin to say that they were disturbing the peace of the other passengers. Both of them had fallen silent at this point but the icy glares and pointed looks did not decrease the tension in the cabin.

-

"Walker-dono, are you sure you're ok?" Toma asked anxiously as he saw Allen struggling to walk in a straight line towards the building.

Kanda looked behind with worry etched on his face. Moyashi had been struggling the whole way they had been walking but he had declined any offer of Toma carrying him or leaning against him for support. Moyashi had carried on despite the countless number of times he had fallen along the way. Kanda had been pleased to see that the Moyashi's determination was still there.

"It's alright, Toma. I just haven't been exercising my legs for a long time. I'll be fine. Anyway, we're reaching the building already," Allen smiled gently at the worried Finder before pointing out the entrance to the building.

At this, Allen took a deep breath and pushed himself forward once again only to have Kanda grab his hand. Allen stiffened before pulling his arm away from Kanda as politely as he could.

"Don't worry, Kanda. I'm fine. We're reaching home soon," Allen said quietly before setting off again.

Kanda nodded, knowing that the boy would never ask for help from anyone if he could. The 3 of them set off again and opened the doors to the building. There was exactly 1 minute of silence before people came pouring in from every direction of the building welcoming their favorite Exorcist. There were shouts and whoops as everyone attempted to hug Allen at once. It was like a sea of bodies in the hallway! Kanda had smirked and blended against the walls, not wanting to be crushed. Toma had disappeared. Kanda knew that the arrival of Moyashi had been awaited eagerly by everyone. He turned towards Moyashi, expecting to see a smile light up his face. Kanda knew that the young General actually did miss home very much.

That was when Kanda noticed. Allen had frozen at the sight of the surge of bodies that were coming. His silver eyes turned wide with panic and fright. His face started to turn pale. His small body started shaking and sweating. Allen had started to hyper-ventilate as if he couldn't breathe. His breathing became labored and harsh. His body started to shake even more violently as everyone started to hug and touch him. Tears started to form in his eyes as he stood there still frozen. The look of despair had returned back to his eyes and stayed there. His arms encircled his torso as if he was trying to protect himself from the affectionate welcome. His knuckles were turning white with the strength of his grip. Kanda started to frown. Kanda was about to step away from the wall and ask Moyashi what was going on when he saw something flying.

That was when he saw a flitting Timcanpy leading Lavi forward towards the boy. Lavi slowly touched Allen who jumped and turned, backing away. That was when he saw that it was Lavi. His tense position relaxed slightly but his face started to become even paler as bodies continued to crush him from either side. He saw Lavi whisper something into Allen's ear who nodded towards him almost gratefully. Kanda heard Lavi shout something to the crowd about Allen seeing Komui first and the crowd started to disperse.

Allen still stood there frozen, shaking and pale. Kanda saw how Lavi tried not to touch Allen as he led the shaking boy away from the hallway and into Komui's office. He saw Allen stumbling forward in the direction. The silver eyes no longer seeing anything but despair blinding him.

**I'm sorry if the part about Allen putting on a mask to conceal his emotions was a bit confusing. I only know how to say it from a first person perspective. I used to do that a lot…To the point that I lost who I was as a person. The mask became me and for a long time, I was numb to everything. The next chapter will not take too long I hope. By the way, I'm looking for a beta reader. Anybody want to volunteer? Please review to state your comments. All comments are appreciated and will be replied to.**

**Loves!  
Hanistar.**


	6. The Breaking PointPart 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Man nor will I ever.**

**Warning: There will be slight OOC of Kanda.**

Nusku: I pity him too…even though I wrote this fic. Thanks for the review!  
WrathofMugen: Yupyyup. You'll see Kanda's reaction in this one.  
Kayday: Haha, hey thanks for reviewing again. Yes, do read another smutty fic but once again…Come back and review this!!XD  
kitsun3kidd: Thank you very very much for reviewing! And I will try to update asap!  
alice456: Thank you for reviewing and please…Do read on!  
Erendyce: ^^ I have to say, you really give good comments. I was quite scared about the interactions between those two but it seems that I have succeeded! LOL, good to know that all those rewriting did come to some good.  
Bonnenuit: Muahahaha… Continue reading and reviewing, and you will see how this story ends!!  
Lala-tan: And I have finally updated! Realize that you were the only one who tried guessing? XD Read on!  
Aion Laven Walker: Haha thank you for the encouragement and support!!  
ichirin-no-hana: LOL I will try my very best to give them a happy ending *hints* but when my fingers start typing, they have a life of their own!! Argh XD  
Klueless9099: Yes, I know how you feel. I consider myself as the world's best actress in that. To your review, I have to say that we're probably the same. I was so good that I fooled my counselor and psychologist (: if that's not good, I don't know what is...I still have no idea who I am though.  
zero434: Updating…Updating…Thank you for reviewing!  
Juraimy: Yes! I finally updated! Woohoo…  
Dak'Airy Whyne: Thank you very much for your compliment. I will try my best to update asap for you kk? You really made my day (:  


**By the way, I'm just going to suggest something. I will try to update as fast as I can but if you guys give me 17 reviews for this chapter, I'll update it even faster. Fair? (:**

Kanda walked back to his room from the hallway with a deep frown etched on his face. Having a good memory was indeed helpful in times like this when he wasn't paying attention to his surroundings. He turned at the right hallways without even looking. Subconsciously, Kanda turned the doorknob to his room and laid down his backpack. He went to his bed and flung his body down-another habit he'd picked up from Moyashi months ago.

The Japanese's mind kept rewinding the scene in the hallway over and over as Kanda tried to analyze it from every point of view he could. No matter how hard he tried, Kanda could not see what could've caused Moyashi to act like that. Moyashi's mask and defenses had been torn down so fast! Kanda had never seen him this bad in all the times they were together. Sure, the kid was pretty hurt if someone called him a freak because of his left arm and cursed eye but even then, Moyashi had had a painful smile on his face as he smiled painfully at the person before sprinting off. Moyashi had never broken down into pieces like today. Kanda was too lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear the soft knock to his room. His mind started to drift off once again as he thought of their train ride back home. He had to admit, that had most definitely been nostalgic. Who would've thought that he'd miss their arguments that much? He sure didn't realize that. Arguing with Moyashi had been one of his favorite things to do with the bean sprout after all. Needless to say, he was very surprised when he heard Lenalee clearing her throat, trying to get his attention. His defenses shot up high as he sat back up, his back ramrod straight. Lenalee coming to talk to him was 1 thing, but being alone with her in a room had a high potential danger-for _him_.

He remembered that incident months ago…about 2 days after Moyashi had left for the Asian Branch; Lenalee had gone to his room to have a 'talk' with him in the middle of the night.

In reality, she had almost burst his eardrums off by screaming and shouting at him about if he didn't apologize to Allen by the end of this week, she would permanently castrate him or somewhere along those lines. Kanda had been shocked to hear so many curse words coming out of her mouth that he'd stood there with his mouth agape and stared at her. When his senses finally returned to him, he did the first thing he could think of without murdering the violet-eyed. Kanda had pushed the girl out of his room and yelled at her to stay out. He was about to slam the door closed when Komurin VII and Komui on the robot's shoulder came screaming cold murder and dragged him away. Kanda was sure that Komui had partially deafened him from that night with all the screaming, yelling and crying. Tears running down that idiot's face as he accused Kanda of hurting and doing inappropriate things to his darling little baby sister. Kanda's hand had been itching to draw out Mugen as a mantra repeated in his head.

"Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill."

If not for Reever hanging onto his coat, he'd have beheaded the fucking idiot with his fucking beret that night. It wasn't as if Komui had ended up unharmed though. Komui had ended up in the Infirmary with a battered face but knowing Kanda, it could've been a whole lot worse! While he, had ended up being partially deaf for the rest of that week. Luckily, Komui had enough sense to forbid his sister to come into the ebony-haired man's room ever again. So what was she doing here? Did Lenalee really want him to die that badly? He'd thought that he'd been kind of nice to her, that was, as kind as he could be. So, why the sudden need to visit him?

"I knocked but I guess you didn't hear…" she said softly catching his defensive glare. His eyes were narrowed in a cold gaze as he looked at her. Her violet eyes stared at the ground as her feet moved around as if unsure. She looked up a few times as if to speak but closed it at the last moment as if considering her words. She was hesitating…never a good sign. Lenalee had always been one to speak her mind but not now it seems.

"Tch. What do you want?" Kanda said brusquely. He did _not_ want the crazy brother of hers with his bizarre sister-complex to come in here again. Clearing the room had been a real pain in the ass for him afterwards that time.

"I'll just get straight to the point then. Nii-san wants to see you in his office but I'm not here to talk about that. I just wanted to say thank you for bringing back Allen-kun. You could've just left him in the inn while he was unconscious but you took care of him even then. Thank you for bringing him back, even if you still hate him. I'm sorry for screaming at you all those months ago. I still think you were to blame but I should've been more mature about it," Lenalee said hurriedly in a soft but still unsure tone.

Apparently, it took a lot of courage for her to come down here and apologize to him. Kanda had to admire that. Despite her brother's constant warnings and threatening, she had still come to apologize to him. He grunted in reply.

"Whatever. Get out, I need to change," he barked at her.

Lenalee looked into his eyes. He could see the delighted surprise in her big violet eyes as she tried to process the fact that he'd actually accepted her apology. She smiled at him happily before skipping out of the room and closed the door gently.

He stared at the closed door for a few minutes before he started to change. Shaking his head, he replaced his shirt with a clean one before picking up Mugen from the bed. Since Komui wanted to see him so fast, he thought that he'd rather take a shower later. Leaving his Exorcist coat open, Kanda stalked off to the Supervisor's office. He kicked the door open and walked in before sitting himself on the sofa as he waited for Komui to make his appearance from the mountains and mountains of paper that made up his desk.

"Kanda! You're here!" Komui sprung up from one of the many piles, making the papers flutter around in the air like confetti. Kanda felt slightly disturbed. Komui disturbingly resembled one of those jack-in the-box trinkets when he did that.

"Che. What is it?"

"Well…I want to know how you found Allen-kun and everything that happened while you were in that town." Komui said, now seriously.

Kanda told the story in short, clipped sentences. He left out the part of how Allen had looked like when he found him and the state that he was in but everything else he told. Frankly, he didn't want to remind himself of the Moyashi's state back then. It had hurt to see the strong boy that weak. But then again, Moyashi still hadn't forgiven him. As soon as Kanda finished telling, he stood up and glanced at the man.

"Anything else?"

"Yes. Did anything happen when the both of you were traveling? I know you're leaving some parts out so don't lie. What happened to Allen-kun? He looked like a fright when he came in just now!" Komui exclaimed angrily.

"Look, I don't know what happened to that idiot, okay! He was collapsed on the ground when I found him. He had a head wound so I bandaged it up. I brought him to the inn and I thought I missed some serious wound. He looked 10 times worse then! So I ripped his coat and shirt open and I see his bloody skeleton! Then when I looked at his wrist, it was all bandaged up. So I took the bandage off and I saw that he'd been slashing himself! The Finder brought the doctor and I gave him some nutritional liquid the doctor told me to feed him. That's all!" Kanda spat out angrily. Why the hell was Komui making him remember all this? He didn't want to! All he wanted to remember of that night was holding the white-haired in his arms. That's all...

"Kanda, I need to ask a favor from you."

"What!" Kanda snarled.

"I need to you to keep an eye on Allen-kun. I know this might sound wrong but I really think something happened to him since he became General. I don't want to distress anyone else since he just came back after so long. You're the only one I can depend on now. I know that both of you are not exactly on good terms with each other so I just want you to watch out for him. I've told Lavi the same thing also. So will you help me?" Komui said in an urgent tone.

"Fine. Anything else?" he replied back roughly, stunned. Kanda had not been expecting that, of all things.

"No no. You can go now, Kanda. And thank you for bringing him back," Komui said as a parting comment. Kanda gave no sign that he heard what the older man said as he crossed the room in 3 strides before he left, slamming the door closed.

He wanted to find Lavi. He wanted to know why Moyashi had been acting like that. He wanted to know what happened!

For the next few hours, Kanda searched the entire Order for any sign of the trademark red hair. He had gone to the canteen, the Usagi's room, even the library! He tried asking the Bookman but the Bookman had only replied that he hadn't seen Lavi since Allen came back and if Kanda found him, please send him back to the library. Kanda had to admit; even _he_ would run off if he was Lavi considering the tall amount of papers the Usagi had to memorize by tonight, courtesy of Panda Bookman.

Kanda became frustrated. It was obvious now that the Usagi definitely knew what was happening and he had totally disappeared. Okay, now he was mad. Kanda stalked off towards the whole Order trying to find either Lavi or Allen. The rest of the day was spent trying to find the 2 idiots who very conveniently decided to not appear anywhere for the rest of the day.

Kanda sighed as he went to the training room to cool off some steam and do his evening training. It was already 30 minutes past his usual training time. He could've sworn that he had steam coming out of his ears and nose after trying to search for those 2 for the past 5, no 6 hours! How could it be so hard to find 2 idiots? He was sure that he'd searched the entire building and courtyards! He settled in his meditating position and started to calm his mind and body down. Being angry and murderous wasn't going to help him this time.

-

_(The next day)_

Kanda rose up at the usual time in the morning, 5 am. As usual, he took a shower in the communal baths before he went back to his room to put on his clothes. Tying his long hair up after brushing through it meticulously, he put on his clothes and his coat. He took Mugen from the stand and belted it around his waist. As he laced his boots, Kanda thought of last night. For once in 10 months, he had slept a full night. A dreamless night. He smirked slightly. Even though Moyashi had just come back for 1 night, Kanda had felt the effect of it already. But his smirk disappeared as fast as it came as he remembered how Moyashi had acted around him. Oh well, life wasn't meant to be perfect

As he stepped out of his room, Kanda surveyed his surroundings. The sun still had not risen but he could feel that the atmosphere had changed. The atmosphere was…happy. Even though most of the people living here had not woken up, the Science Department was still awake and hard at work by Reever. Usually, there would be a glum look on their face since they had been working non-stop the whole night but today there were hints of smiles on their tired faces. Moyashi had brought back what he had taken-the happiness and laughter of the Order.

Kanda continued walking until he reached the canteen, knowing that Jerry would be awake by now. As he stepped inside the large hall, Kanda thought about today's schedule. After he ate, he would go off to the training room for his morning training. He'd meditate first for about 2 hours before proceeding with warm-ups. Then he would do his blindfolded training for the next 3 to 4 hours before doing the same amount of meditating to end it.

He was thinking of introducing more moves into his blindfolded training as he walked towards the counter where he gave Jerry his usual order. Receiving his soba in quick time, Kanda made his way towards one of the tables before he realized that Allen was sitting next to him, shoveling food into his mouth with such speed that it was surprising that the young General hadn't choke yet.

"Moyashi?" Kanda sat across him frowning. Why was Allen up so early? Usually he wouldn't even be awake until 7 or 8!

Allen jumped, nearly choking on his food when he saw Kanda across him. His position was tense but his expression was the exact opposite. The smile was back on and the spark in his eyes was there but Kanda could see that it was rather strained this time. The ends of his smile were forced as he looked at Kanda.

"Good morning, Kanda. The name's Allen, by the way," was his way of greeting.

"Baka Moyashi, aren't you supposed to be asleep? The doctor told you to sleep more didn't he? You idiot…" Kanda asked him in an offhanded manner as he started to eat his breakfast. That was when he noticed. Why didn't Allen call him BaKanda anymore? He had gotten so used to the nickname the bean sprout had given him.

Allen stiffened. His smile turned more forced as he stopped eating. "Once again Kanda, my name is A-L-L-E-N. Allen, not Moyashi. Not that it's any of your business but I couldn't sleep. I've been waking up at this time since I stayed at the Asian Branch,"

Kanda snorted in reply. There he goes again, lying. "Lies, Moyashi. Baka Usagi told me that you woke up at the same time over there. What's the matter with you? What happened to you?"

Allen slammed his hands on the table as he stood up. "What is _wrong_ with you? I said nothing, didn't I? And _why_ the hell are you so concerned! It's none of your business!"

"It _is_ my business if you're going to destroy your life, you fucking idiot! I told you that we're all family here, didn't I? Or have you forgotten? For God's sake, tell me!" Kanda demanded harshly.

"You're wrong, Kanda…You're wrong…You're wrong…"Allen shook his head slowly with the smile still attached on his face. It was then Allen heard a familiar voice-Lavi! He looked at Kanda.

"Don't tell Lavi I was here!" was all Allen said before he jumped and ran off in another direction.

Kanda stared at the disappearing sight of Allen. "Oi, you idiot! I haven't finished yet! Get back here." Kanda stood up as he tried to follow Allen when he heard Lavi come in, crashing. The ebony-haired man's eyes blazed with anger as he turned.

"Baka Usagi! Where the fuck were you yesterday!" Kanda shouted with rage.

Lavi gulped as he saw the dark, murderous aura that surrounded the older teen. Kanda's eyes were blazing in hot fury as he advanced towards Lavi with his hand on Mugen's hilt. The Japanese removed his beloved sword with ease. With a predatory look on his face, Kanda stomped towards the frozen rabbit that just stared at him with eyes filled with horror. And for once in the history of the Order, Lavi ran off at the sight of Kanda. No explanation, no reason. Lavi had just bolted off to only God knows where. Kanda gave chase to only come in a crossroad in one of the hallways.

In outrage, Kanda did the first thing that came to his mind. With Mugen still in his hand, he sliced every piece of furniture in sight. He was confused and extremely furious! What had happened to Allen? Why was he like that? Why didn't Lavi want to tell him what happen? Why? What? How? When? All these thoughts kept going through his head. As Kanda's chest heaved up and down from the sudden fit of anger, he looked around. His eyes widened as they took in the amount of damage he had done to the hallway. What was once furniture now looked like a big pile of firewood that surrounded him like a halo. Nothing was left standing, not even the drapes. They looked more like scraps of cloth hanging down from the windows.

"Oh shit. Komui's going to fucking kill me!" was all he could think of before he sped off, not wanting to suffer the wrath of the adult.

*****

For the next several days, the 3 Exorcists found themselves in a chase against and with each other. It became clear to everyone in the Order that something big was happening. It seemed utterly ridiculous and humorous to the people of the Black Order that _the_ usually unsociable and homicidal Kanda Yuu was now searching from top to bottom of the Order to search for Lavi and Allen Walker. Lavi, on the other hand, was avoiding Kanda for the first time ever and was avidly searching for Allen too. Unfortunately, Allen was hiding from them both and he had found exceptionally good hiding places to avoid being found by either. To Komui and the Science Department, it looked more like a scene out of an old cartoon where the dog would chase the cat that would in turn chase the mouse while running away from the cat. Only in this case; Kanda was the dog, Lavi was the cat and poor Allen was the mouse.

Kanda had turned the whole Order topsy-turvy once again to find the 2 Exorcists. It was now nighttime. All the time that wasn't spent on training or other basic necessities, was spent searching those 2 dumbasses. It was the 3rd day that he was searching for those 2 again when he decided to go to the communal bathrooms to take a quick shower. The Japanese's clothes were covered in sweat and his whole body felt sticky from him slicing through yet another Komurin invented by that stupid sister-complex. He had defeated the bloody robot in less than 10 minutes but getting rid of the equally irritating not to mention wailing Supervisor had taken him around 20 minutes before the man had finally shut up and let go of him-mainly because Mugen was dangerously close to cutting off his main artery.

Kanda was on the way to his room to get a change of clothes when something bumped into him, catching him off-balance. That something had moved so fast that the collision had made both of them fall on their back on the ground. Kanda stood up quickly and stomped over to that person with a glint of evil in his eyes. Who dared to bump into him? Who actually dared to make his mood worse than it already was? Didn't that person treasure his life?

All the murderous thoughts in him stopped as he looked at the person sprawled in front of him. The familiar white hair, a pale face now reddened, a familiar scar that ran down the left side of the face and a vertically challenged body. Allen. Allen was panting heavily as he stared at Kanda with horror in his eyes as a stricken look came onto his face as he realized what he just did. No one bumps into Kanda and knocks him off his feet without getting hurt-even if it was an accident.

"Ka-Kan-Kanda! Gomen nasai, Kanda. I honestly didn't see you! Please don't hurt me!" Allen squeaked as he threw up his arms to protect himself against the impact of Kanda hitting him. Allen closed his eyes and waited. Kanda just stared at him, uncomprehending. I took Kanda a few seconds to realize that he had been about to hit the young teen. After a few minutes of tense silence, Allen opened his eyes and stared at Kanda.

"Aren't you going to bash me up?" Allen asked as he winced, waiting for the hit again.

"Che. Why would I bash you, Baka Moyashi? It's not worth my time and frankly, I have better things to do than bash you up." Kanda snarled. His mood was getting worse by the minute and a headache was coming onto him. Kanda massaged his temples slowly as he tried to assess the situation calmly.

Allen got up shakily, still afraid that Kanda would still hit him. As soon as he realized that Kanda really wasn't going to, the younger male was about to back away slowly from the irate samurai when he heard Kanda calling him back. Allen reluctantly turned around.

"I'll just get to the point. Why the hell are you hiding from Usagi and me? Why is Lavi hiding from me and chasing you? What happened? And don't tell me nothing happened because I know you're lying! You're fucking lying to everyone and you're hoping that no one notices. Moyashi, you hide behind that smile of yours and put up ridiculously high defenses around yourself! Your aura of happiness reeks of all these lies and I want to know why…" Kanda stomped towards him menacingly as the sentences poured out of his mouth. He was tired of the fruitless goose-chases. He was tired of pretending not to care, when he actually did. He was tired of everything!

Allen's face turned a few shades paler as his mind caught the underlined meaning in Kanda's words. Kanda was saying that he knew Allen was a fake. Kanda saw through his whole act, like Lavi had. No, this was not _real_! This was not _happening_! Allen put his defenses all the way up and mentally checked if there were any holes in his mental shield before he hid himself in the sanctuary of his fake smile. He brought on all the months of practicing to be cheerful on and brought the horrid emotion forward.

"What are you saying, Kanda? I'm not hiding from either of you. And how could I possibly know why Lavi is hiding from you? I think there's something wrong in your head, you know. Did I hit you too hard or something? I'm sure if you go to the Infirmary, the Head Nurse will be kind enough to help you. I think you're just tired from your missions and everything. By the way, my name is Allen. Can't you even remember that? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way," Allen replied brightly, adding a few nervous laughs and scowls making his act even more believable as he hedged the questions with precision and ease. He babbled off some random stuff as he moved a few steps away from Kanda, trying to put more distance between them.

Kanda once again noticed how Allen had stopped calling him BaKanda. Usually, the white-haired would retort his nickname for Kanda when _his_ nickname was called. But Allen hadn't called him BaKanda since Allen had woken up, not even once! Kanda was getting more livid by the minute. Here he was, putting his pride away and actually stooped to the level of asking other people nicely where those 2 went, and those 2 didn't even bother to tell him what was going on! He was angry at Lavi, his supposedly best friend, for not trusting him enough to tell him anything. He was upset at Allen, for not forgiving him after all these months even though he knew he deserved it. He was angry at Komui for asking him to keep an eye on Allen and made him look like a freaking baby-sitter! He was angry and upset at everyone and anyone. Was love supposed to be this hard? Was love supposed to be this cruel? He had heard of how other people had always said that love was irrational and that it made people do stupid or crazy things. Kanda had even heard that love can cause people to lose their cool and made them do things that were out of character for them. But none of them had mentioned that it was this hard!

"Then answer this, Baka. Why have you stopped calling me BaKanda?" he whispered 2 feet away from Allen.

Allen's silver eyes turned wide as Kanda's defeated and tired tone. His mouth opened to reply but he closed it before he could. The action repeated 3 times before Kanda looked up and caught Allen's eyes with his hard look.

"Why?" Kanda repeated that one word, searching for the answer in those silver unreadable orbs.

That one word broke the smile. Anger entered the eyes, making them seem cold and hard as Allen opened his mouth to reply. The silver in his eyes glinted as he answered bitterly. "Why should I ever tell you? It's none of your business anyway. What happens to me is also none of your business. But since you've been chasing me repeatedly for 3 days, I'll tell you this much. I am not the person I used to be…I have changed. I am nothing; I am useless. I am an idiot with a stupid hero-complex. I am an empty shell. Even God has forsaken me, happy? Are you happy now?"

He looked away from Kanda as his gaze fell to the floor. There were no tears this time but the lithe frame trembled all the same from the words he was about to say. Whispering them softly, he looked at Kanda. "I hate you! I hate you, I really do! You made my life hell! Nothing you do can make up for the pain you caused or the tears that I shared. Just say that you hate me, please. Just let me out of my misery and tell me you hate me..." The anger in his words could not be mistaken as Allen took one look at him before he ran off once again, leaving Kanda frozen as he did 10 months ago but only this time in the presence of a well-lit moon that threw it's reflection at Kanda.

Kanda's mind stood frozen once again as he stared at the diminishing sight of Allen running away from him the second time. This time, however, Kanda took a faster time to come back to his senses. His face turned a few shades paler; making him look like a celestial being. The moonbeam highlighted the ebony hair, making it seem almost blue thus accentuating the Japanese's Oriental features even more. This time, however, his mind did not blank out on him nor did his feet move. The words played in his mind over and over but there was one emotion that rode out all his thoughts. Anger. He had thought that he had suffered enough during the 10 months but no, Moyashi just had to make it worse! That was the final straw as Kanda snapped. Not even his conscience could help him now as his mouth opened and said one last sentence before he stomped off for some sought after sleep.

"I don't know, I don't want to know and I don't care anymore!"

But even with those words, one could not mistake the existence of a one sole tear that escaped, rolling down his cheek like a teardrop diamond. That, in itself, conveyed the deep hurt and the concern he actually felt for the boy. That one sole tear had shown the conflicting emotions in the 19 year old as he decided to not care once again, and shut off his emotions to the world once again.

*****

Allen collapsed on the floor of his bedroom. He did not want to sleep, he never did. Not with _that _incident hanging over his head like a large storm cloud. But having been sleep-deprived since the day he woke up to find Kanda with him at the inn, Allen could not help his tired eyelids from closing. This was one of the reasons why he did not want to come back to the Order. This was why he hadn't tried coming home even though his heart ached for home so bad sometimes.

White locks were brushed out of his eyes as he lay down by the frame of the bed. He groaned. The lack of sleep was really catching up on him. His eyes were bloodshot and aching badly around the edges. Allen got up to turn on the lights in the room before settling down on the floor again. He gave a mirthless chuckle as he contemplated what he was now. He was going to be 16 in a few weeks but he was wishing that life would end for him.

He could not deny it… Seeing Kanda had opened up the old emotional wounds within him. Who would've thought that he'd still love Kanda after everything that had happened? But things were different now. He knew it now. He was never meant to have happiness in this world. No, not in any world actually. He deserved everything that he'd gotten up till now. As he rubbed his eyes with his coat sleeve, Allen shut his eyes.

His heart ached more and more now. Tears wanted to form in his eyes but he desperately held them at bay. Blunt fingernails scratched at the area on top of his heart, making the almost healed scabs break open once again. The pain that he had caused Kanda was magnified 10 times worse for him, because he caused it. It opened up his heart like a big gaping hole. His heart felt as if it had been ripped out. Allen felt as if he was in a deep, dark abyss with no light at the end of the tunnel.

The physical pain that the young British was causing onto himself was nothing compared to the emotional pain that he was facing now. The pain felt like waves on the shore of a beach, pain lapping on him tonight. He wanted to feel numb, numb to the pain and the feelings that he was feeling right now. He wanted to feel numb like he always did when he hid behind the sanctuary of his smile. He tried to shut off his mind, hoping that a miracle would happen.

"I'm sorry, Kanda," he whispered softly.

Allen pulled his knees to his chest and laid his head down. He hadn't meant to hurt Kanda that badly. He never did. No matter what had happened, that never changed. His love for the ebony-haired had remained strong despite everything else about him was broken. But he had been desperate then…Kanda had cornered him with the accusations of his fake happiness and he'd just snapped! He'd done it so that Kanda would stop pursuing him for the truth. The one true reason that kept him away from home. The real reason why he'd stopped calling Kanda BaKanda?

He didn't want to be reminded of those times 10 months ago. He didn't want to remember the happy times he had with his distorted yet dysfunctional family. He didn't want to waste any more tears on those times. Calling Kanda that would've opened more than enough old wounds to kill him permanently. He had been trying so hard to heal the wounds that Kanda had gave him when he'd left the Order. To call BaKanda would erase all the patching he'd done to repair his heart! He had enough bitterness in him to last a lifetime and Allen found himself contemplating once again. Maybe Kanda was right when he said that having hope would just make them bitter in days to come.

As he looked around at his sparse decorated room, Allen spoke the 3 words that would change his life forever.

"I give up."

**Yes, I know. This was truly a late chapter. I'm very sorry to keep you all waiting ): I wanted to do so much with this chapter but I couldn't cram it all into one! I wanted to do so much that I ended up being so frustrated and upset! I swear, this is only half of the chapter. The next part will come soon, I hope. This was the 11 pages that I finished. I think if I did the whole chapter, it'll be a lot longer to wait for you guys so under the advice of my friend Juraimy, I decided to split this chapter and receive your scoldings' in advance! Honestly, this chapter feels not quite right for me but this is the best I can come up with after many sleepless nights. I will make sure that my next chapter is up to scratch so please flame me if you wish. I honestly think I deserve it.**

**I apologize once again. Gomen nasai! *****Bows*******


	7. The Breaking Point: Part 2

**Disclaimer: Honestly, do you think I own Man? If you think I do, I think you're overdue for a brain scan. (:**

**Warning: There will be disturbing and graphic scenes in this chapter. Not for the faint-hearted. Rape and torture. **

**This chapter shall explain why Allen has been acting weirdly or as my friend said it, like a rebellious and over-emotional kid who has teenage angst. I'm really awfully sorry for the long wait but I'll explain it all after you've finished reading okay? Don't worry; A Broken Spirit is still my no. 1 priority (:**

**R&R, please! Happy reading!**

**Ichirin-no-hana: LOL. You have got to be one of the fastest reviewers ever! I just uploaded the chapter and within 1 hour you reviewed! Thank you very much for your encouragement. Deeply appreciated!**

Nusku: I believe you're going to have to read on to know that XD

Erendyce: Yeah I know what you mean… I think if I did the whole chapter, it would've come up to more than 20 pages. I don't mind typing it but it'll be a long time before I upload the whole thing. My favorite number is actually 7 but you guys already passed those so 17 sounds acceptable, no? XD

SeikaDragon: Hehe… Told you it's dark. But what I write usually corresponds with my emotions in real life. About Lavi, he knows that Kanda's feelings are true but for the answer to your question to why he avoided Kanda will be explained in the next chapter.

zero434: LOL. Really? I tried to make him not cry too much actually. But if you meant the tears in his eyes, he didn't actually cry those tears because they were never released. He never shed those tears, he held on to them. Thank you for reviewing!

BonneNuit: I thank you from the bottom of my heart ^^ you make my day with your positive encouragement!

Lavi Lane: Thank you for reviewing and please, read on!

Kayday: Technically, he did start it but then he didn't actually mean it. It goes to show that if you talk without thinking, you can really hurt people. Too bad this was the case.

Plata-Azul Firebird: I'm sure Kanda would really appreciate you saving Allen for him ^^ I really have to thank you for introducing me to that song. It really does fit the story doesn't it? Haha I love that song by the way. And I'll see what I can do about Kanda XD

Aion Laven Walker: Thank you for your review! Anyway, it's going to get even sadder here! Cos I'm leaving a cliffy! XD ***evil grin*******

: Hey there! ^^ They will but they're going to have to work real hard. Honestly, I pity them too 'cause it's mostly about misunderstandings. By the way, I'm waiting for your ending too… Thank you!

Kanda-is-all-I-want: You are now officially my beta! No, it's not going to get any happier anytime soon. XD

**: I'm not really sure about the growing mushrooms and I will try to update asap. I am glad that the emotions portrayed are strong enough for you. If it helps, I feed my chapters with my own sorrow…This chapter is dedicated to you my dear, for getting me out of my rut and finish this chapter!**

**Gelegentlich: LOL, you will now find out what he did okay? Haha sorry for absolute lateness!**

**..3000: And I have finally updated! And yeah, I know… It's like real dark**

_(Previously)_

As he looked around in his sparse decorated room, Allen spoke the 3 words that would change his life forever.

"I give up."

*****

_(Allen's POV)_

Yes, I, Allen Walker have done the impossible. I have given up. On love, on God and most definitely on life… None holds its meaning anymore. Not for me…

How could I not _be _this way?

My whole existence revolves around tragedies! One, after one…

I could never attain happiness; and in the rare times that I did have it, the happiness was always taken away in the end. My parents had left me for dead when they abandoned me in the streets, Mana had been taken away from me after just a few months of happiness, and Master Cross had left me all alone to find my way with Timcanpy. Hell, even my happiness at the Order was cut short! I just had to run off to the Asian Branch before being let out into the field once again. All of them had just abandoned me in the end. Maybe it was better if I left this world too. After all, what did I have in my life now? Nothing…

My thoughts started encircling around the one person that had cared for me without wanting anything in return. Mana, my foster father. Even up to the moment that I had killed him with this cursed arm of mine, he had said that he loved me. Never mind that he cursed me. He was the only one who cared for me and loved me for who I was. He was the only one that mattered. I was going to disappoint him by dying; I did not want Mana mad at me but I just no longer cared. I just wanted to die and join him wherever he was. That place would be much better than here, as long as he was there for me.

"I'm so sorry, Mana but I've made up my mind. I just can't keep walking forward anymore. I give up; I give up! I don't want to live anymore. I just want to be with you again. I want things to be like before when it was just the 2 of us. Our lives weren't perfect but at least you were there for me. I just want to be a kid again. I just want you to love me…" I muttered, my voice cracking twice. What I wouldn't give for him to hug me once more. To hear his voice saying my name once again with love only a parent could possess. Oh, how I wished that I had died that night along with Mana!

"God, if you can hear me and you've not abandoned me, please grant me this one last wish. Please let me end my misery. I just want it all to end. I don't want to go on anymore; I want this nightmare to end. Why did you abandon me when I needed you the most? Is it true what Tyki said? That I deserved everything that happened to me? Is that why you abandoned me? Is it true what Tyki said about me having no salvation because I was just too worthless? If it is, then please grant this wish of mine. Grant this last wish of mine and I won't taint the world with my presence any longer…I'll welcome death with open arms! I'll do anything! Please…just let tonight be the last of this nightmare and let me return to Mana. Just let me die tonight and return to his arms…" I whispered. My eyes were now probably swollen as well as bloodshot. Keeping the tears in had taken a good deal of my energy and my body was exhausted enough as it was. My muscles screamed in protest as I moved to a more comfortable position against my bed frame. I heaved a sigh.

Since I had returned back to the Order, I hadn't slept a wink. I had spent the long hours of those nights either in the training room, out in the compounds or roaming through the corridors of the Order. I now knew the layout of the building like the back of my hand and had found enough hiding places to last me a lifetime! It was just too bad that the hiding places hadn't kept Lavi from finding out the truth. Ever since Lavi found out the truth, he had been trying to apologize and get the entire incident out from me. Not that I would ever tell him, I wasn't planning to.

Lavi had found me the first night when he had been looking for me in my room. I was in the nearby washroom, puking my heart out into the ceramic sink. He'd been the first one to notice that something was wrong with me from the moment I came back. He knew what had happened from the start. I just wished he had left it at that when he left me outside Komui's office for a debrief session.

-

_(The night Allen returned)_

_Once again Allen found himself in front of a sink, puking the contents of today's dinner out. As far as he could remember, he'd been doing this since the day he left for the Asian Branch. As he leaned his head against the sink, he gave a wry grin. How had he come to this point?_

_It was reminiscent of his time at the Asian Branch... Every time he ate his usual amount of food at mealtimes, Kanda's words would echo at the back of his mind reminding how incredibly pathetic he was compared to the swordsman. The silver eyes would darken in distress and panic and he would feel nauseas as he remembered. Rushing to the washroom attached to his room, he had retched everything out. At first, he had felt disturbed and disgusted with himself. It would happen again and again, regardless of him trying to stop it. As days started to pass, the white-haired began accepting it as part of his routine. He would still eat normally but he would just leave enough in his system for him to get on with his training. He hid it from everyone, even Timcanpy, as he did not want to worry him more than necessary already._

_Allen had felt confused at that time. Somehow he just wasn't as disturbed about his eating problems unlike the time that he was with Cross. Soon, he just barely left enough nutrition in him for him to continue with his training. The young male started to conclude that maybe Kanda had been right to say all those things. He started to train himself late into the night, building up his stamina. A secret side of Allen Walker started to emerge. Using just pure will and determination; he bested hunger pangs, dizzy spells and exhaustion. Kanda's words were now permanently etched onto his mind, distorting who he was as a person and an Exorcist. Unable to rid himself of the confrontation, the words became a mantra in the months that had followed. He started to believe that Kanda was right._

_At the Asian Branch, Roufa and the other scientists had delivered food to him but now that he was back in the Order, he had been discreetly going to the washroom each time. The confrontation came back into his mind once again, making him feel immense surges of panic and distress! His mind went uncontrollably insane as his head went into the porcelain sink once more. Half-digested dinner came out in retches as streams of acid filled the sink. Flashes of the memory blinded his vision as his stomach churned. His calm breathing shattered as knees buckled to the floor. He pressed his forehead against the tiled floor as the cold calmed his perspiring forehead._

_That was when he felt Lavi pick him up and laid the younger male against his shoulder. They laid against the walls in silence. The Bookman said nothing as he rubbed the young General's back in soothing motions, hoping to ease the younger's pain. Allen closed his eyes at the older teen's attempt of giving comfort. "What really happened to you, Moyashi-chan?" Lavi said softly. Lavi's non-existent heart had broken into pieces when he saw the younger leaning over the sink when he'd peeked in hearing the disturbing sounds within. He silently wondered if he should inform Kanda that the samurai's love interest was sick…_

"_Do you really want to know the truth, Lavi?" Allen's hoarse voice answered. His throat hurt so badly from the acid that had traveled up from his stomach. He winced at the pain that talking was giving him. Allen knew he couldn't have kept anything from Lavi. After all, Lavi wasn't the Bookman Apprentice for nothing! The young General no longer cared about worrying others. At first, he had doubted upon telling anyone for fear of worrying them. But the way the situation was going on, he doubted that he could even last until next week. His will to keep on living was diminishing rapidly and his body felt weaker by the day. The abyss of darkness looked more tempting each day, calling him forward._

_Lavi nodded. Allen decided to spare Lavi the misery of learning what had truly happened and just give a brief overview. "I can't eat without puking, Lavi. Don't ask me why though. I'd be nauseous and before I know it, my head will be in the sink and everything I've eaten will come out. It's been happening for quite some time,"_

"_It's Yuu, isn't it?" Lavi answered gently with a question._

_Allen looked at him in shock. How had Lavi known how affected he was after the incident 10 months ago? As far as he'd known, Lavi had not been around when he confessed his crush on Kanda. Then it could only mean one thing…"Kanda told you what happened, didn't he? I should've guessed…" Allen snorted and grimaced in pain again._

_Lavi chuckled quietly confirming his thoughts before resuming to business. "Ne, Allen, you mind me asking you something?" he said gently. Allen nodded hesitantly. Had Lavi figured out what had truly happened to him already?_

"_Why did you act like that when you saw the amount of people running to welcome you? I know something happened, so don't try to hide anything from me. You were showing every sign of someone having been sexually abused or harassed. I know that I haven't exactly known you for a long time but you've never acted like that before. It hurts to see you like that. Allen, I treat you like my younger brother and I trust you with my life so please don't lie to me…"_

_The younger blanched a few shades paler before swallowing. "I can't hide anything from you, can I?" Allen's voice trembled with apprehension and fear evident. Lavi just waited for his answer in silence, not saying anything._

"_I had just found 2 Innocences in one of the nearby towns in Portugal. The town was trapped in the same way, as Miranda's town was only that it was because the 2 Innocence were repelling each other. Their nature was that of 2 polar opposites, thus the strange incidents. After I had sent Tim off with a long video explaining the entire thing, I went to one of the cheap inns. There, I happen to meet Tyki and Road passing by. When they saw me, they suddenly attacked without a word. I reacted by instinct but somehow Road knocked me unconscious," he said in a soft and hesitant manner. The younger became increasingly pale as he reached the second part of his story. The color of his face could easily be camouflaged against the washroom floor. Silver eyes dulled, leaving them empty and blank. His body stiffened and Allen continued in a monotonous voice._

"_When I woke up, Tyki raped me. He said that it was for revenge, both for what I did to the Ark and Kanda killing Skin Bolic. Apparently he had Road search through my mind while I was unconscious and saw my confession towards Kanda. Then, he had Road keep me in her dimension where I relived every bad memory I had gotten in my entire life over and over. Time seemed to stretch into years as I laid in mental agony watching those memories. When Road finally freed me from her dimension, I was just too weak to escape. I just wanted it to end. I didn't know how many days had passed by since I was their captive. Tyki came over to rape me again and again; only this time he made me beg for it. He repeated it everyday before they finally released me. That's all…" Allen continued. It seemed as if he was telling someone about how his day had been instead of telling someone an extremely horrifying and scarring experience! Allen had basically blocked the experience from his mind even though the images had continued to torment him late at night. But once again, he felt as if it was something that he had brought upon himself and was prepared to suffer in silence for it._

_Lavi exploded._

_He saw red. Someone had raped his little brother! And now this little brother of his was saying it so casually as if it was just a boring story! The green-eyed felt deep hurt that Allen did not even think of telling Lavi himself. Simply put, Lavi was _very _hurt and furious that Allen had not bothered to tell anyone that he'd been in trouble. The anger took hold of him…_

"_What the fuck do you mean by that's all!?! He bloody raped you Allen! How can you just stay so calm? How could you not tell us damn it! We're your family, Allen. Why did you do this to us!" Lavi ranted and shouted in his anger. Though he wasn't mad at Allen, he was disappointed that the younger male had not bothered to inform anyone when he was in need of help. Lavi would have thought that even Allen would come forward if he was I need of help. The red-haired didn't notice that he was now pacing the length of the washroom agitatedly. Neither did he notice the flash of anger in those familiar silver eyes._

"_What the fuck do you mean why did I do this to all of you? Do you think I wanted this to happen?? As if I haven't been through enough and you're scolding me…Thanks a lot Lavi, you just proved my point. I'm a nuisance to the world; I get it! You don't have to pretend you care anymore, Lavi. I shouldn't even have bothered telling you. I'll get along with my life just fine, thanks. I get it now!" Allen shouted angrily before he stomped out of the washroom with what little strength he could muster. _

_It was too late when Lavi realized what he had done and Allen had already gone off to God knows where. Unknown to Lavi, Allen had spent the night outside furiously clawing a tree trunk with his left arm until all that was left of the trunk were wood shavings that littered the forest floor._

-

After that night, I had spent the next few days hiding from Lavi. Even though Lavi always found me in the end, I always managed to slip out at the last minute ignoring his begging and insistent apologies. I did not wish to tell anything else to anybody. I did not wish to hope that someone would save me. Clearly, even the person who had treated me like a brother had pushed me away after knowing the truth! So much for family… I snorted indignantly. That night, my hope had extinguished into nothing. No spark remained after that night. I resigned myself to this fate of dying alone. Before I could change my mind once again, I pushed all the 'what ifs' out of my head and out of sight.

For once, I willingly let my eyes close as darkness swam in front of my eyes as darkness swam in front of my eyes. I stopped fighting the urge to nod off and just let the nightmares overtake me. For once since the rape, I wanted to relive the nightmares that had plagued every sleeping and waking moment since the day they left me bleeding by the roadside. If it meant that doing so would mean that I could end my life, I would gladly do it. Luckily, Komui was keeping Tim for tonight for a check-up and tinkering. If this was really was what Tyki meant when he said I deserved everything, I would take it as long as it would just end!

I started to pull down all the mental barriers that I had put up for my sanity. I had imagined my heart locked with a big lock on it before many thick and impenetrable walls sealed it off. To protect myself further, I had also created a mental shield of a thorny barrier that would prick anyone who got too close for my comfort. Mana had taught me this trick when we were traveling together. Mana had told me that imagining your barriers like this allowed you to do your job as a clown and entertain, even if you were feeling exceptionally horrible that day. The trick was to imagine your heart as a door to a room. Mana had said that everyone had their good and bad days but because we had a job, we had to be responsible do our duty regardless whether we like it or not. By creating shields around yourself, you protected yourself against insults without lashing back at the person.

I had not understood what Mana had meant at that time but I did as I was told. I did not question my father and I found that it was always easier to deal with my bad days and not lash out my misery unto others when your job was to make them happy… This was what that had kept me sane after the rape. These walls were the ones that prevented me from crying after the rape and had kept me moving forward to search for more Innocence and accommodators for the war. They were the reason why I had survived this long without any help from other people. And I was going to pull them down now…

I pulled them down, one by one. A long forgotten instinct for oneself to protect his or her mind made standby shields fly up, protecting the core of my soul. My shattered, fragile soul. That, I pulled down too. I wanted every defense of mine down before I could step into my nightmare. I didn't want to stop halfway after all the trouble I had gotten into to get to this point. Every time I had nodded off in the past 10 months, I had woken up screaming each time. With the nightmare still fresh in my mind, I had to get rid of the images being slammed into my mind. The mental agony and wounds were so painful and my head felt like bursting from the pressure. Mana had always said that to defeat mental pain was physical pain. Which was why he always had me training until I was drop-dead tired each time I got angry or upset.

I had begun cutting to release the suppressed emotions within me. The anger, shame and humiliation at the torment I had gone through during the rape. Since I hadn't allowed myself to cry, I had to release my emotions some other way… Penknives and cutters became my best friend soon enough. My faith in the world was no more and my hope of any form of salvation had died the night my innocence was taken. A smile tugged at the edges of my mouth. I had forgotten what happiness felt like. I might never know what it feels like ever again. Even then, I shed no tears. I submerged myself into my nightmare fully…

-

Should anyone look at the young boy at the foot of his bed in the room now, they would have seen a tired lopsided smile on his face-a smile that concealed the many struggles that the young General had weathered. A smile that did not hold the former joy it once had and instead was broken. The boy could no longer smile and happiness seemed so far off. As Allen slept, he found himself in a familiar place. It was the start of the entire nightmare and here he was to endure it once again as a punishment before he killed himself off.

*****

_(2 months ago in Portugal)_

Allen waved Timcanpy off as the yellow golem set off for a long journey back to the Order from the small city of Meda in Portugal in the early morning sun. The youngest General had just shipped his golem off to the Headquarters with 2 Innocences he had found. The situation he had found the city in had been nostalgic; it was the same situation Lenalee and he had found Miranda's town in. The difference was that there were no accommodators for the Innocence that he'd found and he was all alone as he investigated the source of the weird phenomenon.

The white-haired wrapped the end of his General coat around himself tightly as Timcanpy flew away from sight. He was going to miss the golem badly but even that wasn't enough to warrant himself a visit the Order. No amount of pleading or begging could have made him budge from the current place he was in. After being released into the field after 1 month, he had started scouring the Earth's surface for any accommodators or Innocence. He still kept in touch with home but it was very seldom. True, he still missed home a lot but having the freedom to travel the world as a General wasn't so bad… He had had the opportunity to visit many wonderful places others could only dream of!

He was content in a certain way…He hardly ever met people from the Order which allowed him to focus on the tasks given to him as well as strengthening his mask, perfecting it each time. The pain in his heart had dulled into an ache that he could bear so he was hardly complaining. It was much better than the heart-rending pain he'd felt at first… Though nights kept him in a restless sleep, his days were better when he could surround himself with people to keep him from his loneliness. Allen turned around and trudged back towards the direction of the inn. He decided to take a shortcut that went through a forest. Though the area was deserted and supposedly haunted, it took 20 minutes lesser than the time it would have taken if he had taken the normal route. What was the worst that could happen?

Coming to the edge of the forest, the white-haired started to feel apprehension and foreboding coiling at the pit of his stomach. Something bad was going to happen, he just knew it… But Allen being Allen, he was never one to shy away from danger. Others would call it recklessness; at this point a certain swordsman came into his mind making him wince slightly. But the young General preferred to call it facing the danger in the eye and eliminating it once and for all. His face took on a grim look as his resolve firmed. He took a deep breath before he set off into the forest.

After trekking through the forest for about 5 minutes, Allen could feel the worry draining from him slowly. As his senses took leave of him at the beauty of the nature surrounding him, he suddenly stopped. His eyes widened at the 2 figures in a small clearing up ahead. His inn was about 5 minutes walk from here and he could see the inn from where he was standing. Somehow the figures looked strangely familiar…Allen started to creep forward slowly, keeping to the shadows. He knew that none of the people living in the city dared to go through the forest so who could it be? His eye wasn't acting up so it could hardly be an Akuma… Allen got closer and closer.

Allen gasped.

"Ty-Tyki Mikk! Road Camelot!" he stuttered.

Road and Tyki turned around at the sound of his voice to face him, advancing towards him predatorily. They said nothing but smiled at him eerily. Allen stumbled a few steps backwards. The looks on their faces were enough to make even the bravest of people fear them. On both of their faces were looks that promised pain and more pain. Road started to giggle maniacally before she stopped moving and let Tyki move forward in front of her. Tyki's grin widened as Tease started to come out from his hands, flying towards Allen at top speed.

Allen immediately activated his Innocence without a second thought as he and Tyki battled. Allen could see that Road was still standing and looking towards them with the eerie smile still on her face. Suddenly, Road disappeared from the spot she'd been standing on. Allen looked around wildly, not wanting to get caught in their twisted trap. The Noahs were wildly known in the Order for their sadistic games that they played with the Exorcists before they died. A pang of fear ran through Allen's heart. Would this be his last day living on Earth? Would he never get t see his family again? Would he ever get to see _Kanda _again? His thoughts ran amok and as he continued to battle Tyki.

That was when he suddenly got hit on the head with brute force. He crumpled to ground instantly, his voice gasping in pain. Black spots started to cover his vision, as he lay slumped against the ground. This feels oddly ironic, Allen thought wryly as he remembered how he'd lost consciousness almost the same way with Kanda that time. The last thing that he saw before the darkness swept him away was Tyki and Road standing together looking at him with twisted smiles on their eager faces.

-

"Urgh, my head. It hurts… What happened? Where am I?"

Allen mumbled incoherently as he slowly became conscious. He had no idea where he was or how long he'd been knocked out. The last thing he'd remembered was being hit and _bam_! He'd woken up to a pounding headache. His head swiveled from side to side, observing his surroundings as he waited for his vision ad the pounding at the back of his head to clear. He soon realized that he was in a grand room that showed that whoever had decorated it had expensive taste. Everything in the room screamed wealth and riches as the pounding slowly receded to a bearable ache. Oh well, it was better than nothing!

That was when he'd noticed that his feet weren't touching the floor… Nor were his hands free to move. What the hell? Allen growled in frustration as he looked up and down, seeing his hands were chained up to the ceiling while his feet were manacled to the floor. The young boy started twisting and turning, trying to free himself when echoes of footsteps started walking towards the room he was in. Allen's eyes were wide open with horror as Tyki came inside the room with an evil glint in his eyes, making the younger shiver unconsciously at the waves of hate radiated from the man standing in front of him.

"Ah Walker! You're finally awake. You've been unconscious for a day, you know. I'm quite sorry about that." Tyki said albeit pleasantly. The eyes however screamed a different story…

"Tyki! What's the meaning of this? Let me go!" Allen shouted angrily. What did he do now? He sure as hell hadn't done anything to the Portuguese man after the Ark incident! Why did it seem as if the whole world was against him?

"Ah, don't worry pet. I'll release you soon enough… After you've had your punishment of course!" the Portuguese smirked darkly.

I can see that you're about to ask me what punishment did you deserve right? Let me enlighten you, pet! I will have my revenge on you on what you did to me during the Ark when you tried to exorcise the Noah from my body. Oh yes, young Allen. I have not forgotten about that. Because of you, I had to suffer pain for the first time in my life! You degraded me as a Noah!" Tyki hissed in anger as his face thundered. The humiliation he had felt when the myth that Noahs were immortal were proven to be false. For years, the Noahs had always boasted of their immortality and the special ability of Tyki Mikk to pass through anything had always made sure that the fact was never faulted with. His Tease had been the perfect weapon and he had thought of himself as indestructible, invincible. In the end, it was that cockiness that had brought him down… He continued, his voice dropping a few octaves and Allen had to strain his body forward to hear what Tyki said. " The Earl has kindly promised me that I could exact the ultimate revenge on you. He has given me the right to break you and by the time I've finished with you, you would have lost all faith in that Almighty God of yours and you will be broken without any doubt. You will be wishing for death when I have finished with you…"

Tyki stopped to observe Allen's reaction. Though apprehension and fear were apparent in the boy's body language, foolish faith and determination was still present in the silver eyes. Clearly Allen Walker still believed that his God would save him and that he would get out of this situation in one piece. Very foolish of him… There was a reason why he, the Noah of Pleasure, was in charge of breaking Allen Walker! As much as he was able to sense and know what would cause pleasure to each and everyone, he also knew ways to turn those pleasures into one hell of a nightmare! He knew the exact ways to break each person to the point that they would think that death were better than continuing to live on. It was one of his special signature abilities that separated him from the other Noahs. Tyki smirked once again.

"Also, Road discovered something very interesting in your memories when she was rummaging through that pretty head of yours. Apparently, the girly samurai has rejected you… He doesn't love you, does he? He humiliated you in front of everyone even though what you did was to save him. To him, you are nothing more than another Exorcist. You are nothing, nobody in this world. Nobody wants you, not even him. You are a waste of space to him. You are worthless in his eyes, aren't you, Allen Walker?" Tyki's smirk widened, as the younger's body froze upon hearing about the samurai. Allen stopped trying to get away and anger left his face rapidly, leaving a pale white face. Deep hurt and humiliation flooded the silver orbs as his body tried to curl up. Unable to do so, he hung his head down, covering the expressive eyes with his white bangs. The dull ache in his heart had erupted hearing the truth from the Portuguese and his shoulders slumped in resignation.

"Ah, pet. You have much to learn. The first lesson you'll learn right now is fear, respect and pain. Just to warn you, Road's going to give you her own revenge for killing our brother; Skin Bolic. Since she cannot touch and probably will not survive if she even touches Kanda, she will hurt the person who loves that idiotic samurai the most. Pity, it's you pet. A bit illogical, really. Unfortunately, the Earl has approved of her plans for you. You'll receive a nice surprise later on when you're unconscious later," Tyki's voice became a sultry caress as he walked around Allen, his eyes darkening at the sight of the lean body that lay underneath the Exorcist uniform. As soon as he had turned a full circle around the Exorcist, Tyki went up to Allen and grasped his cheek with one hand and pulled it forward to meet his gaze. Allen met his gaze determinedly although confusion and lingering hurt were still present in the silver eyes.

All of a sudden, Tyki pulled back and slapped Allen, leaving a handprint on one side of his face. Tyki continued slapping Allen on both sides of the cheek until the younger's lip split from the hard impact of the last slap. Both cheeks had red handprint marks! He tore open the coat and shirt without hesitation, ignoring Allen's yells of pain as the edges of the buttons left deep scratches on his chest. Tyki's eyes darkened in pleasure as he took in the untainted pale milky skin. Without any warning, Tyki started to pummel the young General with his bare fists, delighting in every pained groan and whimper each time he violently punched Allen's stomach over and over. Soon enough, the pale milky skin was no more… Dark bruises adorned the skin in random patterns and in some places; the skin had broken and had blood trickling down. Even Allen's face was not left unmarked. Somewhere during the beating, Tyki had started to punch Allen's cheeks and leaving them swollen. Allen's lip had split during the beating and blood now slowly dribbled down, leaving a trail of it down the now torn clothing.

Tyki laughed happily as he stepped back and surveyed his handiwork. "Beautiful," he breathed as he looked on. Allen was panting heavily from the beating he had just taken and was now glaring at Tyki with all the anger and hate he could summon. "You don't know how beautiful you look right now, pet. I've a mind to ravish you right now and forgo this part of the punishment but sadly, I can't. Well, not yet anyway. If you think the pain you're feeling now is bad, wait until I'm done with you. You're about to feel the worst pain you've ever felt in your entire life…" the older leaned in and whispered huskily into Allen's ear, the venom in the tone clear.

All of a sudden, Allen's pants were ripped down as hard as possible by the older. Allen gave a pained grunt at the rough treatment his body was getting. He was getting scared now… What did the Portuguese mean by all that? The worst pain he'd felt in his entire life? A draft entered the room just then from an open window, making goose bumps appear on Allen's newly exposed skin. Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands running up and down his thighs. Allen gave a cry of surprise as he tried to jerk away from the touch but received a slap in return. The pair of hands moved up to his sides and caressed the skin there softly. Once again, Allen tried to jerk out of the touch but this time no slap came. Instead, a sensuous chuckle came. Tyki straightened up and walked behind Allen slowly.

The young General finally realized what was going to happen to him as his underpants were being pulled down to reveal his privates. Allen stifled a cry as the reality of his situation finally began to sink in. Whimpers started coming out from his mouth as he heard Tyki unzipping his pants.

Of all the things he had gone through, his body and his mind were the only sanctuaries he had left! No matter what he had gone through, nobody had ever touched him in his mind or his body… The thought of Road messing around with his head was enough to make him quail. Images of Tyki and Lenalee being controlled by Road came to mind and a small whimper left him. His mind was the only thing that had kept him sane at his lowest moments and had kept him walking forward, no matter the dangers that lay ahead. Allen heaved dry sobs at the thought of Tyki touching him in his most intimate areas. Allen had always wanted his first time to be with someone special, not to be raped by Tyki while being shackled to the ceiling and the floor! His virginity was sacred to him, just as his mind was the only thing that was keeping his sanity intact and now Tyki was going to take away both in one single swoop!

Tears pricked the sides of his eyes as his eyelids fluttered close. "No, this isn't happening to me… This isn't happening! This is not happening!" he whimpered loudly as he felt Tyki run his erection up and down the line between the crack. Fear and disgust were mounting and Allen started to feel nauseas. Allen kept on praying that someone would burst in through the door and save him right now. That someone had realized that 2 insane Noah had kidnapped him. Hell, even Kanda would be welcomed right now in open arms! Allen started to struggle again, not wanting to feel Tyki's erection in him. Allen kept on praying for a miracle that someone would come for him even as his hopes started to diminish and he knew somewhere deep in his heart that no one knew where he was, let alone that he was kidnapped… No matter how skilled he was at fighting, people generally tended to forget that he was still a 15 year old at heart. Allen was still a child in certain ways and he still felt like a child at times. Now was one of those times and for that moment, he just wished that he was a child in Mana's arms and this wasn't happening to him. Allen was scared beyond reason… Tears started running down as he felt Tyki lining up behind him… He felt Tyki take a firm grip on his hips and pulled him backward harshly, impaling Allen on his cock without any preparation whatsoever!

With one thrust, the Portuguese penetrated Allen's puckered hole. Excruciating pain exploded as the younger thrashed trying to get away from the thick muscle that was now pushing itself into him. The pain was intense and to the younger, it felt as if he was being torn apart from inside. The tense muscles tore at the intrusion of the small hole and pain shot up Allen's spine as black and white spots started appearing in his vision. Allen could not stop screaming and struggling against the pain as Tyki groaned at the sweet hot tightness that now enveloped his pulsing cock. Oh god, Allen felt so good!

Tyki's grip on Allen was too strong for the rapidly weakening boy to fight against. Blood started to drip down towards the floor leaving a pool at Allen's feet. Allen was now crying openly, he just couldn't help it! Weeping his heart out, his hoarse screaming started again as Tyki started to move within him, not giving him time to adjust to the intrusion. With every thrust, Tyki was moaning with pleasure as Allen's screams and whimpers started to get higher and higher. Tyki was now driving the point home as he sheathed himself deeper and deeper within Allen. Allen felt pain and disgust piling up on him, as he suddenly felt light-headed from the torture he was receiving. Blood continued to dripping down at each forceful thrust as Tyki moaned his pleasure at how the younger's ass was clenching deliciously around his cock and knew he wouldn't last long.

"Allen…Pet…Your ass is the best I've ever had. You should be a whore with this kind of ass." He gasped out in pleasure. Tyki moaned out as he neared completion. Tyki didn't notice that the sounds coming from Allen were slowly decreasing in volume as his thrusts became more hurried and forceful. Though Tyki had been careful not to give Allen anything but agony and torment, it certainly didn't mean that _he _couldn't have some pleasure himself! Tyki knew a delicious body when he saw one, and Allen's body was exquisite!

Soon, the Portuguese's balls tightened and Tyki instinctively bit on Allen's shoulder with a heady rush of release. A husky moan was heard as he released and Tyki laid against Allen, feeling completely sated. He pulled himself out with a pop sound and stared back at his pet. Allen was a beautiful picture with blood and cum running down his milky white legs from his abused and torn hole. Bruises adorned the pale skin. Tyki's mark was now on Allen, marking him as the Portuguese's property. Tyki chortled happily when he realized that Allen had fallen unconscious from the torment he'd received. Too bad it was just going to get a whole lot worse…

Tyki pulled up his pants before zipping them up. He walked back to the door and opening it, revealing Road. Tyki gave a smirk to his niece as Road silently skipped inside before closing the door. "Is it time yet?" Road's voice asked eagerly. Tyki nodded at her with a gentle smile. An evil gleam entered Road's eyes just then that left Tyki very disturbed and he shivered as the girl skipped towards the room Allen was in. Nobody messed with Road, and unfortunately, Allen was now her victim. Tyki wondered if Allen would honestly survive the mental onslaught, knowing that the younger's mind was on the verge of breaking after the tryst with Tyki just now. Tyki whimpered as he felt blood rush to his groin as he remembered the hot tightness that had been encircling his cock just now. He scowled, knowing that Road would take a very long time and he was now forced to seek pleasure from more willing others. But it did not matter…His pet would be with him soon enough and Tyki chuckled in anticipation for the second round.

*****

_Allen felt himself fall into the welcoming darkness when he suddenly felt the ground shift beneath him and he landed on a rough surface. He groaned, thinking that Tyki had dumped him somewhere when he realized that his butt didn't feel any pain, nor did his body hurt from the brutal assault he'd just received. He cautiously opened his eyes, to find himself slumped on a road made from gravel. He shakily stood up, unsure of his surroundings. He felt as if he should know this place and it felt familiar but for the love of God, he just couldn't remember! That was when he heard soft sobbing noises coming nearby and the heart-wrenching sounds made Allen rush over to ease whoever's pain it was… Allen stopped short as he found himself facing an old but extremely familiar cemetery._

_His eyes widened in horror as he saw the younger version of himself, slumped against a headstone crying with tears and snot coming down on his face. Brown hair adorned the head instead of white locks. Allen stumbled closer, knowing the name upon the headstone yet not wanting to believe it yet. How could he be here? He hadn't seen this place since… His eyes fell onto the name on the headstone._

_Mana Walker._

_Allen gave a cry as his legs buckled beneath him. As he looked at the younger version of himself, one thought came in his head. _That was the last time he'd seen Mana's grave… _After Master Cross had taken him away, he'd never came back even though he'd pass through the area many times. Too many painful memories lingered in this place… Once again, Allen's eyes widened in frozen horror as he saw his younger self being approached by the Earl of Millennium. "No…not this!" He whispered as he stumbled across trying to stop his younger self from selling his soul to the devil. But as he stumbled across, he banged into a wall that separated him from the younger image of him and he could only continue to watch in despair as the events following that unfolded out before his eyes. The white-haired banged his fists against the invisible wall, trying to stop the events but was helpless except to watch it. He sank down to the ground as the younger Allen killed off Mana. Crystal tears ran down as agony went through his heart. It was one thing to still dream about killing you father, but to watch it in front of your own eyes, was pure agony… Eyes still wide open with horror, the tears continued to run freely before he finally noticed a pair of feet beside him._

_Allen looked up to see Road staring down at him. "Why…" One word…was all that Allen said before Road came down to his eye level and said, with no hint of her usual smile on her face. "You hurt my family, Allen Walker. Your lovely Kanda Yuu killed Skin, my brother. You injured Tyki, my uncle. Did you not think that we Noahs did not treasure our own family? If I cannot take Kanda Yuu away, I will take the person who loved him the most just like how you took Skin away from us even though we loved him the most,"_

_She continued on in a soft, yet chastising voice as if she was scolding a child. "As long as you are unconscious with Tyki and me still around, I will make you suffer for my pain, for my family's pain. I am going to make you watch all you worst memories unfolding before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do to stop neither it nor me. I shall take my leave now then. Good luck, Allen Walker. I wish you all the best in surviving these tortures," And with that, Road stood up gracefully and faded from the background, a malicious sneer stuck on her face._

_Allen's mind drew a blank as he watched Road fade… His head snapped back towards the invisible wall where he watched another memory take place in front of him. Something kept his head and eyes there, not wanting to let him miss a single moment. Even as Allen struggled against the control, he could see everything happening and he could not close his eyes. His soul felt like it was torn apart over and over as he watched each memory and by the time it had come to the fight at the cafeteria and his confession to Kanda, there were no more tears left in the young boy as he watched. His heart crumbled to dust by the time the 2 memories ended. The following memories had him watching numbly before the last memory came… Tyki's rape of him_

_The last memory brought a new wave of tears as he saw how his body and innocence was taken away mercilessly. All he could feel as he looked on at the memory was pain and disgust at. He was a bloody General, for God's sake! He should've been able to protect himself from the 2 Noahs! Was he that pathetic as Kanda said he was…? Was that all there was to him? A toy being used by others for their own pleasures as they saw fit? All that Allen could do was to curl up like a fetus as the violent cycle of dreams started again…_

_Time seemed so long as Allen lost count of how many time the cycles had gone on. He felt empty inside, completely devoid of feelings. He was numb as the memories continued to play… As he looked on at his memories, a thought came to his mind. I'm just tool to be used by others…I have no purpose in life except that. God has forsaken me… If He had cared, He would've stopped this from happening. He would've made sure that I was safe from all this but instead, I'm just a tool to be used to rid Akuma from this world. Tyki was right… I really am nothing; I'm just a waste of space._

_Slap!_

_Allen jerked back to consciousness, leaving Road's dimension behind. Tyki stood in front of him, palm raised towards his face, smirking. His eyes brightened as he saw that Allen had woken up. Tyki stepped a few steps back as thoughts encircled his mind. This was the last and most crucial part of the torture. _

_Breaking him until he was nothing. Nothing but a shell of what he used to be._

_The last part involved breaking Allen's already fragile mind apart and making him beg for it. Tyki frowned as he tried to think of ways best to do so. Looking back at Road who was standing in the corner, observing, he gave her a look that asked "What will break the last of his mind now?" Allen stared at them both; unseeing as his mind was still filled with images from the agony he'd suffered in Road's sick dimension. The pain at his ass had returned but it was nothing compared to the pain he was feeling deep within. He did not notice Road walking over to Tyki and whispering something in his ear before leaving, nor did he notice the amused glint in the Portuguese's eyes as he stepped back in front of Allen until his chin was grasped firmly to look into the Portuguese's smoldering gaze._

_Swirls of silver stared back at Tyki. Tyki's cock hardened as he gazed back excitedly at the dead look that he was receiving. It turned him on! His pants were tightening in anticipation and it was all he could do not to ravish the British right there and there. Slowly, he dropped the chin he was holding and began stroking the boy's sides tantalizingly with soft touches. Allen quickly came back to Earth and gasped! _

_Tyki was now laying feather light kisses on his still naked bruised body as his hands began to wander down to Allen's crotch. Allen's eyes widened and gave a whimper as his member was firmly gripped._

"_No, please, no more! Let me go! Stay away from me!" Allen screamed. Tyki started stroking him in harsh movements, reveling in the flesh that was now hardening in his hand. Tyki grinned as harsh pants came out from that tantalizing mouth. Allen tried to stop the panting, to no avail…_

"_What a fine specimen you have here, pet! I'm going to enjoy fucking you this time but this time, I'm taking you down with me" Tyki took a moment to pause and look at his pet._

"_No more, please. Stay away from me, you sick pervert! Get away from me!" Allen whimpered brokenly. No…Not this again. When will the torture end for him? The white-haired bit his bottom lip; trying not to let out the whimpers and groans he was holding in. The bottom lip was bitten down so hard that drops of blood started to form around the cut, turning Tyki on even more. Tyki gave a chuckle as he stroked Allen harder, finally getting a strangled moan from the white-haired. "Ah, pet you're so turned on by this aren't you? Your cock's humping against my hand quite nicely isn't it? You enjoy this don't you, pet? You like being touched by me. You want my touch, you crave it!"_

_Tyki asserted the statement by changing the pace of his hand to become slow sultry caresses. Allen's body was slowly betraying him as small moans and whimpers started to come forth. Cries of denial still poured forth but the body that had been struggling was now slowly placating. Thoughts that were telling him to escape were now jumbled up and he could no longer make any sense of them. Pleasure filled his mind like haze making any coherent thoughts disappear._

_Allen was now staring at Tyki with glazed eyes that shone with shame and need. He couldn't help but curse his body for weakening so fast under the Portuguese's ministrations. Somehow, Allen decided to foolishly hope that maybe he could push the older off and stop the inevitable. The younger tried bucking Tyki off, but he soon discovered it was a mistake. His bucking and struggling only made him hump even further into Tyki's rough ministrations, making him harden even more. Tyki laughed loudly as he started to place sharp nips trailing from Allen's jaw all the way down to his chest before stopping, making Allen whimper at the loss before soothing them with his tongue, enjoying the no longer concealed harsh pants and groans. Tyki lightly ghosted on Allen's cock, making the younger give off a loud moan and arch towards the touch wantonly._

"_You know what you are, pet? You're just a whore, a slut for me. You're just a tool for people to use. Nobody cares about you! You are good for nothing except to be used by others for our own pleasures, and that includes me!" Tyki whispered harshly as he rubbed the younger's slit, releasing precum._

_Allen cried out in denial even as he was still rutting shamelessly against Tyki's hand. Conflicting thoughts were running through his mind but for the love of everything, he just could not summon the energy to fight the bastard off. A sharp cry filled the room as Tyki leaned forward and took a nipple in his mouth, rolling it with his tongue delighting in the delicious sounds that came from the mouth above him. Tyki grinned wickedly, before biting down on it releasing a loud groan from Allen at the painful pleasure. _

_Allen's senses were assaulted by the attack on his still chained and shackled body. Even through all that, Allen still tried to fight off the Portuguese's heavy weight on his slim body. _

"_Come on try to fight me. I'm just going to make you sink even deeper when I take you later on. Your God has abandoned you hasn't he? You're worthless, even to His eyes! You are nothing, except to be used by others…" Tyki told the young British. His eyes shone with lust at the challenge presented to him. He was going to enjoy this kill… An evil thought came into his mind just then. He stared at the erotic picture Allen was with the chains and the bite marks. _

_Smirking, h__e reached his hand out and slapped Allen's ass, hard; the impact stinging his palm and leaving an angry red mark instantly. Allen gave a loud cry at the sharp pain. Pain mixed with the pleasure he was still feeling from Tyki stroking his cock, turning him on more and leaving him even harder. Tyki left more slaps on the tight ass, making the red handprints stand out against the pale skin of the body._

"_The sounds you make, just make me so hard" Tyki said sultrily to Allen's ear. The younger shivered at the need that laced the voice. Suddenly, Tyki stepped back and let his hands fall to his side. A quiet wail leaked out, leaving Tyki quite happy. Allen's silver eyes were like open windows, expressing exactly what he wanted. Allen's rock hard cock was now dripping precum on the floor, his lips were swollen and red from all the biting and the boy was trying in vain to push his body forward. _

_"Say it" Tyki coaxed. "Say it Allen. Beg for it. I won't give it to you until you do. Say that you're my slut. Say that you're my whore! Come on, Allen… You know that you want this!" And with that, Tyki expertly tugged on Allen's rock hard cock making the boy thrash around desperately from the pleasure he was getting yet hating every minute of it. Tears of need were leaking out from the corners of his eyes and his cock turned red from the pressure of wanting release. _

_Want and need overrode all the shame and disgust he was feeling at the moment. All thoughts had fled out when Tyki had tugged on his cock as Allen opened his mouth and begged for release. "Please Tyki, just fuck me already… I can't stand it!"_

"_Beg for me, Allen…" Tyki ordered._

_Moaning, Allen rolled his head to the side as he panted. His cock was throbbing and his whole body felt like it was on fire. He couldn't take much more of this. Tears of frustration and need leaked from his eyes, and he shuddered as Tyki tugged his cock several more times but always stopping before Allen could come._

"_I'm your whore! I'm your slut! Just fuck me already!" he cried out, unable to take the torment anymore. Tyki left a chaste kiss on Allen's lips before lining up behind him. Once again, with no preparation, Tyki was inside Allen. Allen cried out at the hard and large intrusion. Pain and pleasure filled him at that point as Tyki huskily laughed before stroking Allen's cock again. He groaned at the feeling of pulsing walls that tightened around him almost torturously._

_Allen's head was bowed and breathing heavily as pants and gasps accompanied flushed cheeks and the sleek layer of sweat dampening the fringe of his white locks and rolling down his neck. Tyki pulled out almost all the way out before ramming back into the sweet tight heat that Allen's ass was providing. Tyki did not wait for Allen to get used to him as he thrust in out. Setting up a rough rhythm, the Portuguese thrust in and out of the tight hole, the burn and pain combining with the feel of Tyki's cock brushing the bundle of nerves to create unlimited pleasure for Allen. He moaned and cried and screamed as the pleasure built. Allen was starting to see stars as the pleasure built up in him; he was going dizzy from the sensation._

_Tyki started shafting the boy in time to his thrusts as he whispered hoarsely into Allen's ear as his free hand brushed against the sensitive nipples. "Tell me pet, are you my whore?" Allen cried out at the intense pleasure he was receiving and cried out with a wanton moan. "I'm your whore!" Tyki asked again as he pinched the boy's nipples until they stood up. "Are you my slut? What are you pet?"_

_Allen cried out shamelessly. "I'm your slut! I'm just a tool to be used by others!" Tyki answered him with a painful pinch. "Yes, pet. Good that you know that. You're nothing but a tool!" His thrusts sped up as he felt balls tightening. But still, he could hold on to his control and ordered his pet to come for him like the whore he was._

_Sobbing in shame and pleasure, Allen obeyed helplessly. His whole body shuddered as the pleasure consumed him, and then swept over him in waves of sinful bliss as he rode out his orgasm, leaving him unconscious with the intensity he was receiving. As he slipped back into the darkness, he felt his ass milking Tyki's come. Tyki let out a loud moan as the walls tightened around his cock, milking his cock dry. Allen felt so dirty and disgusted with himself at the feeling of being used. The disgusting feeling of his ass being filled with Tyki's come made Allen want to move away. But he couldn't, as Tyki's hands were gripping his hips so hard that Allen was sure bruises were left and he had no more any energy and was only held up by the chains connected to the ceiling. As darkness took over him, his last thought was that he really was a tool to be used by others._

_Allen slipped back to unconsciousness where he relived his worst memories over and over before being slapped awake by Tyki only to be fucked and be told that he was just a tool. The routine went on for days before his body began to mourn the loss of food that he had not been able to consume since the start of his kidnapping. He had only been fed water to stay alive._

_Suddenly, he was slapped awake one day just after he had drifted off to unconsciousness after Tyki had milked all the pleasure out of him. He stared back in confusion, uncomprehending. Tyki smirked at him before asking Allen, "What are you, pet?"_

_Allen answered dully in a hoarse voice after the fucking session with Tyki that had left him sore and screaming out like the whore he was. "I'm just a tool to be used by others for their own pleasures. I'm your whore and your slut…"_

"_Very good, pet." He purred before raising a fist and knocked Allen out once again._

*****

Allen woke up with a loud scream as he rocked his body back and forth repeatedly. Trying to calm himself down, but it didn't work. Waves of shame and disgust poured off the trembling body, as the images still remained fresh in his mind. Stumbling towards the nearest communal toilet, the white-haired proceeded to empty the bile and stomach acid that had risen up his stomach as he relived those memories. That was what his mind had been shielding him from… That was the torture he had received that had broken him once and for all! That was the reason why life had lost its meaning and that was definitely why he was ending his life tonight to rid the world from his tainted presence…

As he crawled out of the cubicle he'd stumbled into, shaky hands wiped the acid that had remained on the edges of his mouth. Trembling violently, Allen slowly took out his last remaining friend. A penknife. Though he still had some hidden within Timcanpy's storage area and several bundles of other paper cutters and blades inside his room, this was the first penknife he had gotten and used. There was a sentimental value to Allen for using the first penknife he'd gotten to make the first cuts and to make the final cuts on himself, which would end his life.

There were no tears in his eyes as he brought the penknife down to the pale skin of his arm. Even as the first deep cut had been made, only a grimace on his face showed the pain he was inflicting on himself. His heart felt empty, as if all purposes were now gone and death was just another stepping-stone he had to go through and conquer. Blood seeped down from the cuts Allen made on both of his wrists. A deep cut on each wrist on the vein.

As Allen made himself comfortable against the comforting cool of the washroom floor, he started to feel light-headed from the amount of blood he was losing. Quickly he brought out a piece of paper that he'd written on straight after he was released from Tyki in Portugal. It was a poem that he'd written in a bout of despair before his mind had locked up the images of the torture he'd received at the back of his mind.

Allen closed his eyes and a crystal teardrop leaked from the corner of his left eye. The misery would end tonight. He did not want to suffer anymore nor taint the world with his presence. He had nothing left in this world. And that, was the last thoughts that ran through Allen's mind. He closed his eyes and a sad smile tugged at the corner of his face as he bid farewell to the miserable world...

_As I lay defeated on the ground  
My mind fading into darkness  
I curl myself up and brace for the impact  
As the nightmares and horrible memories return_

_Tears roll down my cheeks as my body starts shaking  
My mind relives my nightmares over and over  
I start breaking down further into smaller pieces  
Not bothering to conceal the pain within anymore_

_The pain overwhelms every nerve in my body  
As I scream to the point that no voice remains  
Fingernails continually scratching the flesh above my heart  
Trying to alleviate the pain, leaving trails of blood behind_

_I try my hardest to bear with it all  
Telling myself that it'll end and I'll wake up soon  
But I'm too weak by then to pull myself out  
As my body goes through the torture once again_

_Finally the nightmare ends…  
I open my red and puffy eyes slowly  
I look at myself in total disgust  
Yes, I'm a pathetic human being I think_

_I deserved every ounce of pain that day  
I deserved the humiliation, the shame  
Tyki was right…  
Kanda was right…_

_I am a nobody, a waste of space  
I am a shell with no soul  
I am useless  
I am pathetic_

_I have no one to blame but myself  
I am a whore and a slut  
I deserve no love  
I deserve no salvation_

_I deserve nothing…  
And that is why God has abandoned me  
I corrupt the world with my very presence  
And that is why my life will end once and for all tonight…_

**I know that I'm late but a lot of things had happened lately… My aunt wanted to disown her daughter, not caring that her husband was facing depression and not eating. A few mental breakdowns from yours truly and school had started. My sister had very serious problems with her friends at school so I really had to put this on hold. **

**Please check my profile on how soon I can update the story to prevent miscommunication okay? I apologize again and again, although I'm quite happy with this chapter. It took 12 rewrites but it's the best out of the 12. By the way, I'll be replying you all privately now except for the anon reviews. This chapter will also be taken down for a while for Mars-chan to beta for me okay? Oh, snd I would like your opinion on whether I should open my blog or lj to you guys for previews and problems concerning the story? Both are currently lying in the dust but if you wish it, I'll definitely open it up to you guys. So how about it?? (:**


	8. How To Save A Life

**Disclaimer: Nope… Don't own nothing yet. Hold on while I check my room. Nah, still nothing…**

**To all who reviewed, favorited, put me on alert or favorite author, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! (: **

**Hold on while I call Kanda okay… *****drags Kanda over***

**Me: Kanda! This is your birthday present! Happy belated birthday!  
Kanda: What, you Baka! I don't celebrate my birthday and you're late about it! *****fingering Mugen*****  
Me: Kanda, just read it. Pleeeaase… *****shoves papers to Kanda*****  
Kanda: *****finally reads it***** Tch. Whatever…  
Me: Aww, Kanda's blushing!!!  
Kanda: ……….. *****light blush on his cheeks*****  
Kanda: I'll just go find Moyashi… And thanks *****mumbles*******

It was a cold winter's night that found Kanda curled up in bed with a frown on his face as he slept on. He tossed and turned in a fitful sleep, his dreams full of turmoil. _"I hate you! I hate you, I really do! You made my life hell! Nothing you do can make up for the pain you caused or the tears that I shared. Just say that you hate me, please. Just let me out of my misery and tell me you hate me..."_ Bedcovers were flung hazardously over the bed, as the young swordsman lay sprawled in an unusual way. Kanda had just about fallen asleep an hour ago after a fit of rage where he had practically sliced every piece of furniture possible in his room. The only thing that had been left standing was his bed and that was because he had collapsed on it from exhaustion after slicing everything into pieces.

Suddenly, a loud banging was heard on his door. Kanda woke up from his light sleep with an exasperated groan as he looked at the clock on his wall. What the fuck? It was 3 bloody am in the morning! Kanda was not happy. He'd only fallen asleep at 2.30 am after his fit of anger _and_ he had to get up in 2 hours for his morning training! Someone was going to get killed tonight… He was tired, angry and his whole body ached like fucking hell!

As the loud banging persisted, Kanda got up with an exasperated groan as he ignored the coat that hung from one of the bedposts and instead took up Mugen that lay on its stand across the room. Bare-footed and only wearing the usual bandages that covered his bare chest, Kanda wrenched open the door, only to stumble a few steps backward and blink confusedly. The murderous aura stopped short of killing the person as Kanda's eyes adjusted to the sight in front of him. Lavi stood slumped against the doorframe; the usual cheerful aura swamped with depression. The fiery red hair that was usually held up proudly by a bandana was now half-loose and lopsided, making the red hair flop over messily all over the front of his face. A swollen emerald eye stared up at Kanda expectantly as tears trailed down his cheeks, remarking the visible tear trails that were already there. Snot dribbled down before being swiped away by a sleeve making Kanda wince at the sight before him. Lavi was just about to open his mouth before Kanda beat him to the punch…

"Tch, Baka Usagi? What the hell happened to you?" the Japanese asked gruffly. Lavi was after all the first friend he'd made, and he really wasn't as inhumane as people thought he was. Plus, Lavi already looked like crap. He did care for Lavi, a _very _small miniscule part but still cared nonetheless…

Suddenly, he was wrenched out of his room as Lavi started to wail, "Come on Yuu! We got to go find Moyashi-chan before it's too late! He's in one of the showers and I can't find him!" Lavi dragged Kanda down the corridor of his room and soon they were walking at a brisk pace. His hand, still being gripped tightly by Lavi as the redhead was still muttering about how they needed to go before it was too late and how it was his fault that this was happening. Kanda pulled them to a stop, still impatiently awaiting the explanation why he was being dragged away from his room. Lavi looked at him and tugged uselessly, pleading at Kanda with his eye. "Wait, so what if he's in the fucking showers? Look, why the hell did you pick me out of all the people to find him? He hates me, you fucking idiot! And why do you keep going on and on about it's going to be too late?"

"Look, I picked you cause you're my best friend and I need you to help me carry him! I can't do it alone and I really need your help! Now, can we please go?" Lavi said in a rush before trying once again to pull Kanda forward.

"Wait, what do you mean I have to carry him? Baka Usagi, what the fuck is going on? I want an explanation and I want it now!" Kanda yelled. He was tired, angry and very much confused. Kanda still had no idea what had happened, why people were running away from him and most of all, why was he hated so much?

Lavi looked at Kanda before throwing his hands up in exasperation. He was in a hurry here! Kanda's dark orbs were flashing dangerously and his stubborn stance showed that the Japanese wasn't going to move a single step. Lavi took several steps back hurriedly when he saw Kanda's hand inching towards Mugen on his belt. "Alright Yuu, alright! I get it, you're mad… Look, whatever I'm going to tell you _has_ to be kept between us. Just don't freak out with what I tell you okay?"

Kanda just stared deadly at Lavi, giving no promises. Lavi took a deep breath before he said it softly. " Allen got raped in Portugal on one of his missions. He got raped and he didn't tell anyone. He got raped and he kept it all to himself," Lavi had said was being registered within his mind. Saying that Kanda was shocked was an understatement! He was horrified! The Japanese could well understand why the Moyashi hadn't told anyone, having being partners with him for so long and knowing him for quite some time. How? What? When? Questions ran through his mind but it all stopped at the expressions that flit across the Apprentice Bookman's usually unreadable face.

Pain. Regret. Shame. Sadness. Kanda saw the expressions flit across the unusually expressive face. His eye became dark with pain and his head was bowed down with guilt. His dark orbs narrowed dangerously as he stalked menacingly towards Lavi, making the redhead look up at him. He moved silently towards Lavi as a silky dangerous voice reached the redhead's ears.

"Tell me Usagi, why do I see guilt, pain and shame on your face? There is something you're not telling me. You'd better tell me now or else…"

The sentence hung in the air but both knew what it meant. Lavi began to cower and whimper in fear as Kanda moved with a deadly ease like a lion towards its prey. But as he thought of the situation that Moyashi-chan might be facing on the other side, he began to pull himself together for the sake of his 'little brother'. He stood up straight and squared his shoulders. The Apprentice Bookman looked Kanda straight in the eye, unnerving the swordsman before dark blue orbs widened at Lavi's words. "Kanda, can we please talk about this later? I'll explain everything to you later but right now, we have to save Allen before it's too late! He's going to commit suicide tonight and we can't lose him again, Kanda… We can't. I don't care what you do to me later, you can even bash my head with Mugen later, but can we please save Allen first?"

Three things were wrong with that small speech…One, Lavi never called him by his surname unless it was really serious. Two, Lavi never asked for punishments voluntarily and especially from him, and lastly three, _his _Moyashi was _**committing suicide**_! As soon as Lavi had finished speaking, Kanda set off to a quick run in search of the young General. Lavi was left gaping at the sight of a quickly vanishing Kanda before he started to run after his best friend. Kanda spared him a glance before both sped up at an unspoken signal as Lavi's words hung in the air. _We can't lose him again. We can't. _The words echoed in both of their minds as worry crept into their eyes before they came to a stop, directly outside Allen's room. They exchanged a look before kicking the door open, Lavi with his boots and Kanda with his bare feet. _BAM!_ Nothing was in sight… They were about to move out of the room when a cold draft of wind travelled from a nearby window near one of the communal showers.

Kanda was about to continue moving when he scented a faint yet familiar smell. With a yank on Lavi's collar, the Japanese dragged Lavi inside where the smell got much stronger before they came to the sight of the youngest General on the floor with two pools of blood by his wrists. Both rushed inside at the sight when Kanda stopped and looked at Allen.

The signature white hair was spread out like a halo against the tiled floor, contrasting against the black and gold of his coat and pants of his Exorcist uniform. No shirt lay underneath it. The usual gloves were forsaken and coat sleeves were rolled up to reveal the two main slits that were causing the major blood loss. The angelic and naïve face was no more, and in its place was a broken soul with a face that was paling by the second and a remains of a once forgotten smile lay on the face. The sight was of a broken angel… Allen looked beautiful but at the same time, it would break anyone's heart at the sight. All these small details caught Kanda's eyes before he noticed a fluttering piece of paper nearby. As he bent down to pick it up, he ignored Lavi's little scream of "Oh my God Allen! We arrived just in time Yuu, thank God!" and was about to read it when he heard Lavi's frantic shout.

"Yuu! I need some bloody help here! I can't stop the bleeding and the pressure I'm applying isn't enough to stop it!"

Kanda's eyes were reluctant to leave the sight of his broken angel but the pressing situation at hand made him move to Lavi without question. The Japanese started removing the bandages that covered the curse tattoo on his chest and roughly pushed Lavi to the side, making the redhead gasp in surprise. With quick but gentle movements, Kanda hurriedly applied pressure on the wound before wrapping it up efficiently and turned it into a crude bandage for both wrists. Right now, he really would prefer it if the bandages were thicker but he hardly had a choice now, did he? Kanda just had to make do with what he had… As soon as the blood loss was stabilized, Kanda gently cradled his broken angel in his arms before standing up in one swift motion. Scowling at the rapidly blinking yet shocked Lavi and at himself for showing his soft side in front of others, the Japanese gave swift kick to Lavi's ankle. The Bookman Apprentice whimpered a little in pain, glaring at the swordsman as he followed Kanda, limping slightly as he waited the pain to wear off.

Mumbling something about irritating swordsmen and their inability to let others see their softer sides, Lavi quietened down at a sharp glare from Kanda. Both quickly moved to Allen's room where he was laid gently down on the bed. Lavi rushed forward with a curse while Kanda stepped back and let Lavi do what was needed. Kanda leaned against the wall, as he continued hearing mutterings on how they might've been too late if they'd made it even two minutes later. He ignored those mutterings and instead concentrated on the pale figure that lay on the bed instead. As Lavi scuttled back and forth with tons and tons of various stuff, including Timcanpy who had bared its teeth at Kanda when the golem first spotted him. He'd somehow gotten bags of blood from the Head Nurse in which Kanda really didn't want to know how he'd bribed her with. Instead, he only helped Lavi when the redhead requested for his help but never volunteering to do more. He silently did as he was told and only gave grunts in reply when needed.

It was a good thing that Lavi knew what he was doing, as Kanda didn't know what to do at all besides basic firs aid and bandaging! Though he knew how to bandage wounds better and faster than Lavi, he didn't know what the hell to do in situations like this! His wounds had always healed much too fast for him to do anything else besides bandaging unless it was really serious. But then, he'd probably be knocked out for a few hours since Kanda never really fainted from mere small injuries. Plus, being a bastard also meant he just didn't have to bother in helping other Finders or Exorcists since none even dared to ask him!

Right now, the cold hardly bothered him as he thought of the situation he was currently facing. He was at a crossroad, once again. Kanda knew he had to make choice now. If he made the wrong decision, it could not only affect his life, but others too! He had to decide right now if he only had feelings for Moyashi or if he loved Moyashi. Sounds simple, right? Too bad, it simply wasn't. It meant a lot to Kanda for him to say 'I love you' to someone. Those three words were never to be taken lightly in his point of view…

Should he decide that he loved Moyashi, it meant a lot of work in rebuilding Moyashi back to what he once was. Kanda would need tons and tons of patience and most of all, he couldn't give up on Allen. Did he have enough strength to stay till the end? Will he ever be able to bring back a semblance of the old Allen back, if not all of him? Allen might be too broken for Kanda to repair back… Should he decide that he only had feelings for Moyashi, it was only right that he didn't pursue the younger male. For should he feel that those feelings were just a phase or something, it wouldn't be fair to Moyashi to raise his hopes up and let him down in the end. Right now, he only knew a small extent of the damage that had been done to Moyashi but after his talk with Lavi, he needed to make his decision and fast. There was no way Lavi was leaving him with the situation as precarious as it is.

That was when he suddenly felt something gnawing on the strands of his ponytail… Wait, what? Kanda quickly pulled it over his shoulder, only to find Tim gnawing at it fiercely. The small yellow golem was determined to saw off a part of the swordsman's hair in revenge for hurting its young Master. Kanda gave the golem a scowl before grabbing the yellow golem tightly in his fist before he slowly snarled, "I'm not going to hurt the damn Moyashi ever again, got that?"

He narrowed his eyes at the golem for good measure before Tim finally relented and nodded its head, still inside Kanda's fist. Somehow, there was a certain manner in which Kanda had said it that had made Tim believe, even though the swordsman was still as rude as ever. Kanda released the golem.

"Show me what happened to him!" Kanda commanded. He was in no mood for niceties and the golem had just banished the last of his patience when it had bitten his long hair. Tim obliged by showing footages of Allen during the nine months Allen was gone… There were many pitiful and heart-tugging scenes of Allen weeping softly after he purged out all his meals before a stony-face Allen came forward from the naïve boy. He wept no more, but he seemed to die slowly with each time he purged. There were so many scenes of the boy training and working out non-stop, never stopping even when all the others had long tired and left. Kanda noticed that there were a few times where there were long pauses between the footages, meaning they were the times when Tim had gone back to the Order. Suddenly, the footages started to change…

This was the time after the rape!

The first scene…was of Allen crawling out of the edge of a forest, bloodied and battered. The silver eyes were now a dull grey, the color as it was now. A light of recognition flickered in the eyes as the golem apparently came in sight of the younger but it slowly died down like embers of a fire. His walk was shuffled as Allen moved towards a small stream nearby to wash up. The movements were robotic as if there was no life… It was as if only a shell existed, with no soul. Kanda was reminded once again of Allen's words the night before_. "I am an empty shell. Even God has forsaken me, happy? Are you happy now?"_ Kanda winced at the words and told Tim to forward the footage, not wanting to continue seeing an Allen that was no more. The Japanese saw how the younger struggled to survive… The endless nightmares during the nights that made him wake up screaming to the point that the white-haired slept no more. In those times, blades of silver would come out and Allen would slash himself. The white-haired would watch the blood flow with no expression his face. He would just continue on with his training, never sleeping until he fainted from exhaustion.

His body would then get the minimal amount of sleep needed before he woke up with a start again. The cycle continued on… Allen was now a robot, doing a daily routine and nothing else. He had no more concern for his life and seemed to seek death. The blades would appear more often and it seemed when Tim had taken the blades away, Allen had thrown a huge fit that had left every piece of furniture in the room he was in destroyed beyond recognition. Tim had then relented, the golem projecting these scenes got a glare from Kanda at this. It seemed as if Allen got on with his life, never seeing and never feeling. The albino soon started training non-stop and began his work as General once again, never stopping for a rest. Kanda knew then that Allen had cut himself off from reality and that painful experience was now locked deep inside the mind. Allen had often done this when people taunted him on their partnered missions… The scenes continued and Kanda found himself in the footage, during the time where he'd found Allen.

The older teen saw how after the first few times where Kanda had fed Allen himself, Allen ate no more after that. He would throw away the bowl of liquid or he would throw everything up when no one was looking. Anger stirred in Kanda's heart at this before the scenes changed to the welcome when Allen came back after his abrupt departure.

The Japanese's heart softened as he saw how frightened Moyashi was. Kanda _**knew**_ his Moyashi still existed somewhere in that thick shell and grew more determined to bring him back to face his fears. The footage that Tim provided proved that… He just had to be patient enough to find it. Then, at the night when Allen had returned, Lavi came into the footage next. Suddenly, Lavi's quiet voice was heard next to him. Kanda barely suppressed a flinch. When did Lavi get next to him?

"Enough, Tim. I'll tell that to Yuu myself."

Lavi looked straight at Tim, ignoring the pointed glare from Kanda. "Look after Moyashi-chan for a while, will you? I'll talk to Yuu outside for a while. Come find us if he wakes," Tim nodded its yellow head as Lavi grabbed Kanda's hand and steered him out of the room. Kanda gently shut the door close before turning around to Lavi and said one word coldly.

"Explain."

Lavi took a deep breath before he told Kanda what had happened when the footage was stopped abruptly. The regret was unmistakable in his voice as the story flowed out of him, making Kanda see red. "Why the fuck did you have to do that, Baka Usagi! You couldn't see that he suffered enough! You just had to add on his suffering? What the fuck were you thinking, you Baka!" Kanda ranted on and on in a fierce whisper as Lavi cowered in fear at the venom in Kanda's tone. Kanda was beyond mad now! He was fucking furious! Did Lavi not realize that he'd just increased the damage in Moyashi? What Moyashi had needed the most at that time was support from his loved ones and Lavi had basically just turned him away with a kick in the ass! Even Kanda knew that Allen always did something for some selfless reason. He always did things for others, before himself no matter if it would cause him pain. "What do you have to say for yourself, you bloody idiot!" Kanda snarled in anger at a whimpering Lavi before him.

"I'm sorry, Yuu. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be that way. I didn't think he'd take it that way! I didn't even know Tim was recording that! I wasn't even thinking rationally at that time…" Kanda snorted at that but nodded his head, signaling Lavi to continue.

"I was so angry at that time. My head felt so confused… A part of me was freaking furious that someone actually **dared** to mess with Allen but the other part was upset _with _him for not telling any of us! I would've thought that he would trust us enough to tell us or come home to us when it happened… He kept it to himself for what? 2 months? I was so upset that I forgot to think about what he was feeling. The fact that he told me first should've already told me that he did trust me…" Lavi whispered as he slid down the wall in resignation.

"You Baka… Even I know he always does these things for a fucking reason, and I'm the bastard! You were all he had…and you pushed him away just like that?" Kanda scowled at him.

"I know… I know… I was wrong, I'm sorry! Don't you think I don't regret it? I've been finding him every day and night after that, trying to apologize to him. Each time I found him, he'd always slip away and run off! I never had the chance to explain to him fully what I meant… I ran away from you because I didn't want to tell you any of this until I atleast resolved it. I just… I just didn't know what to do at that time…" Lavi sobbed. The exhaustion and shock at seeing one of his closest friends at the brink of death in front of his eyes had worn him off. Kanda looked down at Lavi and sighed. He sat down next to Lavi, before awkwardly patting his shoulder in silent comfort.

"Tch, I need you to tell me what's going on. I… I know you won't intentionally hurt him so I'm not going to say anything else about that," Kanda mentally winced at the sound of the emotional sap that just came out of him before he steeled himself to ask questions that desperately needed to be answered.

"Why the fuck is Moyashi so damn bloody light? And don't tell me you don't know because I know you do!"

Lavi looked horrified. His face turned pale as he answered, "How did you know?"

"Baka Usagi, I'm neither deaf nor am I blind. I can see you looking at him from across the table during mealtimes when you stare at him eating and you follow him within five minutes of him leaving. Why the hell is he cutting and throwing up in the toilet?" Kanda answered.

"After the rape, he got traumatized but he never allowed himself to cry. You saw from Tim's recordings how he got nightmares every night until he stopped sleeping because he kept waking up screaming from the memories. Moyashi-chan took to cutting to relieve the emotional distress pent up in him. For the past few nights, I've been keeping an eye on him and trying to apologize for what I did at the same time. Usually, I've been able to find him in all his usual hiding places but what got me really worried was what happened this afternoon. When I found him in on of the places, he stayed for a few minutes instead of just rushing off per usual! He was talking about how the world was better off without him and all those suicidal crap. Yuu, I was so scared! No matter how bad the situation got, Allen never resorted to drastic measures! I was so scared he was going to bleed to death somewhere when I thought of you… I figured you'd help me. I got so panicked… You know how he is right now! He's mentally unstable! He was going on and on about ending everything!" Lavi said hysterically.

Attempting to calm down, Lavi took deep breaths before he asked Kanda, "Do you really want to know about the throwing up?"

Kanda raised an eyebrow in reply as if the question was idiotic, which it was… Lavi kept silent for a few moments, unsure how to raise the issue with the Japanese. Finally, he decided on being direct. The redhead knew that Kanda wouldn't take too kindly at another wild goose-chase. He softly answered," He's got an eating disorder…"

Kanda looked at him, perplexed. "All those throwing ups were part of an eating disorder? How does he even have one? He eats normally to me…"

"Yuu… You saw it yourself. He throws everything up after he's eaten them. He's gotten so good at hiding it and that's why none of you saw it! He throws everything up within thirty minutes of eating and if my calculations are correct from the footage we just saw from Tim, Allen's been doing it since he was appointed General and we don't even know if he's been doing this longer than that!"

"But how did it fucking start?" Kanda asked again impatiently.

"You started it, Yuu…" Lavi countered in a barely there voice.

"Excuse me?" Kanda ground out slowly. His eyes narrowed menacingly at Lavi, giving an impression of an irritated devil. Indeed, if the situation weren't so horrendous, Lavi would've laughed out that Kanda almost had two horns and a tail coming out him. Lavi sighed slowly. This was going to be hard… "You started the eating disorder… After you called him useless and all that stuff you said to him during your fight. I guess he must have believed your words enough to have triggered back the eating disorder."

Kanda sat froze, in shock. "No, it can't be…" he said hoarsely.

"It's true… During the time he told me about the rape, I saw him throwing up and asked him. He just hung his head real low, guiltily. I'm not sure if you knew he had an eating disorder when he was with Cross but he got normal again after that. He must have really thought you meant it. From what I've pieced together, he must have really loved you to believe what you said at that time. I guess he really thought he was useless and a waste of space. Maybe, that's what happened but we'll never know the real truth until he opens up himself," Lavi said quietly.

The two friends sat next to each other side by side, against a stonewall. Both were filled pain and regret as they thought of the unconscious younger that lay inside. The pain and misery that the albino must have felt and how he had suffered all alone. Because he didn't want to bother anyone with his suffering. Because he thought he wasn't worth the trouble.

"I knew about his eating disorder… He told me once after one of our missions together. He opened up to me and I did that to him," Kanda said as he looked up from his despair. He looked straight at Lavi with unfathomable pain in his eyes. "That's why it was a huge blow to him when I told him that he ate too fucking much. I knew, yet I still did it… He… He believed me so much that he stopped eating. He started training non-stop. After the rape, everything just got worse! He started cutting on top of all those things…" Kanda laid his head in his hands from the emotions running rampage in his mind and heart. Fuck! Could he ever repair the damage done? Did he stand another chance? His head jerked back up at Lavi's following sentence.

"Allen's lost hope. To him, he's lost everything at this point."

Kanda hissed angrily at the resignation in Lavi's voice, " He still has you, Baka Usagi. You just have to convince him hard enough,"

Sadly, Lavi replied. "I've tried convincing him that but his spirit itself is broken… He's shut himself off, heart and mind. He's put so many shields up and I can't bring him back, no matter how hard I try! But I think, you might be able to,"

Kanda looked at him incredulously, "You just said I started this whole bloody mess!"

With that, Lavi looked straight at Kanda. Now was his turn to help his little brother and fix his mistake. The redhead looked determinedly at his best friend and asked him straight off, "Look, right now I want to know how _YOU_ feel about him. It's not going to work if you just feel a little something for him. I'm not letting you near him only for you to decide that you changed your feelings! So I need you to decide, now."

At that moment, Kanda had no doubt what his decision would be. There was no other person he could think of that could capture his heart like his Moyashi. Did he even want anyone else? Why would he when Allen was the epitome of perfection himself? Would he ever get tired of the mysterious and elusive white-haired? His answer…no fucking way in hell would his feelings change! And Kanda told Lavi exactly that. Lavi's eye brightened up with happiness and his chirpiness came back with a vengeance. He started jumping up and down until Kanda grabbed him with a growl. "You better not tell anyone I said that," Lavi nodded his head furiously. He still treasured his life, and he really wanted to see this fairytale romance unfolding before his eyes. Kanda rolled his eyes and let the Bookman Apprentice go.

"I have to go now… Ne Yuu, will you stay with Allen till he wakes up? I don't want him to wake up alone and try to do _that_ again. Panda doesn't know I've been out and he set some important work for me to do. I'm supposed to finish by sunrise and now's already 4.30am… Do you mind?" Lavi started to give Kanda the puppy dog eyes that looked quite wrong, considering Lavi only had one eye. Kanda felt a bit disturbed but nodded as he sighed in annoyance. Lavi sprang up and was about to rush off when Kanda called him back.

"Have you taken all the fucking blades out of his room? And take my coat and boots! You bloody dragged me out of my room only in my pants, you Baka!" Kanda demanded.

Lavi just shouted the affirmative that he'd taken all the blades before he rushed off with a loud laugh. Kanda was left scowling as he went inside the room to see the unconscious younger. The cold, frigid eyes softened as he observed the soft heaving of the whitehead's chest. _Allen was still alive… His Moyashi was still alive!_

He forgot about the little yellow golem and sat down on the edge of the bed, just absorbing the fact that Allen was alive. The paper in the pocket of his pants rustled and he suddenly remembered the paper from the toilet floor. Kanda began reading the paper and his eyes widened with each passing sentence. Unexplainable sorrow and regret filled him as the sentences whirled around him. Kanda could not even begin to explain the thoughts that were rampaging through his mind at that point. It was like his brain was disconnected from his body! The cry for help was clear and it was tugging at his heart at the misery that accompanied the sentences. Kanda said nothing about his name being mentioned in the letter. The Japanese knew he deserved it and he wasn't going to begrudge Moyashi that. Hands shakily put the piece of paper down as two twin tears rolled down the dark orbs. His chest was tightened painfully as he looked at him broken angel. His Moyashi, was going to be sixteen in a few weeks, and had already suffered so much. He gently swooped down and cradled the boy in his arms, reveling in the aura of protectiveness that filled his heart as he stared down at the boy. Kanda could hardly resist the urge and was soon petting the white hair. He began stroking the soft head when Allen whimpered and leaned towards his touch as the albino burrowed his face in his chest for comfort.

Kanda laid a soft kiss to the fair forehead as he whispered in Japanese, _"I love you, bean sprout. I'll never let you go again."_ And the older hugged the albino to him tightly before he tucked in the younger again, away from his body. Kanda shushed the boy gently when whimpers started to come forward again as Kanda extracted himself slowly from the boy. He sat himself down on the floor beside the bed; within reach of the younger and stroked the younger to sleep once again until no more whimpers were heard.

A rare smile on his face, Kanda settled down to meditate. Once in a while, he would check the white-haired before resuming his meditation, with Mugen beside him, unaware that two individuals were recording his actions. A golem and a Bookman in the making. Lavi's eye was shining with radiance and happiness as he placed the coat and boots near a wall inside the room before the door softly swung shut as soft morning rays began crawling its way out to the sky.

**Hi, I'm not sure how many people would actually bother reading this but I'll just say it (: Erm, could I ask you guys for a favor? It's not much really… I would just really appreciate it if you guys could review my chapters after you have finished reading them and if you have the time.**

**Basically, I'm a perfectionist and I'm sure that all authors agree with me when I say we take a lot of pride in our work. I try my best to give you the best chapter I have written and it's really discouraging when I receive very little feedback. So does that mean you guys don't like my writing? Is it bad? Should I just stop writing this story? Sometimes I do so many rewrites that I really feel like giving up.**

**If you don't like it, please give me constructive criticism so that I can improve and for those who like it, please do continue to give support to authors other than me for their hard work (:**


	9. I Will Follow You Into The Dark

**Disclaimer: I own Man. Kanda and Allen are real and I'm dating Lavi. Believe me? Duh! Of course I don't own… You just answered your own question!**

**This was beta-ed my The Nameless Soul. Thanks hun!**

**I'm going to make this short. I would like to thank all of you who reviewed and gave me so much encouragement on the last chapter. I realize that I have spelling mistakes there so I'll be taking it down to put it a better spelled one up. By the way, I'm giving a present to all readers. I released a one-shot with this so knock yourself out reading, people! (: **

**This is an important shift in the story so it took quite some time to get this right. Bear in mind that even though Kanda has already accepted his love for Allen, he is still quite new to these sorts of feelings. As usual, comments and constructive criticism are welcome!**

~Edinx: Thank you very much for the compliment. (: And thank you so much for taking the time to review, it's really appreciated and means a lot to me! Your rock too!

Azrak: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself while reading this story. I was actually quite surprised at first to find people liking it. Although I am sorry it made you weep, I really appreciate that even though you don't like this type of stories, you actually read mine. Hope you'll continue reading it (:

Juraimy: Thank you. I'm sorry about last night and you really should know that you're one of my closest friends and I care about you a lot. Thanks for supporting me even though you don't really enjoy yaoi. You're a great friend

Moyashi: Haha thank you for the compliments. Though I'm not sure about the talent nor the brilliant writer part hehe. I'm really happy that the readers can feel the emotions I've weaved into the story because that shows a connection. The story writes itself as I type it out. Thank you for taking the time to comment, yeah? Hope you continue on reading!

Lellitoe: Maaf ya. Tetapi saya tidak mempunyai Friendster jadi saya rasa awak add salah orang. Saya amat bahagia bahawa awak dapat memeberi saya komen bagi cerita ini. Terima kasih atas komen-komen itu, ya? Harap awak akan terus membaca cerita ini!

Yama-Siegel: Thank you so much for loving this story!!! XD Although I am sorry for making people weep, I am very touched by your review. Though there are and will be better stories than mine, I appreciate your thought that it is perfect! There are still many thing I need to improve on and I thank you if you could guide me along.

Lucy: No, I won't give it up. Don't worry. The most is I'll just scrap the entire story and start over. But I think a lot of people will be upset with me if I did that haha. Thank you for your time in reviewing!

**Happy reading!**

_As the sun started to rise, the young samurai stood up and gazed down at the unconscious figure on the bed. His eyes, a dark blue, stared at the figure with an unreadable expression on his face, his posture tense. Expressions flitted through at a fast-moving speed before finally settling for indifference. His midnight colored hair, in a long ponytail, swayed gently from side to side from a gentle breeze by the window. The figure started to stir, waking up from unconsciousness. The young samurai backed away slowly, giving one last glance to the figure before melting into the dark shadows of the room…_

Allen woke up with a groan. He opened his eyes and saw that he was once again back in his room, only this time it was much darker. Sunlight that had managed to escape into his room slipped through the cracks and landed on his face, making him squint. His head felt woozy and the room kept spinning. The albino closed his eyes and waited for the spinning to stop. As Allen opened his eyes for the second time, he thought aloud. "Damn you, Lavi. You just couldn't let me die in peace, could you? God, why don't you take my life already! Don't you think I've suffered enough?"

He looked at his wrists. Lavi had bandaged and taped it up quite nicely last night considering the depth of the cuts he had made. Slowly, he lifted his left hand up and hesitantly removed the bandages, unraveling it. The white-haired winced a bit from the sting of the cuts but continued on. The cuts he'd made were still bleeding quite a bit but Lavi had put some medicine on it to make it heal faster. Lavi had also removed his clothes and had only left him in his pants. Allen cursed Lavi again before he turned to Timcanpy who had been fluttering around him anxiously since he'd woken up. He grabbed Tim with his right hand, wincing from the pain and turned the golem to face him. "Open up, Tim. I need one right now and Lavi's probably taken every blade he could find last night,"

Tim reluctantly opened up, though it did try to escape to no success. His mouth revealed a small bundle of paper cutters and penknives. Allen selected one from the bundle and carefully pulled it out. Waving Tim away, he put the knife to his wrist. Before it could even pierce the skin, a voice came from the shadows of his room.

"Don't even think about it, Moyashi. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself again. Stop it, just stop it!"

Allen jumped and looked up in fright. He started to back away on the bed, curling up in a fetal position. His mind was paralyzed with fear and he started to shake uncontrollably. Whose voice was that? Had Tyki come again for him?

Kanda stepped out of the shadows. He stopped when he saw how Moyashi was curled up. His eyes widened as he saw the fear clearly visible on the younger boy's face. The boy was shaking so much and his face was almost as pale as the bed sheets around him. Fists were clenched tight as the younger wrapped his arms around in an effort to protect himself. Kanda's hands twitched as if to hug the younger and his feet almost moved forward when Kanda stopped himself. What was he doing? He was about to say something when Moyashi finally noticed him. Allen narrowed his eyes in cold fury. "Oh great. It's you now. What do you want now? Do you people and God have some kind of agreement to make my life a living hell?"

"Tch. You're being ridiculous, Moyashi,"

"Me ridiculous?" Allen slowly unfurled himself as soon as he realized that Kanda was alone and started to raise his voice in anger. "No, the world is! When I wanted to live, you people ruined it. Now when I want to die, you people ruined it again! What else do you people want! Just leave me alone to die already!"

"What the hell are you here for?" Allen asked suspiciously as Kanda just stared at him dumfounded.

Kanda sighed in annoyance. He could see what Lavi meant. Allen had lost trust in everything and it was going to take a lot of work to get him back to the way he was, if even possible. "Lavi told me to keep an eye on you. He banged on my door yesterday to help him search for you and I carried you back to your room,"

Allen's lower lip started to slowly tremble. He drew his knees to his chest, penknife and bandage forgotten beside him. He hugged his arms around him as the mounting pain in him finally made his appearance. The pain took his breath away as the hole in his chest started to throb painfully again. He started to whisper," What the hell… Why is this happening? Why are you doing this to me, Kanda? Don't you think you've caused enough damage already? You already destroyed my faith in the world, what more do you want? You made me a fool. God's forsaken me. So isn't your job done? Just behead me with Mugen and end my misery already. I'm better off dead, I know that already. My presence sickens people and the world is better off without me. I give up already. Just let me die already!" Allen screamed. He broke into hysterics and started crying. He was at his breaking point already. He had kept everything in for too long already and son, his walls crumbled to dust as he wept piteously.

"Hey, hey Moyashi! Calm down!" Kanda was now frantic. He had never comforted anyone before; he never had any need to! The Japanese tried to touch the younger's shoulder but Allen started freaking out. This wasn't exactly his strongest point but at least he was trying!

"Don't touch me!" Allen screamed in fear and tried to back away even further.

Crystal tears were still spilling down from the silver orbs as fear claimed every rational thought in his head. Allen started to slowly hyperventilate as memories of his time held captive with Tyki started to resurface. Balling up his fists, Allen curled himself again into a fetal position. The younger's position showed the child in him as Allen's inner instinct came out and tried to protect him from being harmed. Kanda's heart could not help but to throb painfully as he saw what had happened to the strong Moyashi that he used to be before him. The white-haired that curled up before him was utterly broken and helpless… Still shaking violently, whimpers could still be heard from the chalky pale-white face. Eyes were firmly closed shut but tears still leaked out from the sides, making two twin rivers down the gaunt cheeks. The young General's feelings were in turmoil but only one thought ran rampage through his mind… _Protect yourself. _He had lost everything so why was he still fighting? The confusing thoughts ran amok in his head as a small part of him wondered. Why was he bothering to fight? Wouldn't it be better if someone just killed him and let him die? Allen forgot that Kanda was in front of him as his mind pondered when his eyes opened with a yelp.

Using some long hidden instinct deep within him, Kanda reached out the boy before him. He ignored all the yelps and whimpers that followed. He ignored the struggle that Moyashi had put up and after a moment of hesitation, the Japanese cradled the boy to his chest awkwardly as he had done the night before when the younger was still unconscious. Only this time, Kanda gripped his hands tighter around the boy as Allen struggled his hardest. The younger was using the last of his strength to escape Kanda as he struggled ferociously before finally realizing the Japanese wasn't letting him go. Allen started to scream and yell in fury and desperation. Kanda heaved a sigh as Allen then turned to rain kicks and punches on him. All the while, he was screaming and yelling for Kanda to let him go, that he was worth nothing and it was no use. Kanda's heart could not help but clench in pain as he heard Allen berating himself on how useless he was and that he was not worth saving.

Before long, Allen no longer struggled. Heart-wrenching sobs filled the room as Allen finally gave in and cried his heart out in rivers of tears that gushed down his face. Tears that cried out the shame, the bitterness and the pain within him as Allen still remained in Kanda's arms. Kanda's body was as stiff as a board as he held the sobbing boy in his arms. Right now, he was feeling as uncomfortable as hell but he did understand. The boy needed to cry and cry, he did…

Not once did Kanda relax his posture and not once did Allen stop. They stayed like that for a long time as Allen still clung to Kanda. As time started to slowly pass even further, his sobs began to quietened and slowly turned to sniffles before stopping all together. Allen's shaking was almost gone and in its place, were slight trembling. Kanda could feel that Allen was exhausted from the long time he'd been crying and his strong grip on Kanda was loosening. Kanda looked down to find Allen was blinking blearily from the sudden exhaustion. The white-haired was trying his best to keep himself from letting his eyelids close in fear of the nightmares. But his body had lost too much blood yesterday and was still healing. He'd cried himself raw just now; his body desperately needed the sleep. Kanda began to figure out the dilemma the younger was facing when his eyes would close and Allen would wake up with a jerk and shake his head repeatedly, trying to clear away the drowsiness from his mind. Kanda gave an annoyed snort and pushed the boy away from him and onto the bed, none too gently. Allen gave a startled yelp and looked at Kanda with wide and fearful eyes. "Sleep," Kanda ordered.

Allen gave a jerky shake of his head. He didn't want to be alone at this moment. He knew that Kanda probably hated him right now but he just couldn't find it in himself to care. He couldn't help it. Even after all that had been inflicted on him, there was still a small part of him that still loved Kanda and yearned for him. Allen looked at Kanda beseechingly, hoping that he could pass on the message without saying anything. Kanda mentally rolled his eyes but sat down at the edge of the bed and scowled, "Tch just go to sleep. I'm here now, aren't I? I'm not going anywhere." Allen looked at Kanda for any sign of refuting what he just said before he nodded and reluctantly slid down beneath the covers. Kanda's eyes softened as he reached out to brush the younger's cheek before his eyes widened in horror at what he had done and cursed his accidental moment of tenderness. What was he doing? He quickly made to move as if to make the accidental brush was to pull the covers to the younger's chest before settling himself beside Allen. Kanda could not understand these sudden moments of tenderness that he had been feeling with Allen and heaved an exasperated sigh. Great, more things to deal with! As if he didn't have fucking enough on his mind as it was. Kanda turned to face Allen, only to find that the younger had drifted off to sleep the moment his head had hit the pillow…

_(4 hours later)_

Allen woke up, startled. Someone had pinned up a cloth to the window, making the room shady and cool from the sun's harsh rays. It was in the afternoon… The door opened. Allen whipped his head towards the direction of the door, only to find Kanda holding a tray of food. Kanda did not meet his eyes but settled the tray in front of him with a clear indication for him to start eating. Kanda stood in front of him, waiting. Allen stared at the food and gulped. Slowly, he picked up the fork and shakily moved to poke some food on it before putting in his mouth. Chewing it slowly, the younger made his way through the meal as his stomach churned at the sudden appearance of food before his normal urges came back. His eyes wide open; Allen closed his mouth and pushed Kanda to the side before rushing out of the room into the toilet beside. Heaving, the white-haired ignored Kanda's shouts and emptied the contents of his stomach down the toilet bowl. He couldn't stop… He really was worthless… Berating himself mentally, Allen almost jumped when he felt a cool, rough hand push his hair away from his forehead and laid the hand on the burning skin. The hair that he had kept long was swept to the sight and away from the prickly and sweaty back as Kanda gently rubbed it. Allen had no time to stop think about the new development when another bout of retching came. All Allen could do was cry from the pain of the retching as the vomiting went on and on…

Soon, there was nothing left for him to vomit out. Allen rested his head against the toilet bowl in exhaustion and misery when Kanda finally released his head and hair. Allen almost whimpered from the loss of comfort when Kanda moved away to get a wet towel and a cup of water. Allen was now very confused and ashamed. He'd shown Kanda his weakness. Kanda hated weakness. Thus Kanda hated him, since he was the epitome of weakness itself.

Kanda said nothing as he gently wiped Allen's face with the wet towel before handing him the cup of water. Allen did not feel like arguing or being ungrateful since he could hardly move so he accepted Kanda's help with a heavy heart and gargled his mouth. Allen quickly handed the cup back to Kanda as he struggled to stand up.

"Why Kanda… Why are you pretending to care? I thought you said that I was useless and a pathetic excuse for an Exorcist, that I'm just a loser with a hero complex. Why are you here? Why didn't you let me die?" Allen asked harshly. He needed answers, now…

Kanda winced at the harshness that accompanied the words uttered. He made no move to help Allen, knowing that Allen would just refuse his help. No matter what, the young General was still fiercely independent as could be seen when they had made trip home from where he'd first found Allen. This was not the time to worry about what he was facing. It was about the boy in front of him… "Moyashi… Don't say it like that. I didn't mean those words. I didn't think when I said them…"

Allen cut in, "Yes Kanda, you didn't think. Did you think for once how I felt? I took an attack for you that landed me in a two-week coma. I could barely breathe when I woke! Did you think of the pain I went through? It was a direct Akuma attack, Kanda! Who the hell actually survives that sort of thing? The first thing you did when I woke up was to mock me. But that wasn't enough. You went even further… You just had to make fun of my past. You made it as if I was to blame for Mana's death, which I was! What did you tell me at that time during the mission? _He would've been proud._ What did I do to you, Kanda? Did I ever do anything wrong to you? What Kanda, what? What did I do? Tell me what did I do to deserve that? Tell me!" Allen screamed as he latched to Kanda's coat, anger filling his eyes. He had spent 9 months away from home filled with the pain and shame… He had been raped and had lost his innocence… What more could he lose?

"I'm sorry… Allen… I'm sorry… I can't change what happened no matter how I might wish it! I'm sorry…" Kanda whispered. He knew he was acting out of his usual character. But during the time that Moyashi had been asleep, he had done lots of thinking. His former partner was just 15. What the kid had gone through could've made most people break down very soon and give up entirely. Yet, he had tried to live and move on with life. Even though a lot of wrong habits were picked along the way; which was only because he didn't know how to deal with the emotional pain that he felt, he had managed to survive. Allen had gone through so much at a young age… Compared to his past, the pain that he had felt paled compared to the pain Allen had gone through. How could he be cruel to the kid? Like he had told Lavi, he was a cold-hearted bastard but he wasn't inhumane. He had come to accept his feelings for the younger. He was going to try his best to bring the younger back. His character could not change and he was still a bastard at heart, but just maybe he could find it in his heart to be gentler to the boy. If the younger could love him at his worst, then maybe this might just work.

Allen smiled bitterly and answered, "Good to know, Kanda… Too bad, you're just too late; it's just too late. I am nothing; I haven't anything left. Even God has abandoned me. Tyki Mikk was right. I'm only a tool to be used for the pleasure of others. I deserved every bit…"

Allen released Kanda and began to move hesitantly towards the door. His legs felt like jelly at the moment. All of a sudden, the floor shifted and he fell…. Allen gasped and shut his eyes tightly, preparing his body for the impact only to be caught quite heavily by two familiar arms. Allen slowly opened his eyes to find Kanda holding him with an uncomfortable expression on his face. Too weak to move after the visit to the toilet, he could only give weak protests as Kanda swept him up in a bridal position and carried him back to the bed. The swordsman gently released the British in a sitting position before clearing up the tray of food. As he made to move away, Allen caught the sleeve of his coat. Kanda turned.

Deep grayish- silver eyes made the protest die halfway but a deep frown remained on the Japanese's face. Allen studied the samurai's face before indicating that the samurai should sit next to him. Kanda sat down gingerly at the edge, unsure what was going to happen. A number of situations were running through his mind and none of them were exactly the most pleasant. Allen looked at Kanda straight in the eye and but said nothing. His eyes said it for him. The eyes asked the unasked question, "Why?" Kanda looked straight ahead as he tried to explain his actions that had cost the younger dearly. "I didn't mean for you to take it to heart when I said it," he started roughly. Fuck, this was uncomfortable! He tried starting again. "Remember that I said that to hope for something that's not likely to happen would make me bitter? And that reality can be your worst enemy sometimes and I had no inclination of dying with regrets?" The Japanese waited for the younger to nod before continuing.

"You don't know how lucky you are, Moyashi. Though your parents left you to die, Mana had picked you up. He loved you with all his heart. I've known from the stories you've told me. You were everything to him, as he was to you. Oh yes, I had been listening when you told me," Kanda snorted when Allen raised an eyebrow in question.

"I wasn't lying when I told you that your father would've been proud of you. You… were much stronger than I had been when I was your age. Someone actually cared and loved you. I built up those defenses for a reason, Moyashi. I cannot remember anything of my past, unlike you. The only thing I could remember of my past before coming to the Order was drowning in a deep pool, my name and my birthday. I was struggling to survive and until now I have no idea how I did survive. I almost died that day… Somehow that old man found me wandering around with only a sword and the clothes on my back. He brought me to the Order. At that time, I was five. You should know by now life in the Order is never easy. No matter what age you begin, your life will be harder and more so if you were just a child. I began hoping that maybe a member of my family would come and take me home. Never mind that the higher ups wouldn't let me… I began to hope, day after day creating all sorts of images in my head of this make-believe family of mine. I dreamt that I had parents who loved me and maybe a sibling or two. They became quite real in my head and soon I began to believe my dreams. And then one day, the old man took me to one of the villages in Japan to be taught under a famous samurai for my training with Mugen. Everything was fine and we spent each day like that, training in the morning and afternoon while sleeping at a nearby inn at night. Until one day someone recognized me…"

This was the hard part… Kanda's voice turned bitter as he remembered his past. "That someone came up to me and that fucking old man. He called out my name. Apparently, he knew my parents… I was excited and jumping for joy inside though by then, I had learnt to close off my emotions. And there he told me the real truth of my past. On that day, I grew up and realized there was no such thing as hope. I was born a jinx to my family. Apparently, I was born with a curse on me and from the moment I was born, my entire village was doomed. Robbers came and went after leaving destruction their wake, droughts were long and hard and people grew poorer by the day. My family was shunned and my parents hated me but could not bear to kill their own son. My older brother did not want anything to do with me. And then, my father lost his job at a very prominent lord's house and things worsened. His job was the only thing that was keeping my family afloat and it was our only source of income. My family truly had nothing left since the lord owned even the house we lived in. That night when my father finally turned insane... The person told me that my own father was the one who tried to drown me in a pool of water! Somehow, he thought that I was dead and returned home to sleep. That night, the entire village burned down except for this one person. I was a curse, a jinx to my own family. I _killed _my entire family. All those dreams turned to ashes that day. At that point in time, all my hopes and dreams were turned to ashes. Reality came knocking at my door telling me that it was my worst enemy…" Kanda ended in a whisper as his eyes glazed up as he went back several years to that fateful day.

"From that day onwards, I didn't even think of hope until you came barging in. You taught me hope. And then, the mission happened… For the first time in my life, I was scared for another. I was scared that you'd die. You were so full of hope that it hurt to see if you would die then. You were unconscious for a long time and I was sent on continuous missions. When I got the news that you were awake, I had been in a bad mood and went to find you with the intention of just riling you up and teasing you. But when I saw you, surrounded by that Usagi and Lenalee, laughing… I saw red. I felt jealous of you for being loved by so many people. Yet, I felt a little unhappy because I thought that you wouldn't want me to be your partner anymore. I was also relieved and happy to see you out of the Infirmary. I was angry with you for making me feel something for the first time in my life. I lost control…" Kanda wisely stopped there, knowing that Allen would just drift away further if he talked about Allen's confession. Once again, he avoided staring at the boy and began wondering why the hell had he told the Moyashi his past?

Allen looked at Kanda in shock. That was Kanda's past? The compassionate being in him made him want to sympathize with the swordsman but something held him back. He had been deceived by too many people. Was this a trick too? What if Kanda was lying? Allen narrowed his eyes. "How do I know that you're not lying to me? How do I know that you're telling the truth and not trying to gain sympathy? You could be telling me a lie for all I know!" Allen countered. Kanda's face turned sharply towards him with a furious expression on his face. How dare Moyashi belittle him by think he was lying and that he'd told a lie? Kanda might be a lot of things but he certainly _wasn't _a liar! He was about to give a scathing retort in reply when someone else answered for him.

Lavi answered from the position at his door, startling the two on the bed. "Yuu-chan isn't lying, Allen. Why would he lie about a big thing such as his past? You know that Kanda never lies. And, I was there with him when they were in Japan. I heard everything that the man had said…"

Allen turned his head to look at Lavi with suspicion in his eyes. Lavi was after all, Kanda's best friend. Lavi continued, "It's true. The best part was that the man was Yuu-chan's uncle. Tiedoll almost went insane when Yuu here ran off after hearing that. We searched everywhere. We searched the entire night only to find him waiting for us outside the inn in the morning where we were staying in, ready for his morning training. Tiedoll was crying when he embraced Yuu only to find Yuu-chan like how he is now with defenses and walls around him. He put everyone at a distance and started to not care. That day, Kanda Yuu changed forever. I heard every word there and none of what he told you was a lie." Lavi said as he cracked a small weak smile. Kanda said nothing as his eyes glared at the ground. This was the first he had told anyone about his shameful past, a past that he would gladly give all the money in the world to forget. Allen regarded the redhead's words and nodded hesitantly, acknowledging that he had accepted that as the truth. Lavi suddenly kneeled down in front of the British and looked up to the familiar silver eyes as Kanda watched his friend with unreadable eyes. Allen reared back a bit, startled at the sudden movement.

"Allen, I'm sorry for what I did… My intention was never to hurt you," Lavi began to apologize as he stared beseechingly at Allen. Allen turned his head away, unable to look at Lavi. His eyes filled up as he thought of what Lavi had said at that time that had convinced him of his worthlessness.

"I was so angry at that time and I said very hurtful things to you. I was furious that someone actually hurt you but at the same time, I was hurt. Moyashi-chan, you know that we all care for you and love you, right? Why did you hide it away from us? Why did you try to solve everything on your own? I care about you, don't I? Why would I ever hurt my little brother? Lenalee cares, Komui does. Heck, the entire Order does! Why did you believe me? Do we mean so little to you? I searched for you every single night trying to apologize but you would always run off before I could. When you told me you were going to die soon, I completely lost my mind! I dragged Yuu all over the place trying to find you because I felt so guilty and I didn't want you to die because of what my big mouth said! I almost went insane that night…" Lavi kept on, knowing the younger was still listening. This was the only chance he'd get and he _was _going to do this right!

"I'm not asking you to forgive me or Kanda or even forget what we did because that would be unfair of us to you. We're not asking you to accept us so easily either. Both Kanda and I made our mistakes but we're willing to work it out and make it up to you… The three of us have many issues to work out, I know, but would you give us another chance? We're not going to force you Allen. We'll take it step by step at your own pace. We won't hate you if you say no but can we at least give it a shot?" he asked gently. His one eye looked up to Allen sincerely, begging the younger for another chance. This was it, the moment of truth…

Allen looked at Lavi as the tears welled up and trickled down. Could he forgive? Could he forget? Was he willing to? Allen whispered, "He told me that I was a whore, a slut. I was only a tool for people to use and that I was good for nothing except to be used by others and I deserved it. That God had abandoned me and no one cared about me…" As his eyes closed shut and his head dropped into his hands, he heard Lavi softly say, "Oh Allen, we _do _care about you! Everyone in the Order does, trust me! It _wasn't _your fault, Allen." Lavi went up to Allen and hugged him tightly, wanting to comfort the younger.

"You'll be tainted by me! I'm just a worthless person not worth saving and the world is better off without me!" Allen blubbered out through his tears as he made to move away, unable to believe that his friends really cared for him.

Lavi gave Kanda a look to reassure the blubbering boy as he held the boy tighter when Kanda shifted from side to side, unsure on what to do. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Finally Kanda laid a hand in Allen's back and said hesitantly albeit a little roughly, "Baka Moyashi, if you were useless, I'd have left you all alone to die. I won't even be here apologizing to you, won't I?" Kanda awkwardly rubbed the younger's back as Lavi smiled.

"See Allen, even Kanda said so! And you're the first person he's ever apologized to, he never apologizes to me and I'm his best friend." Lavi said lightly as he mock pouted. Both he and Allen heard Kanda distinctly mutter, "That's because you do it on purpose and you fucking deserve it, Baka Usagi…" Allen gave a watery chuckle as he held on tightly to Lavi and whispered, "One more chance…" Lavi's heart filled with joy at the whispered sentence and ruffled the younger's hair, knowing that this was a very big step in Allen's recovery.

Lavi rocked Allen, from side to side comforting the younger as he cried the last of his tears away. Kanda's hand remained rubbing on Allen's back but he stared ahead to the wall, still feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

**A/N: Okay, you guys would probably say that Allen was quite OOC considering what he's been through. But think of it this way, he's lost everything but his character remains the same. He's still a kid too. It's not as if he's going to accept Kanda and Lavi with wide-open arms. How many of you can admit to facing problems and all you wanted was someone to hug you. To tell you it's okay even though it isn't. To just release your burden for a while and let you be a kid again. I know this from my own experience.**

**Oh, I realized that Lavi was quite OOC in my last chapter. I'm sorry about that. I was more thinking of the fact that what if one of your best friends tried to commit suicide because of what you did? Yeah… I guess it was a bit OOC and I'm sorry about that. Thank you Lavi Lane for pointing it out.**


	10. Trust & Friendship

**A/N: As usual, I apologize for the delay. I swear life is such a bitch…**

**My aunt was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer, she's now moved into my house for the course of her treatment of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I've become a caretaker in that sense. Tons of deadlines for projects and reshoots for filming also killed any motivation for me to write. Hip hip hooray. Plus, my 17****th**** birthday just passed last month. Haha. The next day itself, my dad had a mild heart attack and a few days later I had to redo certain assignments. Curse you assignments!! Now, I have officially just finished school so I'm slowly getting back into the habit. I realize that these are excuses but I had no choice.**

**This chapter is dedicated to 4 wonderful people. Firstly, my beta-reader The Nameless Soul aka Ammy for always being there and loving me, plus her constant supply of hugs for me each time I meet her haha.**

**Secondly Erendyce whose also my Alien Mom. ((: For those who don't know, she just moved to Northern France to continue her studies. I'm not sure when she's getting internet anytime soon but I want her to know that LITTLE ALIEN MISSES HER ALIEN MOM ):**

**Third, is Astri. Thank you SO MUCH for the story as my birthday present! Thank you for that and for being there for me. And fourth is the lovely Lellitoe who came on msn to ask me when my next chapter will be out. Thank you for the continuous support ((:**

**PS: I'm not sure if I've replied last chapter's reviews. If I haven't, please do tell me. I umm….forgot hehe .**

**HAPPY READING ALL!**

A week had passed since Kanda and Lavi had apologized to Allen. A week had passed since Allen took a chance and opened his heart again. It was also a week that a Pandora's box was opened and released chaos on the entire Order that left things topsy-turvy and people whispering heatedly... Somehow, the three were still working out their friendship together. It wasn't easy, mind you. From the first day itself, arguments were inevitable, doors were slammed shut in fits of anger and voices were raised to screams. On the first day itself, an obstacle had presented itself to the three in a test for this friendship all wrapped up nicely with a bow for them to untie.

*****

The first obstacle they'd faced was Komui… Lavi had just returned from to the library and was walking the corridor along Komui's office when he'd heard Reever and Komui talking inside, or to be more specific, _arguing_ inside.

Curious, he pressed his ear to the door to eavesdrop on their conversation. This was Lavi, after all. Reever was currently arguing with the Supervisor and from the raising voices, it seemed that Reever was very unhappy about something. The muffled voices were visibly heard as Lavi pressed his ear eagerly to the door. Komui and Reever rarely fought. They had arguments and small outbursts but it was very rare for Reever to lose his temper and patience for his eccentric Supervisor. Reever was one of the _very_ few who could tolerate the laziness, the childishness and the never-ending protectiveness of Lenalee.

Reever was protesting vehemently, "Supervisor, you _cannot _be serious! There's something wrong with the boy! Don't tell me that you're seriously considering putting the boy in the field! Komui, that idea is totally **insane**!"

Lavi was intrigued. Who were they talking about? What was wrong with this person? Why was the person not supposed to be out in the field? Was this person an Exorcist? Why was Reever protecting him? Did he know this person? Why was Reever so opposed against it? Okay… This was ridiculous. His Bookman mind was making him think too much. Plus, he was missing most of the conversation! Lavi shook his head abruptly to clear all the questions that had appeared and pressed his ear to the door again. The door muffled Komui's soft words and it seemed that he was placating his colleague and it just wasn't working. Reever was now screaming intangible words at his Supervisor. Suddenly, Reever stomped towards the door, banging it open. Lavi quickly scuttled behind a pillar and hid behind it, keeping his ears wide open for this mysterious 'boy'. "You'll regret this Supervisor, and I'll make sure to tell you that I told you so when Allen-kun suffers from your mistakes!" Reever said a deathly quiet voice, making chills move up and down Komui and Lavi's spines. The redhead's eye widened in surprise. Allen? What's wrong? Why did Komui want him out in the field? Wasn't it clear that Allen was in no condition to go out in the field? Why was Komui doing this?

Reever stormed out of the room and walked past Lavi's pillar all the while swearing softly at Komui, who was currently standing at the door of his office with his mouth agape as he watched the person that had stood by him for so long, leave… Komui sighed softly. "I'm sorry, Reever. But even I can't do anything until Allen-kun himself tells me what's wrong with him. The higher-ups are already questioning why isn't he out already… I can't do anything," Komui whispered softly as he looked at the retreating figure disappearing at the end of the corridor. At the last sentence, Komui's shoulders slumped in defeat. What was he supposed to do now? With another sigh that spoke volumes, he turned towards his office and closed the door. The corridor became quiet once again…

Lavi sat down with a bump. What? Who? Where? When? Huh? His mind spun in an effort to understand the information that seemed to have dropped in his lap from the sky. As soon as the information had stopped whirring in front of his eyes like pieces of a bloody jigsaw puzzle, the redhead sat up straight. Oh no, Allen! Lavi scrambled up and began running for his life towards Allen's room where he knew that the young General and the samurai were residing within. They _had _to tell Komui before it was too late!

-

_(In Allen's room)_

"_MOYASHI-CHAN!!!!!"_

Lavi came in screaming and brandishing his hammer around the room, not noticing the winces that accompanied his high-pitched scream or the painful expressions on the two occupants' faces. As in true Lavi method, the Bookman Apprentice started babbling and jumping up and down in the direction of the door with whimpers and grunts accompanying the nonsense that he was spouting. Kanda and Allen looked at each other, bewildered. All they had caught was, "Komui… *jump* Uhh… *hop* Reever… *bounce* Ehh… *jump* Fighting… *hop* Ahh… *bounce* Moyashi!"

Both watched the emerald-eyed jump around like a spastic bunny for about 5 minutes before a slightly amused yet annoyed Kanda took Mugen's scabbard and hit the redhead squarely on his forehead, making the redhead fall on the floor with a thump. Lavi blinked confusedly at them before stating the obvious.

"_Ow…"_

Allen looked at Lavi with widening silver eyes as the redhead sat on the floor still, rubbing his head with a bewildered expression on his face and burst out laughing. The young General couldn't help it! Lavi perked up at the peals of laughter from Allen's mouth and started to smile. The white-haired rarely smiled or laughed and it was so rare to see him as now, with tears streaming down his face. He looked at Kanda happily to find the samurai on a nearby chair near the bed where the younger sat, looking pensively at Allen with a small frown at his forehead. Kanda turned around to face Lavi, who was in turn, staring at him. "What?" Kanda ground out as he frowned.

"Nothing," said Lavi.

Kanda sighed. Lavi was never going to reveal anything until he wanted. He might as well ask the idiot bunny what he was blabbing about a few minutes ago. He turned to Lavi again. "What the hell were you blabbing about just now?" Kanda scowled. "You looked and sounded like a spastic rabbit, Baka Usagi. What were you on? Special Usagi drugs?" Allen stopped laughing, only to hear the last sentence and start laughing all over again. Lavi pouted and looked at his little 'brother' but his gaze was transfixed, the complaint dying at his lips.

His laughter was like the chimes of bells in a breeze, crystal tears streaming down from two light mercury eyes. Eyes were lit with deep amusement, making the silver shine with lightness from the tears. His cheeks were rosy from his laughing and Allen was grabbing his sides from stitches. How was it that such a pure innocence such as this was marred when some so tainted still roamed the earth without any retribution? But then… Allen was still 16, just a kid. Lavi blinked his eyes and whispered to Kanda, "I can see why you're in love with him!" Kanda's cheeks tinged with a light pink blush and he scowled angrily at Lavi, hurriedly turning making sure that Allen didn't hear what Lavi had just said. Luckily, the white-haired was still unaware to the matters of Kanda's heart. The samurai swore at Lavi, picking up Mugen and threatened to chop off his tongue and making it into mincemeat. Suddenly, Lavi remembered the matter at hand. The Bookman Apprentice felt a sense of sadness to end the light-hearted moment but it had to be done. "Yuu-chan! No, don't kill me! I've got very important news about Moyashi-chan!"

_That _got both Allen's and Kanda's attention.

"Tch. Why didn't you say so earlier, you Baka! What is it?" Kanda snarled and put away Mugen. Allen blinked and looked at the two older Exorcists. "What is it, Lavi?" Allen asked, cocking his head to the side. Lavi then realized that both occupants hadn't heard a single word of what he had said when he entered the room and sighed before beginning to explain what he had heard all over again. Kanda listened in rapt attention, his face smooth of any expression. Allen's face was paling by each sentence being said and his arms encircled his waist. The younger began trembling when suddenly, a rough hand, from years of sword wielding subconsciously grabbed his arm and held it still from the trembling. Allen stopped trembling at the touch. He sat up straight and looked at Kanda with bewildered eyes as the swordsman continued to listen to his best friend when Kanda felt a pair of eyes boring holes to the side of his face. He snapped his head around and to his horror, found his _hand_ had been holding Allen without him noticing. Kanda had noticed the boy trembling but _when_ did he grab the boy's hand? The pink tinge from before returned to his cheeks from embarrassment as he hurriedly tried to remove his hand only to find that Allen had grabbed his hand with and squeezed it gently to his chest. The young General had now both his hands wrapped around Kanda's wrist holding it at his chest.

Dark blue met silver only to find them meeting him shyly beneath his white fringe and long eyelashes. Kanda stared at Allen uncomprehending, before he slowly turned his attention back to Lavi who was still telling the story while observing the two from the corner of his eye. Allen turned his gaze to sheets around him. The younger couldn't help but to feel slightly disappointed but from what, he did not know. He couldn't help but to wish that Kanda had given him a response in return, any kind as long as it was something. He was about to sigh when he felt the hand in his squeeze him hesitantly albeit roughly. His hands were gripped just a little bit tighter before releasing the firm grip but still remaining in his hands. A small smile drew itself on the younger's face as he glanced at Kanda who still had a blush on his cheeks. Lavi cheered and did a somersault inwardly before finishing up his story.

"So… What do we do now?" Lavi asked, hopping from one foot to the other.

Kanda rolled his eyes in exasperation before jerking Lavi to a standstill with his free hand. "Stop **moving**, Baka Usagi. You're making my head hurt!". Lavi stopped moving and looked at Kanda expectantly. The samurai turned to the younger, "What do you want to do now, Moyashi? Tell that fucking Supervisor or don't tell?"

Allen looked towards his sheets, pondering. What should he do now? He _really _didn't want to tell Komui… It was bad enough that he had to tell Kanda and Lavi but he didn't think he could bear it if the news that Tyki raped him was spread around the Order. It was shameful… He looked up at the two who had started bickering. He took a deep breath. "Umm… Hello?" Both turned their heads at him, stopping their argument in favor of his answer.

"I… Don't want to tell,"

Kanda just nodded in affirmative to his answer but Lavi looked at him with a look akin to horror. "Allen-kun, you can't! You **have **to tell Komui!" Allen frowned. Why was Lavi ordering him around? He already said that he didn't want to tell… Why was Lavi forcing him? "I already said Lavi, I don't _want _to… Why are you forcing me?"

"Moyashi-chan, I'm not forcing you! But I think that you **should **tell Komui! Didn't you hear what I said? He's going to put you back in the field! You're still weak!"

"I am NOT WEAK!"

"Look, listen to me. I'm 2 years older than you. I know better than you. Just go and tell!"

"What is wrong with you, Lavi? I _know_ that I'm younger than you, but it's MY life and MY problems. I said no, it means no!"

"Allen-kun, as much as I love you right now, you are _really _acting like a spoilt kid right now. What's so hard about it? Just go to Komui and TELL!"

"_That's _just the thing, Lavi! It was hard enough to tell you and Kanda and now you want me to tell _Komui_?!? I don't want to broadcast the fact that I was raped, okay? What if the whole Order finds out? What about my pride? You _know _that he's going to have to report to the higher-ups! So what if you're 2 years older! Does that immediately qualify you as knowing more?"

"Moyashi-chan… Look, it's not going to be all that bad alright? We'll just have to tell Komui to keep it from the higher-ups. What's so bad about that? And I didn't mean it like that, and you _know _it! I just want the best for you!"

"LAVI! I meant what I said! It's not that I don't want to tell Komui, but there's going to be a lot of questions about this and you know that secrets can't be kept in the Order. I don't want this to get out of hand…"

Lavi looked at Allen, frustrated. He could not understand _why_ Allen just did not want to tell! Throwing up his hands in exasperation, he shouted "Fine! Do what you want" and stomped out the door, the same way Reever did to Komui. As the door shut with a bang, Allen flinched. Kanda looked up from his chair at the white-haired and sighed in exasperation. Why was he stuck with a bunch of morons? Suddenly Kanda had the urge to bang his head against the nearest wall… He stood up in one fluid movement and moved towards the bed. For the first time ever, it seemed as if **he **was stuck as the peacemaker. Kanda shuddered inwardly before moving forward. He hesitantly patted Allen's shoulder twice in a show of comfort as the younger continued to stare at his bed sheets blankly. "Tch, don't look so down Baka Moyashi. It's not the end of the world… Stay here, I need to speak with Lavi first," Kanda left the boy, still staring at his sheets and went out in search of a stupid spastic rabbit.

-

_(In Lavi's room)_

Kanda banged the door open, startling the sulking Bookman Apprentice. The Bookman apprentice almost fell out of the bed he was sitting on, but managed to right himself just in time. The samurai gave Lavi a death glare. "What is wrong with _you_?" Kanda bellowed.

Lavi looked up at Kanda in shock. Wait… Kanda was defending Allen? _Why_? Lavi looked at Kanda's face, examining the irritated face of the samurai and asked abruptly, "You're defending him, why? What I did was wrong? Why was I wrong? Why?"

Kanda looked at him for a few seconds before sitting down with a groan. Once again, the urge to bash his head into the nearest wall seemed like a pretty good idea right now. Anyway, wasn't Lavi supposed to be the _smart_ one? With one swift move, he hit Lavi at the back of his head with Mugen's scabbard for the second time that day. Ignoring the outburst from the Bookman Apprentice, he turned to the redhead and said one sentence. "He's not ready…" Lavi looked at him with and said, "What?" Kanda rolled his eyes and began his long-winded explanation.

"Tch. He's not ready, you Baka Usagi! Did you even realize how long it took him to tell us? You shouldn't have put it that way! I know you meant well, you idiot but the way you put it made it seem as if you were forcing him when all his life, he's been forced into everything! Give him time and you better explain properly, you idiot. All we've got is one more chance…"

Lavi looked at Kanda, with his mouth hanging open. His mind whirred as it replayed the conversation he just had with Allen-kun. What had he sounded like to a 16 year old who had his life ripped from under his feet? Being told what to do, when to do and how to do it… True, Allen usually did everything for the good of others but…the kid was no angel. No matter what, Allen was a 16-year-old teenager. He was human; he had emotions, faults, weaknesses and strengths just like others. Lavi sighed… Maybe he _had_ said it the wrong way. The redhead looked up at Kanda grinned cheekily, "Aww… Kanda's a peacemaker now! He's all grown up now…" Lavi gave a fake sniff and clutched the area above his heart dramatically. "Kids grow up so fast nowadays. My Yuu's all grown up now!". Wiping a fake tear with a flick, Lavi gave a mischievous chuckle as Kanda caught the full implication of his words and ran out of his room with an irate and swearing swordsman at his heels, cackling evilly all the way.

*****

After finally getting away from Kanda and locking the door of Allen's room after him, Lavi had glomped Allen and had squeezed the breath out of him, all the while apologizing and berating himself on his stupidity. The white-haired clawed at Lavi's arms that were cutting off the circulation to his breathing and scowled at the Bookman Apprentice when he was released, breathing heavily. Lavi smiled fondly at his little 'brother' and launched in his long explanations on the pros and cons of the visit to Komui. Lavi inwardly cheered as he saw a fire in Allen that had disappeared seemed to have return, though slight. Both argued for hours upon hours, ignoring the swordsman who was still cursing Lavi through the door before he had to leave for his evening training.

For the next two days, Lavi spent all his time with the young General convincing him to go to Komui. Yelling and shouting became common and doors shutting in faces became a habit, but one thing stayed true… Their friendship. No matter how angry or frustrated Lavi got with Allen's outbursts or tantrums, it was only a matter of time before he went back to Allen apologizing. Kanda gave no comment on the matter. He just stood by the side, giving his silent support to both, never questioning nor blaming. But then, one couldn't expect miracles from Kanda. After all, Kanda was still Kanda.

Both Allen and Kanda still fought everyday, over stupid things. Most of the times, it seemed that Kanda would try to reign in his anger but usually, his temper would get the best of him. Though he'd never apologize, he'd always make up for it in other ways. From making sure that fresh flowers were always available in Allen's rooms, to actually having a decent conversation with Lavi when it was clear to both that Allen wanted the both to get on, to eating a piece of sweet when Allen had begged him to try with wide puppy-dog eyes. After 3 days of fighting, finally Allen had agreed to tell Komui the whole truth with the condition that both Lavi and Kanda were with him throughout the entire meeting. Lavi had just bounce up and down with a big smile almost breaking his face into half and said, " Wouldn't have it any other way!" while Kanda had just grunted but his gaze had softened for a minute before he left. The next day laid the inevitable for the three…

Komui had been surprised by their visit, to say the least but was very intimidated by Kanda's glare and Lavi's eye-piercing stare when the three went in together. Without any doubt, it clear that the two older would not leave Allen in the room alone and Komui was happy enough to oblige them. He himself had been getting worried about the young General and had been wanting to confront him… The next 3 hours were spent in retelling the story. Reever who had been in the office at that time was asked to stay as well after Allen had heard how Reever had defended him, though even Reever hadn't expected the extent of the damage caused to their darling Exorcist. For once, Komui was alert and attentive besides being sleepy and drinking tons of coffee. Komui and Reever's jaws had slackened as the tale unfolded, no parts kept secret except for the personal bits such as Allen's reactions to Kanda and his fight months ago. Lavi had placed a reassuring and comforting hand on Allen's shoulder the entire time as the boy stuttered and stammered through his story, reliving the moments of despair once again. Beside Allen, Kanda barely kept from wincing as he heard the white-haired recount the happenings in full detail. Allen's hands were shaking throughout the entire time and he was sweating profusely. Subconsciously, Kanda moved his body closer to the younger as Allen also moved to realign his body without thought to slightly lean against the older as the backs of their hands met in a comforting touch. Though they weren't holding hands, the warmth from Kanda was enough for Allen to finally finish his story without breaking down like he wanted to. The touch was enough…

Komui and Reever stared at the three on the sofa for a couple of minutes, blinking and speechless. All 5 sitting in the room looked at each other in silence when Komui decided to break the silence. "Will you be okay, Allen-kun?" Komui said gently. Allen smiled wryly before replying that he will…in time.

Komui rubbed his face with his right hand wearily. "Oh Allen-kun… I'm not sure what to say to you right now so I'll just tell you what's been happening so far alright? Basically, Lenalee has been covering all your missions so far but the higher-ups were complaining when they didn't see you in the field. Usually, I'd just give them an excuse but I've been giving so many excuses for you and now, they're impatient. Rest assured, I will try to think of a reasonable excuse this time now that I know the full details. If I have no choice, I must warn you that I have to tell them what happened but I'll not give them all the details, but rather, the brief summary. Right now, I need to know what else that needs to be done. Lavi?" Komui looked at Lavi straight, gesturing to Reever with one hand to copy what needed to be done for his Exorcists. Allen had earlier stated that he and Lavi had worked out some requests to be made. Komui could see that though Allen had made progress, but the 16-year-old was still far from being healed. If he could accommodate their requests, the healing process could speed up and maybe Allen would be healed faster. The boy's 17th birthday was approaching in several days and Komui really didn't want the boy to be depressed on that day. Reever numbly reached for the pen and paper that was always in his pockets as he tried to take it all in. Empathy filled the man's heart but what was done, was done. All they could do now was as Allen always said, to move forward.

"Right now, both Yuu-chan and I are following Allen when he goes to the canteen to eat or wherever he needs to go," Lavi ignored the hissing from Kanda at the mincing of his given name and continued. "With your consent, I would like that both Yuu and I rotate missions if possible. Allen-kun is still not comfortable being alone at night and one of us has to be with him so it would really help. Yuu and I can also help Lenalee to even out the missions that are supposed to be given to Allen-kun to balance out. I'll give Jerry a list for what Allen has to eat since solid foods don't stay long in his stomach. Besides that, I can't think of anything else…" Lavi stated seriously, the mischievous twinkle from his eye gone.

With a smile, Komui nodded. The supervisor told them that both he and Reever would keep this meeting confidential. Komui, Lavi and Allen then exchanged news and gossip as Reever and Kanda observed them, though Reever did participate in the conversation once in a while, before the three had to leave for lunch. Komui and Reever sent them to the door as Komui hugged Allen in goodbye. He could feel Allen twitch in his arms and quickly let go without making it obvious but gave a warm smile and an order to come and see him if he needed someone to talk to or if he needed help. Reever had said less but he had clasped Allen's shoulder with one hand and gave the boy a tussle of his white hair before the three finally made their way to the cafeteria. Allen's heart soared a little, maybe it was good that he'd told Komui and Reever…

As the three left the office in lighter spirits, none noticed a figure creeping quietly away towards one of the corridor. Calmly, the three strolled down to the cafeteria when they passed an open window with a tree branch sticking in from the outside. Ignoring it, Lavi and Allen talked quietly as Kanda followed behind when his hair tie got stuck on the branch when he walked too close to it, snapping it in half! At that moment, a light breeze floated in and Kanda's long hair gently danced to the tune of the wind when Kanda scowled in annoyance. Why did his hair tie have to break now? His room was on the other side of the building and it was too far for him to fetch it and still be in time for lunch. The samurai growled. **He** wasn't going to walk around the entire Order with his _hair_ untied! Grumbling in annoyance, he gathered his hair in one hand when a small shy hand handed him a piece of red ribbon. Kanda looked at the owner of the hand to find Allen, biting his lip nervously, handing the ribbon from the neck of his long-sleeved shirt with his feet shifting on the floor. Shy silver eyes met dark blue surprised eyes as Kanda slowly picked the ribbon from Allen's hand and tied his hair in its usual high ponytail. Allen burst out in a wide grin as he took Kanda's hand and dragged the samurai with him to a waiting Lavi who smirked at a slightly bewildered Kanda. Lavi chuckled… Kanda was falling heavily for the young General and he didn't even know it! Plus, it really was funny to see Kanda's reactions as he discovered new emotions and how he was learning the ways of life. Allen chattered happily to both, surprising himself with the insane amount of happiness he felt when Kanda had accepted his ribbon.

Little did they know, the good moment was just too good to last…

*****

It wasn't even a day before the whispers started. Somehow, someone had managed to find out what had _really _happen to their General Walker and how they expressed it.

The following morning, when Allen went down with Lavi and Kanda for breakfast at the cafeteria, many pairs of eyes followed him, as did hushed whispers. As Allen met some of these stares, apprehension filled him. Some of the stares were filled with pity, some filled with revulsion, some filled with sympathy while some just lighted up with outright disgust! Lavi and Kanda subconsciously moved closer to the small body between them, feeling a sense of protectiveness overcoming them as they too saw the stares. Feeling uncomfortable, the younger had sped up with the two older following him side by side when one loud whisper held the three back.

"What kind of Exorcist General is he to get raped by a Noah? He's just a useless freak anyway!" a Finder exclaimed in a loud whisper when he thought the three had moved out of earshot.

In that next second, Kanda had moved from Allen's side, had drawn out Mugen and had slashed the Finder's uniform into pieces. Through his specialized training, Kanda had heard everything the moment it had left the fucker's mouth and had moved the moment that idiot had said the last word while Lavi, though had heard everything too, was three seconds later than Kanda but had drawn his hammer in favor of shielding Allen in case someone decided to attack from the crowd that began to encircle them when Kanda had moved.

"You little piece of shit!" Kanda hissed as the man scrambled up and ran for his life.

People began to murmur and move in closer as questions started to pour from the people's mouths. Most were polite and asking how Allen was while others were just demeaning and insulting the white-haired. But what Allen next heard, drove all the progress that Kanda and Lavi had made go away... One scientist had even the cheek to ask crudely, "So are you the Bookman Apprentice's and the samurai's slut now? Are you their whore?"

Both Kanda and Lavi gave a war cry as they began to beat the man into smithereens. What kind of person would ask that to a **rape victim**? Allen began to edge away, his face paling as Tyki's words came back to haunt him. With a sob, he fled the place as both older Exorcists raced after him when they realized that he was no longer with them. Lavi went in first. Finding Allen curled up into a tight ball on his bed, Lavi tried to soothe and comfort him when a soft knock on the door was heard. Kanda entered. With a sigh, Kanda strode towards the bed and pulled the younger into his lap and once again let the boy cry on him as he comforted the younger until Allen was secure enough to sleep. This time, Allen let Kanda hold him with no protest, as he burrowed his head into the warmth of Kanda's chest. Ignoring Lavi's knowing look, Kanda gently ran his hands through the boy's soft hair and made soothing sounds until the sobbing finally stopped. Gently laying Allen on the bed, Kanda made to move away when Allen's grip on him tightened. Feeling defeated and exhausted, Kanda too made no protests when Lavi shoved him in the bed beside Allen as Lavi settled himself cross-legged at the foot of the bed as he leaned against the wall to take a nap.

-

The next two days got worse and worse… People kept knocking on the door, asking for Allen until both Lavi and Kanda had to camp in his room as Allen got into hysterics each time he was left alone with a roomful of strangers! Kanda brought food to and fro from the cafeteria for the three of them since he was the only one it seemed that the Order was still afraid of, It was only when Komui threatened _everyone _with a threat of paperwork, overtime and missions to each that people finally stopped bothering Allen. But…the damage was done.

Being a teenager, Allen had outbursts just like any normal kid his age only that he was very mature compared to others. Violent outbursts and temper tantrums became more frequent as he was exposed to more people. Somehow, it did not seem to occur to these people that these victims did not like to be touched and would constantly touch and try to hug the younger and wouldn't let go even when Allen had burst into tears from fright. This began to take a toll on the three, especially on Allen and Kanda. All Allen wanted, was to be left alone to heal but how could he? 1 in every 7 would ask him to relate what happened to him and would ask him about every single detail of what had transpired. When he politely declined, they would pester him and would usually do so even when Lavi or Kanda threw them out! Unfortunately, not even Kanda and Lavi could always be there for Allen. Others would sneak in when Allen was alone… For Kanda, it was a torture not to murder all these miserable creatures! He would resort to ordering Allen into the room when the boy wanted to leave as he tried to protect the boy. Kanda was very confused… The samurai became very protective of Allen as his new emotions pushed him to the limit. From not feeling anything in that cold heart of his, to feeling everything in the fucking book of emotions found in the human body. He felt extremely vulnerable and frustrated but he tried to kept it all in… Trying his best, Kanda did everything and anything for Allen as he tried to sort out himself, trying to learn lessons that others found out years ago. There were times when he wanted to just burst, break and go satisfy his craving for a killing rampage! But only the thought of how he had to be strong for Allen kept him from breaking, or in his case, hiding behind his walls once again…

But as always, life was full of irony…

-

Allen screamed at Kanda from the bed as he sat down and pushed the samurai further away, "Stop telling me what to do! You are nothing! Your parents didn't want you! Your entire village didn't want you and I DON'T NEED YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Allen had once again, tried to sneak out of his room. Usually, Kanda and Lavi did not mind each time the boy wanted to go out and even tried to encourage it. However, Kanda had forbidden him this time. He'd heard from Komui who had come to check on them that a very large group of people was coming to see the Order. They were potential sponsors for the Vatican and Komui had told Kanda to try not let Allen out of his room until the visitors had gone as Allen was still afraid of being touched. This was inevitable if a huge crowd was coming… Kanda had explained, Lavi had explained it and even _Komui _had explained it. But the younger felt enclosed… There was nothing the older three could do and he knew it but this time, the fight was inevitable…

Kanda stared at Allen; his dark almond-shaped eyes snapped wide open from the death glare he had been about to give. Eyes that were filled with inexplicable anger and sorrow before he masked the emotions up with a thick impenetrable wall. The mouth that had been open to retort closed with a snap. Midnight blue eyes with an unfathomable deepness caught the silver eyes as Kanda got to his feet before kneeling down by Allen's bed. Never leaving Allen's gaze, Kanda bowed in the traditional Japanese way, a way a servant bowed to his master and left the room. The door closed by itself quietly, but to the two occupants of the room, the silence made it sound like a slam. Silence filled the room like miasma and tension rose.

Lavi rushed out of the room as soon as the door closed, hoping to find the samurai outside, only to find the ribbon that Allen had given to Kanda was left, lying in a small pool of crimson on the floor before a trail of droplets led away from the corridor.

Blood.

Yuu's blood.

Kanda was hurt, inside and out… Not good. Kanda's pride was all he had left after his uncle had trodden on him, and that too was now gone… It was going to be dangerous to interact with the swordsman until Kanda himself, had decided on how he would deal with the situation. Lavi went inside the room and glared at the mulish younger.

Lavi stood firm. "Moyashi-chan, we know you've gone through a lot of things but you shouldn't have said that to Yuu-chan. Haven't you learnt anything of him in this week? You, of all people, should know that going as far as to insult Kanda's past was too much. He's trying his best as it is. You went too far, Allen…"

Allen turned his head to the side childishly and scowled; "He did the same to me! I'm trying too so why are you taking his side? He's the one who started all this! If he hadn't said what he did nine months ago, I wouldn't have left home and none of this would have happened! I'm the one who's suffering! I'm the one who tried to commit suicide! I was the one who got raped! If anything, I should be the one who was stalking off,"

Lavi looked at the younger throwing a tantrum on the bed with a serious expression on his face. He sighed. The redhead began to wonder when in the world did he sign up to be the peacemaker within this group? This was hard… Especially when the friendship now involved a hurt swordsman and an exhausted General. He prayed to God to give him an endless supply of patience as he tried again, "As people always say, your childhood should be the happiest and most carefree time of your life. Something that is greatly treasured within each heart. You were too much, Allen-kun. You should've known better than to insult Kanda's past. What is wrong with you?" The redhead said tiredly before he continued, not giving Allen a chance to refute what was being said. "Kanda has much more intuition that both you and me. Did you know? If he has the slightest inkling that his presence gives pain or misery to others, he will leave just like that. It's the reason for those damn walls. I guess it's Kanda's twisted idea of an endurance test. Those who can stick with him even with his faults and temper, is someone he will be very loyal to. Like for example, General Tiedoll; I can tell you that Kanda will go to the ends of this Earth to protect that man just for the fact that he saved Kanda. Doesn't mean Yuu has to like him… That boy who just walked out had his uncle spit in him when we were in Japan all those years ago! He is more fucked up and broken inside than you are. That very same person is the one whose trying his damndest to help you, at the expense of himself. We know you suffered and we both played a part in it. I _know_ you were a victim, but that is not a trump card to be used…"

"He's trying even harder than you… To you, it might seem stupid but Kanda doesn't feel anything. He's been learning how to feel everything since you went away. Right now, he's trying his utmost to learn how to trust and depend on others. He's trying to be your friend. He's trying _for _you. Have you ever seen Kanda taking care of people? Have you ever seen Kanda fighting for others? Have you ever seen Kanda apologize to others? He does these things only for you. I'm not saying that I like his behavior but this is what he is now. It's either you take him, as incomplete as he is or you lose him forever..."

Lavi gave a sad smile to Allen and left the room, moving to close the door gently. Now, was the time to be Yuu's best friend, Allen would be fine on his own. The white-haired was mature and no doubt would know what needed to be done. He'd be here if advice was needed. But right now, his best friend needed him more, though said best friend would probably chop him to bite-sized pieces if he said it out loud…

*****

Allen looked at the retreating sight of Lavi as the door swung shut. A look of horror plastered on his face as he whispered, "What have I done…"

**Uh… Hello again? Haha. Not going to say much except please review and give me your comments and feedback. I swear I need some happiness right now. So please review if you guys value this story, my sanity and me. Yeah, please…? I'm not really sure how this chapter got to this… IT WROTE ITSELF OUT! And yay! A decent cliffy! (:**

**Thank you for reading!**


	11. Belonging In Your Arms

**A/N: Thank you to everyone for their good wishes and sympathy at the last chapter. I really appreciate it (: This chapter will be a bit draggy in certain parts but it is necessary, I assure you. The next chapter will be a bit late out, but no worries I shall try to get it out as soon as possible.**

**A good song to listen to while reading this chapter would be 'Breathe No More' by Evanescence. Really.**

**I own nothing. Truly. Even my handphone died on me.**

**I would like to hehe… erm, apologise because I had said that the angst was going to be toned down but the chapter wrote itself out! I SWEAR! I WAS HALF-ASLEEP WHEN I WROTE MOST OF IT! *waves arms around, looks around at disbelieving faces and checks her notebook, embarrassed* **

***cough cough* Anyway, I will **_**only **_**release the next chapter when my reviews reach 160. *evil laughter echoes maniacally through a megaphone***

**Okay, I'm not really serious, (I think) but I'd really hope for it *blinks and give puppy eyes* Pretty please, with a chocolate sundae with Kanda and Allen-shaped marshmallows on top… Pleaaaaaase haha**

***Ehem ehem* Okay, enough nonsense.**

Juraimy: Hey you! LOL. I want to thank you so much for helping me with this chapter. You were a great help! You're a wonderful friend, but you already know that haha. I really appreciate your comments and I really thought about it deeply. And here's what I got! Hope you like it…

Lellitoe: Hello dear (: Terima kasih banyak-banyak with your reviews. Nak cakap Selamat Hari Raya awal-awal dulu. Kalau ada silap, maafkan ya? Thank you very much untuk telling me what you like and what you think of the story. And yeah, I mentioned your name!! HAHA. Thanks for the hug also… Really appreciated. *hugs back*

RibbonSeal: LOL. No worries about it. As promised, long monologues are broken. I get what you're saying totally. I have a tendency to be long-winded and I'm still rectifying that problem. Thank you very much for your feedback!

**HAPPY READING! (:**

**-**

His feet thumped on the ground with a desperation that the owner of the feet seemed to have. Blood flew from the injured hand but it hardly stung compared to the throbbing hurt in his heart. Boots stomped down the endless maze of hallways and concrete pillars soon became a blur. Untied long hair flitted by the breeze created with the speed of Kanda's running. Some of the strands whipped across his face and neck while most of his hair moved along with the quick wind. His mind was filled with total chaos...

"_Stop telling me what to do! You are nothing! Your parents didn't want you! Your entire village didn't want you and I DON'T NEED YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME!"_

He was wrong… He had been wrong to believe it would've lasted… Everyone was the same. Kanda Yuu was nothing, nothing at all. He was not wanted. He was a warrior of God to the Vatican and the Order, a disciple of General Froi Tiedoll, a close acquaintance of Bookman Apprentice Lavi and a cold heartless bastard to the rest of the people but he was **never** wanted. The world would still spin if he didn't exist, the sun would shine in the morning and the stars would twinkle at night with the moon… Life would go on. His death wasn't going to stop the Earl from making people into Akumas. In fact, life would probably be _even_ better if he wasn't around!

The irony of life…

"_Stop telling me what to do! You are nothing! Your parents didn't want you! Your entire village didn't want you and I DON'T NEED YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME!"_

In the end, it all came down to one thing. Hope. Frivolous, fickle-minded hope. Oh, how strong hope could make you feel and how deep it made you fall. How he had though that **he **had to be strong for Allen but the truth was… You never know when it might betray you and stab you in the back. How the hope of one, _just_ one small person, could make you try to change and be a better person. You would try with all your might to change, give up all the principles and the rules you lived by. How just a small drop of hope made you feel as if life does have a meaning for you and that your existence wasn't a mistake after all…

-

_(Several years back, Japan)_

"_Your parents didn't want you! Your entire village didn't want you and I DON'T NEED YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK! How dare you ask me to show you your parents' graves? You don't deserve to know them! You don't deserve anything!" Kanda's uncle screamed, his spittle rained on a younger Kanda's face._

"_Please…" Kanda begged, holding onto the man's clothes as the spit trickled down his face. Blue eyes were tinged with desperation and misery clearly seen. His face was pale and he winced at the scornful words._

"_Let me see my parents, just once would be enough! I just… I just want to see their graves. I… I want to be-beg for…for-forgiveness from th-them! Please, Oji-sama. Let me see their graves… Please…" A 6-year-old Kanda asked tearfully as tears filled his almond-shaped eyes. His uncle just looked down on him and glared hatefully at him, fear and hate radiated from the adult and snatched his clothes away from the disease that dared call himself his nephew. _He___had _no _nephew! About to answer, his eyes widened as Kanda knelt down respectfully in front of him. A whisper was heard, which his uncle strained to hear._

"_Will…will you take me in your family? I've…never had a family before! I'll help you do whatever you want, I'll…I'll do _anything_! Just, please take me away from the Order. I'll be a good nephew… I'll grow up and rebuild the town I burnt! I'll… I'll make you proud! I'll do my best to change… I'll make you trust me! Just…please give me a chance, Oji-sama. Please…give me a chance. Just one chance," the boy whispered. Hope tainted the small voice. Oh how the 6-year-old longed for someone to want him, for him to have a family. He dared not look up at his uncle, waiting anxiously for his uncle's response._

_A seed of faith planted itself into the young boy's heart. This was his uncle after all; Kanda was his flesh and blood! Of course the man would accept him! The thin body began to relax slowly as the logic made sense in his head. Why would his uncle not take him in? He vowed in his mind… He _would _make his uncle like him. He'd try his best to prove his worth to his uncle. He would do his best to make his uncle love him. After all, what his uncle had said in front of that fucking old Tiedoll and that Baka Usagi was only an anger of fit, right? That was the only explanation…_

_His voice snapped up at the sound of his uncle's voice._

_A deadly whisper ensued; hate totally colouring the voice._

"_I will __**never **__want you. Get back to that __**freak**__ of a circus you were travelling with! You are __**nobody**__,__** a nothing**__! __**No one **__will ever want you. You are better off,__** dead! **__Your existence was____a__** mistake**__! Why in the fucking hell would __**I **__want you? I'd rather see you dead. No matter what you do, you will __**never **__be any nephew of mine. I'd rather __**die **__than see you in my family or my house. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT NOW!" Kanda's uncle screamed and spit on his nephew again._

_Blue eyes slowly filled up but none of the tears fell. It took massive effort but he made it work. He wasn't going to cry, he wasn't! The 6-year-old's heart crashed to the ground in millions of little pieces, which were then disintegrated into dust, blown away by the wind of heart-wrenching reality. A hard lump formed in Kanda's throat, making it hard for him to swallow as his eyes continued to fill. His shoulders slumped from the blow as he sat, devastated beyond his darkest nightmare. Spit trailed down his face as a large hand jerked his ponytail back roughly. Wincing slightly, the young samurai met his uncle's eyes bravely. Black eyes met his gaze with a dangerous and malicious spark within._

"_You know what, you little piece of shit? I think I'll actually be _nice _and let you see your parents' graves… How about that? But there are a few conditions that you have to go through first. How about that? Aren't I nice… What do you say, fucker?" His uncle breathed into his ear._

_Kanda nodded, pain filled his eyes as his uncle lifted him by his hair and dragged him through the courtyard of his uncle's traditional Japanese house. They passed perfectly trimmed bonsai trees and the colourful sea of flowers that were planted near the entrance of the house. A small pond with dragonflies dancing in the air and water lilies passed them but even that couldn't hold Kanda's gaze. Servants avoided them like plague as the man pulled his nephew along like a bag of garbage. Never hearing the pleas that spilled from his nephew or the whispers of the servants that watched the two leave…_

"_Let me go!" Kanda continued to yell. "I can walk by myself! Stop! Please!" All the training into making him as emotionless as possible was thrown away without a thought. Why didn't his uncle want him? He wasn't good enough? He wasn't smart enough? What? His childish mind tried his best to comprehend but his mind couldn't believe what had been said._

_His uncle let go of him at last, flinging him to the ground without a care in the world. The young samurai fell down with a thump in front of two graves. They were in a family graveyard, where all family members that were recognised were given their burial here. Kanda's blue eyes widened at the sight, scrambling towards the graves. "Chichi-ue! Okaa-san!" he breathed out, overwhelmed. Finally, he could see his parents! After all these years…_

_He was jerked back by the pull of his collar._

"_Nu uh uh… Did you remember the conditions I told you about?" The man mocked, ignoring Kanda's scowl. Apprehension and fear filled the boy as the man gave him a smirk that promised pain and total humiliation._

"_The conditions that I have for you are very simple…" His uncle cooed. "There are only three… First, you let me do whatever I want to do to you. Second, you kowtow down to me three times. Third, in front of your parents' graves and me, say that you are a freak and a jinx that just deserves nothing and __**mean it**__! You will __**disown **__yourself in front of Heaven and Earth" His uncle said with a calm voice, emphasising on the last part. His uncle continued, "Then, you will leave me alone and never come back. You will be disowned and never be able to get buried in the family graveyard. Any inheritance that you might have will be given away and your name will __**never **__be connected to us ever again. Abide by these conditions, and you get to spend some time with your departed parents. Refuse; and you will be personally thrown out and you will not see your parents at all…"_

_He looked at the small boy at his feet, "Agreed?"_

_The young boy had no choice but to agree. How could he not atleast apologise to his parents? The first few values that he had learnt, as a samurai was family, honour and knowledge. Wealth would bring you to many places, but your parents were the ones that brought you to this world. He did not asked to be jinxed, nor did he asked his father to drown him but he owed his parents atleast an apology for making their lives a misery. The blessings of your parents were the most important thing a child could ask for to be successful as a person and in his life._

_Without blessings of your family, you will never have the family's honour. But instead, you would bring shame to your parents and despair. No matter how long or deep you have studied, not even the wealth of knowledge one would possess would be the same as those who have less knowledge, yet have family blessings and honour._

_Having had to grow up the moment General Tiedoll had picked him up, Kanda had no trouble grasping this concept. He accepted with a heavy heart. Being disowned was much better than having the stain of your wrongdoings forever on your body. He would beg for forgiveness from his parents… He looked at his uncle who gestured at him to stand up._

_Kanda stood up, his head bowed down…_

_He head his uncle chuckle maliciously before a huge blow to his stomach made him lurch forward. His uncle laughed and laughed as Kanda was hit repeatedly. Kanda did not make a sound…knowing his uncle wanted to hear that the most. Unfortunately for Kanda, he didn't know that his uncle had been trained as a soldier of the Emperor's army. His uncle knew where to hit him where it would hurt the most but seen the least._

_Finally, a cry was wrung from Kanda's throat as his uncle lifted him up by the neck. The man felt no pity for the struggling boy as he strangled the child. With a sudden movement, the retired soldier flung his nephew to the ground where he told Kanda in a gentle voice, "That was only the beginning, dear __**nephew**__. Now, kowtow down to me and kiss my feet. _Three _times,"_

_Hiccupping slightly as tears and snot ran down the pale face as he slowly crawled to his uncle's feet. It hurt, everything hurt. He crawled slowly as his body screamed in protest from his moving around. Air was struggling to pass through the bruised ring around his throat where his uncle had strangled him. As he finally reached his uncle's feet, the man kicked his shoulder, causing the young samurai to slump down to the ground with a wretched cry. It hurt so bad… His uncle snarled at him and Kanda quickly moved to comply. Kowtowing three times, Kanda kissed his uncle's feet all the while with the man calling him different vile names and physically abusing his nephew where the accursed Exorcist Uniform hid his body._

_Finally…the last condition._

_Kanda's uncle stared at him, waiting for the words._

"_Wi-with Heav-Heaven an-and Ear-Earth as wit-witness, in fro-front of O-Oji-Sama, Chi-Chichi-Ue and O-Okaa-san", Kanda's voice cracked pitifully as tears continued to trickle out of his eyes. "I-I, Kan-Kanda Yuu, am a fre-freak, a-a jin-jinx, an-and I do no-not deserve an-any lo-love, fam-family no-nor hon-honour. I-I deserve noth-nothing. I ha-have dis-disgraced m-my pa-parents an-and tar-tarnished th-the fam-family hon-honour. M-May He-Heaven an-and Ear-Earth wit-witness th-that I, Ka-Kanda Yuu ha-have be-been dis-disowned b-by Oji-sama," Kanda gasped out as he tumbled to the ground, numb. He had publicly disowned himself. No family… No honour… He had nothing to his name now except for Mugen that his uncle had refused to take, saying that the family heirloom was now tainted._

"_Go… And never come back" His uncle looked away from the sight of his nephew no longer and left, leaving a weeping child in the graveyard with wounds so deep. Self- loathing filled the space where the crushed heart used to be as Kanda looked at the retreating figure of his uncle. The 6-year-old crawled to his parents' graves and tearfully apologised over and over, berating himself and pleading for their forgiveness. Time soon passed by… Kanda had finally stopped, choosing to kneel in front of his parents' graves. Tear tracks had dried as Kanda wiped off the snot with his sleeve. The young boy slowly picked himself up, wincing as he did so and examined his surroundings…_

_The sun was shining brightly in the setting sky, with hardly a cloud in the beautiful orange and red sky. Birds chirped and sang with vigour and the air was filled with melodious tunes. The sun was going down, giving the sky the colour of a burning flame. The sweet scent of flowers and fresh air in the graveyard filled Kanda's nostrils as he breathed in deeply and slowly. A few butterflies fluttered by as dragonflies whizzed around in between the family graveyard. _

_Kanda stood in the middle of it all…_

"_No one cares," the 6-year-old boy whispered as the self-loathing within increased. Everything was mocking him with their beauty. How could the world be so beautiful when he felt so wretched inside? His blue eyes hardened to the colour of black ice. It just wasn't fair… It just wasn't…_

"_No one ever does…"_

_*****_

_(Present time)_

Lavi banged on the door again, getting scared. "Yuu! Open up! Open up!" Lavi yelled, over and over again.

-

_(45 minutes ago)_

Lavi had been running down the corridors searching for the swordsman, when he had finally heard a bang in the direction of Kanda's room. Panting heavily, Lavi rushed forward again towards Kanda's room and banged on the wooden door. "Hey! Yuu-Chan! Open up! Moyashi-chan didn't mean it like that, Yuu! Open up!"

_(Present Time)_

Lavi was **very **worried. It was now getting close to an hour that he'd been banging on Kanda's door! He'd tried pushing the door open but a heavy weight was holding the door closed. There had been no response, whatsoever, from Kanda. Right now, Lavi was mentally contemplating whether he should get Komui to make Kanda open the door or risk Kanda's outburst by using his hammer to smash down the door…

Lavi was now cursing in 12 different languages in his head as he continued to bang down the door of the samurai's room. Why wasn't Kanda answering him? Was Kanda ignoring him on purpose? Was Kanda unconscious? Did Kanda hurt himself? Lavi's mind was running amok with all these morbid thoughts when they all came to a standstill.

Kanda's voice finally came through the door. Sounding exhausted and subdued, he answered the redhead with a monotonous voice. "I'm fine, Baka Usagi. Leave me alone. When I'm ready, I'll come out…" Kanda locked his door and a few seconds later, a thump on the bed indicated that the samurai had moved to his bed. Lavi stood in silence in front of the door.

For once in his life, he had no idea what to do. This was déjà vu. Several years back, Kanda had shut himself in his room for a week when he had returned after running away for an entire day. Running away after meeting his uncle when General Tiedoll, Kanda and he had been out in one of the towns. The sensei that had been teaching Kanda at that time was the only one that Kanda wanted to see. Surprisingly, the strict and uptight sensei respected his student's decision and by the end of the week, Kanda finally came out.

Kanda's behaviour was the same as when they had found him the next morning after he had run off. But his behaviour and attitude had been more quiet than usual… For the next few weeks, he had lived in his own world where he knew his friend was healing himself but in what way, the Bookman Apprentice didn't know. Lavi earnestly hoped that this wasn't going to happen for the second time. For this time, they might really lose Kanda.

*****

Allen looked up when Lavi finally entered the room, rubbing his face wearily as he slumped into a chair, exhausted.

"Did you find him?" Allen asked quietly, now ashamed of his actions.

"Hmm? Oh yeah… I did. He was in his room, behind the door. Don't worry; Kanda will appear when he's ready. So right now, it's just you and me, kiddo! I'll be staying with you until he appears and then we can take turns. But for now, it's just me! You wanna grab a bite at the cafeteria?" Lavi cheerfully stated, well, as cheerfully as one could be in this circumstances. As Allen nodded, Lavi smiled as he brought the younger down.

Both Kanda and he had discovered that Allen's nightmares at nights were too traumatising which caused the younger to grab the nearest sharp object and cut himself or physically harming himself in any way. The older Exorcists had then taken turns each night, staying with Allen in case he woke up in fits of nightmare. Being scared of touch, it made it even harder for the two to wake him up as he'd screamed if they touched him. Eating was still a problem but currently, it was being solved by liquid meals created by Komui and Jerry as an experiment to help Allen stop puking his meals out. This had solved the problem momentarily as the Head Nurse had warned them that the solution could not be long-term and they had to put Allen on a solid food diet as soon as possible. But even then, Allen still vomited out the liquid meals sometimes.

For the next two days, Allen saw nothing of Kanda, which Lavi assured him that Kanda was in his own room and not ignoring the younger. The two days passed with a blur as the whispering finally stopped and Allen was now allowed more freedom to go outside. This did much to calm the younger's nerves and surly attitude but the feelings of guilt within grew when Jerry had commented in passing that he hadn't seen Kanda at any of the meals and that the soba he had made would probably go to waste. It had somewhat been a given since last week that when you saw Allen, you would see the two older trailing behind. Unfortunately, this had been noticed and had been added to the rumour mill but thankfully for Allen, Mugen had silenced them all when all the gossipmongers had to explain to Komui why exactly their uniforms were turned to strips of confetti.

Komui had been displeased when Kanda had gone AWOL in his room but Lavi had quickly pulled the Supervisor aside to tell him what had transpired. There was nothing Komui could do until Kanda had made his decision on what was his next action. Until he figured out what he wanted to do, there was nothing they could do but wait for Kanda to make his appearance.

*****

_(2 days later)_

Kanda finally appeared out of his room, after 2 days of being cooped up in his room. Hair tied up with a white hair tie, his hair freshly washed. Boots were laced and Mugen strapped to his side. His coat and trousers were impeccable as usual. The first thing he had done was to go to the cafeteria and get some soba.

He acted per normal, ate per normal and even walked per normal… But something was wrong. His eyes were shuttered, never letting loose any emotion. He spoke only when he was spoken to, and if Allen spoke to him, he wouldn't even reply. Instead, he would just turn to the younger and bow down in a perfect bow with his eyes trained on the floor. When Allen moved closer to him, he'd move away a few steps. Make no mistake, he still walked with Allen and Lavi but now, he would walk a few steps behind of them, keeping a respectable distance between them.

Each time anyone asked him to do anything, he would be his usual crude self and swear at everyone but there was a strong viciousness in his tone, stronger than before. Though to those who knew him well, the tone was tinged with resignation. His guard was high up and his training regime became even tougher. Though… there was something of concern to Komui, Lavi and the senior Bookman. Each time one spoke to Kanda, no matter whom it was… Kanda would bow his head slightly when he had never done so before. This would be considered fine if any Japanese was doing it, except for the fact that it was Kanda that they were talking about…

Allen was starting to feel guilty and scared as he saw how Kanda acted. Truthfully, he had felt a little hurt when Kanda had refused to speak to him and moved away from him but right now, there were other more important things on his mind. Lately, his friends had been more overbearing towards him. Of course, this resulted in a feeling of being smothered to the young General who had been used to living alone with only his golem, Timcanpy, for company when he had been out in the field. Taking to sneaking out with only Tim for company, his attitude was getting surlier as each time he was caught and scolded for being out alone.

Seeing Kanda's increasingly changing behaviour for the next few days made Allen's attitude worse. Each time, he had tried talking to the swordsman, and each time he was brusquely rejected.

Kanda was now firm in his mind that he had to 'redeem' himself to everyone, especially Allen. The hurtful words from Allen kept mixing up in his memories of his uncle's words, giving Kanda's mind a run for its money. His mind was full of chaos as he tried to justify himself and his actions. He had gotten the idea in his mind that it was better for Allen to be away from him. Since he was honour bound to Allen, the samurai started resorting to other ways so that his presence would not be a bother to the white-haired, not knowing that as he did so, Allen's behaviour was also worsening.

*****

Frankly, the three were quite worried. Bookman and Lavi, having been in Japan when Kanda had been training, had learnt the customs and traditions of the place. They had recognised the bowing, the walking and all the things that Kanda seemed to be doing was that of a servant to a master!

Kanda's mind was trapped in its own world. It was like a dream world that he did not want to come out of. Something he was comfortable with. It was as if he preferred the dream world to reality!

Kanda gave the impression of a living, breathing zombie. He seemed to feel no emotions. The past somehow, made him immune to any positive feelings. Slowly consumed by his bad memories, Kanda was now slowly thinking morbid thoughts… Thoughts of thinking that it were best if he left the Order and that the only way to 'redeem' his non-existent honour and to 'regain' trust was to do that. To gain that trust to feel better, that it was something that he had to do for himself. That it was time he could finally get something right for himself, even if it meant that he had to abandon everything that he had now. But right now, he was honour bound to Allen.

The feeling of overwhelming guilt in him from the destruction of his village, his memories of being disowned, the feeling of not being accepted by anyone was amplified in Kanda's version of reality. Unfortunately for Kanda, the feelings would not rest until it was settled. The samurai would continue feeling uneasy about stepping out from the safe yet damaging reality that he'd created for himself unless things turned right again…or atleast until a memory, strong enough to overcome the barriers he'd created for himself before the samurai could finally start feeling peace within himself. And then maybe, finally, it would all come back to him.

Hope… Trust… Honour… Friends… Family… _Acceptance_…

-

_(In Komui's Office)_

"He's acting strange because his heart feels empty. It seems that it's because his memories retaliate his present memories. When I talk to him, he seemed to only remember his old memories instead of new ones! He can't seem to remember the time that has passed from the period when we came back from Japan till Allen-kun comes to the Order. He told me that his memories were vague but he wouldn't elaborate. Somehow at that time, the current Yuu came out and scowled at me before stalking away!" Lavi exclaimed as he related what Kanda seemed to be going through to Komui, Reever and Bookman.

Komui sat at his desk, sighing. "He asked me to put him on any mission to Japan, preferably near his hometown. Since Allen and you needed him here, I had rejected his appeal and had sent him off saying that if there were any missions, and then I'd be sure to tell him… What are we going to do now? Both Kanda and Allen's conditions are deteriorating and it seems that Allen's is getting worse because of Kanda. Lavi, what exactly did Allen say to Kanda during their fight? Maybe Bookman and I can figure something out…"

Lavi started explaining word for word what had happened at that moment. Komui and Bookman became silent as they thought deeply on the strange twist of events. Personally, they would have thought that the positions would be reversed. As in, that Kanda would be the one to snap and that Allen would be the one with the problem. Suddenly Bookman thought of something that he had forgotten about a long time ago while he was in Japan.

"Perhaps… I might have the answer to the problem. I remember that there had been a notice in one of the towns where Lavi and I had been with General Tiedoll and Kanda-kun in his training to be a samurai. I was passing a massive house when at the entrance of the closed doors, stood a notice. Apparently, a certain member of the Kanda family had been disowned. At that point of time, I was in a hurry towards an Akuma attack but I am very sure that the name of the person was Kanda Yuu and that was the home of Kanda-kun's uncle!" Bookman explained in a grave voice.

Though he and Lavi wasn't supposed to be getting involved in the affairs of the Order, this might be detrimental to all of them if the youngest General and the strongest samurai they had were breaking apart. And then, the Bookman clan would also cease to exist.

All three sat in silence, their mind turning over what the Bookman had just said. The three of them started discussing what might have happened. Lavi was asked to remember back to what had happened during the one week where Kanda had hid himself and the weeks following. None of them could come up to the root of the problem but somehow; they all came to the same answer. It seemed that since Allen and Kanda's condition was entwined together, only Allen could help Kanda now.

None of them knew how right they were…

*****

Allen was walking around in one of the courtyards one day, when he spotted Kanda by the side, walking along aimlessly. With nothing to do and his mind full of unanswered questions, the younger decided to follow the older and see what he was up to. He silently followed the dark-haired teen around until they reached the edge of the forest where Kanda proceeded to hack up a young oak tree into a pile of wood shaving that were littering the forest floor by the second. Allen was puzzled, what the hell was Kanda doing? He decided to step out and ask the swordsman. "Kanda, what are you doing?" he asked.

The swordsman straightened up with a snap and turned around, narrowing his eyes at Allen. He wasn't quite sure why he'd been hacking the tree to pieces but figured that the cause of it was the splitting headache he felt. He'd been having this headache for days! He was very much confused why he couldn't seem to remember the memories from the period of time when he'd been in Japan to the moments where this brat in front of him came in. Quickly, he bowed to Allen. This was also another thing puzzled Kanda. Why was he bowing to this boy? What made him bow? His brow furrowed further, as he moved away from Allen when he realised that the younger was intruding on his personal space.

Allen grabbed Kanda's arm as Kanda stood up from his bow and was about to walk away. Kanda stiffened. Roughly, he pushed away Allen. In desperation, Allen shouted out the first thing that came to his mind as his guilt mounted and finally erupted to two sentences.

"I don't hate you, Kanda. Please come back…"

Kanda bowed, "I'm sorry, I was the one who overstepped my boundaries. From now on, rest assured that you would not see me anymore. I know when I'm not needed… You need not worry,"

Allen looked at him, shocked. "What? What do you mean?"

Kanda looked at him passively, "You hate me being near you, right? My presence brings pain to you, yes?"

"What? No!" Allen gasped, shocked. How in the world did Kanda come up with that conclusion? He tried explaining, somehow trying to make the swordsman see from his point of view. "I just… It felt like everyone was forcing me to stay in my room. Wherever I go, somebody must be with me… I just feel smothered, I guess. Everyone seems to be pushing me around like a toy. I just want some time alone!" Allen finally burst out, frustrated.

Kanda gave him a blank look and blinked confusedly. "That's your reason? I don't understand you… You have everything that I could ever ask for. Why do you always say you're being forced? What did we ever do that seemed like forcing?" The samurai stared at the white-haired and started scowling. What was wrong with this brat? Allen had everything that he ever wanted… Someone cared for him! Why couldn't he see that… "No one pushes you around. Everyone loves you. No one hates you. What…what's wrong with you? Why can't you see that? All that people do is all for _you_!"

Allen looked at Kanda's face, which was turning redder and redder each minute. The older teen's anger was rising to dangerous levels. His blood pressure rose, making his heartbeat increase. Heaving heavily from the fury that was bubbling within. His eyes dilated, giving a predator's glare to the shorter teen. His memories all returned to him in one swoop, making his headache worse.

All Kanda had ever wanted his entire life was for one…just _one _person in this fucking entire universe to love him but this…this fucking bean sprout seemed to take it all for granted.

"Umm, Kanda? Your face is turning very red!" Allen said slowly.

Kanda erupted.

Needless to say, the entire Order heard Kanda's thoughts on exactly how he felt about Allen's self-pitying. Kanda couldn't find it in himself to sympathize with the boy when this, this _bean sprout _caused his darkest memory to come back to life, made him into a zombie for God knows how many fucking _days_, and had the cheek to say that he was being pushed around like a _toy_? Kanda could not believe his ears. Stomping off to his room, Kanda left an open-mouthed Allen who had been told in both English and Japanese in swear words that Kanda seemed to think he was. But it was the last part of Kanda's eruption that had caught Allen's attention. The sad and yearning tone that brought out the bitterness in his words.

"All I had ever wanted was for just one person to care for me… I couldn't have it so I locked those emotions in me. You… You have so many people caring for you, but you cannot even see what you have in front of you Instead, you focus on other things. Why didn't you just tell us?"

*****

Kanda had gone into hiding in his room again. It was now three days that he had disappeared. After his volcanic eruption with Allen the other day, not even a single strand of hair was seen of Kanda. It was simple… Kanda did not know how to react with Allen around, so as usual, he had taken the easy way out as he'd done with his emotions a long time ago. He feared not being accepted after blowing up at the youngest General. It was going to be hard to act as if nothing had happened… The samurai was sure that he had bellowed loud enough for _everyone _in the Order to hear. He was already hated enough; with his emotional upheavals lately, it was a disaster in the making already!

Allen, on the other hand, had done a lot of thinking for the past few days… Thinking long and hard about what Kanda had said in their previous argument. He finally apologised to both Komui and Lavi for his rude attitude for the past two weeks. Coming to terms with his bad behaviour, Allen had been forced to see that he had acted quite irrationally considering that everyone was trying his or her best for him. The young General tried his best to explain that after experiencing bad things and with all the whispering and taunting, he just needed space. That he needed time to heal and some personal time with himself.

It was finally Bookman that had helped Allen voice out his feelings at being cooped up in his room.

"So you're saying that you now hate to be in your room?" Lavi asked, confused.

Bookman sighed from his position at the side of Komui's office. Seeing the same blank looks on Komui's face as on Lavi's, the Bookman decided to be kind this time and help out Allen. He went out of the shadows and raptly knocked his apprentice's head harshly.

Lavi sputtered in indignation, "What… Jiji! What the hell, man! What did I do now?"

"Allen-kun is saying that with all the things he had faced, he just wants time to reflect and some personal space. He feels enclosed by the four walls of his room and just needs some form of distraction. He wants to be out in the courtyard or the forest, whatever. Is that so, Allen-kun?" The Bookman looked at him expectantly.

Allen nodded and smiled gratefully at the ancient man.

Kanda and Lavi looked at each other and sighed. Maybe they had been a _little _too over-protective but they had to reason with the young General. After all, a compromise could be worked out…

"Look Allen-kun," Komui began uncomfortably. "Maybe we have been too over-protective but I really do hope you understand that whatever we have done is for your sake. We didn't realise you felt that way. You should've told us!" Komui said.

Allen smiled sheepishly, "I know… I know now that I should've just said it instead of taking it out on other people and hurting their feelings."

Lavi grinned, "And here I thought that everyone was losing their minds except for me. Oh woe me…"

All rolled their eyes at Lavi's dramatics. Komui then advised Allen, as a superior, not to do that again as he was actually killing his own friendships when he took it out on others. That it was all right to want some time alone but they had to work out a compromise that both parties could agree on. They could always talk it out and that there was always another solution for things. Finally, Allen and Komui, with both Bookman and Bookman Apprentice looking over, worked out a compromise. It was simple…

Allen could go anywhere he wanted as long as either Lavi or Kanda accompanied him. Both Allen and Lavi grimaced at this at the thought of confronting the swordsman. If he wanted time alone, he could inform the two and tell them specifically where he was going and for how long.

Allen went out to the forest after that, telling Lavi that he needed some time to think alone. Respecting his decision, Lavi smiled at him and told him to go ahead. Wandering along aimlessly, Allen came to the edge of the forest once again. Snapping his head up, he saw Kanda in the forest sitting alone and looking blankly at his surroundings. Gathering his courage, Allen stepped forward. His footsteps crunched, alerting Kanda to the sound of him. Kanda looked up to see Allen shifting uncomfortably while looking at him. Kanda sighed… Here it was, the outburst!

He gestured to Allen to take a seat beside him and waited.

*****

They sat side by side at the floor of the forest. Green light filtered through the canopy of leaves, shining on the two. Birds chirped and sang to the tune of the afternoon breeze slowly relaxing the awkward silence between the two friends. Both were sitting on soft grassy-carpeted floor. Little animals scurried to and fro in the shade around them. Crickets further broke the silence between the two. Allen, on an impulse, turned to face Kanda and kissed his cheek, as the samurai was about to turn his face to the side. He had been watching the swordsman who had been sitting cross-legged in a tense position and his head straight to the front, knowing that the swordsman did not know how to act towards him now…

The samurai quickly turned his head towards Allen; his eyes wide open in shock and disbelieving surprise. His mind blank, the samurai just blurted out roughly.

"What the fuck did you just _do_?!?"

Allen smiled shyly at the bewildered samurai. He had so many things to say, he had so many things to tell. Where to begin? Where do you start with a conversation like this? Allen pondered inwardly… A wrong word could set a temper to fly, a harsh word for an eye to cry and the right word bringing acceptance and forgiveness. The noise of the forest faded into the background as wary dark blue met soft silver.

"I'm… I'm sorry for what I said to you last time, about your family. I didn't mean it and… I know you were trying your best. I was stupid and I'd…like your help in overcoming my fears. You…you mean a lot to me, Kanda and even though you probably don't feel the same way, I do want you by my side. And also…I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for what happened all those months ago. Can we…maybe start over?" Allen's voice died down at the suspicious look on Kanda's face. The young General took a deep breath and tried starting anew.

"We could do what Komui-san said, learn to forgive and forget. I mean, knowing us, we'd probably fight over everything but we'd be going through it together right?" Allen's voice started to quieten hesitantly.

"I mean, it's okay if you don't want to! I know that I really had said some stupid things but…"

"Tch. It seems we were both stupid, Baka Moyashi. For now, it's time to move on," Kanda softly answered, cutting off the younger that had been about to ramble on; not looking at the other.

Smiling, Allen slid closer to Kanda and laid his head on the elder's shoulder, preventing the older from just moving away when he realised what Allen was about to do. The dark-haired wasn't quite sure what to do. Tensing slightly, he hunched his shoulders inwardly but Allen made no move to remove his head. Allen waited for the samurai to relax and made his breathing as slow and soothing as possible. Kanda slowly relaxed and settled down again as he realised that the white-haired had really meant his apology. He had thought that the younger was going to start something. The two sat in silence, letting the sounds and sights of the place wash over them in a rush of cool freshness. The elder's meaning was clear in his words. They had both been stupid. But they'd made the first step together, and now it was time for the next… Allen had forgiven Kanda, and Kanda had forgiven him but the most important thing of all was that Kanda was finally beginning to forgive himself.

Now, all that was left for both of them to take the next step forward…

-

**A/N: Why is "Belonging In Your Arms" the title? This title is based on a game I used to play in camps. It is basically a game of trust when you are on a higher platform and you are asked to turn backwards, close your eyes and cross your arms over your chest. There will be someone below and you'll have to lean backwards and fall into that person's arms. The objective of the game is basically to trust and have faith in your partner to let him catch you.**

**This follows the concept of Kanda and Allen, at the end,** **having to take a chance and just fall into each other's arms just by trust and faith.**

**PLEASE DO REVIEW IF YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO SPARE.**

**Kanda and Allen shaped cookies and brownies to all those who review! Please do tell me your comments and feedback, yeah? See you next time! **

**Thank you for reading! (:**


	12. Not A Weakness

**A/N: Hello to you all once again! Now, I think I shall begin by answering a few questions that have been posed to me by some of my reviewers or my beta so that you all can better understand my twisted story and also me. (:**

**Allen: The character that Allen is portrayed in the manga and many stories are as a victim. I actually did the same at the start to show his struggles as a teenager growing up in that sort of environment where one has to defend for himself.**

**It has been said that his cheerful disposition was a way of him defending himself from the brutality of the world he lived in, considering that when Mana found him, he was crude and harsh. I wanted him to be more 'human' in a way. I want him to have the imbalanced hormones of a teen, the angst and all those things that we dealt growing up. He is angel-like so I want to dig deeper and show the other darker side. Basically, I want to make him feel like a proper teenager.**

**Kanda: Okay, about his past… As I've said previously, I wrote that half-asleep. I have NO CLUE why that was inside my chapter. My Alien Mom thinks that it's just my weird alien genes showing through, and I'm inclined to believe her.**

**LOL okay anyway, as I realised I couldn't take that out, I decided to develop it more. Umm, my point is the same I guess. I hate seeing how Kanda's always the bastard. I mean, it's fine and all but you got to give that samurai a break once in a while! So I decided to actually **_**give**_** Kanda a reason to hate the world. About the person he was searching for, I'll be elaborating more on that in this chapter.**

**This story: No, it did not end. There are still MANY more chapters to come. So jump for joy people! 'Cause I'm not done yet haha! Umm the reason it took so long was that I got very frustrated with writer's block so I shut myself out from MSN and writing, read other fanfics non-stop until I got my motivation back. Yes, I'm an arse for that, I know ): But it's done now! XD**

**Okaay… Enough of explanations! There will be another note below so PLEASE read it (:**

**As usual, thanks to Ammy for content beta and Juraimy for his awesome ideas (: A new addition would be my grammar beta, Kiracookies!**

**Also, THANK YOU to Ribbonseal for being my 160****th**** reviewer! All my hugs and love to all my reviewers out there! Your reviews make me buzz in delight and dance around in my room like an idiot… LOL**

**To Zerokanda, thank you for your help in this chapter!**

**Lellitoe: Hello dear! Sampai dah nak habis eh, raya? Haha Sorry lambat. Selamat Hari raya to you too! Thank you for your continuous support!!**

**Juraimy: As always, you've helped me a lot ((: Your review is so deeply appreciated. I'm well now so thanks!**

**-**

From the window, it looked like a scene from a postcard. A blanket of pure white snow on the ground, unblemished by footsteps, icicles hanging from tree branches glistening and glittering as they decorated the trees filling the view of those who looked through the window. The sky, a cloudy blue with clouds trailing along it like cotton candy as it swirled around in patterns, shapes and images. Rays of warm and comforting sunshine lit up the view clearly as it showed a picture perfect view of the winter wonderland created by nature. A perfect picture. A perfect day.

Warm breath gusted over the windowpane as it misted up the view from the training room. Kanda looked away…

Five days had gone by since he had _finally _made up with Allen. A wondrous feat indeed, considering the extent of their enmity when they had first met each other! It was only too bad that dreams of his disownment from his uncle had started again. The samurai had thought that he'd conquered those long ago but apparently he hadn't. Though it was a period of his life that just deserved to be kept deep within, it was something that he himself had to carry and Kanda had resigned himself to that fate. The dreams hadn't appeared for a long time but he knew it was inevitable.

After all, it was too much to hope for that the sins within him would be washed away even after serving in the Order. He knew that the Moyashi still had tons of questions to ask, the foremost was that why did he, Kanda Yuu, forgive him so easily? After all, his well-known attitude with almost everyone; scratch that, _everyone_, had probably made everyone doubt their making up after the volcanic outburst he'd had with Allen last week.

Frankly, Kanda had been tired. He'd been too tired of fighting with the brat or anyone for that matter. All he wanted was some peace… It wasn't too much to ask for, right? Wrong. It's him. Of course, it fucking is! After all the misunderstandings and all the fighting which had tipped the precarious emotional balance within him, why not make a decision that would leave him with some peace. Something that'll tell him that he'd made the right choice for once after so many mistakes. To be the bigger person and stop this vicious cycle of hurting one another. Kanda tched at the thoughts in his head and rolled his eyes mentally in disgust. Apparently, he was getting soft and mushy in his head.

Well, self-pity wasn't going to help him anytime soon! Kanda finally moved away from the window and settled down in a meditating pose at the corner of the training room. Relaxing his body and clearing his mind, Kanda drifted away in a sea of calmness that he always felt as he went into his meditative state.

-

Lavi turned away from the view of the enticing scenery out of the window before slowly crawling back among the tall, swaying piles of ancient books that he was supposedly to memorize. He groaned at the amount of the books he had to memorize by the end of the week. Sitting down on the most uncomfortable chair he could find, Lavi pulled a book to him and opened it. As he looked at the miniscule handwriting that was scrawled through the entire page, the redhead slammed his head forward into the pages of a book as he contemplated his sad life as the Bookman Apprentice. A headache started pounding through his head at the sudden impact. Really, how much information did one need in battles and wars anyway? Did one spout off facts from a book when facing the Earl or Noahs?

Letting out a gust of air, he sat up straight once again. The redhead began reading, word after word, line after line, paragraph after paragraph until all the words melded together and began to sound like gibberish in his head. His mind started drifting away to more pressing matters, as the book lay long forgotten.

Allen and Kanda.

As a Bookman in training, Lavi had an insatiable curiosity with things that he did not know. The major questions that had been in his mind all week were what had Kanda gone through to be in a walking catatonic state? What had Allen said to trigger Kanda back to normal? Many questions had also popped up when Yuu-chan and Moyashi-chan had returned together five days ago after a brief time on the forest. To everyone else, everything finally seemed well between the two and the Order could finally rest in peace.

Kanda was now back to his normal surly and crude behavior and Allen was back to his cheerful and happy disposition. But what lay beneath? To those who really knew the two, also known as _him_, would be able to recognize that Kanda was actually more subdued than usual and that Allen's cheerfulness seemed a little forced. It had been five days since they had supposedly made up but conversation was sparse and awkward. Kanda had taken back his part, taking turns with him to stay the night with Allen, but nothing else showed that a truce had been made!

Something had become a barrier between the two… Something that Kanda wasn't ready to share and had something to do with Allen. Having observed the two, he had noticed that Kanda spent more and more time on his meditation and even then, a frown retained when before that was the only time you could see Kanda pull off a calm expression. Allen sighed more and more, and though he was now more well tempered like he was before, he seemed troubled by something and tried covering it up with smiles. All wasn't really well between the two even though both were hiding that from everyone.

But _Lavi _knew better.

-

Komui sat down in his office with both Lenalee and Reever, staring out of the windows at the spectacular view. Gazing mournfully at the sight, he turned around; only to have a sheaf of papers thrust into his face to be signed as Reever attempted to clear the room. Walking through a paper maze, Lenalee laughed as she served a cup of coffee to her brother, scolding him affectionately. It felt like a normal day in the Order.

Fixing his glasses, Komui finally started doing his work. He was happy right now. His pride and joy, Lenalee, had finally returned from her mission late in the night and was now by his side. So far, he'd done a quite a feat in resorting through the mission specs in delegating the extra missions to the other Exorcists! Right now though, it was time to put both Kanda and Lavi back into the game. The Supervisor could not take much longer in letting his most experienced Exorcists stay in the Order continuously. Right now, it was time that Kanda and Lavi took turns in doing missions, ensuring that someone is always with Allen. There, a compromise!

Flinging his pen down, Komui did a happy dance as he contemplated the next Komurin to build. His eyes all dreamy, Reever and Lenalee finally gave up coaxing him to do more work as they stared in exasperation at the mad scientist.

The door to Komui's office opened with a bang!

Two new Finders, stationed in Wiltshire appeared through the door with a box at hand. Komui, who was snapped out of his lovely dream, sighed sadly as more work was headed his way. Sitting down on his chair behind the huge desk, he waved the two visitors forward to the couch in the middle of a sea full of paper. Looking all-important, he asked the Finders to recount their tale. The Finders, without further ado, launched in a tale full of mystery, captivating the other three in the room.

As the tale ended, Komui was more intrigued than ever! What was that lovely box in their hands had to do with the tale? Komui turned to Reever, asking him to bring the Bookman and the Bookman Apprentice from the library. Komui turned to his younger sister to speak, when Allen knocked and came through the door.

The mad scientist quickly changed his mind. Ahah! A victim to do his work for him! Komui's eyes glinted with pleasure and mischief. Allen quickly put the paperwork that he did on the table and turned to leave the hell out of the room! Only to be stopped, as he was sweetly ordered to bring Kanda from the training rooms to the office! Giving an innocent smile, he shooed Allen out of the room and asked his lovely younger sister for a refill of coffee. There was no way that he was going to make _his _sister walk all the way to the other side of the buildings to the training rooms and _leave _Lenalee with Kanda alone. Who _knows _what perverted things Kanda would do to his lovely innocent sister?

Kanda could just be some horny pervert that he didn't know. A bang of a clipboard on his head by Lenalee stopped his evil laughter.

"Lenalee!!!"

-

Allen sighed as he trudged towards the training rooms, where he was sure he'd find the resident ebony-haired samurai. He felt conflicted. Very conflicted...

For one, why was _he _the scapegoat for fetching Kanda all the way from the training rooms? Certainly, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. The white-haired was quite sure that Komui's aim in life was to make everyone do his work for him and leave all his free time to his sister, his ridiculous experiments and coffee.

Allen sighed once again, it seems that his sighing was becoming a frequent habit. It was a strange thing happening between Kanda and him. Things were progressing much better after the incident in the forest. But, it was as if a huge glass wall were separating them. What was that glass wall?

He could definitely say that guilt still remained in him, even after Kanda had said he forgave him. But what made Allen feel even guiltier was the doubt in him concerning Kanda's forgiveness. Why did Kanda forgive him so easily? Why didn't he hold a grudge against Allen for all the things he had done? What made the samurai forgive him so easily?

Certainly, they saw each other almost everyday and Kanda had almost acted normally towards him. But there was this gut feeling within him that made him question that normal behavior. Somehow, it felt wrong…

There was something that Kanda was keeping from all of them…not just him! Something that had made Kanda become catatonic for a while and that was now keeping him from acting normally towards everyone. Allen shook his head. Knowing the older teen, he might _never _ever know what was wrong unless Kanda himself voiced out his own problems.

Knowing Kanda's attitude, the possibility of that happening was more like Komui allowing Lenalee to get married…

*****

_(In The Supervisor's Office)_

"A new Innocence just arrived all the way from Wiltshire, near Stonehenge, by two new Finders that were recently posted there. There had been reports of strange happenings there but it hadn't meant anything to the villagers there as Stonehenge actually is known for witchcraft and all that," Komui started explaining as soon as Lavi and the Senior Bookman sat down.

"So… Basically, someone decided that the happenings meant something?" Lavi asked curiously.

Bookman sat up straight and asked gravely, "The people themselves who were practicing these things were the ones that called us, correct? There had to be conditions and all attached, wasn't it?"

Komui looked at both in irritation a their interruption. "Yes, these people were the one to call us. They who practice the Celtic culture are called Druids. What the Finders found was that these people learn by oral literature, meaning they have no written records. All are learnt by memorization. Apparently, there was a song that was passed down by a druid priest of a box that would one day end up in our hands, specifically, a swordsman's hands," he said.

"The Innocence had been handed over but a condition that it had to be kept in a sealed box where only a samurai could open the box. This had been warned beforehand in an ominous voice that none of the Finders had tried to do otherwise." Komui continued in a brisk voice.

"So have you tried breaking it?" Lavi asked with a mischievous glint in his eye.

Komui nodded sheepishly with Reever and Lenalee snorting in amusement. True, Komui _had_ tried to try with his drills and countless sharp things but the box, refused to open. Komui cleared his throat in embarrassment.

"Since Kanda was the only resident samurai here right now, Allen had been dispatched to find both Kanda in the training rooms. Those two in the corner as you can see, are our two new Finders." Komui started to speak again.

*****

Allen finally reached the training rooms, panting slightly. Poking his head inside, he found that Kanda had just finished his training. The younger teen sighed in happiness. Kanda was always more cranky if you interrupted his meditation!

"Kanda, are you done?" Allen went inside cautiously.

Kanda's head snapped up and looked at Allen for a moment and scowled before strapping Mugen to his waist. "Tch, Baka Moyashi. Can't you see that I'm done? What is it now?"

"Komui-san asked me to fetch you from the training rooms. Come on, let's go!" Allen said cheerfully, masking the awkwardness within.

Kanda grumbled all the way but he followed Allen all the way. Allen, as per normal, laughed and teased him endlessly. In his mind, he was wondering what else did the idiot scientist wanted with him. If it was as an experiment again, he was seriously going to blast his top! He was _not _a damn thing to be experimented on.

-

As soon as Kanda entered Komui's office, a blinding white light came out of the box, enfolding the samurai and his katana…bringing them closer together. Everyone shielded his or her eyes except for one swordsman whose eyes were wide open but blank. Something was urging him forward from the inside towards the box…

With no choice but to obey, Kanda stepped forward until he was right in front of the box. The box was intricate in its design with runes etched all over it in a swirling pattern. Carvings of leaves and flowers ran down the sides, creating a pretty picture. What was this box? Why did it invoke such feelings of peace within him? But then all these thoughts stopped as _something _made his hand move and press his beloved Mugen to the keyhole of the box. A gust of wind was suddenly created and the papers that normally littered the office floor whirled around Kanda. His hair tie snapped but it was the least of his worries! A blue light softly covered Mugen to its hilt when it all stopped.

The box…opened.

A small voice began to fill the room as a globe emerged from the box, showing a screen that began to show something.

"_Chichi-ue? Nani? Whe-where are we going?" A sleepy voice exclaimed. The place was dark, with only a small-lit candle for light. A small room was further revealed. An older boy lay beside, in a deep sleep and unaware of both the little boy and the man. A man that was shaking the boy awake, his movements getting rougher by the minute._

"_Get up, Yuu!" The man whispered impatiently._

"_H-Hai, Chichi-ue…" The young boy yawned and got up in slow movements, belying his sleepiness at being roused. The man took the younger's hand and dragged him away from the warm room. The older man led the boy out to a big pond, far away from the house. The man walked with a furious speed, making the younger version of Kanda stumble along. This went on for a long time until both were finally far away from the house. They stopped in front of a big pond._

_Kanda, more awake now, turned to his father in confusion. He opened his mouth and asked, "Chichi-ue? Why are we here? Why-"_

_Without even finishing his sentence, Kanda was pushed in headfirst into the pond by his father. Trying to resurface, Kanda tried to scream and started struggling with all his might. The man started cursing the flailing boy, with lines etched on his face and his eyes glittering with madness._

"_Die! Die! Die! You are a disgrace to the family! You ruined our lives! You made our entire village suffer! Because of you, I lost my job! Because of you, we are going to even lose our house! What else can we lose unless you don't die? Die!!!" The man screamed, his voice drowning the boy's cries. Too far out for anyone to hear, the man continued to let his son remain submerged in the water. Slowly, the loss of oxygen got to Kanda's head. His arms and legs moved lesser and lesser. Breathing and screams turned to labored pants. The small head fell limply to the side. The man slowly let him go._

"_Chi-Chichi-ue…" Kanda breathed out very slowly. It took enormous strength to even say that one word. His face, chalky pale with the lack of oxygen stood out sharply against the darkness of the water. Small lungs that were slowly giving up on the body._

"_Sumimasen, Yuu…" The man whispered as he walked away, leaving his son for the dead._

The image on the screen froze for a minute and turned blank. A new image appeared and the image became clear…

"_Your parents didn't want you! Your entire village didn't want you and I DON'T NEED YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK! How dare you ask me to show you your parents' graves? You don't deserve to know them! You don't deserve anything!" Kanda's uncle screamed, his spittle rained on a younger Kanda's face._

"_Please…" Kanda begged, holding onto the man's clothes as the spit trickled down his face. Blue eyes were tinged with desperation and misery clearly seen. His face was pale and he winced at the scornful words._

"_Let me see my parents, just once would be enough! I just… I just want to see their graves. I… I want to be-beg for…for-forgiveness from th-them! Please, Oji-sama. Let me see their graves… Please…" A 6-year-old Kanda asked tearfully as tears filled his almond-shaped eyes. His uncle just looked down on him and glared hatefully at him, fear and hate radiated from the adult and snatched his clothes away from the disease that dared call himself his nephew. _He___had _no _nephew! About to answer, his eyes widened as Kanda knelt down respectfully in front of him. A whisper was heard, which his uncle strained to hear._

"_Will…will you take me in your family? I've…never had a family before! I'll help you do whatever you want, I'll…I'll do _anything_! Just, please take me away from the Order. I'll be a good nephew… I'll grow up and rebuild the town I burnt! I'll… I'll make you proud! I'll do my best to change… I'll make you trust me! Just…please give me a chance, Oji-sama. Please…give me a chance. Just one chance," the boy whispered. Hope tainted the small voice. Oh how the 6-year-old longed for someone to want him, for him to have a family. He dared not look up at his uncle, waiting anxiously for his uncle's response._

_His voice snapped up at the sound of his uncle's voice._

_A deadly whisper ensued; hate totally colouring the voice._

"_I will __**never **__want you. Get back to that __**freak**__ of a circus you were travelling with! You are __**nobody**__,__** a nothing**__! __**No one **__will ever want you. You are better off,__** dead! **__Your existence was____a__** mistake**__! Why in the fucking hell would __**I **__want you? I'd rather see you dead. No matter what you do, you will __**never **__be any nephew of mine. I'd rather __**die **__than see you in my family or my house. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT NOW!" Kanda's uncle screamed and spit on his nephew again._

_Blue eyes slowly filled up but none of the tears fell. It took massive effort but he made it work. He wasn't going to cry, he wasn't! The 6-year-old's heart crashed to the ground in millions of little pieces, which were then disintegrated into dust, blown away by the wind of heart-wrenching reality. A hard lump formed in Kanda's throat, making it hard for him to swallow as his eyes continued to fill. His shoulders slumped from the blow as he sat, devastated beyond his darkest nightmare. Spit trailed down his face as a large hand jerked his ponytail back roughly. Wincing slightly, the young samurai met his uncle's eyes bravely. Black eyes met his gaze with a dangerous and malicious spark within._

"_You know what, you little piece of shit? I think I'll actually be _nice _and let you see your parents' graves… How about that? But there are a few conditions that you have to go through first. How about that? Aren't I nice… What do you say, fucker?" His uncle breathed into his ear._

_Kanda nodded, pain filled his eyes as his uncle lifted him by his hair and dragged him through the courtyard of his uncle's traditional Japanese house. They passed perfectly trimmed bonsai trees and the colourful sea of flowers that were planted near the entrance of the house. A small pond with dragonflies dancing in the air and water lilies passed them but even that couldn't hold Kanda's gaze. Servants avoided them like plague as the man pulled his nephew along like a bag of garbage. Never hearing the pleas that spilled from his nephew or the whispers of the servants that watched the two leave…_

"_Let me go!" Kanda continued to yell. "I can walk by myself! Stop! Please!" All the training into making him as emotionless as possible was thrown away without a thought. Why didn't his uncle want him? He wasn't good enough? He wasn't smart enough? What? His childish mind tried his best to comprehend but his mind couldn't believe what had been said._

_His uncle let go of him at last, flinging him to the ground without a care in the world. The young samurai fell down with a thump in front of two graves. They were in a family graveyard, where all family members that were recognised were given their burial here. Kanda's blue eyes widened at the sight, scrambling towards the graves. "Chichi-ue! Okaa-san!" he breathed out, overwhelmed. Finally, he could see his parents! After all these years…_

_He was jerked back by the pull of his collar._

"_Nu uh uh… Did you remember the conditions I told you about?" The man mocked, ignoring Kanda's scowl. Apprehension and fear filled the boy as the man gave him a smirk that promised pain and total humiliation._

"_The conditions that I have for you are very simple…" His uncle cooed. "There are only three… First, you let me do whatever I want to do to you. Second, you kowtow down to me three times. Third, in front of your parents' graves and me, say that you are a freak and a jinx that just deserves nothing and __**mean it**__! You will __**disown **__yourself in front of Heaven and Earth" His uncle said with a calm voice, emphasising on the last part. His uncle continued, "Then, you will leave me alone and never come back. You will be disowned and never be able to get buried in the family graveyard. Any inheritance that you might have will be given away and your name will __**never **__be connected to us ever again. Abide by these conditions, and you get to spend some time with your departed parents. Refuse; and you will be personally thrown out and you will not see your parents at all…"_

_He looked at the small boy at his feet, "Agreed?"_

_Kanda stood up, his head bowed down…_

_He heard his uncle chuckle maliciously before a huge blow to his stomach made him lurch forward. His uncle laughed and laughed as Kanda was hit repeatedly. Kanda did not make a sound…knowing his uncle wanted to hear that the most. Unfortunately for Kanda, he didn't know that his uncle had been trained as a soldier of the Emperor's army. His uncle knew where to hit him where it would hurt the most but seen the least._

_Finally, a cry was wrung from Kanda's throat as his uncle lifted him up by the neck. The man felt no pity for the struggling boy as he strangled the child. With a sudden movement, the retired soldier flung his nephew to the ground where he told Kanda in a gentle voice, "That was only the beginning, dear __**nephew**__. Now, kowtow down to me and kiss my feet. _Three _times,"_

_Hiccupping slightly as tears and snot ran down the pale face as he slowly crawled to his uncle's feet. It hurt, everything hurt. He crawled slowly as his body screamed in protest from his moving around. Air was struggling to pass through the bruised ring around his throat where his uncle had strangled him. As he finally reached his uncle's feet, the man kicked his shoulder, causing the young samurai to slump down to the ground with a wretched cry. It hurt so bad… His uncle snarled at him and Kanda quickly moved to comply. Kowtowing three times, Kanda kissed his uncle's feet all the while with the man calling him different vile names and physically abusing his nephew where the accursed Exorcist Uniform hid his body._

_Finally…the last condition._

_Kanda's uncle stared at him, waiting for the words._

"_Wi-with Heav-Heaven an-and Ear-Earth as wit-witness, in fro-front of O-Oji-Sama, Chi-Chichi-Ue and O-Okaa-san", Kanda's voice cracked pitifully as tears continued to trickle out of his eyes. "I-I, Kan-Kanda Yuu, am a fre-freak, a-a jin-jinx, an-and I do no-not deserve an-any lo-love, fam-family no-nor hon-honour. I-I deserve noth-nothing. I ha-have dis-disgraced m-my pa-parents an-and tar-tarnished th-the fam-family hon-honour. M-May He-Heaven an-and Ear-Earth wit-witness th-that I, Ka-Kanda Yuu ha-have be-been dis-disowned b-by Oji-sama," Kanda gasped out as he tumbled to the ground, numb. He had publicly disowned himself. No family… No honour… He had nothing to his name now except for Mugen that his uncle had refused to take, saying that the family heirloom was now tainted._

"_Go… And never come back" His uncle looked away from the sight of his nephew no longer and left, leaving a weeping child in the graveyard with wounds so deep. Self- loathing filled the space where the crushed heart used to be as Kanda looked at the retreating figure of his uncle. The 6-year-old crawled to his parents' graves and tearfully apologised over and over, berating himself and pleading for their forgiveness. Time soon passed by… Kanda had finally stopped, choosing to kneel in front of his parents' graves. Tear tracks had dried as Kanda wiped off the snot with his sleeve. The young boy slowly picked himself up, wincing as he did so and examined his surroundings…_

"_No one cares," the 6-year-old boy whispered as the self-loathing within increased. His blue eyes hardened to the colour of black ice. It just wasn't fair… It just wasn't…_

"_No one ever does…"_

-

_Kanda looked up at his teacher as he knelt on his knees respectfully, Mugen across his knees. "Sensei, you said you knew something about the curse that has befallen me. Was this why I was disowned? Was this also why I apparently survived the drowning? Please… Tell me the truth," Kanda said gravely, nothing betraying his calm and straight posture, except for the tightening around his eyes and mouth and the clenching of his fists._

"_Why do you want to know, young one? What if you weren't meant to know?" His teacher asked in return, gazing in concern at his protégé._

"_Sensei, this curse concerns me. My life! I…I deserve to know if my life is to be determined by the Heavens. I have a right to know. Not knowing…will make things worse. At the very least, I can stop people from dying because of me…" Kanda began harshly before finally ending softly, almost a whisper._

_The man sighed in resignation. How could he deny this boy when he has suffered so? Especially when the cause of his suffering was his own family? "I am afraid for you, young one. What if this knowledge consumes you and you live your life determined by it? You should concentrate on having a childhood as normal as possible and grow up to be a man that everyone can be proud of!"_

_Kanda looked up and gave his sensei the saddest smile anyone had ever seen and replied softly, "Sensei, there is no such thing as a childhood for me. I never had a childhood in the first place. My own father tried to drown me, Sensei. I have no one. If I need somebody to be proud of me, I hope you will be the one…"_

_His teacher knelt down with a thump to the wooden training floor. I will be honored to be the one! I am already very proud of you, young one,"_

"_Arigatou, Sensei… Will you tell me about this curse of mine?" Kanda replied respectfully, with his eyes shining. His teacher nodded and sat down beside his student. "This curse on you was not your fault, Kanda-kun. This was your grandfather's fault… I do not know what he did but he had angered someone extremely powerful. That person cursed your grandfather! It was said that the person said that his fourth grandson would be the ruin of the family and the people around, a man immortal but his life measured by petals. Unfortunately, you were the one to be the fourth grandson."_

_Kanda kept quiet for a long moment before asking the most important question that had been on his mind, "Is there any way to remove the curse from me?"_

_His teacher grasped his shoulder and squeezed it in a gesture of sympathy. "You have to find this person and ask him to remove this curse from you. As long as you cannot find him, your life will be forfeit to the petals that bound you. I will tell you what I can but the rest, will be up to you…"_

Finally, the globe disappeared and the room was silent. The box remained open. Kanda crumpled to the ground, the light no longer holding him up. His eyes wide open with horror and his breathing coming out in harsh pants, he scrambled back to his feet. Just _one _word made him run out of the office without looking back.

"Ka-Kanda…" Lavi and Allen gasped together.

*****

Everyone stared in horror at the box. What was this box? What had happened? Was what they saw real? Were those Kanda's real memories?

Reever slowly inched forward, looking into the box. Innocence lay inside with a piece of paper inside. Reaching for the piece of paper, he handed the piece of Innocence to Komui for safekeeping. Allen, Lavi and Lenalee were still frozen at their places. Bookman was smiling in triumph, as if he had solved a mysterious problem. The two Finders were busy whispering to each other in hurried whispers and Reever was busy reading that piece of paper.

"What's that piece of paper, Reever-san?" One of the Finders asked.

Reever's head snapped up in surprise. He gave a hysterical laugh tinged with shock, "Listen, this is what the letter says," He cleared his throat and began.

_To whomever it concerns,_

_By now, you would have found out the effects of opening the box. The Druid priest who foresaw this event has allowed us to explain what has happened in order to prevent any misunderstandings._

_The Innocence that you now hold was one that came into our hands around fifty years ago. We had to wait until the right person to come along and the right person to open the box. When we received the box, the Innocence was already inside and no matter what we did, we could not open it. We were then told that we weren't the ones to open the box. A swordsman, in years to come, will be the one to open it._

_His worst and most powerful memories will be needed to open it. The box will make the swordsman feel as if he has no choice but to go near the box. Those memories shown are real. We do not know why it is needed for this swordsman to open the box but our Druid priest commands us to do so._

_Our last advice is that should the swordsman be able to overcome these memories, he will be stronger than ever and more powerful than he can imagine. Help him overcome these obstacles and you will not regret it._

_Yours truly,  
The Ancient Order Of Druids_

Silence returned to the office. Komui's eyes turned bright and said fervently, "We _need _to help Kanda-kun. Now who's with me?"

Everyone nodded in agreement and suddenly; the office was abuzz with plans and all kinds of ideas on how to help Kanda. It was their one chance to help Kanda; the only time that they had seen Kanda's weaknesses and were given the chance to help him!

*****

"Kanda? Are you okay?" Allen said softly as he slowly approached Kanda at their place in the forest. Kanda was sitting alone with his head on his knees, Mugen beside him. His long hair was untied and covered him like a curtain surrounding his head and knees.

Everything was silent in the forest, even the birds. Little light travelled through the canopy of leaves, making Kanda blend into the background. The samurai did not move when he heard the younger, rather, he seemed to shrink into himself and tried to make himself smaller! "Go away, Moyashi!" he retorted, his voice muffled by his knees.

Allen gave a small smile. "No way, BaKanda. I'm not going anywhere…"

The young General sat beside the samurai who refused to budge. "You know, having worst memories isn't a weakness unless you let it to be. Those memories will actually make you stronger in time to come. It'll only hold you back unless you face it straight on. As long as you acknowledge it, you can work to improving yourself and then you'll be stronger for it!"

Kanda slowly lifted his head. "And what would _you _know about it!" he asked rudely. Allen settled himself as close to the samurai as he could, without getting killed and said quietly, "Everyone has bad memories, you know. Even me… My worst memory was when Mana died and the Earl appeared before me. The fact that I almost _condemned _him to becoming an Akuma for the rest of his existence, had to listen to him saying how disappointed he was in me and that he _hated _me and also that _I _had to kill him with _my_ own hands. He even cursed me! The point is…it was hard. He was my father, you know? It took me a long time to try to even forgive myself,"

Kanda began to pay attention. He knew about this. He himself had admitted, deep inside, that Allen and he were quite similar. That the people they loved the most had left them… In fact, _he _was the one that told Allen that Mana would've been proud of him if he were alive now!

"You were the one who finally made it possible to forgive myself, you know… Before that, my only purpose was to never stop moving and keep moving forward no matter what. But you made me open my eyes and let me appreciate what I have now. I have Tim, you, Lavi and the Order behind me! Do you remember what you said?" Allen continued on.

"Yeah, I remember…" Kanda replied hoarsely.

Allen looked at him in the eye and gave a gentle smile. Hesitating for a moment, Allen finally decided to run his fingers through Kanda's long and silky hair gently, as if a caress. Kanda looked at him, bewildered. Why is he _stroking _my hair? Does he have a death wish or something?

Allen softly told him, " It's okay to be scared. Everyone gets scared…"

Lavi started coming out from behind some trees. As soon as Kanda caught sight of the redhead, he tried to jerk his head away from Allen's fingers. But Allen caught Kanda's shoulders with his free hand and shook his head meaningfully. He didn't want Kanda to run anymore. He didn't want Kanda to hide and face it alone. The samurai helped him so much! Now it was his turn to help. It was _their _turn to help him now.

"My worst memory was when that Noah Road trapped me in her dream world. To know that I might have killed everyone and that I almost lost everyone because I was to be a Bookman without a heart really shook me up. To see the people whom I'd grown to like and become a part of my life, it was horrifying for me! Till now, I still get nightmares about it sometimes," Lavi gravely said as he sat down at the other side of Kanda.

Kanda looked at his childhood friend in a different way, "It scared you? It gave you nightmares too?" His voice, soft and fragile. Lavi looked at him and grinned. "Yeah, it scared me a lot, especially at night because her dream world was as dark. I had nightmares for quite some time but eventually, I got over it."

Lavi cheerfully added, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

Lenalee and Komui slowly emerged from the same trees where Lavi came through. Both shared their worst experiences with Kanda. Lenalee told Kanda of how her worst memories were when the Order had taken her away from her brother and how they had made her the subject of their cruel experiments. She shared how scared she'd felt and that until now; the experiences remained a deep scar inside her. How until now, she was still healing from those deep and painful memories.

Komui began after his sister, telling how his life seemed meaningless after they had taken away his sister! His pain, when he finally got into the Order and found his sister in such a pitiful state. Seeing his sister so depressed had made him stay on and promise himself to _never _leave her side ever again.

Kanda listened as all of them shared their experiences with him. He listened as every one of them shared their secret fears and how they dealt with these fears. Haltingly, and with lots of encouragement from the others, Kanda told his worst memories and began healing himself. Komui and Lenalee helped him to realise that his curse was _not _his fault and he wasn't to be held responsible. Lavi lessened his humiliation and pain of sharing his experiences by encouraging him and distracting him from the pain. Somehow along the way, Kanda found his head against Allen's shoulder! The younger teen was petting and stroking his head. As soon as Kanda had stiffened in his realisation, Allen began to talk soothingly and slowly began to relax the older teen. Nobody even bat an eyelid but still… Never stopping his stroking, Allen made Kanda feel safe for the first time in his life. Showing him that he was allowed happiness and that he deserved it!

For a long time, the five souls sat in that space in the forest. Talking, they found themselves healing their old and new scars. Finding an inner peace within themselves, it was not only the swordsman that grew stronger, it was _all _of them.

-

_(At the training room)_

Kanda, Allen and Lavi were sprawled on the floor like a bunch of beached whales, panting with exhaustion and dripping with sweat. A burden lifted of his shoulders; Kanda let a small smile flicker across his face before he looked at Allen.

They had spent the entire afternoon practising in the training rooms together. Scared of growing out of practise, Allen had asked the older two to challenge him in every physical way. Allen was pushed to his limit! He found himself really being tested to limit of his capabilities and made to think out of the box as he had to devise new ways to overcome the two older teen who had had more experience than him!

Though glowing with the exertion of their mock fights, Allen was getting much thinner by the day. The Head Nurse had commanded that both Kanda and Lavi get him on a normal diet as soon as possible. Both weren't stupid though to refute the orders, none _dared _to cross the woman, not even Komui! Feeling someone poking at his side, Kanda rolled to his side to find Lavi poking at him, motioning towards the brat that lay across them.

"We're going to get through your fears, Moyashi, starting from tomorrow," Kanda stated gruffly as he watched Allen flinch slightly at Lavi's touch before relaxing minutely. Lavi gave a bright smile and exclaimed, "Starting with food!"

Allen blanched at the thought of being forced to eat again. He had heard what the nurse had said but really… How was he to eat?

Kanda and Lavi just looked at him calmly and said it at the same time; " We'll get through it together, you idiot!"

-

**A/N: Hello again! Now, I was really happy when you guys passed the 160****th**** mark because I didn't really celebrate my 100****th**** review. Now… A challenge for you people! **

**Give me 200 reviews and I shall reward you all with a SMUTTY sequel to 'What's This, Kanda?' For those who have not read my profile, this will show a darker and sexier side of Allen as he surprises Kanda for their 1****st**** year anniversary. Will feature our delightful ignorant samurai and the scheming kitten, Kanda and Allen! **

**Nice reward, right? (: So people, PLEASE do drop me a review. The more you review, the faster you'll get this story… This does not mean I'll be holding back chapters from this story though; it's just a nice incentive, ne? XD**

**Have a nice weekend!**


	13. One More Bite

**This fic is purely of my own creation using the characters of Hoshino Sensei. I just use the characters and I own nothing except for plot. Please don't sue me! I'm trying to save up to buy myself an ipod with the cheap Christmas sale. ((:**

**A/N: This chapter was slow in coming out was because it reminded me of my struggles when I had my eating disorder. It took a lot for me to open up and release all these feelings. I actually wanted to fake it but my beta encouraged me so thank her! *round of applause***

**Bear in mind that this is in the mind of a person with an eating disorder. This was my point of view. To others, eating might not be a problem but for some, it is a struggle between the mind and the body. **

**To those of you who review, thank you from the bottom of my hearts (: You guys make my day, truly. You guys really motivated me to continue on and persevere. Please do continue to help me along with this story.**

**Thank you to Ammy (my beta), Erendyce (alien mom) and Alcoholic Tree (my FF wife). You guys rock my socks off!**

**PS: All reviews will be replied soon. I now have a bout of flu and resemble a sloth in its sleeping habits. This is what happens when you have to send you aunt to the emergency room at 1am and return at almost 7am in a shitty cold room blasting air-com at below 12 degrees. T.T *blows nose* Hope I get better soon… **

Lellitoe: Hello you (: No, it was some sort of prophecy that was dictated by the Druids. It's just a prophecy that had him. I doubt the Druids realize that they had made things more chaotic! It was basically a coincidence. LOL I'm so sorry you cried though! *hands tissues*

**Happy Reading! ((:**

**-**

Allen sat down at one of the tables in the cafeteria with a pale face and sweaty palms with Lavi by his side. So far, this was the _first _time he'd stepped into the cafeteria since the two older male Exorcists discovered his eating habits. His body was shaking slightly with nervous fear and his eyes darted around the cafeteria, only to see those in the cafeteria stare at him with open curiosity. Allen hurriedly looked at the table in front of him.

To say he felt scared was a statement. He was _freaking terrified_! There was nothing inside his stomach but the white-haired already felt like puking… It felt as if the entire animal kingdom had decided to use his stomach as a disco floor, making him feel like purging something out though there was nothing inside. Right now, the muscles in his legs were tightening and tensing in preparation to run when Lavi gripped his arm under the table in warning. Slowly, Lavi began to rub Allen's arm in slow soothing motions, trying to calm the increasingly frightened boy. He could really feel the muscles underneath the pale hand spasm and tighten with fear. Lavi looked around the cafeteria when he felt many pairs of eyes gazing at the two of them.

Lavi gave them a fierce stare and all of them looked down at once, pretending not to have stared. His eyes roamed the place when he saw Kanda once in a while looking worriedly at Allen and frowning when he saw the condition the younger was in. Kanda went from glaring at Jerry who was trying to prepare the food as fast as possible to giving worried frowns to Allen with a move of his head and a swish of his long silky hair. The sides of his eyes were tightened with stress and a need to go to the younger. Hands itching, all Kanda could do was clutch at the katana that was hung at his belt and scowl even more fiercely at Jerry, making the chef squeak in fear and almost dropping things in fear.

It was quite a classic moment as Lavi looked bemusedly at his best friend, who to him, was pretty much shouting his feelings for Allen to the entire world! But what really took the cake was Allen trying to run away as Kanda _finally_ got the tray of food and was walking briskly towards them.

Out of fast instinct and a deep fear of his own personal safety, Lavi actually managed to snap his arms out and snag the young General, as he was about to creep away from the table even before his head was turned! It was all Lavi could do not to shake the younger in exasperation as he saw Kanda hurrying towards them from the corner of his eye. Lavi groaned. The swordsman had seen them… Oh, he was so dead now.

Kanda rushed to them as fast as he could without attracting attention. "What the fucking hell happened?" Kanda asked harshly as he put the tray down.

Lavi mentally slapped his forehead and gave Allen an exasperated glare, in which the younger replied with a sullen and slight pouting look on his face. Kanda was turning to look between the two as his face grew darker and darker. The vein at the side of his forehead was throbbing dangerously and his eyes were narrowed into one of his best death glares. His hands were itching towards Mugen, an instinctive habit by nature.

Kanda stared at Allen for a few tense minutes, his face expression blank and his eyes guarded. Abruptly, he said, "What's the problem, Baka Moyashi?"

Allen flushed. Only Kanda would ask him that in the most brutal straightforward manner. No one else would dare, scared of making him fall behind in his recovery. In one way, the young General was glad. Of the entire Order, only Kanda and Lavi were the ones treating him normally. Like he wasn't a freak of nature or a disappointment to them. He knew, he'd seen the pitying looks, disgusted glares and worse of all, disappointed faces that had pinned all their hopes and burdens on him.

The younger General was very troubled within. Yes, he understood that some people called him the Destroyer Of Time. But it was a bit too much for him sometimes. What took the cake, obviously, was how some blamed him and said that he deserved what he'd gotten. Though all of the Order seemed to love him, a small percentage of them only seemed to love his name and not who he was. It was a hard lesson learnt, indeed for the young Exorcist.

"Nothing," Allen muttered in return.

Kanda sat down across him and just stared at him until a blush of embarrassment and shame covered his cheeks. "I know something is wrong, Moyashi. You're being too bloody obvious about it. I thought we've gotten through all the problems, what is it now? And don't tell me it's nothing. I want the truth," Kanda said plainly without any preamble. The swordsman wasn't in any mood to humor any nonsense or fears. He preferred having all the cards on top of the table before deciding what to do.

Allen stared at Kanda and answered, "I'm scared. What if I puke? What if my stomach won't accept food anymore? What if it's too late? This is going to be the first time I'm eating and… I don't know what to do, what to feel. Nothing's even in my stomach now and I already feel like puking."

Kanda looked at him with a pensive look in his eyes. It looks like there was going to be a lot off work involved in this step of healing. Surprisingly, he didn't feel any disgust by the fact that things weren't going as fast as he wanted. It seemed he had changed more than he thought. Shaking his mind from those thoughts, he turned back to Allen. Lavi was now quietly talking with Allen, trying to persuade him to eat at least something. Allen was steadfastly refusing with a stubborn look on his face and it looked as if the younger was looking for a fight just to take attention away from the tray in front of him.

Kanda gave a disbelieving snort when Lavi gave a glance his way, trying to tell him that he knew what Allen was clearly trying to do. "That won't work, Moyashi. Stop picking a fight with Lavi. Baka Usagi isn't going to fight with you."

Allen took one look at the both of them and growled in anger and frustration. He didn't know why but he was just so scared of trying to eat again. He took a long look at the tray and slowly lifted the bowl of clear soup. It looked as if BaKanda had been really serious following the Head Nurse's orders. The Head Nurse had advised Kanda to start him on liquids such as light soups and heavier health drinks than the ones he'd been drinking. According to the Nurse, it was to get his stomach used to the idea of food residing in there again.

Kanda and Lavi watched in silence as Allen slowly drank the bowl of soup. "Take your time," Lavi murmured when he saw how Allen seemed to be rushing to finish the bowl of soup. Kanda said nothing but his dark eyes said everything else for him. Allen took a deep breath and began to slow down when his stomach started to do little flips as hot soup poured in. His stomach wasn't used to a combination of his health drink and something else, after just having a health drink sustaining him for quite some time. Unfortunately, his gulping down didn't make it any better. He felt a little queasy and his stomach felt a little too overly warm. He resorted to small sips of it.

Finally, he finished it.

His first bowl of food; though it was only soup.

Kanda and Lavi finally started on their food as they waited for the half hour to follow after the food had settled in. They were still keeping an eye on the younger to make sure he did not go off to the toilet to vomit out the soup he'd just eaten. If Allen did not puke in this half hour, the meal should stay and be digested. The trio spent the time trying to relax, though the anticipation and nervousness were clearly visible in their actions and their tone of voice.

Thirty minutes passed and went… The three looked at each other in disbelief. They could not believe that the first part went ahead so fast! Lavi started to whoop and pulled both of his friends out of the cafeteria and did a little jig as he jumped around and twirled in a ridiculous manner. Allen laughed and sped after the redhead. Kanda followed after them in a more sedately pace but his joy wasn't any lesser.

They had done it.

*****

They were starting small. It was a delicate process, a process that neither wanted to mess up. For the next few weeks, they slowly upped the heaviness and the nutrition intake of the soups that Allen was eating.

It was a slow process, very slow. There were times when Allen had been close to giving up and tears became a common scene during mealtimes as Kanda and Lavi tried their best to encourage him. Though the young General was very tempted to run off at certain times when it felt as if it was too much, he was really thankful for the support he'd gotten.

Kanda and Lavi rarely lost their tempers with him. Even when he was at his worst; when he had a relapse and was kicking and screaming not to eat, they held on. It was a feeling he'd never known before. Someone to stand by you even when you're done! To someone who had been abandoned, it was something to cherish. Considering that how bad he'd treated Kanda for the past several weeks, he thought he was even lucky that the samurai was willing to forgo that though he knew it wouldn't be an easy thing to forgive and forget.

From clear broth, they proceeded to soups with heavier substance. Thick country soup with mushrooms and potatoes was a perfect example of those soups. Of course, the servings also increased. The calorie drinks were also heavier and though they did taste horrible. (From experience, I do know. It tastes yucky!) The drinks were very creamy with full cream and it stuck at the back of Allen's throat after drinking. It was an uncomfortable feeling but it would soon be washed away by water.

Snacks and bread of course came next… It started when Jerry started to crumble the bread into the soups that he was eating. This had been the idea of the Head Nurse for his stomach to get used to more food. Small things like cookies and sweet things were given to open up his palate again and give him a change of taste since all he'd been eating were bread and soups. Slowly, Kanda and Lavi were brave enough to introduce small sandwiches. From quarters, halves to whole.

From being crumbled to pieces, to a quarter size piece of bread to eat with his food…to eating an entire slice on his own. The whooping of Lavi gave him joy, but it was the small smile of Kanda and the nod of approval he got that filled him up with even more pride. Since it was Kanda's turn to stay with Allen for the night, he'd followed Allen after Lavi went off for a good night's sleep. Walking side by side, Kanda had quietly said, "I'm sure Mana would've been proud". Allen's eyes were filled with wonder as he heard the silent "And so am I" in his words. That had meant more than anything to him.

*****

Everything went well until the moment that Kanda told him that they were starting on more solid diet and that he had to eat more since his body was now accepting the food at a reasonable pace. Of course, it helped that the younger's Innocence needed food to invoke and the extra nutrition was helping in a huge way.

Allen felt scared. To him, it felt like they were moving too fast. He'd gotten used too long with the idea of living without much food except for the bare minimum. It felt strange, too strange to have the idea of eating normally like he used to. He was worried that Kanda would revert back to thinking that he was useless and that he ate too much, though he knew it was an irrational fear.

How much food he seemed to consume after his stomach had adjusted to the idea of food was frightening him. Compared to the energy drinks that he only used to drink, it felt as if he had suddenly had the appetite of someone fat, though that was only to him! Subconsciously, he knew this was wrong but the irrational fear in him overcame the rational part of him. The amount he seemed to eat; with bowls of soup, snacks and slices of bread, suddenly made him feel fat. Of course, it didn't help that Kanda and Lavi were encouraging to eat more and more. The fact that Kanda, Lavi and Jerry-san were very happy and always tried to make him eat more did make him feel very guilty about what he was going to do.

It seemed so easy at first. Considering his history with puking down the toilet, it was surprisingly easy to lie and weasel his way out to the bathroom after mealtimes. Both Lavi and Kanda would nod and allow him to step out of their sight and allow him the chance to let him puke down his latest meal. The younger began bringing a toothbrush within his coat to brush out the evidence from his breath. It became like a ritual after every meal as he varied the timing to go to the bathroom of fear of getting caught. When he really couldn't puke his meal out, he'd stick his fingers at the back of his throat just to get it out, never mind the pain. Allen was going downhill, and he didn't even realize. Of course, in his mind, it was as if he was taking control of his life!

But of course, good things could never last.

-

The white-haired had been on his way out of the bathroom when he noticed Kanda leaning against the wall across the bathroom door. Kanda's face was dark with a fierce glare that penetrated all the way to Allen's bones. A vein was throbbing dangerously on the side of his head and his eyes were flashing with an imminent sign of danger. At a first glace, his stance may have been a casual lean against the wall but Allen knew better.

Kanda was fucking furious, and furious didn't even cover it! How could Allen betray him and Lavi so? What more could they do to convince him that he needed the food and that his death would be unstoppable if he continued on like this! He'd noticed how the young General had been making his way t the bathroom quite frequently but had been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt! The Head Nurse had told them that he might easily have stomachaches after not having proper food in there for so long. It was purely by coincidence tonight, that he'd forgotten to bring the paper work that he'd been doing for Komui to make up for not doing his missions. He did feel guilty, but he had to have his priorities straight. Only, of course to find this…

The swordsman was stiff to the point that if Allen got any closer, he would probably lash out. His knuckles were white and his fingernails were creating crescent moons from clenching too hard. He felt like taking Mugen and bashing the kid with the scabbard of it! It was a good thing that Mugen was actually strapped to his belt instead of in his hand. If it was, there was a good chance that nothing in the room was going to be intact. He stared at Allen, disbelief clear in his eyes. How could he do this…

Kanda had honestly thought he'd changed. That maybe they'd gotten through all the obstacles between them and that if they were having problems, the younger would feel confident enough to tell him and Lavi what was bothering him and seek their help. He knew they weren't the best of friends and were still working on their friendship. At the very least, he'd expect a sign from the younger that they weren't doing well enough!

"Ka-Kanda, what are you doing here?" Allen inwardly winced as he stuttered at Kanda's name. Oh great, what a swell way to dig himself deeper!

Kanda's scowl got even fiercer as he saw how Allen was trying to worm his way out of it even though he knew Kanda had heard him. "Did I stutter?", Kanda inwardly answered sarcastically.

"Why are you doing this? Answer me…" Kanda asked deadly.

Allen opened his mouth, only to close it and open it again. He honestly felt like a gaping goldfish that was trapped in a corner. Taking hold of some unseen force of courage, he stood up straight and tried to mumble and stumble his way through. "I wasn't doing anything wrong! I'm taking control of my own eating habits… You're moving too fast and I wanted to take it slower but I didn't know how to say it. I think I'm fine the way I am and… we should stop it. It's…it's enough!"

Kanda looked at him with a shocked look to his face. Allen fidgeted and moved from foot to foot as Kanda continued to stare at him. "W-well?" Allen demanded. He bit his lip as Kanda's face turned darker and darker. An even deadly whisper ensued. "What did you say…?"

Allen took a deeo breath and repeated what he said once again, "I don't want to continue anymore. I think that what I eat now is fine to sustain me. It's all the pressure from you and Lavi and everyone else here that made me try harder and consume even more but I just can't do it. I just can't…" he whispered. He looked to the ground, missing the dangerous flash of in the pair of dark eyes. His head snapped up when Kanda bellowed.

"It's a fucking mental block in your mind! A block that's stopping you from recovering! And you know what? _You _were the one to put that block there; not me, not Lavi and not the fucking Order! It's you, Moyashi. It was just you. You're the only person stopping your own recovery, nobody else. Did you know you were dying when I found you? Did you know you were dying when you only drank the health drinks and ate nothing else? No, you didn't, did you!?!" Kanda ranted at him, towering over him with his extra advantage of height.

"You _know _that your Innocence is one that requires you to eat and have nutrition! But you are just letting your mind run away with you again… Why? What is wrong? And don't give me that pathetic excuse! Every time you invoke your Innocence now ,you'll end up decreasing your life? Did you know that by the time you invoke 10 times, you'll be at the brink of death? Do you even _care _about your life!" Kanda yelled the last bit at Allen who was now close to tears and cowering on the floor, afraid of the elder's anger…

It was only when he looked up to face Kanda who had gone quiet that he'd let out a whimper and started to cry his heart out. Kanda still stood but he now faced the floor, his shoulders heaving from his fit of anger. His hair was all over the place but what broke Allen finally was to see tears dripping down to the floor, from Kanda. Kanda was silently crying. His fists were clenched so hard that blood droplets were appearing from the indents he was making with his fingernails.

"Did you even care…" Kanda whispered hoarsely.

Allen got up shakily and lunged for the samurai's waist. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I was just so scared!" He cried into the coat that Kanda was currently wearing and held on for dear life in case Kanda was removing him from his coat. He sobbed at the feelings of guilt and disappointment that welled up in him at the thought of disappointing the person whose opinion to him mattered the most and actually made the infallible swordsman tear up.

Shaky hands crept into white hair and slowly stroked and smoothed the strands down. Arms around the General's coat tightened as both just held on for the silent comfort. It was like an unspoken conversation between the two. Tender feelings welled up in Kanda, despite still being angry at the younger but when he saw how earnest Allen was, he could not help but to comfort the boy. Kanda was silently telling Allen that he wasn't going to leave anytime soon and Allen was silently replying that he was going to try harder.

Teary silver eyes met angry but warm blue eyes. Allen silently vowed to do better as he was crushed to Kanda when the samurai hugged him harder. He never wanted to feel like this again.

*****

Allen finally starts taking things seriously after that confrontation. Both he and Kanda never said a word to Lavi, and Lavi was none the wiser. He really did try harder and for that., Kanda was glad.

Of course, Kanda kept a tighter leash now that he knew that Allen could lie his way out. He often followed Allen when he needed to use the toilet and would stand outside to make sure that the white-haired didn't do anything else. Though Allen did feel resentful that Kanda did not trust him, he knew he deserved it for breaking the swordsman's trust in the first place and did not complain.

It was something that he'd brought upon himself as Kanda had said and he would bear it. Kanda was very wary about letting Allen out of his and Lavi's sight and he had made a new set of rules that Allen had to comply to. Besides eating all the meals in the presence of the two, he would now spend 1 hour with them as well to prevent him from the feeling of puking. Kanda had also been reassured that it wasn't his or Lavi's fault and Allen was slowly taking things in stride. They proceeded even more carefully but the results were _very _satisfying.

It was on Allen's birthday when he finally consumed his first bowl of porridge. This time, it was Allen who made the decision. Both Kanda and Lavi had been apprehensive but they allowed it. As long as they were with him when he ate it, it was okay and they could help him if any help was needed.

It had been a major success! Lavi did a special jig and had frightened the entire cafeteria by yelling and singing out praises and some garbled nonsense that only he seemed to understand. Allen kept looking at the bowl. He didn't seem to believe that he'd actually finished the entire bowl on his birthday! It was like a present to him and all his friends! Kanda's eyes were glittering with unspoken joy at how Allen had managed to overcome his second last block of his healing. His healing process of finally eating healthily.

*****

A rollercoaster ride was inevitable of course! It was never easy and took constant vigilance on everyone's part to make it work. Jerry continuously made new flavors of porridge so as not to make him feel bored of it and to excite his taste buds.

Kanda and Lavi encouraged him on in every way possible. They always ate with him so as not to make him feel alone while he was eating. Taking long walks in the forest, the older two also made sure that Allen got the correct amount of exercise. They were slowly starting him on light ones that weren't detrimental to his health and cleared it with the Head Nurse before actually getting Allen on the program that they made.

Komui and Lenalee also gave him things to do to fill up his time though they never forced him. Whenever Allen felt well enough to help around, they let him help with whatever he could. Sometimes he would do paperwork and other times he'd be helping the Science Department with one of their experiments. His guardians gave him free reign when it came to filling up his time and were pleased to see the younger filling up his time properly.

He still had bad days when it was so bad that he didn't want to get out of bed except to eat and would spend the entire day cooped up in his room but they were getting lesser. It was too much of a miracle for everything to be solved with a snap.

*****

"You sure you're going to be alright with Yuu-chan here? Are you sure? I could always change with Lenalee for this mission, you know…" Lavi asked anxiously but with a gleam of mischievousness. Kanda scowled in annoyance and smacked Lavi's head

Lavi had been finally called for a mission with Bookman, leaving Kanda and Allen alone at the Order since the request for one of them to remain with Allen was still in place. Though Lenalee had offered to go in place of Lavi, Komui had refused the offer, as he needed to have his best Exorcists out in the field and Allen back on his feet as soon as possible. Both Allen and Lavi had taken the news with few complaints, as they had known it was going to happen soon enough. Kanda had said nothing but had appealed to Komui in secret, knowing that Allen was going to let Lavi go with a heavy heart after going through so much for the past few weeks.

Komui had refused but he had promised that Kanda would be the next to go so as to be fair to both Lavi and Allen. Right now, the two were sending Lavi off at the gate of the Order. Kanda had silenced the Gate Keeper 10 seconds after coming out after his inane mutterings of how Allen should be kept away from the Order because he was a danger and an Akuma in disguise.

Allen laughed, "I'll be fine, Lavi. Kanda's not going to let anything happen to me. You know that! Stop provoking him already."

Lavi grinned and hugged Allen fiercely before turning to Kanda and ruffled the samurai's hair when Kanda's arm shot out and gripped his neck tightly. It took a strangled apology from Lavi and pleading from an amused but horrified Allen for Kanda to finally let the Baka Usagi go into the boat with the Bookman. Bookman had only stared at Lavi and said that Lavi deserved it when the redhead begged him for help. Of course, by the time Kanda let go, Lavi's lips had been tinged with a slight blue and he was wheezing in an effort to draw in oxygen through his previously strangled throat.

Allen smiled, "I'll miss you, Lavi! Come back soon…"

Lavi turned to look as he began walking next to Bookman. "See you, Moyashi-chan! I'll be back before you know it." Allen nodded his goodbye as he and Kanda watched Lavi leave. It would be a few weeks before Lavi could return. The good thing was, Kanda was still here to accompany him.

*****

Allen looks at the bowl of noodles, looks back at Kanda and looks back to the bowl of noodles again. This motion repeated for about eight more times before Kanda finally lost his patience.

"Moyashi! Just eat it! It's not going to kill you! Don't stare at it as if it's worse than the fucking Earl Of Millennium," Kanda scowled in exasperation. He rolled his eyes as if to show the younger that he was being stupid about it. His lips were pursed together in annoyance and his hands were itching to just shove the entire bowl into the young General's mouth himself!

Allen gave a wry smile as he stared at the bowl of noodles once again. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the chopsticks and spoon that lay beside him (since Kanda absolutely refused to let Allen eat noodles with Western cutlery in his presence) and began to slowly eat the bowl of soupy noodles. The soup was thick and flavorful with spices and thick slices of chicken cooked to perfection. The chicken seemed to melt in his mouth after chewing it slowly and juice spurted out from the meat. Mixed with the taste of fresh ingredients and the noodles that slid down his throat, Allen could not help but to finish the small bowl. The fact that it was noodles, made it easier for the food to slide down his throat rather than the chewing of rice that he used to have.

Today, Kanda had decided to take a risk and remove the afternoon supplement drink meant for Allen and eat a full lunch instead. Though to the nurse it was a long time coming, Kanda had been worried for the younger. It was a huge jump to move straight from porridge and bread to a full meal straight away! He'd been afraid that Allen would just vomit everything out right after eating it even though it was just a small bowl. He had wanted to get Allen on a normal diet as soon as possible and eat healthily at all the correct times.

What Allen hadn't realized was that each meal he had taken had a nutrition drink inside that the Head Nurse had done with Komui to help Allen. This would help Allen improve his appetite while giving him the extra calories he needed. It was still in its experimental stages but Kanda had been desperate.

The Head Nurse had told Lavi quietly that Allen was well on his way to dying quite soon considering he needed food for his Innocence to fight. Hence, each time he invoked, he was just killing himself. The Head Nurse had been very happy with Allen's progress and they could finally see some meat on the little skeleton!

Kanda looked at the white-haired, who was now waiting for his half-hour to finish before he could move and was gazing around the cafeteria in apparent boredom. Looking more closely, the samurai saw how nervous he actually was.

Softening his eyes, Kanda gently held the stiff hand beside him. The hand was clammy and stiff. The samurai softly squeezed the hand, "You did well today, Moyashi. I'm proud of you…"

Allen looked up at Kanda sharply, wondering if the swordsman was mocking him. Thick eyelashes framed an angular face with a slight blush on his cheeks looked back at him, apprehensiveness and tons of emotions swimming in the blue deepness. Allen smiled shyly and dropped his gaze. He did it; he finally did it!

One full meal…

-

**A/N: I have quite a few people who add this story or me on their favourites or alerts lists… But why is it that I only receive even lesser amount of reviews than previous chapters?**

**Tell me what you like or don't like. I don't want to end up holding back chapters like some authors until they receive a certain amount of reviews. I'm not like that. I want people to tell me if I've improved or not. I want people to tell me what they didn't like so I can do better. **

**Please give me your comments, feedback and suggestions in your reviews! Allen-shaped lollipops to those who review!**

**Thank you all for reading! Have a nice day **


	14. Because It's You

**A/N: Oh my goodness! Over 200 reviews! People, you are so loved right now! And for this wonderful thing that you guys have given me, I've put up a Yullen PWP titled "Say Please, Kanda". I've also released a sequel to this PWP just for Christmas! Don't you love me? Haha. It's found on my profile or if you search for it. It's a present for you guys for sticking with me. I've even put up a contest in my Christmas Yullen where you guys get to choose what goes in my PWPs! Don't forget to review, yeah? **

**Warning: This chapter contains some scenes of cutting and molestation.**

**Happy Reading!**

-

The recent weeks that followed were like a dream for Allen. Everything was going so well. Okay, maybe that was somewhat an exaggeration. Life was never perfect. But all in all, the month was the best he'd had. And anyway, who was he to fight the fates?

Kanda and him were doing better and better. He'd been eating more, thanks to his Innocence welcoming the food with a vengeance. A vengeance, to make up for all the food that his stomach had been deprived of in the long previous months. In days, he had progressed to three main stable meals with two snacks in between. His meals were increasing in quantity too!

Jerry had been so happy that he'd been singing whilst cooking in the kitchen the whole week after Allen had asked him for seconds for the first time! The man had wept and rejoiced at seeing his favorite customer returning to his former self. He'd officially celebrated it by making tons of mitarashi dango, which in turn of course made Allen _extremely _happy. Kanda, however, was a different story.

The infallible samurai…had fallen into the trap of Allen's puppy dog eyes.

He discovered this fatal weakness of his when Jerry the crazy cook had made tons of mitarashi dango. Kanda had mostly been minding his own business, eating his soba and drinking his tea; while watching Allen eat his lunch. The younger had a plate that had a small mountain of mitarashi dango on it and was currently sneaking glances at it, drooling until the moment he could eat it. Kanda had expressly forbidden him to eat the sweets until he'd finished his meal but Allen couldn't wait that long! Allen quickly gobbled up his food and stared at Kanda beseechingly, begging for permission to be given.

Kanda sighed exasperated, "Fine, go eat that weird sweet things already!" He could never figure out why people liked to eat sweet stuff. It just seemed weird to him…

Allen smiled and clapped his hands in glee. The best part about recovering was that he got his way with food. Anything he wanted to eat, he got it. But ultimately, he'd changed for the better. Seeing Kanda cry openly had made him feel so guilty that he'd refused to even _think_ about returning to his old ways! He picked one stick up and started eating the sweets that were skewered on it. He moaned… Oh, how he missed this! He sneaked a look at the samurai sitting across him. Kanda hated sweets, period. But was there a way to make him eat one stick of mitarashi dango?

_Hmm… He wondered._

Allen started plotting carefully as he slowly savored the rare treat. Shishou had always left him with too many debts for him to even consider mitarashi dango as a snack… Allen grinned inwardly; he had the _perfect _plan.

"Kanda?" Allen started asking the samurai.

"Tch. What is it, Baka Moyashi?" Kanda answered, looking down at the boy beside him.

"Do you want a taste of my mitarashi dango? It's so good…" Allen asked cheerfully, dragging his last two words to make them more exaggerated.

"No."

"Aww, Kanda please?"

"I said, no!"

Suddenly there was silence from the person sitting next to him. Kanda brought his attention away from the tea he was drinking and looked down again. Allen's head was down; his long white bangs hiding his face from view and his shoulders were trembling and shaking.

"O-Oi, Moyashi. What's wrong?" Kanda asked, a little nervous. Was Allen _crying_?

Allen shook his head, never lifting it as he just stared down. Kanda tried in vain for several minutes to try and ask what was wrong before he grew impatient. "Moyashi, you better tell me what's wrong right now or I'm leaving you here!" Kanda said, annoyed.

Allen finally looked up. His silver eyes were filled with tears and sadness, with one leaking down his pale cheek as he said with his voice hitching from silent sobs, "I… I only wanted you to try a little bit. It's just so good and I only wanted to share it with someone. No one's ever shared food with me. I just want to do what friends do…" Allen voice quavered at the last sentence. All through it all, he kept his gaze right on Kanda, making his eyes as sad as possible.

Kanda groaned pathetically as he steadily fell under the pressure of the puppy dog eyes that were now welling up in tears. Silver eyes, that was miserable and pleading for him to eat that one stick of sweets. What harm could it be to just eat one stick of this junk, right? To see the disappointed gaze on the face would be a tragedy in the making. Kanda screwed his courage back on and looked at Allen again. It was like he was hypnotized when he'd seen that a tear had rolled over and splashed onto the table. His lower lip was pouted out and trembling as he held Kanda's gaze.

Kanda plucked the offending stick of sweets and grimaced, before looking at Allen. "Do you _really _want me to eat this?" he asked again, not wanting to eat it. He looked up at Allen and he couldn't look away. He had promptly fallen into the spell. Silver orbs that were filled with so much hope and happiness that he, Kanda, was going to eat it! Who could resist a gaze like that? Probably only a saint, and **that **was something Kanda wasn't for sure.

Kanda took one last disgusted look at it and screwing his eyes shut, he took a bite of it. He was hoping against hope that by not seeing it, the stuff would taste better. Not. It was just as horribly sweet as he'd always remembered sweet stuff tasted like! But then, as he chewed it; again and again, it somehow didn't taste as bad. Granted it was _very _sweet (to him, anyway!) but there were different textures to it. Somehow he found the consistency a bit like the tempura's chewy insides. Don't ask him how, he didn't know…

He opened his eyes and swallowed the thing, only allowing a grimace to come over his handsome features. "It's…okay," he gruffly said before he quickly added, "But I'm not eating anymore!"

Allen smirked.

Mission accomplished!

*****

Allen was now spending more of his time in the library, either reading through books or doing some paperwork to ease some of the burden on Komui. Spending the time was efficient towards making his thoughts flow a little more smoothly. He had been annoying Kanda consistently with his constant musings on whether Lavi was okay and when he would return. Spending some time alone had been good while Kanda was out training. Kanda called it his own personal time. Well, not so politely but that was the meaning behind it. Truthfully, Kanda had called it "A bloody time to not be stupid and use his small brain to think. He'd also better not fucking come out still whining!"

Allen smiled absently as his mind got more focused into the book he was reading. Right now, he was very interested in the history of the Order and he'd been asking Bookman to show him some of the books that he could study and know more about the building he was living in. That was of course, when he felt someone's gaze on him.

Thinking it was Bookman, he'd called out. "I'll be going off soon. I'm just finishing up!" Usually, Bookman and he took turns using the library as Bookman rarely allowed people in while he was doing his work, except for Lavi. Even then, Lavi does get kicked out countless times.

-

A leery smile and a pair of grubby hands with a face to match hid behind one of the bookshelves. Boots that were so well worn that you could the see soles wearing thin covered up to the knees. A coat that was frayed at the edges covered the somewhat pudgy and short body with his hood pulled all the way up. From the darkness, all that could be seen were a pair of glinting eyes filled with lust and desire.

The eyes observed the handsome, lean body before him. A beautiful boyish yet in a way, still babyish face with two large eyes and long eyelashes framing it. A pair of arms with pale creamy skin. A well-defined chest, which had the beginnings of a six-pack lay underneath the tank top that barely covered the waist, it was currently covering. Legs that were encased in a pair of figure hugging pants, showing the curve of his behind. The figure stood up to put a book away on one of the top shelves.

The eyes had a glint of dark pleasure as the figure went up to his full height. Saliva filled his mouth and he had to bite back a groan as the figure before him stretched up revealing skin that lay unmarred, just waiting for a few bites that he could deliver. Maybe, even a few bruises to that lovely skin which almost seemed as pale as snow from where he was skulking. The figure slowly stepped out…

-

"Why can't this thing stay up there!" Allen muttered to himself as he tried unsuccessfully for the fourth time, trying to put back the book he'd read on the top shelf.

He'd been trying to put it back for quite some time, knowing that Bookman would want to use the library soon. The old man was probably waiting outside impatiently… All Allen could hope was that he'd not get a kick to his bum like Lavi always did. The teen groaned and tried one more time. Screwing his face in concentration, he jumped with all his might and tried placing the book back again. Allen opened his eyes and glanced up as he landed on the ground. He smiled as he saw the book in place. Success!

He turned around, only to feel a hand grabbing his bum. Allen froze in place, his eyes widening. "Who-whoever y-you are, i-it's not funny! L-let go!" his voice quavered as he tried to turn around once again.

Once again, he was stopped. Allen was slowly panicking as his old and long lost memories of his rape resurfaced. "It's-s no-not funny!" he finally screamed as he began struggling when the hand on the bum started fondling his butt cheeks. The other hand slipped to his chest and started groping and squeezing his nipples. All that the white-haired could hear was heavy breathing behind him.

Screaming and struggling for help, for anyone, just _anyone _to come and help him. Kanda? Lavi? Komui? Anybody? Where were they? Didn't they promise to protect him? Where were they now? Allen began fighting back. Kicking at anything, and flailing his hands about when he struck the man's face. The man cursed as his face was knocked backwards by Allen, who was now like a colt gone wild. His eyes were going from side to side, not seeing anything in front of him as he just struggled in the unknown man's arms. The final blow finally struck when the man opened his mouth and started licking his ear, panting.

"What are you struggling for? You know you want it. You let that Noah rape you, didn't you? You like this! You want it, you slut! Whore!"

The man ended his comments with a harsh bite to the ear he had been laving his saliva with. Allen screamed his hardest as flashbacks that had been suppressed for so long came back to him. As the man molested him, he could do nothing but relive the mental torture in his mind all over again. His mind were full of Tyki and his poisonous words as he felt the man rip open his top and pants before molesting him roughly, making it as painful as he could for the 'whore' who deserved it. By now, Allen was almost lost…

Delirious with nightmares and reality that were beginning to have a parallel dimension about them. It seemed as if all hope was lost… Of course, he was a slut and a whore, wasn't he? He deserved it, right? After all, it was all he was good for. He was there for other people's pleasure. Never his own. After all, nobody cared about him… If they did, where were they now? People who cared stood by you. If they'd cared, they would have protected him…

Suddenly, a memory crept up on him. Kanda's face came up, slashing the nightmares into half. The nightmares were fading into the background as Kanda's face came into focus. Allen gasped silently.

_Kanda looked at the white-haired, who was now waiting for his half-hour to finish before he could move and was gazing around the cafeteria in apparent boredom. Looking more closely, the samurai saw how nervous he actually was._

_Softening his eyes, Kanda gently held the stiff hand beside him. The hand was clammy and stiff. The samurai softly squeezed the hand, "You did well today, Moyashi. I'm proud of you…"_

In a snap, his mind came back to reality when a hand finally reached into his pants and grabbed his member. Allen froze again, this time for less than a second as his whole body went stiff with the intrusion. Giving a silent prayer to the gods above, he reached down and bit the man as hard as he could on the arm that was wrapped around his waist.

The man cursed and let his victim go, to nurse his arm. He didn't realize that his victim had run off until he'd looked around to see the last of a leg run out of the library. His eyes wide open in horror, he used up all the swear words in his vocabulary before taking off himself. It was time to save his own skin!

*****

Allen ran through the halls without stopping. Though his memory had saved him this time, he didn't believe in that dream anymore. Ultimately, he was alone… What he didn't realize was that he'd just run past the training room where Kanda had just finished his training and was shouldering his coat on. Tears were flying into the air from the speed he was running, all Allen could think of was a certain something that would bring salvation. Something that would make him feel less dirty, less of a 'whore'. It was as if he could still feel the pair of hands still on him running up and down his body…

What he didn't realize was that he was running in the hallways with his shirt torn open and the only thing that was keeping his also torn pants up, was his left hand. It was unconsciously riding the pants higher and higher, trying to hide his upper body even further. His eyes were roving around madly, not even noticing that Kanda had called out to him. He was panicking. Hyperventilating. Nothing but total chaos was running through his mind. Nothing made sense to the sixteen year old right now. All he wanted was that something in his room…

Kanda on the other hand, was quite simply shocked to see Allen dash across just as he was about to fetch the boy himself. His eyes soon zeroed in how exactly the young General's appearance was. Taking no chances, he rushed after Allen, shouting his name and asking him to stop. Kanda cursed rather fluently in Japanese as he saw Allen rounding off at an intersection of three hallways. Flipping his head from left to right with his hair whipping into his face, all Kanda could do was follow his instincts as he tried to focus his mind on finding his charge. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Kanda tried to think of nothing as he just walked into the hallway that felt right. Knowing that Allen knew much more hidden rooms and passages, all he could do was hope for the best.

He opened his eyes slowly, only to sigh slightly in relief. It was the corridor that led to Allen's own room. Breaking into a sprint, the samurai opened the door of the room with bang- to find Allen desperately looking in every place in his room, turning the place topsy-turvy. Kanda stepped forward into the room to ask what the bloody hell had happened. This however, was put to a definite stop, as Allen seemed to find what he was searching for. Kanda looked on with a frown to his face, unsure what was happening when his eyes widened with what could only be…

Fear.

Allen stood in the middle of his room with his belongings strewn all over. Holding a long forgotten pair of scissors, his eyes glinted with almost a maniacal look. It seemed almost slow motion as he dragged the open blade down on his arm. The blade moved towards the pale skin that was now marred with bruises, digging into the flesh. As the blood slowly welled up, Allen pushed the blade deeper within when Kanda leapt over to him and snatched it away.

Giving a loud cry, Allen watched in horror as the blade scratched a red horizontal line across before landing in Kanda's outstretched hand. _No… No… No… Please, don't take this away from me! _Droplets of blood slowly dripped down as the British slowly put his arm down. His gaze was fixed on the swordsman who had his back towards him, heaving. _Is this person going to take my only source of salvation too? Am I doomed? _The teen could not recognize the older person before him.His eyes turned huge as he stood trembling. Kanda's eyes were narrowed in deep fury as he turned back around to face Allen when all anger evaporated into thin air.

Allen stood shivering in the centre, with his eyes as wide as a china doll's eyes. His face had a chalky pallor to it and his hands were trembling as blood continued to drip down. His top still hung open, exposing his abused chest. Bites adorned his neck just as bruises in shape of handprints decorated his chest. His pants had fallen to the ground and his legs trembled like jelly. But what caught Kanda's attention were the glazed eyes.

Shame. Pain. Fear.

That was all he could see. To Kanda right now, Allen seemed like a very small and scared boy. His posture was of someone who had some sort of abuse done to him. Allen was drawing into himself as his spine curved in slightly while still staring fearfully at the unknown person before him. He honestly could not recognize that it was **Kanda** in front of him!

How could he stay angry?

Kanda stood still and reached out slowly with his free hand. All the samurai could do was watch sadly as Allen flinched and backed a few steps further before his hand even touched the younger teen's body. His heart ached as he watched all the progress that the strong soul had made vanish before his eyes.

"Mo-Allen, it's Kanda. Are you okay?" Kanda slowly said as he tried to make his voice as soft and as non-threatening as possible.

Allen kept quiet.

"A-Allen, it's Kanda. You know, BaKanda?" Kanda tried again. Allen's given name felt very weird on his tongue after calling him Moyashi for so long. He'd even tried the nickname that Moyashi had given him. Once again, there was no response. By now, Allen was sobbing silently as tears streaked down his face again as he made the dried tear tracks wet again.

Kanda just stood in front of Allen, trying again and again. Slowly trying his luck, Kanda stepped one step forward. There was no reaction. Keeping up what he hoped was a soothing commentary, Kanda kept on moving towards the shaking body when he finally reached it. At a loss of what else to do, he did the first thing that came to mind. He opened his arms and grabbed Allen. Holding the boy to his chest, it was all Kanda could do to stop _his _own tears in falling as Allen started struggling and screaming in his grip. All Kanda could do was shush and repeat soothing words in a choked voice as he watched Allen fall apart slowly, bit by bit.

Both slowly fell to the floor without releasing each other as Allen continued on like a wildcat, scratching and biting at anything. It was long after when he finally settled down… By then, all Allen could do was plead for Kanda to release him. He had no more strength left to fight. Kanda just sat there silently until even Allen turned silent. Finally, he spoke.

"Moyashi. A-Allen, it's me Kanda. Your BaKanda... Do you remember me?" Kanda whispered.

"Ka-Kanda?" Allen finally asked in a small voice.

Kanda could finally breathe a sigh of relief. His Moyashi was back… Kanda hugged him closer to his chest and asked, "What happened back there, Moyashi?"

Allen stiffened. He tried to move away from the grip that Kanda had him in but Kanda refused to let him go. All Kanda would do was hug him even tighter. Out of exhaustion, Allen gave up the fight and laid his head back against Kanda's chest, closing his eyes.

"Nothing happened, Kanda…" Allen sighed wearily.

Kanda scowled. He hated it when the Moyashi lied to him. "Don't lie, Moyashi. You know I hate it!"

Allen sighed again. He really didn't want to relive the experience but he knew Kanda wasn't going to live it down. After all, it might be easier to talk about it now rather than later.

He went on to finally tell after a few more minutes of denial in which Kanda's impatience grew. When he'd finally told the samurai, it had been done in stuttering sentences that had only served to weaken Kanda's patience even further.

As Allen finally reached the end of the story, he was hiccupping and sobbing slightly as he relived through it as he'd told his friend. Kanda, however, was now teeming with anger. He was angry with the man for doing this to the one who had captured his heart. He was angry with Allen for not fighting the man off better though he knew it was irrational. Most of all, he was angry with _himself _for not being there. But it being Kanda, he could only release his anger on the only available outlet.

Allen.

He let go of Allen and started pacing up and down the length of the room, trying his best to ignore the whimpers and sobs. When the noise grew louder than he could bear, he whipped around and faced Allen.

"Shut up! You're just sitting there crying and not doing anything to fucking help yourself! Why didn't you fight him off better, huh? Why did you let him touch you? What kind of Exorcist are you if you can't even defend yourself against a molester!" Kanda shouted at Allen before he could catch himself.

Allen stared at him with his mouth slightly open. Kanda finally caught the gist of _his _own words and winced. "Mo-Allen, I didn't mean it like that. It just… It just came out wrong!"

Allen closed his mouth and turned away before he started laughing bitterly. A cold and bitter laugh soon filled the room as Kanda stared at the person on the floor. Tears continued to pour down the cheeks but Allen continued to laugh, finally unnerving Kanda. Kanda was now even more unsure what to do… When he tried calling Allen again, there was no response except cold unfeeling laughter.

"Where were you, Kanda!?" Allen screamed finally. He gave an accusing stare to Kanda as tears streamed down his face. His eyes were red from crying as he stared at Kanda. The laughter had stopped but the crying silver eyes now seemed like chips of ice. They pierced right through the samurai's heart as the weight of his words dropped on his shoulders.

"Where were you when I needed you? Why was I alone again? Am I such a bad person? What? Was I not worth it anymore? I get it! I'm weak! I'm disgusting! I'm a whore! I know that…" Allen ended his ranting with a whisper of the last sentence.

"Moyashi…" Kanda tried.

"I DESERVED it. I KNOW! I KNOW ALL OF THAT!" Allen was babbling now as he tried his best to stand up and walk away. But it was the last sentence, which finally made Kanda snap out of his self-induced stupor and move forward and hold the boy once again in his arms.

"_I know that I'm not worth saving," _Allen's sentence rang out aloud in the room.

Kanda gave a heart-wrenching cry as he crushed the boy to him, unable to hear those words being uttered. It was blasphemy! Kanda shushed him once again each time Allen tried to say something. He could _not _hear the words being uttered for the second time. Not anymore. Enough was enough.

In the end, it took the end of the entire day to convince Allen that he _was _worth saving. Kanda apologized over and over, even after Allen had forgiven him. Though it seemed as if Allen had forgiven the samurai too easily, he knew Kanda better than himself. The samurai had needed to get that outburst out of the way just as he did. It was the only way they both knew how to cope. They had needed it.

Making him promise, however, was another long process. It took quite some time before the British finally promised not to cut and that he would go to Kanda if he felt like doing it. Extracting the promise had been hard, as Allen had somehow been convinced that the blade was his salvation to his shame and pain. Giving up the blade had finally taken blackmail, after Allen had pleaded, cried and even begged on his knees for his blade to be given back.

It was lucky that Timcanpy was off for repairs because Kanda was quite sure that the golem would have something harsh to say about Allen cutting again. Finally, he picked up the younger teen and cradled him to his chest before going to the bathroom to clean the younger up. Allen had refused to let Kanda go when the samurai had wanted him to clean himself up. In the end, Kanda had been forced to take a washcloth to wipe Allen's body over while leaving his boxers. Rubbing the thin body down with a towel, he'd then taken Allen's box of medical supplies and treated all his injuries. Without missing a beat and batting an eyelid, he even dressed Allen in pajamas.

Allen, who had seldom felt anyone care for him, relished the attention that Kanda gave him. He craved the attention…much more of it. Not even saying a single word, he let Kanda cradle him in the strong arms again as the samurai brought them to his own room. Kanda did not want Allen to sleep in the room that currently looked as if a hurricane went through it. Not until he'd cleaned up and sorted through everything to make sure it was blade-proof!

Opening the door to his own room, Kanda went in with Allen in his arms like a baby. Allen's head was laid on Kanda's shoulder, his eyes blinking blearily. His adrenaline rush was no more and he was quite exhausted from the day's events. Settling the Allen down on the bed, Kanda turned around about to settle himself in his chair for a long night, when a small hand grabbed the end of his coat. Kanda turned around with an eyebrow raised in question.

"C-could yo-you stay w-with me?" Allen stuttered in embarrassment.

"Why?" Kanda asked, not understanding.

"I'm scared…" Allen whispered, his eyes turned to the bed sheets as his hands twisted in anxiety. What if Kanda refused?

Kanda could only heave an exhausted sigh for he, too was very tired. He got into bed with Allen and scooped up the boy to lie beside him. Allen, however, had perceived the sigh as a sign that he was a burden and tried to apologize unnecessarily and move himself out of the samurai's bed. It wasn't until Kanda had snapped that he was fine that he finally let the matter go.

"It's **fine**, Moyashi. Now close your eyes and fucking go to sleep!"

Allen hesitantly nodded. He gave a small smile as he moved further into Kanda's body heat. With Kanda, he felt safe. He felt as if nothing could get through… And with that thought on his mind, he went off to sleep with no dreams but Kanda's warm body to help him sleep.

*****

For the next few weeks, Allen became very clingy towards Kanda. He would always be touching Kanda, in some form of the other. Grabbing a fist of coat as they walked into the cafeteria, hiding behind the tall teen when someone was talking to him, sometimes even squeezing the life out of Kanda's hand as they walked into a crowd.

Kanda had no such problems with the bean sprout taking up his personal space. He himself would have been worried if Allen was too normal. That would've meant that he was repressing the events that had happened. Better to get the whole thing out of the way first. Kanda had personally gone to Komui about the incident. The night that Allen had slept in his arms, the samurai had went to get the scum who had done the despicable act.

Only having slept for three hours, his temper was not the best; especially when he heard a Finder bragging about having Allen Walker liking him. The Finder was surrounded by a group of other Finders who were negating his story and calling it bullshit. The man was actually proud of it and started telling his friends on how he had assaulted Allen!

Kanda could not believe his ears and he rushed off to grab the finder by the cloth of his hood, purposely choking him. The rest of the Finders did nothing when they saw how angry Kanda was. They knew that the samurai was extremely protective of his comrade and thus, knew that Kanda had a right to do what he wanted. After all, who would want to stop a murderous samurai who was on the warpath of someone who was claiming to have assaulted and molested Allen Walker? That was just total stupidity! And the group of Finders had no death wish whatsoever.

It was a full hour later before he finally delivered the pulp of the Finder back to Komui with one sentence, "He did it." The Finder's face looked horrible with bruises all over and a split lip. Though that was the least of the Finder's problems. He'd been beaten so badly that he was knocked out. Needless to say that the Finder was soon out of a job within the next hour and was kicked out with nothing but the clothes on his back. The best part of this whole process?

He was still unconscious.

-

Kanda had rushed back to the room just in time to stop a crying but still dreaming Allen from hurting himself. He'd opened the door with a bang to see Allen hanging precariously on the edge of the bed fighting the sheets and blankets that were now wrapped around him in his struggle to get free. Yelling and crying to get free, the only visible words Kanda could decipher were "No… Stop… No… Kanda… Help…"

Kanda rushed over with just enough time to catch Allen as he fell off the bed. Heaving a sigh, he stood up with his small burden and sat on the bed. Why did it always have to happen with Allen? Why couldn't the kid have a normal life? Why was it always him? The samurai had no answers as he looked into the young face. So young, but with so many burdens…

Allen's face still had its chalky pallor and frown lines decorated his forehead. Even asleep, he could not forget his burdens. His eyebrows were still furrowed and his lower lip still had bite marks from where his teeth had bitten it. Allen looked as if he was in a very uncomfortable sleep.

Hesitantly, Kanda lowered his hands and tried to sooth the frown lines and the furrowed eyebrows. Allen murmured something and moved a little bit but the lines disappeared. He placed Allen beside him and closed his eyes, hoping that tomorrow would be better.

-

In the following weeks, Kanda did a comparison of what Allen felt when Kanda touched him against what that scum had done to him.

Finding that his touch was comforting and did bring a negative reaction other than a slight flinching if he moved from the back, Kanda sought to find out if other people's touches did the same. He soon discovered that girls made no reaction whatsoever for Allen but males being the problem.

For as long as he could, Kanda tried to get Allen used to other male's touches. Brief brushes of shoulders. Hands patting on the back. A handshake. Everything.

He tried to make him comfortable and made other people's touch not as traumatic, making sure that all the men faced the teen rather than coming from behind. Wanting to make the transitions as easy as possible, he tried the person that Allen faced each day.

Jerry.

This time, no one _dared _to gossip or even whisper about the incident after seeing the unnamed Finder being thrown out. They did not know whether the Finder was even alive and frankly, they didn't care. Nobody wanted to have the same treatment inflicted on him or her by Kanda. Not even if they had a death wish… Apparently, Johnny who had seen Kanda beating up the Finder had told them that Kanda had purposely made it as painful as possible. In ways they had no wish to know. Those who had thought that Kanda had softened were reminded of his rather brutal side.

Being exposed to Jerry daily did wonders for Allen. Feeling much more confident, he had requested for Kanda to step it up and make him heal faster though Kanda said it was better to be as slow as possible.

This had led to yet one of the more infamous squabbles between the two. But after sleeping alone for one night, Allen had caved in and followed Kanda's demands. Having Kanda's support meant a lot to him and his healing processes sped up under careful supervision and care.

Not long after, Allen was soon introduced to the males that he had known and was more familiar with in the Order. Having a cheerful atmosphere and seeing the friends he had act normally around him instead of ostracizing him or despising him helped even more. Time soon saw Allen growing used to these touches that were necessary to his job as an Exorcist. And though he still preferred Kanda's to others, he was much more used to it. Flinching had given way to shying away to a bravely accepting those handshakes and pats on his backs.

-

"Kanda… Do you really have to go?" Allen asked sadly as he tried to put on a brave face. His last pillar of strength was leaving too? Would Kanda and Lavi come back alive? Or were they too going to leave him behind like the other people he'd cared about?

Lavi had finally called the Order last night. He'd been fighting Akuma non-stop in search of the Innocence but he just couldn't find it! Finally giving up, he'd decided to call for back up. And of course, being Kanda's luck, he was the only Exorcist available as Lenalee just got back and none were available. Komui had regretfully told both Kanda and Allen that it was Kanda's turn to go off.

Kanda gave a quirk of his lips as he saw Allen scuffing his legs to and fro as the boy tried to hide his nervousness of him leaving. The young General was worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and he was twisting his hands as he always did when he was scared or nervous. Though it was plain to see in this case, that it was both. Kanda had to keep a smirk away from his face as he watched how predictable the Moyashi was. He gave the Finder next to him a brief nod before he turned back to Allen.

He held out his arms. "Come here, Baka Moyashi," he ordered. Allen's eyes lit up in an almost childish way as he was enveloped into Kanda's embrace. Allen hugged the older teen as hard as he could, not wanting to let go. Kanda smiled as he breathed in the smell of Allen and the feel of his small body against his own. The moment however, could not last…

It was time for Kanda to go as the Finder called Kanda's name again. Kanda slowly untangled Allen's hands form around his waist, shushing him gently when Allen put up a struggle and let out a loud cry.

"Hush, Moyashi. I've put you in Lenalee's hands. You'll be fine. You should've known that I'd have to go on a fucking mission, sooner or later!" Kanda said firmly.

Kanda had given a list of instructions and a long lecture to Komui on how to help Lenalee. He'd also done the same to Lenalee since she was going to be the guardian, taking care of Allen. Though he was progressing well, Kanda did not want to take a chance with Komui accidentally giving Allen a relapse.

Allen looked up. "I don't want you to go…"

Kanda gave a small smile and gave one last brief squeeze before letting Allen go. "I don't want to go either. Who would know what you would've been up to by the time I get back? Knowing you, you'd probably blow up the cafeteria or something. Or maybe, you'd finally eat the whole cafeteria out and leave the rest to starve!" Kanda said sarcastically. The light-hearted humor did its job.

Allen started to laugh. He nodded in reply.

"Maybe I will! Maybe I'd even eat all your soba, BaKanda!"

Kanda scowled jokingly. "You better not, Baka Moyashi. I still want my soba!" He looked at Allen and gave a small smile.

"Remember your promise, Moyashi…" Kanda said as a parting warning as he set off with the Finder. He waited for a nod from Allen before he set off on a run. They were late for their train as it is! As they disappeared into small figures into the horizon, Allen finally spoke up.

"I remember, Kanda."

**-**

**A/N: My friend inspired this chapter and this entire story. She was in the lift, going somewhere one day when a man went in with her. He started opening his pants and masturbated in front of her and was getting near her. She pressed the nearest floor button and ran out. The man was never caught.**

**Though her family and friends said to just get over it, she got traumatized. It took a while for her to stop flinching at people's touches. For me, I got started thinking on what if she was raped. Hence, this chapter on touching to show what she went through.**

**Please do review and join my contest placed in my Christmas Yullen! Allen and Kanda shaped marshmallows up for grabs!**


	15. A Drop Of Blood

**A/N: Yes, I. AM. BACK! WHEEEE~ Okay, first of all the lack of updates were because of school. 7 freaking assignments in 3 weeks! But now, I'm on my semester break. Yay! So anyway, I took a couple of weeks to kind of just chill, sleep and read FF non-stop. Oh, and I developed a **_**slight **_**obsession to SHINee, a Korean group full of hot guys. Anybody here likes them? Who is your favorite? Mine's Minho ((:**

**Just so you people know, there's only 4-5 more chapters till the end, approximately. I was very touched by all your reviews from the last chapter. Please be assured that I will be replying to them as you are reading this chapter (:**

**Thank you all once again! And to all those reading this chapter, this was how I recovered from cutting myself. These are my true experiences.**

**Happy reading!**

**Warning: Cutting & rape scenes.**

-

_With one thrust, the Portuguese penetrated Allen's puckered hole. Excruciating pain exploded as the younger thrashed trying to get away from the thick muscle that was now pushing itself into him. The pain was intense and to the younger, it felt as if he was being torn apart from inside. The tense muscles tore at the intrusion of the small hole and pain shot up Allen's spine as black and white spots started appearing in his vision. Allen could not stop screaming and struggling against the pain as Tyki groaned at the sweet hot tightness that now enveloped his pulsing cock. Oh god, Allen felt so good!_

_Tyki's grip on Allen was too strong for the rapidly weakening boy to fight against. Blood started to drip down towards the floor leaving a pool at Allen's feet. Allen was now crying openly, he just couldn't help it! Weeping his heart out, his hoarse screaming started again as Tyki started to move within him, not giving him time to adjust to the intrusion. With every thrust, Tyki was moaning with pleasure as Allen's screams and whimpers started to get higher and higher. Tyki was now driving the point home as he sheathed himself deeper and deeper within Allen. Allen felt pain and disgust piling up on him, as he suddenly felt light-headed from the torture he was receiving. Blood continued to dripping down at each forceful thrust as Tyki moaned his pleasure at how the younger's ass was clenching deliciously around his cock and knew he wouldn't last long._

The nightmare changed to a scene in the library… His arms flailed about as he whimpered silently. His mouth was open in horrified silent screams that could not be heard as he was only screaming inside his head. Images filled his head like a blur…

_Screaming and struggling for help, for anyone, just anyone to come and help him. Kanda? Lavi? Komui? Anybody? Where were they? Didn't they promise to protect him? Where were they now? Allen began fighting back. Kicking at anything, and flailing his hands about when he struck the man's face. The man cursed as his face was knocked backwards by Allen, who was now like a colt gone wild. His eyes were going from side to side, not seeing anything in front of him as he just struggled in the unknown man's arms. The final blow finally struck when the man opened his mouth and started licking his ear, panting._

"_What are you struggling for? You know you want it. You let that Noah rape you, didn't you? You like this! You want it, you slut! Whore!"_

_The man ended his comments with a harsh bite to the ear he had been laving his saliva with. Allen screamed his hardest as flashbacks that had been suppressed for so long came back to him. As the man molested him, he could do nothing but relive the mental torture in his mind all over again. His mind were full of Tyki and his poisonous words as he felt the man rip open his top and pants before molesting him roughly, making it as painful as he could for the 'whore' who deserved it. By now, Allen was almost lost…_

His eyes shot open as he scrabbled for purchase on the sheets before he started scratching at his own arms. He felt dirty, he felt used. The flesh beneath his skin felt like it was crawling and his blunt nails weren't making any progress on his flesh besides leaving mild red streaks. It wasn't enough. He needed something stronger. His hands began searching between the sheets. His hands searched among the sheets for a blade- any sharp thing. Usually, he kept something sharp between them but never mind. He brought his arm to his mouth and began to chew on his wrist, trying to feel the pain that would make it all better. That was when two feminine arms clamped down on him hurriedly and stopped Allen from hurting himself. His eyes were still not focused on reality and unseeing, trapped in the nightmare.

Finally, his eyes moved to the dark figure above his bed, the person he now realized was holding him down. Allen opened his mouth, ready to scream when a voice hissed, "It's me, Lenalee... You're safe now, there's nothing out there. You just had a nightmare!". A loud breath entered his lungs as reality returned slowly to him. Lenalee slowly let him go, seeing as he wasn't going to do anything to her and most importantly, to himself. Allen's eyes were glazed with confusion as he kept looking around the room weirdly and looking at her with an air of anxiety.

''Le-lenalee?'' Allen asked, disbelieving. Was it really her? Where was Lavi? And more importantly, where was Kanda? Kanda was always there when he woke up. Except from the time that Allen had done something to Kanda, he'd always been there without fail. He was a constant reminder that the things in his head weren't real and they were only his nightmares. Did he do something to make Kanda angry again? He already promised he wouldn't...

''Yeah, Allen, it's me. Kanda and Lavi are out on a mission together; remember? It's just us now...'' the voice said, tinged with a bit of relief that Allen had caught on faster. For the last week that they had been together, it had taken a range from 20 minutes to a full 2 hours for him to grasp reality. It had taken 10 minutes today, and for which she was thankful. As comprehension returned into the silver gaze, Lenalee could only give a wan smile to Allen who began to turn red with embarrassment and started apologizing. It wasn't that Allen was a burden, but the lack of sleep and having to be by his side all day really made her wonder how Lavi and Kanda could take it. She hadn't even seen her brother in the past 48 hours!

Slowly calming down, he and Lenalee decided to take a nap before getting up for breakfast. Usually, he would follow Kanda in his morning training but since Kanda wasn't here and he was still tired, he decided to leave it and make up for it when Kanda got back with Lavi.

-

Life without Lavi, and most importantly, Kanda was difficult and different. Though he always had someone by his side, both Kanda and Lavi knew when to give Allen space or just comfortable silence. Though Lavi was still as loud as ever, a few threats by Mugen made everything better -or more peaceful. Plus, Lavi still had his Bookman training going on and he still had lessons with Bookman. Lenalee seemed to think that she needed to fill every moment with chatting about inane things. Also, she kept on reminding him of his problems. She was constantly reminding him to eat more, to not strain his body when they trained, and even standing outside the bathroom when he was in the toilet to make sure that he wasn't puking the meals he'd just eaten. As much as he loved Lenalee, she was getting on his nerves.

He started helping out more doing small tasks to fill the empty time and also to get away from Lenalee. As long as there was someone with him, she was free to do whatever she wanted. At first he'd started out by helping with filing the paperwork and for the first time ever, Komui's office floor was _clean_. You could actually see the floor!

Reever and the entire Science Department had thrown themselves at his feet to his horror and to Lenalee's amusement. They repeatedly promised him anything in the world as long as they could do their jobs properly instead of working overtime in dealing with work that weren't theirs in the first place. In that week, a furiously blushing and stuttering Allen could be seen fending off the Science Department as they decided to profess their love for him and his organizing skills.

There was still no word on either Kanda or Lavi and to keep himself from constantly worrying, Allen was still trying his best to keep himself busy. Finally after organizing the whole of Komui's office, he was told by Komui to go help Jerry in the kitchen. Komui could hardly believe that this was his office and mourned for the untidiness of it again. He'd asked Jerry beforehand and the chef was delighted to have Allen help out. This helped fulfill the requirement of always having a person by his side to give Lenalee some time alone and Allen things to do to take his mind off things.

His time spent in the kitchen was like a breath of fresh to both Allen and the Order. Jerry had finally found someone who was interested in the way of cooking and the Order no longer saw Allen moping around much. Allen, however, had managed to learn how to cook and discover a hidden talent he never knew he had. Jerry had proudly claimed Allen as his protégé and proceeded to teach all his secret recipes and the tricks of the trade.

In the two weeks Kanda had been gone, Allen had gone through rigorous cooking training in which he learnt how to prepare and cook the dished that were usually handed out during mealtimes. And the first thing he learnt was to make his favorite foods and soba. Considering as Lavi would anything under the sun, he wanted the things he learnt to be something he could share with his friends when they returned. Jerry was only too happy to teach him and though his cooking wasn't as good as Jerry, he was happy enough; especially since Jerry told him that that would come with experience. It felt good to Allen to keep himself busy and he soon divided his time between paperwork and the kitchen; though the kitchen was where he mostly spent his time.

It was 2 weeks and 3 days while he was in the office when Kanda called through the golem saying that he had finally reached Lavi. At that time, Allen had been doing his twice a week cleaning on Komui's office as Komui was forced to finish his work. He'd been on the floor, sitting with his legs crossed when Komui's golem buzzed and Kanda's voice appeared after some interruption.

"Komui? Are you there?" Kanda's voice crackled through.

Allen jumped up, scattering the papers that had been on his lap as his face brightened at the sound of Kanda's voice. Komui leapt out of his seat and grabbed his golem which had been fluttering softly a distance away and shouted into the golem.

"Yes! I'm here! Have you reached the place? Have you found Lavi-kun? Found the Innocence yet? Are you coming back soon?" Komui flung questions without waiting for Kanda to answer. There was a moment of silence before Kanda finally replied.

"What the fuck, Komui? Are you trying to make me deaf? Yes, I've reached the place. I just found the Baka Usagi and no, we're only searching for the Innocence tomorrow. No, I'm not going to come back at least for a week. Anything else?" Kanda's irritated voice replied. Komui cackled wildly.

"That's good to hear! Well, I'll hear all about the mission when you two get back. In the meantime, I think someone's very eager to speak to you…" Komui grinned as Allen gestured wildly for the golem.

"Kanda, it's me, Allen!" Allen said as a greeting.

"Moyashi? What are you doing in that crazy idiot's office?" Kanda answered, surprised.

"I'm just filing the papers on floor. Lenalee has been following me around and I've even missed a few days of morning meditation because I've been too tired and I just slept through. You'd never believe it but you can actually see the floor now in the office! I've spent the two weeks cleaning the office. Also, I've also been helping out in the kitchen lately. I've even learnt how to cook," Allen started to chatter.

He heard Kanda giving a disbelieving snort.

"Did you burn the kitchen down, Moyashi? Am I still going to be able to eat my food there? Should I be worried about the whole Order moving to a new place when Baka Usagi and I come back?" Kanda asked teasingly. Something came from background and Kanda replied something to the other before returning his attention back to Allen.

"Lavi begs you to still have the Order in one place and not burn down our new home," Kanda snickered. "We all like our new home, thank you very much."

Allen pouted in mock anger though he knew Kanda couldn't see and answered, "Oi! Don't be so mean, BaKanda! I'm a good cook! Even Jerry said so…"

Kanda smirked and added, "I'm not being mean, just being realistic. Sure your food is edible?"

Komui watched as Allen filled Kanda in on all that had happened and the light-hearted banter within the two before talking to Lavi, who had so many things to tell that it kept Allen on the golem for the next half hour. Komui could only adjust his beret and watch the sixteen year old finally acting his age. Though he mourned the disorder of his office, he was glad that Allen had started taking initiative and was finally moving out of his comfort zone. He'd noticed the training sessions with Lenalee had been getting more intense and Allen was now almost back to his normal fighting level.

Allen was also seen sparring with any free Exorcists or Finders in the training rooms when he had nothing to do. It would be soon before he would finally send Allen on his first mission.

*****

Kanda, Lavi and two Finders were resting in a small cave with a fire lit between them to keep the biting cold away. After ending the call, the Finders had each taken a shift and had slept in rotation. Lavi, who was under a heavy dose of painkillers after having a nasty infected gash on his arm, was currently napping after talking to Allen.

Kanda stared into the open space outside. What had once been a small town was no more… The Akuma had turned every single one of the people living in the place into something like them. It had taken a week for him to reach the town Lavi was in and another week of solely fighting the Akumas before he finally found Lavi fighting an Akuma. The place had been too dangerous for him to find the Baka Usagi at first but now that he had, maybe their mission could proceed faster. With all the Akuma dead, they should be able to find the piece of Innocence faster, especially with two Exorcists looking. The one thing good about Lavi was that his Bookman training had given him a fine eye for details, though the way he acted sometimes really made Kanda doubt that he had a brain inside his skull.

It was uncomfortable being away from Moyashi. Listening to his voice over the golem had made a smile slowly being seen creeping on the swordsman's face. The chatter was familiar and something he'd long associated with the organization that had taken him in when all he had was Mugen and the clothes on his back.

Kanda settled into a cross-legged position with Mugen across his chest and closed his eyes. He needed the rest and as he slid into a light doze, one could almost see the small smile that flitted over his face as light peals of laughter and warm silver eyes filled his dreams for the rest of the night…

*****

The process of waking up and filling his days were improving greatly. Allen tried his very best o keep himself busy and each time he had a feeling of wanting to hurt himself in any way, he would remove himself from that situation and would go outside to train by himself or meditate like how Kanda had taught him. Keeping his hands busy kept his mind occupied and he went to bed each day, tired beyond reason and sleeping without any dreams or nightmares accompanying his slumber. The efforts slowly got better and day by day, he realized that the urges were getting fewer and fewer. The only thing was that he had to be positive and when the urge got too strong, he would remind himself of the people who cared for him and he would surround himself with lots of people.

He had finally thrown out all his blades but one. That was the blade that was a reminder to him of what he had done and that he needed to overcome it. After reading up on a few books on how to stop his habit of cutting, he had come up with a few solutions himself. Right now, his main aim is to stop the urges and so far they were working quite well. Testing his faith by that razor blade made him even more determined to quit his bad habit. To him, it finally symbolized the fact that he was willing to change.

Lenalee, however, was slowly leaving him alone to his own devices. Having being used to having her own freedom to do what she wanted and when she wanted, taking care of Allen felt as if she was being caged. Though she was still mostly with Allen, she slowly left each time Allen was asleep to visit her brother or just to walk around the Order. She loved Allen as a friend but she did not realize the burden and the pressure of a person whose needs relied on you. It wasn't as if she didn't want to take care of Allen, it was more of she hadn't realized the scale of the job she was handed. From afar, it looked as if Kanda and Lavi had it easy. She inwardly admitted that she had been a little envious of how they could escape from missions while she had to go.

-

That night, Lenalee slipped away once again as soon as she was certain that allen had slept. She had not seen her brother for 2 days as Allen had been outside the entire time and had even slept under the starry sky because he felt caged by the 4 walls of his room. Though he had told her to go back in, Lenalee felt obliged to stay with Allen. What she didn't know was that Allen had been feeling strong urges to cut and he had only gone in tonight because he saw how Lenalee wanted to go in and he did not want to be a burden for her. That however did not help his cause as the 4 walls of the room seem to move and the free space seemed to be getting smaller and smaller, reminding him of two scenes that melded together to form a twisted and horrible world. All Allen could do was whimper and hope for someone, anyone to release him from a plane of reality, which he wasn't sure, was real or fake.

"_You know what you are, pet? You're just a whore, a slut for me. You're just a tool for people to use. Nobody cares about you! You are good for nothing except to be used by others for our own pleasures, and that includes me!" Tyki whispered harshly as he rubbed the younger's slit, releasing precum._

_Allen cried out in denial even as he was still rutting shamelessly against Tyki's hand. Conflicting thoughts were running through his mind but for the love of everything, he just could not summon the energy to fight the bastard off. A sharp cry filled the room as Tyki leaned forward and took a nipple in his mouth, rolling it with his tongue delighting in the delicious sounds that came from the mouth above him. Tyki grinned wickedly, before biting down on it releasing a loud groan from Allen at the painful pleasure. _

_Allen's senses were assaulted by the attack on his still chained and shackled body. Even through all that, Allen still tried to fight off the Portuguese's heavy weight on his slim body. _

"_Come on try to fight me. I'm just going to make you sink even deeper when I take you later on. Your God has abandoned you hasn't he? You're worthless, even to His eyes! You are nothing, except to be used by others…" Tyki told the young British. His eyes shone with lust at the challenge presented to him. He was going to enjoy this kill… An evil thought came into his mind just then. He stared at the erotic picture Allen was with the chains and the bite marks. _

_Smirking, h__e reached his hand out and slapped Allen's ass, hard; the impact stinging his palm and leaving an angry red mark instantly. Allen gave a loud cry at the sharp pain. Pain mixed with the pleasure he was still feeling from Tyki stroking his cock, turning him on more and leaving him even harder. Tyki left more slaps on the tight ass, making the red handprints stand out against the pale skin of the body._

"_The sounds you make, just make me so hard" Tyki said sultrily to Allen's ear. The younger shivered at the need that laced the voice. Suddenly, Tyki stepped back and let his hands fall to his side. A quiet wail leaked out, leaving Tyki quite happy. Allen's silver eyes were like open windows, expressing exactly what he wanted. Allen's rock hard cock was now dripping precum on the floor, his lips were swollen and red from all the biting and the boy was trying in vain to push his body forward. _

_"Say it" Tyki coaxed. "Say it Allen. Beg for it. I won't give it to you until you do. Say that you're my slut. Say that you're my whore! Come on, Allen… You know that you want this!" And with that, Tyki expertly tugged on Allen's rock hard cock making the boy thrash around desperately from the pleasure he was getting yet hating every minute of it. Tears of need were leaking out from the corners of his eyes and his cock turned red from the pressure of wanting release. _

_Want and need overrode all the shame and disgust he was feeling at the moment. All thoughts had fled out when Tyki had tugged on his cock as Allen opened his mouth and begged for release. "Please Tyki, just fuck me already… I can't stand it!"_

_He turned around, only to feel a hand grabbing his bum. Allen froze in place, his eyes widening. "Who-whoever y-you are, i-it's not funny! L-let go!" his voice quavered as he tried to turn around once again._

_Once again, he was stopped. Allen was slowly panicking as his old and long lost memories of his rape resurfaced. "It's-s no-not funny!" he finally screamed as he began struggling when the hand on the bum started fondling his butt cheeks. The other hand slipped to his chest and started groping and squeezing his nipples. All that the white-haired could hear was heavy breathing behind him._

_Delirious with nightmares and reality that were beginning to have a parallel dimension about them. It seemed as if all hope was lost… Of course, he was a slut and a whore, wasn't he? He deserved it, right? After all, it was all he was good for. He was there for other people's pleasure. Never his own. After all, nobody cared about him… If they did, where were they now? People who cared stood by you. If they'd cared, they would have protected him…_

_Allen ran through the halls without stopping. Though his memory had saved him this time, he didn't believe in that dream anymore. Ultimately, he was alone… What he didn't realize was that he'd just run past the training room where Kanda had just finished his training and was shouldering his coat on. Tears were flying into the air from the speed he was running, all Allen could think of was a certain something that would bring salvation. Something that would make him feel less dirty, less of a 'whore'. It was as if he could still feel the pair of hands still on him running up and down his body…_

"_I'm your whore! I'm your slut! Just fuck me already!" he cried out, unable to take the torment anymore. Tyki left a chaste kiss on Allen's lips before lining up behind him. Once again, with no preparation, Tyki was inside Allen. Allen cried out at the hard and large intrusion. Pain and pleasure filled him at that point as Tyki huskily laughed before stroking Allen's cock again. He groaned at the feeling of pulsing walls that tightened around him almost torturously._

_Tyki started shafting the boy in time to his thrusts as he whispered hoarsely into Allen's ear as his free hand brushed against the sensitive nipples. "Tell me pet, are you my whore?" Allen cried out at the intense pleasure he was receiving and cried out with a wanton moan. "I'm your whore!" Tyki asked again as he pinched the boy's nipples until they stood up. "Are you my slut? What are you pet?"_

_Allen cried out shamelessly. "I'm your slut! I'm just a tool to be used by others!" Tyki answered him with a painful pinch. "Yes, pet. Good that you know that. You're nothing but a tool!" His thrusts sped up as he felt balls tightening. But still, he could hold on to his control and ordered his pet to come for him like the whore he was._

_What he didn't realize was that he was running in the hallways with his shirt torn open and the only thing that was keeping his also torn pants up, was his left hand. It was unconsciously riding the pants higher and higher, trying to hide his upper body even further. His eyes were roving around madly, not even noticing that Kanda had called out to him. He was panicking. Hyperventilating. Nothing but total chaos was running through his mind. Nothing made sense to the sixteen year old right now. All he wanted was that something in his room…_

*****

Kanda and Lavi slowly trudged back to their home with their two Finders behind following when they finally caught side of their home. Lavi looked back at Kanda, who smirked and nodded. It had become a small tradition for both Exorcists to race back the moment they sighted the Order. It had originally been a bet by Lavi who was convinced that Kanda could not run as fast as him at first. That time, Lavi had lost but subsequent races seemed to put them both at a tie.

Lavi whooped and raced off with Kanda at his heels, leaving both Finders shaking their heads about their not so mature Exorcists. Both Finders were quite familiar with this tradition of theirs, especially since Lavi was seen running around the perimeter of the Order after losing the first time round, trying to match his fitness level to Kanda. It was a sight to see back then, especially when he had forgotten an important study session with his mentor and was seen being chased around by the old man.

It had been spectacular to the rest to see Lavi flying through the air after a kick by the old man. Lavi, on the other hand, hadn't been able to sit down properly for a week.

*****

Allen's eyes snapped open and he got down from the bed and moved towards the blade he kept in a secret compartment in one of his drawers. Opening his hand to slowly caress the blade, he felt more than saw the glint of silver at the tip of the blade. His fingers slowly brushed the cold smoothness of the blade and slowly he pricked his finger.

A drop of blood slowly welled out and dripped onto the blade.

It was mesmerizing.

Warm blood, meeting and countering with the coldness of the blade.

The drop making its way down the edge and dropped onto the floor.

He felt exhilarated. He felt high. His head spun as he slowly brought the blade down onto his wrist. Will the flesh beneath his skin finally stop crawling? Will the fear and the disgust of himself finally stop? It had definitely stopped when the blade had pricked himself…

Maybe if he made the cut deeper. Maybe if he made the cut wider.

A crazy glint in his eyes matched the glint of the blade against the light. It was amazing how something that could be so useful, could help destroy. A blade was many things; something to cut ingredients for a cook, something to cut flesh to help save lives for a doctor and more. But to Allen, it meant salvation…

*****

Kanda and Lavi stood on the steps of the front of the Order, arguing once again on who had been first. Each had been convinced he was first when Kanda stopped arguing and looked around. He looked at Lavi who raised an eyebrown in question on why their argument had stopped. The samurai had a very bad feeling in his heart. Something seemed off and wrong. His gaze caught Lavi's he only said one word before the both of them rushed off, with Lavi close behind.

Allen.

Kanda could not ignore this bad feeling and his instincts were urging him to go faster and that something horrible would happen if he stopped. He did not need to give Lavi no indication of how he felt because as Exorcists, they depended on their instincts a lot more. No matter how much skill and experience one had, it would not matter if you did not follow your gut instincts.

They were going off at such a speed that they were skidding as they turned in at corners. Both were so occupied with their own thoughts that they barreled straight into another. Both were about to get up and while Kanda was about to rush off, a familiar voice stopped him.

"Kanda-kun? Lavi-kun?" Lenalee's voice asked in surprise.

Lavi answered, "Yeah, hi Lenalee. Sorry, we didn't see y-" when he stopped with a gasp when Kanda stalked towards her and asked fiercely.

"Where's Moyashi?" he asked in a deadly voice.

"He-he was asleep when I left him. Why? What's wrong? Did something happen?" Lenalee answered, shocked as she looked from one face to the other. Kanda gave her a death glare before he sped off after giving Lavi a look.

Lavi sighed and asked her where she came from. His emerald eye grew bigger when she admitted that she'd just come from delivering a pot of coffee to her brother's office and brushed her apologies with a wave of his hand. To him, what was more important was finding his little brother and making sure that Kanda didn't go on a rampage.

"Let's go. Kanda feels as if something is wrong with Allen. We'll discuss this later…"

"Gomen nasai, Lavi-kun… I didn't mean to leave him alone!"

-

Allen looked at the blade lovingly, it was his salvation after all… He raised his hand, the one holding the blade to his free wrist.

One slash down. Hmm…

He watched, as if entranced by the red liquid that was travelling down the cut. Red really went well with silver, didn't it? It was such a pretty color. Blood red; there was no other way to describe it.

How many would take the itching to go away?

Kanda runs as swiftly as he could, fear running through his mind. Fear for Allen and the speed he was running at made more adrenaline rush through his body.

Allen was about to make one more when his muscles seemed to stop working. His hand with the blade didn't seem as if she wanted to let go. He tried, again and again but the hand didn't seem as if it was going down.

As he tried once again, reality slowly seeped into his mind and he stared in horror at the blade in his hand.

Allen gasped, "What have I done?"

Unbeknownst to him, Kanda was at his door and was peeking in when he saw Allen had been about to cut the second time. About to burst in, his feet was locked as soon as he saw that Allen had regained his consciousness. In a moment of sanity and wanting to change, and to Kanda's pride, Allen threw the blade away with a loud cry.

I promised Kanda. I promised Kanda, Allen kept repeating to himself in his head. Tears gathered beneath the thick lashes as he looked in disgust at the blade he was holding. He had promised no more. He had wanted to change. Why was he so weak? In a fit of anger, he threw the blade away from him as far as he could. No more. He was going to change, starting from now. Though throwing the thing had made it as if a burden was off his shoulders, he was ashamed that he'd broken his promise.

Footsteps pounded behind Kanda and he turned to see Lavi and Lenalee behind. The samurai scowled as he saw Lenalee coming forward. As far as he was concerned, he gave the job to her because he thought she was responsible. And right now, he was blaming her for everything.

Lavi skidded to a stop behind to find Kanda staring at Allen on his bed with one of his wrists dripping blood all over the sheets but the blade was thrown away and had landed on the other side of the room. Lavi looked at Kanda to see how be would act and was astonished by the emotions he could see in the eyes, the eyes who had never been so unguarded. Kanda's eyes for once were filled with pride and joy.

Kanda opened the door wider and entered. Allen's head looked up and his eyes widened at the sight of Kanda. Lavi and Lenalee stayed behind before slowly entering but still within the shadows. Kanda stepped forward before running to the bed and embracing Allen with all his might. Allen gasped in surprise and shock, not expecting the abrupt welcome. He'd expected a scolding or a warning, anything except a welcoming hug.

"I'm so proud of you," Kanda replied hoarsely.

Allen's eyes widened even further. "Wh-why? I cut myself again, even after I promised you. I'm sorry, Kanda, I'm so sorry…"

Kanda's eyes twinkled with amusement and he pulled back to flick Allen's nose. "Silly Moyashi. I'm so proud of you for throwing that blade away. You could have continued even after cutting but you were strong enough to stop. I'm so proud of you…". Kanda started peppering Moyashi's face with kisses in his happiness. Allen's face started turning very red from blushing and though tears were running down his face, he was laughing from the ticklish kisses Kanda was giving him.

Lavi popped out of the shadows and started dancing with Lenalee at the sight of Allen being kissed repeatedly by Kanda.

"Yuu-chan! You finally kissed our Moyashi-chan! Kyaaa~" Lavi squealed before taking Lenalee's hand and rushing off when Kanda's face flamed up and turned to slowly face him with Mugen in his hand.

Kanda looked at Allen again once the pests had left and smirked while raising an eyebrow.

"You're not mad at me, Kanda?" Allen asked again.

"Baka Moyashi. Have I ever lied to you?" Kanda asked gently as he sat down on the bed.

Allen gave a huge smile and flung himself towards the older Exorcist, who caught and held on to him tightly before Kanda finally noticed the blood dripping down on his Exorcist coat.

"Come on, Moyashi. Let's get you to the infirmary to get cleaned up."

Allen shook his head, not wanting to let go. "No, I don't want to move. I missed you, Kanda…"

"Yes, brat, I missed you too but we have to go to the Nurse first," Kanda replied, rolling his eyes.

"Carry me?"

"Tch. Stupid fucking Moyashi…" Kanda muttered before hefting the white-haired into his arms and walking out of the door.

"Baka BaKanda."

*****

Though the Head Nurse had been displeased to find a relapse in Allen, she had been very pleased when Kanda told her what had happened. She told him that this meant that Allen was finally making the big step and they could now proceed to group therapy if they wished.

Kanda and Lavi had discussed with Allen and they had come to the decision that the Head Nurse would help facilitate the sessions with three of them so as to not let any personal information get out. Though safety precautions were still taken, Allen now had more space to himself so as to show that they trusted him and they knew that he'd do his best.

Lenalee had received a tough scolding by Lavi but mostly Kanda before her brother had finally decided to save her. She had apologized profusely to Allen, who had felt guilty knowing that essentially, he had been a burden to her. He felt bad and tried to apologize to Lenalee and Komui for having made trouble for them, even though both had said that he wasn't at fault.

Kanda had promptly smacked the back of Allen's head when Lavi had told Kanda what the younger Exorcist had done while Kanda had been doing his part of the paperwork and getting a debrief from Komui.

"You're such a Baka Moyashi."

"Wha-what? What did I do now?" Allen asked with a frown, rubbing the back of his head.

"Forget it, I'm not going to bother explaining something to such a dumb person. Tch. Why did you apologize when you weren't doing any wrong?" Kanda scowled at him.

"What? It is my fault partly!" Allen started answered back. Both of them started bickering loudly for ten minutes before Lavi decided to step in.

"Children, stop!"

-

**A/N: Haha I found inspiration for this fic from watching Lord Of The Rings, the last movie. Pfft.... Who da thought? Anyway, I'm hoping the 14 pages is more than enough to make up for the short hiatus. LOL anyway, to answer some questions now... I know that there have been lots of recovery processes and breakdowns for Allen in this story. I'm not saying that everyone will go through the same processes as our Moyashi. This is to show the exact recovery though it depends on the person's strength.**

**Also, a lot has commented on how weak Allen can be. I believe this is something close to Stockholm syndrome although twisted. Stockholm syndrome is to be defined as prisoners having emotional attachments to their captors. For Allen, this is not the case but he believes and accepts what Tyki Mikk has told him as the truth (being worthless and a toy). Though Kanda and the Order are doing their best to help, it has to begin from the person itself. Hence, why it took so long for Allen to take charge of himself until this chapter.**

**I have been fortunate enough to have never been raped nor have I been cutting to the point where my life has been compromised. My friend; however has. He was 7 years old when he was brought to the emergency room in the hospital from cutting too deeply due to the problems at home. In the end, however, he gave up on me and we grew apart when some problems between us arose. But his support made it possible for me to make that change in myself throughout my problems helped me in the end in my recovery. I had around 10 breakdowns before I finally decided to start living.**

**And to not end on that sad and extremely long note, I would like those reading to give me your thoughts and comments. Share me your stories and I promise I shall listen and reply to all. Drop me a review or send me a message, my email is on my profile. Constructive criticism is welcomed and will be worked upon constantly. I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your week!**

**Thank you for reviewing or leaving your comments in advance (:**


	16. A Leap Of Faith Part 1

**A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY 18****TH**** TO HANI, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME~~**

**Whee, it's finally my 18****th**** on 13****th**** of August. I can't believe that I forgot my own birthday, but nevertheless, I wanted to share my joy with you guys!**

**I know I haven't written in so long so I'll give you half of the chapter that I've written so far ^^ I'm currently studying for my exams that are a month away so I have no time to actually sit down and write. Also, I'm volunteering for the Youth Olympic Games! **

**And here, I'd like to now announce my **_**very late **_**surprise to all my readers who have supported me through my journey of recovery and I'd like to especially thank Erendyce, my dearest Alien Mom and Astri, as well as my beta, The Nameless Soul. I have been officially discharged from the hospital. For everything. Thank you so much for your constant support and encouragement that everyone has given me.**

**I hope that you guys will continue to read and guide me along the way (: Now, on to the story….**

**Happy reading!**

_Kanda opened the door wider and entered. Allen's head looked up and his eyes widened at the sight of Kanda. Kanda stepped forward before running to the bed and embracing Allen with all his might. Allen gasped in surprise and shock, not expecting the abrupt welcome. He'd expected a scolding or a warning, anything except a welcoming hug._

"_I'm so proud of you," Kanda replied hoarsely._

_Allen's eyes widened even further. "Wh-why? I cut myself again, even after I promised you. I'm sorry, Kanda, I'm so sorry…"_

_Kanda's eyes twinkled with amusement and he pulled back to flick Allen's nose. "Silly Moyashi. I'm so proud of you for throwing that blade away. You could have continued even after cutting but you were strong enough to stop. I'm so proud of you…". Kanda started peppering Moyashi's face with kisses in his happiness. Allen's face started turning very red from blushing and though tears were running down his face, he was laughing from the ticklish kisses Kanda was giving him._

"_You're not mad at me, Kanda?" Allen asked again._

"_Baka Moyashi. Have I ever lied to you?" Kanda asked gently as he sat down on the bed._

_Allen gave a huge smile and flung himself towards the older Exorcist, who caught and held on to him tightly before Kanda finally noticed the blood dripping down on his Exorcist coat. _

"_Come on, Moyashi. Let's get you to the infirmary to get cleaned up."_

_Allen shook his head, not wanting to let go. "No, I don't want to move. I missed you, Kanda…"_

"_Yes, brat, I missed you too but we have to go to the Nurse first," Kanda replied, rolling his eyes._

"_Carry me?"_

"_Tch. Stupid fucking Moyashi…" Kanda muttered before hefting the white-haired into his arms and walking out of the door._

"_Baka BaKanda."_

Kanda's eyes snapped open with a shock from a light doze as the memory stopped and he recalled what exactly had he done that day. A light pink blush dusted his fair face as he thought about what he'd done. He had been overcome by happiness that day, so proud of Allen he had been that day.

He'd totally forgotten himself and had peppered tons of kisses on Allen's face. Kanda silently groaned to himself in embarrassment as he flushed even further. And he'd remembered the light teasing afterwards. How he'd carried Moyashi from his room all the way to the Infirmary. Knowing the numerous pairs of eyes that were staring incredulously at him had been easy to ignore with Allen's head nestled on his shoulder, the easy banter between the two and a pair of arms hugging his neck tightly, as if Moyashi didn't want to let go. Which was true, in a way. He'd had to settle on the bed with Allen on his lap because the younger teenager didn't want to let go.

Even after that, he'd given the boy a piggyback ride back to his room where he and Lavi had stayed the whole night, accompanying Allen and talking about things that had happened while they weren't together. The Head Nurse had advised Allen to stay off his feet for a while after the check-up was over as the adrenaline soon wore off Allen's body.

Kanda had felt ridiculously happy that day. He knew that many people had been looking at him strangely and some were even whispering that the Apocalypse was coming but to be honest, he didn't really care. This was really unlike him but for now he decided to shelve his worries aside. Though his fear had not been unfounded, it was plain to see that Allen was steadily improving and ready to get on with his life. He was looking forward to each day and was learning new skills everyday. One that was recently new was of course cooking!

**Oh yes, Moyashi's cooking!** How could he have forgotten that? Kanda was indeed genuinely _concerned _for the state of the kitchen. Well, maybe not… Kanda smirked to himself.

"Oi, Moyashi!" Kanda suddenly said.

"Huh? What is it, Kanda?" Allen asked, startled by the sudden start in conversation. Kanda rarely started conversations and even if he participated in them, it was either to reply in sarcasm or to end the conversation.

Permanently.

Though that generally only happened if Lavi said something stupid. Which _was_ practically every time.

Kanda glanced down from the boulder, which he was sitting cross-legged on to the body sprawled on the grass. Allen was blinking blearily from the half-asleep state he'd been in before being awakened by the sudden calling of his hated nickname. There had been absolute silence before he'd started the conversation apart from the buzzing of the insects around them. A companiable silence for the three who had gone out for some silence after Komui had released his latest Komurin on the poor residents of the Black Order. Not wanting to get involved, especially after hearing the telltale signs of a robot being kicked to a nearby wall by a certain little sister of a mad scientist.

"Is the kitchen still standing?" Kanda asked with a smirk.

Allen, confused and still half-asleep, replied with a yawn, "Of course it is. Didn't we just eat there just now? Why wouldn't it be standing? Did something happen to it?"

"Well, you did say you were cooking and we didn't exactly eat in there. More like we asked for food for a picnic outside!". Lavi quipped cheekily from the patch of sun-kissed grass he was currently rubbing his cheek against like a cat. He sniggered slightly as he heard an annoyed sound from the younger Exorcist. Closing his eyes, he smirked slightly as he heard Kanda asked annoyed, "What the heck did you hit me for, Baka Moyashi?"

"For doubting my cooking abilities, of course! I'll have you know that Jerry-san said that I was very good and talented," Allen said in mock anger.

Kanda rolled his eyes though inwardly he was actually smiling. How could he not? His Allen had recovered quite well from the past ordeal and had really shown amazing progress since he'd first returned back to the Order. Bickering like old friends, he was really pleasantly surprised by how he'd come to depend on this two as time passed on. Lost in thought, he pondered on he'd changed as a person and as a friend. People were no longer seen as just people and comrades were considered friends, sort of. It felt as if the previous him was a person from a different life.

Too lost in thought, he couldn't see Allen and Lavi slowly inching toward him and with hands full of blades of grass. Before he could do anything, the grass was flung on him like confetti as Lavi and Allen rushed away, laughing madly as Kanda spluttered in shock. Growling in mock anger, he sat up and decided to chase them, making them pay for what they had just done to him.

Allen poked his head through the crack of the door and asked, "Hey Kanda, are you free right now?"

Kanda raised one eyebrow as he sat in his normal cross-legged position on the bed where he'd been resting. or so it seemed to Allen. In fact, as he waited for Kanda's reply, he'd never seen Kanda relax before. The only position he'd seen Kanda in that was the closest being relaxed was sitting cross-legged. His musing came to a stop as Kanda replied, "What is it, Moyashi?"

Allen pouted slightly, "Kanda, why can't you ever answer me nicely?"

Kanda's eyebrow rose even further. What was Moyashi up to? Didn't he reply to everyone like this? "What do you mean nicely? I answer everyone like this,"

Allen pouted even more, "That's the thing, shouldn't you treat me differently than others?"

Kanda stared at him in disbelief and stated, "Are you coming to a point anytime soon?"

Allen perked up, he'd totally forgotten about the reason he was currently here with his head still poked through the door. He nodded happily and answered, "I made you lunch! I made you soba and tempura!"

Kanda stared at him blankly and the only thing that could come out was, "Is it edible?"

Allen scowled and said with a frown, "Of course! I've been cooking since morning you know! You could give me some credit. Anyway, I cam here to bring you to the cafeteria and let you try my first meal!"

"You're letting me try your first meal?"

"Of course! I'm here, aren't I?"

Kanda could say nothing as he got up from his bed and followed Allen out of his room. He wasn't even sure what he was feeling at this point in time. Happiness? Wonder? Fear? The only word he could come up with was content with a hint of wonder. No one had ever made the effort to include him as much as Allen did. Well, Lavi and Lenalee might have but Allen was different. He wasn't sure how but he was.

The first meal that Allen was cooking was for him. Just him. A warm feeling was filling his heart and as he glanced down at the shorter teenager next to him, he could only wonder at the amount of innocence Allen possessed. How he could wrap Kanda so tightly around his finger without either of them noticing or in Kanda's case, it was until it was too late…

Was it right to feel this way? Was it wrong? He couldn't put an answer to his feeling as he continued to walk on to the cafeteria. What exactly was he feeling inside?

**A/N: And, that was where I stopped. Umm, this was my first attempt at some light fluff, I think. So do give me constructive criticism on how to improve and what do you expect. **

**I'm so sorry for the long wait although there will be some light smut in the next chapter *wiggles eyebrows* so do look out for it!**

**I will reply reviews from this and the previous chapter when I've released the second part. I'm so sorry it's so short and I wish it could have been longer but this is what my tired brain has come up with!**

**On a side note, I will answer my smut challenges soon. As soon as next month has come and my exams are finished.**

**Have a good weekend ahead! 3**


	17. A Leap Of Faith Part 2

**A/N: GOMEN NASAI! Oh my God, I can't believe it's been 8 months since I last updated. I am so very sorry. I don't even know if there are still people reading this story anymore ): **

**So, basically… I'm not dead yet. I'm going through my senior year for my Diploma. And I've no idea how I've gotten this far, scary shit. The only reasons I can offer for this very late update is because of the amount of schoolwork that I had and there was no inspiration from Yullen.**

**Thank you to Sainly-Sad for giving me the motivation to start writing again and Erendyce for just being there for me! And definitely, thanks to my beta that pushed me and nagged me to start, The Nameless Soul who happens to be my classmate in real life. **

**Warning: Smut. Bad Language.**

_Flashback_

'_Thoughts'_

"_Dialogue"_

* * *

_Was it right to feel this way? Was it wrong? He couldn't put an answer to his feeling as he continued to walk on to the cafeteria. What exactly was he feeling inside?_

As Kanda still pondered on his thoughts, his body still moved along mechanically towards the cafeteria with Allen. Allen, the _boy_… No, he should be a **man** because a man is defined by the experiences and struggles he faces, not by the number of years he's lived.

Though people like General Cross tended to be in a league of their own… Far away from normal civilised people. Then again, he doubted there was anyone normal in the Order anyway. With siblings like Komui and Lenalee, people like Lavi and Panda and not to mention people with problems defeating a psychology textbook like him and Moyashi, he doubted anyone of them could be defined as normal. Oh great, he was rambling _and_ back to square one.

He was jerked out of his thoughts when Allen pushed him down to the benches and sped off. The longhaired samurai blinked, not having realised that he'd been dragged all the way with only his subconscious following Allen. Oh well, the only thing he could do now was wait and not think for the time being…

Kanda looked around, observing the people milling about in the cafeteria around him. Having Lavi in another study session, he'd let Allen do what he wanted while he had a meditating session in his room alone. It had been a long time since he'd gotten some time alone for meditation but once again, Moyashi had come up. Even if he wasn't there… Kanda inwardly groaned.

There just seemed no getting away from Moyashi.

As he looked carefully around, he noticed that there were envious looks and curious stares around him. Though he had no idea why he was being stared at, Kanda did not appreciate being the centre of their attention and made it known quite clearly by giving a hard stare. Why were they envious? Was there anything about him to be envious about? He gave a small shake of his head. Never could the blue-haired recall being stared at before…

It was a good thing to know that people were still scared of him and those who were foolishly brave, were still apprehensive of him at best. Seeing his soft side with Allen, and sometimes Lavi, some of them in the Order had begun to think that Kanda had become soft or nicer.

Little did they know that that kindness only extended to those very close to him or who had known him for a very long time. There were some who had been foolish enough to come up to him and gave him a friendly slap him on the back and these people were the ones that disappeared from Kanda crying their hearts out not even five minutes later. Tough shit.

Soon, murmurs reached his sensitive ears and Kanda's head swivelled in the direction of the murmurs and stares. Kanda looked his fill as a wondrous sight greeted his eyes.

The sight of Allen carrying a tray with a bowl of soba, tempura and a steaming cup of green tea greeted his surprised eyes. Warm silver-grey eyes filled with warmth yet with a tinge of shyness with a bright smile and a bounding step to his walk painted the picture that was coming towards him.

It didn't matter to him that the food wasn't as good as the food that he was accustomed to from Jerry. The food was cooked with so much care and love and with every mouthful or sip; he could feel how anxious Allen was for his approval. It was amazing to him that Jerry had even taught Allen almost everything of the Japanese cuisine as he ate food that was definitely not amateurish, even though it wasn't Jerry's standard. Then again, Moyashi had only learnt cooking for a few week.

Though he didn't express his thankfulness through words, he saw how Allen's smile brightened with joy when he asked quietly for seconds and questions such as was he able to cope with cooking.

It was a simple conversation, with many words left unsaid. But with actions and body language, the two Exorcists felt like they were in their own world. That in itself, was perfection for Kanda…

* * *

His smiles.

His laughter.

How is he able to affect me on a way that nobody is able to? Why is he the only one who's been able to break through the metal shields of my heart? A heart that I thought I didn't have or never existed, at least until _he _came along.

The snowy white hair and his not very tall height that labelled him as Moyashi, a bean sprout. The eyes and body that went through so many struggles yet his legs keep on telling him to keep on walking forward no matter what… An enigma, even to me.

The many things he does that even if it used to irritate me, doesn't irritate me as much anymore. Things I never understood and would've blasted my partners for distracting us from the mission, but I didn't. I may be cold, but I'm not inhumane, that's what I told the Baka Usagi but that excuse could hardly be used anymore.

The things I've done for him have gone beyond that. Beyond being called humane. I've held him when he's cried, wiped off his tears and made sure I was there for him every step of the way. I may be uncomfortable, I may be rough but I learn and try my best.

Heck, I even kissed him!

I respect him, that much I can say. But that hardly counts for the many feelings that well up within me when I see him smiling or laughing from something I say. The feeling of anger and jealousy within me when I see admiring stares directed at him even if he doesn't notice. The smugness I feel when his attention is on me, and me only even when other vie for his attention and yet, I hold his effortlessly. Oh yes, ever since the day at the cafeteria, I've been paying close attention. Yes, be envious is what my heart is crying out. If I could, I would keep him to myself.

Is it wrong? Is it wrong to feel this way? What is he to me? A comrade? A friend? My heart cannot define him, and that's what troubles me. I'm worried that a day that'll come when he's sick of me and he goes off to find someone who has more to give him.

I worry that one day, our differences will be too much and we'd clash like we used to but only, irreparable. This is not me. If this were how I'd see myself last year, I would've snorted and declare the person insane.

What if what he gives me is not enough? What if I demand more of him? Of his time? Of his attention? Will he begrudge me for it? Will it be too much of him? What am I even doing?

I know what I am…

I know how I feel…

But what does he feel?

What does he mean to me?

Do I mean anything to him?

* * *

I hated him when I first saw him. Maybe, hate was too strong a word. A strong dislike perhaps? But as time passed on and we kept being paired for missions, I took to wanting his approval. He has a high standard that not many can reach. A standard of perfection, one could call it. If you reached that standard, he would not treat you any better but he will see you with respect in his eyes. His approval is the highest compliment that he could give you.

As far as I could remember, I've wanted approval. Of Mana, of Shishou, of Komui-san and lately, him. I used to wonder why Komui-san kept on pairing us up, even when it was clear that we disliked each other and we'd destroy a lot of things along with our fights. Didn't it cost a lot to keep on repairing everything? Or maybe we were entertainment value… Well, one can only wonder why.

We got closer because we were forced to. It was hard not to have anyone to talk to during missions and slowly we developed areas of common interest. Nobody was perfect, and neither were we. We still fought. We still argued. But things were slightly better. I respected him for many things. With the life we lead, it isn't easy to keep on giving the same level of constant discipline throughout the years. Lavi once told me that the standard regime of his training started the moment he'd become an Exorcist. It's his way of life.

The insults of BaKanda and Moyashi became nicknames. After what has happened so far, I'd have to say it's more than wanting approval. It's definitely more than just wanting to see the nod of approval or that gentle spark that he only has for me in his eyes. Approval is not the playful banter that we share and jokes that only the two of us can understand. Approval is hardly him giving me a piggyback ride or covering my face with kisses.

Compared to the way he treats other people, I think he treats me like a piece of fragile glass. Sometimes, that's all I think I am to him. A victim of the past. Forever to be scarred by the happenings. But then, he gives me the freedom for me to do what I want as long as I don't harm myself. He defends me to others, even Lavi. He understands me even without me saying anything.

He is my protector, my defender. He is my friend and the one that holds me at night. He was the one that was with me throughout and yet; I feel something slightly more for him. That something that makes me want to do more for him. To always be with him, or in his presence. The feeling of never letting go of his hug, the rare ones that he gives. The feeling deep within my stomach; that Lavi once described as butterflies fluttering about when he had a crush on Lenalee.

I'm worried that a day that'll come when he's sick of me and he goes off to find someone who has more to give him.

I worry that one day, our differences will be too much and we'd clash like we used to but only, irreparable.

My heart defines who he is to me but can my mind accept it? Can I accept him? Will my past affect us? Will it be harmful to me in the future? Will I become too dependent on him to the point of him running _away_ from me?

He is my anchor to life. He is the reason why I go on living. He is the reason as to why I get out of bed, even when the depression is set deep within me and I feel like I can't get up. Yes, he made his mistakes. But so did I.

I know what I am…

I know how I feel…

But what does he feel?

What does he mean to me?

Do I mean anything to him?

* * *

Some may call Lavi foolish, too playful but none could deny that he was a Bookman Junior and fitting of that title. For no matter how much he played, he still observed those around him and the knowledge he studied was retained until he had no further use of it.

And so, he observed. It was a dance, he reckoned. But a dance, which got one frustrated and annoyed as he watched them, tiptoeing around each other with glances and looks when they thought no one else was looking. Exasperating, really…

And so he plotted and planned. He'd gotten them both to confess to him (individually, of course. He rather liked living), and both had answered that they did have feelings for each other. Though getting the confession out of them was like like pulling one's teeth out. They just refused to admit it until he'd basically confronted them! One couldn't accept what he felt for fear of rejection and another who didn't know what the fuck he was feeling. So he talked to them…

_Yuu-chan, those feelings are known as you __**liking **__the person. You know, like a crush? Or in your case, something deeper because of course the great Kanda Yuu wouldn't have such a simple thing as a crush! Sometimes Yuu, I wonder how you've lived all your life not knowing this kind of things… it's a blasphemy, really._

That had been easy enough, until he'd teased Yuu a bit too much and ended up once again being chased by Mugen. Tsk, what could he say? He was a sucker for punishments!

_Aww, come on Moyashi-chan! Doesn't mean that Yuu-chan could reject you, you know? Like you just said, even you're not sure of what he feels… Yuu-chan is just complex. There's no easy way of knowing him. Just don't be so scared of him. With Yuu-chan, you have to be direct and blunt. He __**really **__doesn't pick up on subtle hints very well. He'd probably ignore you or something but not because he rejected you but because it's just too complex for his small brain to comprehend!_

It took quite a while to get through Allen but it worked in the end. Although, somehow, Yuu found out about him talking about his small brain, which ended up in him meeting up with Mugen again.

The life of a do-gooder. It was hard.

One thing they both had in common, however, was that they both didn't want to confront each other about these feelings. So what's a bunny got to do but start some genius trickery?

It was simple enough. A prank that will end all tiptoeing around each other and hopefully some getting together, instead!

And so the plan…

Put something in Allen's food that'll make him sleepy, get him up to Kanda's room and wait for Kanda to discover him after his evening training…

Splendid!

It was… Genius!

And so the next day, everything went on as per normal… Morning training. Check. Breakfast. Check. Time to do own things, in which Lavi went to collect sleeping pills that he had begged from the Science Department while Kanda and Allen went off to do their own things. Check. They met up for lunch where Lavi had carefully slipped a slow reacting sleeping pill in Allen's food, so as to not cause any suspicion.

Right after that was where it was most important. Lavi had already told Allen that they would be doing some studying in the library as Kanda had to meet Komui for some repairing with Mugen.

And so everything went perfectly according to plan…

_(2 hours later) _

Lavi gave another exhausted huff as he slowly made his way to Kanda's room with Allen's unconscious body on his back. Man, the kid was heavy! Now back to his former appetite, he'd also gained more weight, looking healthier and better. But his back…

Hopefully, this would have to be the first and the last time that he'd be doing this. He hoped so. The Bookman Junior couldn't imagine doing all this careful planning a second or third time. The favours he'd had to call in from the Science Department for the sake of his best friend and little brother. Lavi sighed.

'I can't believe that I just wasted those favours for them. They'd seriously better repay me for this!' Lavi thought to himself indignantly until he remembered that if he were to tease them it might backfire. Lavi mourned to himself once again on his hard life.

Finally, he reached Kanda's room at long last! Laying Allen down, he made sure that the younger teen was comfortable while lying in an attractive position that was sure to catch the samurai's attention! And now, to Kanda…

It was almost time for the samurai to head back to his room for a change of clothes so Lavi hurried out, just in time to catch Kanda turning at the end of the corridor. Lavi sped up; this was the last stage of his plan! His master plan! His most brilliant wonderful plan!

Lavi latched on to Kanda's hand and dragged him forward, ignoring the demands and threats spewing from his mouth. Somehow, he even managed to drag the samurai even when Kanda dug his heels to the ground. Allen was going to wake up soon so he only had a little bit of time left…

As Lavi dragged Kanda across the corridor and flung the door open, Allen was stirring in the midst of waking when Lavi practically _threw _the samurai inside and locked the door.

Lavi cackled to himself and hoped for the best.

* * *

Kanda was cursing as he was _thrown _inside his _own _room after being _dragged _across the corridor by the _Baka Usagi_. Fuck, there were several things wrong in that sentence itself.

What the samurai never realised was that Lavi had moved his bed slightly forward and as he heard the click of the lock and turned around, he accidentally tripped and fell…

Straight onto the bed where Allen was rubbing his eyes and looking around wearily when his eyes widened.

Kanda and Allen's lips met for the first time.

It was nothing deep; they didn't even open their mouths.

It was just contact and sliding of two lips, yet it did nothing to cool down the heat churning deep within their stomachs. A heat of a volcano that started beyond their control, something that they both wanted but were too apprehensive about. Allen slid his eyes close, his head spinning from being half-asleep and the pleasure suddenly befalling him, literally.

Kanda, wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth and took the dream that lay before him. Throwing the screaming voice that said it was wrong, he bent down fully and covered Allen, giving him no chance of escaping.

Allen gave a small whimper as Kanda bent down and covered the length of his entire body with his. Nobody knew how he worshipped the body that lay over him right now… Fair Oriental skin covered sinewy muscles that held so much controlled power that only Kanda could release. The amount of muscles that Kanda had could never be described as big or chunky. It was just right. The moves that the body could do with so much passion and a focus to match; be it hand-to-hand combat or with Mugen.

Once when he had peeped in on Kanda's private training time, he'd felt as if he had melted. His feet were stuck to the ground and he couldn't move, for fear of disrupting the intricate dance of man and metal…

* * *

_It was a dance that left one breathless when one looked. A dance made out of moves that were drummed into the head until it was instinct to do so. Blue eyes that usually glared at you were covered by a simple piece of cloth. A body that was usually covered by either a uniform top or bandages, was finally bare for the first time. His pants were moulded to his legs, showing off powerful muscles._

_Swishing Mugen back and forth, Kanda went through the steps in his head, weaving patterns to defeat the opponents his mind had created in his head. Droplets of sweat trailed down the fair skin that had turned into a light pink from the exertion and the length of time he'd been training._

_Allen stood by the side, just looking on. He'd seen Kanda train before. He'd even train with Kanda! But for today, Lavi and he had been in the library with Bookman studying together as Kanda had said that he'd go off and train by himself. He'd been sent to the training room to find Kanda because it was time for dinner…_

_As Allen looked on, he decided that Kanda could come down when he was done and join them. He did not want to stop the hypnotic dance that was drawing him in. He did not even want to move away from the sight. Pulling from the door silently, Allen gave one last look before he went off as quickly as he could._

_Unbeknownst to him, the moment he'd stepped away from the door and run off, Kanda had taken off his blindfold and smirked to himself before finishing up his training._

_Allen could barely keep his eyes off Kanda at dinner that day._

* * *

Allen gave a light gasp as Kanda bit on his bottom lip gently. "Shouldn't you be paying more attention to me?" Kanda demanded in a husky voice, which Allen surrendered to with a groan.

Allen gasped out with a slight blush, "Was thinking of how your body fits mine so well and how it's so well-built," as Kanda gave light sucks and bites on the side of his neck and jaw.

Kanda smirked. "You mean the time you peeped in on me training topless and blindfolded?" He gave a throaty chuckle as Allen opened his eyes wide in surprise. "You didn't think I'd notice your footsteps? Of course, you did try to be as silent as you were but your breathing definitely gave you away."

Allen's mouth upturned into a pout, which Kanda chuckled and kissed away. Allen muttered against Kanda's lips, barely an inch away, "And here I thought I was stealthier, being a General Exorcist and all." Kanda rolled his eyes in half amusement on how it felt so comfortable to have this conversation between them despite the circumstances that Allen was made a General. Not to mention, while they were about to do some serious petting!

Something that he should be getting around to… Right about now.

"Oh, you're much better than before but that doesn't mean I still can't kick your arse, with me being better and all," before he proceeded to kiss any replies out of the male beneath him.

Kanda proceeded to suck and lick any resistance Allen might've had, teasing the delectable pair of lips with small nibbles in between sucking and licking them until they were swollen and red. His hands moved in hypnotising and tantalising sweeps across the sides of Allen's body, his touches barely there, leaving behind trails of blazing heat.

It didn't matter that both of them still had their tops on, it had been long pulled out of their pants with their hands sneaking under the fabric. Matching each other, heat-to-heat, skin-to-skin and touch-to-touch.

Allen wasn't just lying down beneath Kanda, accepting and submitting. Oh no, that was a big mistake to those who thought that in the face of all the troubles Allen faced, he'd become weak and submissive. No way. He'd been beaten down too many times to count but he was still a fighter within. And for dominance, he'd fight till the end. It didn't matter that he didn't have experience… Who needed experience with a Master like Cross?

Being with that man was more likely to scar you for life with details that you didn't need to know at such a young age but was certainly coming in useful now. He'd been equipped with this weapons at a very young age and he'd be damned if he was going to lie down quietly. He'd give as good as he got!

"Show me what you got," Allen taunted the blue-haired, batting his eyelashes, trying to provoke the older teen.

Kanda grabbed Allen even closer and kisses him full on the lips, slowly sucking Allen's tongue out for a dance of passion and shared breaths. Trailing his fingers up and down under Allen's shirt, heat boiling within their stomachs travelling to their groins.

Allen pulled on Kanda's hair and nipped his lips before sliding up and down Kanda's body, creating friction between their still clothed erections. Letting Kanda's hair tie slip somewhere in between the sheets, Allen gathered the silky blue hair and covered their faces like a curtain. Surrounding him totally, with nothing to get to him.

The older teen ripped Allen's top apart, buttons clattering to the ground before grabbing his lips in a rough kiss, intent on making them even more swollen. Grinding his erection into Allen, Kanda tugged open Allen's fly before sliding down the pants. Allen wasn't even a second later, doing the same things to Kanda, making quick work of his pants and shimmying them down.

The samurai gasped as Allen sucked on his exposed neck while unbuttoning his shirt, at the touch of the two erections.

Kanda took both erections with his hand, shuddering as he did so, stimulated beyond belief. Stroking harry with long and slow strokes.

Allen gripped the back of Kanda's head and tugged his hair to the delicious torture, before peppering Kanda's chest, neck and jaw with more bites and sucks. Twisting the samurai's nipples just to give an extra jolt of pleasure (Kanda really did jump), the younger teen started to really hump Kanda's hand and covered the two erections with his hand as well.

The two hands encircled each other, smoothly going up and down to the precum gushing from the tips of their erections. A twist there. A slide up and down. And a tweak to the heads of their erections. Muffled moans and whimpers, coming from open mouths that sometimes bit fair skin or sucked at the delectable sweaty salty skin laid before them. Tongues tangled together, connected by a burning passion.

And then, it struck. A deep groan rumbled from within a tattooed chest as Allen bit on Kanda's shoulder from the force of his orgasm. Heavy pants and the smell of sex filled the room as Kanda rolled over and lay beside Allen.

It was so small that Allen wouldn't have noticed but as he drifted to sleep, exhausted, a hand rough with many years of training with a katana was laid on his hip when the samurai lightly caressed and patted him to sleep.

That night, two gentle smiles could be found on their faces shone by the moonlight through a window at the corner of the room. And in another corner, one Bookman Junior slowly crept out, a mischievous smile on his face.

**Mission accomplished.**

It was just too bad he'd already make a promise to himself not to tease them about it.

* * *

The next morning, Kanda woke up to shaking of his body. He groaned and turned over, only to have the sun shine down on him. He gave a grunt as he half-heartedly pushed whoever it was disturbing his sleep.

"Kanda, wake up! We're going to miss breakfast! I can't believe we slept through morning training," Allen chirped as he tried once again to wake the samurai up. Giving a huff, Allen decided to do something really dumb.

_Bam!_

Giving a slight snicker, he watched as Kanda tipped over and hit the floor with a loud sound. Pushing him to the ground, that always worked! Though maybe, a little too well as Kanda got up with a vein sticking out of his forehead and eyes glinting with a murderous aura surrounding him.

"Heh. Hey Kanda! Umm, good morning?" Allen asked nervously.

Kanda blinked. "Moyashi? What the hell are you doing in my room?"

Allen gave a small pout as he jerked in the direction of the sheets on his bed, "Don't you remember what we did last night?"

Kanda turned his head so fast that he gave himself whiplash with his… Untied hair? Where was his hair tie? He looked towards the direction of his sheets. Allen could hardly keep his snickers quiet as Kanda's eyes bulged comically.

Last night came back to his mind so fast that it gave him a headache. Oh. My. God. What the fuck had he done… Kanda gulped inwardly and turned around slowly to face Allen. And then, he noticed something. Allen was… Smiling at him? Wait, the fucking Moyashi was **snickering **at him?

"Are you out of your mind?" Kanda asked harshly.

Allen began to frown, the snickers stopping immediately. "What's wrong?"

"What's this? I mean, what are we doing? Aren't you angry about last night? Didn't you remember what we did? Is this even right? Are you sure this is okay for you? Is this the start of a relationship between us?" Kanda demanded, question after question.

He couldn't understand how Allen could be so calm and collected. It befuddled his mind! Shouldn't Allen be the one screaming about Kanda making use of him? Or something?

This couldn't have happened. It wasn't possible… What could Allen want in him? What did Allen even see in him? Kanda looked at Allen warily, waiting for the outburst he was sure was about to come out.

Allen sighed. "Ne BaKanda, why'd I be mad? I was as much of a participant as you were. Unless, _you _regret it?"

Shocked, Kanda could only reply, "Why the heck would I regret it? Aren't you regretting it?"

Cocking his head to the side, Allen answered with a faint smile, "Kanda, I don't regret it. I'm not angry about last night…"

"W-What?"

As Kanda was about to start rambling, a finger stopped him at his lips. "Don't think so much for now. Since both of us aren't regretting it, let's just go with this. We don't need to start finding a name of what we are or who we are to each other," Allen whispered, blushing.

The snowy-haired came closer to Kanda, laying his head on his chest. "I… have feelings for you and I'm hoping you have some kind of feelings for me so let's just take it slow, ne?"

Kanda tched but he nodded, even though he knew Allen couldn't see. Kanda hesitated, it was different to be told not to think when most of the time, people kept on telling him to think more. But holding the warm body that really did fit well in his arms, Kanda closed his eyes and laid his cheek on top of soft snowy hair.

Maybe, they wouldn't last. Maybe, they would fight and break it off. But for now, this may be just enough to hold them together.

* * *

"Komui, you called us?" Allen's white head popped in through the crack of the door.

A sheaf of papers on top of a mountain, which Allen assumed was the Supervisor's desk covered once again with tons and tons of papers fluttered to the air.

And there was silence.

Allen waited.

Nothing happened.

Closing the door to what he thought was an unoccupied office, Allen turned to Kanda. "Are you sure he called for us? He doesn't seem to be in his office. Maybe we should go and find him somewhere else…"

Kanda tched. Moyashi, Usagi and he had just finished a round of rigorous training that afternoon, not to mention the long morning the three had spent together with the Head Nurse as they'd continued with another session of group therapy. He was damn fucking tired and really did not want to deal with any of this. Tears had been shed, wounds had been open and guilt heaped on their consciences as they continued on the train of events that started this whole thing.

It was a long day, to say the least. He'd been uncomfortable throughout the process but he knew it was better to let it all out now instead of festering deep inside, which wasn't going to solve the problems. He'd had enough of running away and from the chain of events that happened, Kanda could safely recommend that running did shit to your problems. It just made it worse!

Being asked to recount his side of the story of find Allen and helping through the healing process had been hard. It was just… Hard. The samurai could still see the memory fresh in his mind, as if it was yesterday. Knowing how close they'd been to losing Allen, it was a terrifying thought to him and Lavi.

But on to the mystery of the 'missing' Supervisor, Kanda gave a hard sigh. Reever had told him that he'd barricaded the Supervisor in with no way out. The only way for Komui to come out was for a person to open the door, because the door could no longer be open from inside for fear of Komui escaping his work. Though from the look of things, Komui was still not doing his work despite being locked in his office.

Kanda gave a motion for the snowy haired to keep quiet and raised his voice as he opened the office door. "Moyashi, since it looks like the Baka isn't here, let's just go and tell Reever-san that he's managed to escape and that Reever-san should just station one person to stay with that idiot 24/7, making sure he actually does his work and gets no sleep till he finishes signing every single piece of paper."

The samurai made to close the door when something caught their eyes. Just like a mole burrowing his way through tunnels under the ground, something was burrowing its way across the office floor and the papers creating a tunnel effect. Allen and Kanda could only watch, bemused as the tunnel made its way to them and Komui popped out with papers flying around the room and landing once again in the giant pile that covered the floor.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T TELL REEVER I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING MY WORK! HE'S ALREADY KEEPING MY DARLING LENALEE FROM ME," Komui wailed in total despair, hanging onto Kanda and Allen in anguish from being separated from his beloved sister.

And the coffee she'd bring him. But he missed _**her**_ more than coffee.

For now, at least.

Allen could hardly keep from snickering but he did his best to be serious. Seeing two streams of tears gushing from under his glasses was really comical and after seeing Kanda take the hilt of Mugen to give a very nice knock of common sense to the Supervisor, he'd been trying to suppress his glee at the pouting Supervisor who was attempting to tell them something while muttering about unsympathetic samurais.

Today had been hard on all of them but he still felt the most. Even though he'd risen up during their lovemaking, he was still very sensitive within. Honestly, he felt battered and bruised after group therapy, but for the better. Any lingering anger or regret he'd felt during the therapy dissipated during training. Poor Lavi had had another study session with Panda so he and Kanda had been on their way to the showers when Reever had told them that they were needed at Komui-san's office.

"Komui, what the fuck did you need us for? Get to the damn point already!" Kanda snarled, losing his patience.

Komui cleared his throat suddenly, once again fearing for his life as Kanda's hands begin to slowly unsheathe Mugen with an angry spark in his eyes. "Well, the higher ups have been informed of the progress that's been made on Allen and they've been really insistent that we send him out in the field."

Two voices sputtered, "W-What?"

Komui nodded gravely, all former playfulness gone. He explained how he'd tried his best to stop and delay the happenings but it was not to happen. The higher ups were impatient and Allen as a General had had the best record in the field. As soon as the word 'recovering' had reached their ears, they'd demanded him in the field and the only concession they'd give were a week and for either Kanda or Lavi to go with him, though they'd warn that as soon as General Allen Walker got back into his routine, he'd be flying solo once again.

Kanda and Allen walked out of the office, in shock. They'd been given the mission specs with no way to refuse. Now, all they had left was one week to tie up all the loose ends and finish up therapy as soon as possible. What else could they do other than breaking the news to Lavi and the Head Nurse? All they could do was hope that they'd finish everything in time.

* * *

One week.

From wishing that group therapy were over to having the rug pulled from under his feet, Allen couldn't believe that everything was over. Having to squeeze all the remaining sessions into one week had been a hell of a ride!

It had been emotionally draining on all of them. Tempers had been short, shouts and screams almost tore at their throats but it had been good. More issues had been resolved and misunderstandings were cleared in no time. They let out everything and when therapy was over for the day, it really was over. They left all issues in that room. If there were issues that needed to be continued to another day, it was continued in the next session. They left with as neutral a feeling as they could.

It was in a way destructive, because as the Head Nurse had warned them when she found out was that therapy should be taken at a slow pace. Therapy should not be rushed, which she was very firm about.

But, no matter… What was done was done and Allen had promised that he would continue to talk things out with Kanda and Lavi despite therapy being over. He himself had noticed a difference in how he viewed his life. He was getting into a more positive mindset and the spark of life had returned to him. The smiles and laughter were back and oh, how he wished that things would stay this way for a while.

Right now, Kanda was currently meditating on a chair in their room at the motel. Allen, himself had just finished speaking to Komui and Lavi back at the Headquarters about their successful morning in finding an Innocence in a nearby stream.

'Maybe this isn't so bad,' Allen thought to himself as he stared at his… Lover? Allen wasn't sure what to name their relationship and it was clearly undefined right now. They'd exchanged kisses and slept in the same bed but they never went beyond that. To Allen, it felt as if Kanda was trying to hold back and when things got heated up, the samurai would move back and bring things down a notch. Sweet, but weird considering this was Kanda.

'It's been almost three days we've been here and we haven't had a single argument! I wonder what else is in store for us…' Allen thought to himself. Then again, it was useless worrying about tomorrow. As Kanda would say, "Moyashi, stop worrying about tomorrow. Worry about it when it comes."

_(The next day)_

The air was soft and smelled of wild flowers. Clouds drifted in from the east and headed west towards the horizon. Trees rustled as the wind blew through the leaves whispering. A lake surface rippled slightly when blown by the wind with such gentleness that each ripple was small in size.

Both Exorcists were in a forest, ten miles away from their motel in search of yet another Innocence. The next town had been complaining that strange things happened in the forest in the middle of the night. Those that went to investigate the happenings never came back…

So Kanda and Allen had gone off early in the morning towards the forest, searching deeper and deeper into the heart of the forest. The sun was slowly going down, casting orange shadows on the trees surrounding them. Calls and chirps of birds and woodland animal saying goodbye and goodnight to each other as the partners walked on.

Suddenly, a rustle of nearby trees was heard and Allen whipped towards the direction of the sound. Kanda was right behind, covering his back. A shadow emerged from within.

"Well, well, well… Look who we have here. Our lovely resident samurai," Tyki crooned with a sickeningly sweet smile before the smile turned to a malevolent smirk, "And my beloved pet whore, Allen Walker."

TBC

* * *

**Look, there's a cliffy! Yes, I am sadistically evil, I know. You wouldn't believe how I cringed as I read my story from the start to get into the mood. I hope that my writing style has improved over the chapters.**

**I know I've lost some of you over the months and for that, I'm deeply sorry. To the new readers or the faithful ones that have waited for me with utmost patience to update, do know that I will finish this story no matter what. It just may take a slightly longer time than anticipated.**

**As you can see, the story is slowly nearing its end. So to those who are still reading this, do give me a heads up and review this chapter so I know the story isn't dead!**

**Have a nice week ahead!**


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